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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about toddlers and new baby birth

65 replies

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 10:49

Hello!

I'm wondering about what to do with DC1 aged 2 while I'm in labour.

I can't find this answer online and I've only seen my midwife once and when I ask the people at the hospital they just say no no no 😊

I spoke to my parents last night and they said - when you go into labour we can be here in 3 hours to look after DC1.

But what if that's not fast enough? DC1 was born in 4 hours start to finish.

There's a window of perhaps 5 weeks when DC2 could be born so I can't drop DC1 off to theirs for the duration.

So my question - based on your own experience please 🙂 - when you have literally nobody to look after DC1 and you go into labour - what happens. Are you forced to give birth at home?

Now, In my situation I do have a DH. He would have to stay home and look after DC1 and I would have no birth partner. Has that happened to you? Did you give birth at home rather than give both with no birth partner?

I am curious though, if you don't have a partner at hand for whatever reason, and you have existing DC and no childcare options at all, what did you do?

I'm asking this in order to decide if I should have a home birth (rubbish as ideally I want drugs) or a lone birth.

Were any of you at home, giving birth, and had to be transferred in, but had no one to look after DCs? What happened?

OP posts:

TheHappyHerbivore · 03/09/2020 10:53

Do you have a friend or neighbour you could call upon at short notice to look after your toddler? Even if just while waiting for your parents to arrive?

unchienandalusia · 03/09/2020 10:57

Friend or neighbour or even regular babysitter until your parents arrive? Or DH stays with toddler until your parents arrive then dashes to the hospital?

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2020 11:01

I ended up giving birth alone for my second. We don't have local (or reliable) family and we had a planned C section booked and had managed to arrange childcare for that time. Unfortunately I went into labour early and the section had to be brought forward- it was all such a rush and the section was at 7pm- everyone we know locally has toddlers so was slap bang in the middle of bedtime for them all so we decided it was better to maintain normality for the toddler and me be alone.

It was fine. The staff were kind and my husband came in first thing the next day after my daughter had gone to nursery. Someone would have cared for her but she'd never slept away from us and we felt it was better to put her needs before mine.

I had spent quite a bit of my pregnancy in and out of hospital though, so it was already quite disruptive for my daughter.

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2020 11:02

I'm not saying you're not putting your child's needs first if you arrange childcare- sorry if it reads like that. It was just a comment on our own situation- the timing and the clinginess of my child!!

strawbmilk · 03/09/2020 11:07

I opted for a c section I was so stressed about who could look after toddler. Parents and PIL a flight away and everyone we know works & wouldn't be able to drop everything. Once I made the decision I was so relaxed after having nightmares for weeks about the birth. I'd had a long & stressful birth with DC1 that needed intervention so I couldn't rely on anyone looking after DC1 for days on end should the birth go the same way.

Once I had the date my parents were able to book flights.

The CS went so smoothly and I was relaxed knowing DC1 was cared for and I was out of hospital the following morning. Plus my husband didn't have to miss the birth.

BeardieWeirdie · 03/09/2020 11:11

No family nearby here but had a few neighbours and school friends on standby so someone would be available. I told my neighbour in the afternoon when contractions started and they picked my #1 up at 7pm for a sleepover. Does your child go to nursery? Have any little friends? I would gladly mind a child I didn’t know that well in this situation.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:12

Thank you for your kind answers :-)

We have no one. We have friends of course but they have jobs, so I couldn't relax into the next couple of months knowing DC1 was sorted.

I think it would be hard on both of us for DH to not be with me, but I'm not the kind of person to kick up a stink.

I suppose a CS is an option yes, seems like a bold step to go just because I don't have childcare. I feel like a bit of a failure in that respect.

OP posts:

BeardieWeirdie · 03/09/2020 11:14

I wouldn’t rely on having a homebirth so that your child can stay at home with you. I had a homebirth for #2 and still wanted my first out of the way. There was a lot of noise and things might not go to plan. If you have to be transferred in with an emergency, you want your husband focused on you not your toddler.

ArtemisBean · 03/09/2020 11:15

I'm in the same position. Family too far away or working so can't help at short notice so my only options are giving birth alone while DH watches toddler, or scheduled section so childcare can be planned. It probably happens more often than people think!

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:15

@NerrSnerr

I didn't take it that way! 😊 i have no idea how DC1 would react to a babysitter. We've not used one before.

You were brave to go it alone!

OP posts:

Navy123 · 03/09/2020 11:16

Does your eldest go to childcare at all? My DS's keyworker offered to have him if needed when I was due a few months ago. It was great knowing she could have him while waiting for my parents to get over (they live a similar time away). Ended up having a home birth though which worked brilliantly - put eldest to bed and gave birth about 4 hours later while he slept through it all.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:17

@ArtemisBean

This is the thing isn't it - it must happen to a lot of people.

Hmm gap in the market