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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset that partner wants to move out

100 replies

purplepolo · 03/09/2020 18:18

my partner recently moved in, about 2-3 months ago and is saying he's moving back to his parents. This is because my sister has come back twice in those times (the most recent one being last night) with a one night stand. Ive had a word with her and shes not to do that anymore, shes young etc but I dont want some random boy coming into my home.

Anyway, when my partner woke up this morning, my sister and the boy were in the living room, and this pissed him off and he got ready for work and stormed off saying he's moving back to his dads.

Aibu to be upset by that? I almost feel like ive done something wrong when I know i haven't? But its really got to me. He got the majority of his things this evening after work and has gone back to his dads house.

He doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset, ive said to him that ive told my sister shes not to do this anymore, i thought the first time was just a one off so I didnt say anything, so now I've made it clear that its not to happen again.

So aibu to be upset about it?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 19:20

OP it’s not a shag pad you’re running. Assuming you’re an adult raise your bloody standards and stop offering up your house to random strangers wanting to shag your sister.

And if I were the DP I wouldn’t only be moving out, I’d be running for the hills.

He has every right to be upset with you for not putting a stop to it. You should have taken her keys the first time.

AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 19:22

Find yourself an adult to have a relationship with where you approach issues as a team. or maybe he should find himself an adult to live with who has better boundaries than to allow her sister and random shags to crash at her’s.

I’m guessing she doesn’t take them back to wherever she lives because it wouldn’t be tolerated there, and with good reason.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/09/2020 19:25

You have had to specifically tell your sister to not let herself into your house in the middle of the night to shag random blokes? Is it only because DP has raised it that this is an issue for you? Because, that would show me you're fine with being a doormat who lets family rip the piss out of you, and would change my view of someone.

CultOfWax · 03/09/2020 19:25

I’m guessing she doesn’t take them back to wherever she lives because it wouldn’t be tolerated there, and with good reason

I'm guessing the sister is a teenager living at home with mum and dad!

hammeringinmyhead · 03/09/2020 19:27

If she doesn't live with you and is just using it to avoid shagging one night stands at your parents house, and he's moved in with you in the sense he contributes financially, I'm with him tbh. It's still "your" house to you and he probably feels like a lodger.

Original poster
purplepolo · 03/09/2020 19:27

I agree with you all which is why I've told my sister shes not to do that anymore. I thought the first time would have just been a one off, but shes done it again which takes the piss so I've told her not to because its disrespectful. Ive said this to him which is why i dont understand why he'd still just want to up and go, just a bit hurt by it when I've clarified to him that I agree I dont like it, and its not going to happen anymore

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 19:28

It doesn’t matter where she lives, bringing back random shags to the OP’s house isn’t ok.

and if she’s only a teenager then it’s less ok as she’s not only putting herself but the OP at risk as these blokes could be anyone.

Cattiwampus · 03/09/2020 19:28

So you need to convince him, not MN.

LonginesPrime · 03/09/2020 19:29

He’s entitled to set his own boundaries, and waking up to a stranger in the house is not what he wants to do

This.

I wouldn't be upset, OP - it's happened twice and he's not happy with the arrangement, so he's perfectly entitled to move out!

MitziK · 03/09/2020 19:30

@purplepolo

Its my house, my sister used to stay with me a lot before he moved in, its not so much anymore maybe once every other week, but she knows she is welcome. He has made a point of saying he doesn't want to feel like he's pushing her out or doesn't want to make her feel like she can't stay here just because he's staying
But in the same breath he's saying

'It's me or your sister. time to choose who you love more'.

It's not really a choice, is it? It's an outright threat. And I'd take him up on it, as he's going to be insufferable if you let him stay or worse, choose him over her.

AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 19:30

OP, why haven’t you taken your sister’s keys?

As it is she’s not responsible if she’s picking up random blokes for a shag, so she’s not going to be responsible when it comes to treating you or your home with respect is she?

Do you have children? Are they being put at risk here as well?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/09/2020 19:30

Yanbu to be upset that it didn't work out.

But gosh. Nope. I wouldn't stay either.

PixieLee123 · 03/09/2020 19:31

So your sister doesn’t live with you but thinks it ok to bring one night stands back, that’s not cool. It is dramatic for him to move out over though! Maybe he just doesn’t want to come between you and your sister and make things awkward etc...it’s difficult when it’s someone else’s family but seems a shame Sad

ShastaBeast · 03/09/2020 19:32

Your sister isn’t trustworthy. It won’t feel like home for him if she is able to come and go as she pleases - maybe not how you see it but she has done exactly that. I don’t blame him.

If you want to be a proper, equal and adult couple you need the place to be both yours and his and no sister. She doesn’t have a key and doesn’t bring ransoms back.

I know someone in a similar situation and they’ve moved out. Until they can get a place together, just the two of them, it won’t be a proper couples home.

OscarWildesCat · 03/09/2020 19:37

I don’t blame him, he’s probably massively uncomfortable with finding random men/women in what he considers to be his home because your disrespectful sister deems it acceptable to use your house as a shag stop. Unbelievable!.
I get that you have now told her but I’m assuming he said this when he found the second of her conquests in as many months in his home so I understand if he’s a little skeptical!....

HeddaGarbled · 03/09/2020 19:37

Truth is, he wants you to choose between him and your sister. If it wasn’t the one night stand thing, it would be something else.

It’s difficult to know whether it’s the right time for you to prioritise partner over family (as most people do eventually) - depends on how old you all are, how long you’ve been with your boyfriend, whether he’s a wannabe cocklodger or a decent partner etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2020 19:38

I'm with your boyfriend on this one. It appears you have a problem with enforcing boundaries with your sister. When you ask your partner to move in, it becomes their home, too. Your sister bringing back randoms to shag is completely unacceptable. Just the fact of your sister barging in by herself and crashing whenever she feels like it isn't on. I think for your boyfriend the writing was on the wall and he couldn't ignore it.

Motoko · 03/09/2020 19:42

He probably doesn't trust that your sister will not do it again, despite you telling her not to.

Has he actually ended your relationship, or has he just moved out? Perhaps he's waiting to see if she does stop doing it.

yourhairiswinterfire · 03/09/2020 19:44

Please tell me there are no children in this house that your sister is bringing randomers back to...

whatnowitsoverseekingadvice · 03/09/2020 19:45

I'm not sure why previous responses are intent on making this about why your sister feels she has the right to do this in your home - the OP has clearly indicated that she doesn't like it, she has said as much to her sister and has told her erstwhile "partner" that she has now told her sister that it is not to happen again.

But that doesn't seem to enough for this spoilt man-child, who has flounced off to live with his parents without a coherent explanation to the OP as to why, at the first minor complication. Hardly the actions of a "partner". If this is his reaction, OP, you are well rid!

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2020 19:46

So whose house is it? Does your sister live there full time?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2020 19:47

He’s being completely reasonable. You need to work on your boundaries. His seem healthy and fair.

SBTLove · 03/09/2020 19:47

What age are you all? does your sister have her own home?
How would you like it if his brother came and went as he pleased in your home?
It’s not a student doss house, can’t say I blame him.

HeddaGarbled · 03/09/2020 19:49

Some of the comments above about the sister are a bit uptight. Don’t you remember being young and wanting to have some fun? If you were in a flat share, you could meet randoms in the kitchen in the mornings fairly frequently.

OP has now told her sister she doesn’t want her to bring anyone back for the night and the sister has agreed. She doesn’t sound so out of order to me.

RoseTintedAtuin · 03/09/2020 19:49

It sounds like he has an issue with the boundaries you have set up with your sister (maybe others?) and the current situation is just the symptom. He is probably annoyed it had to happen twice before you addressed it. The boundaries of what was expected when she uses the flat should have been clear before. Even if you thought the first time was a one off you really should have addressed It then (and tbh been more outraged). He only recently moved in so probably felt he couldn’t address it despite being upset, so when it happened again and there is a man in his home for a second time, he’s decided to go back to somewhere this won’t happen.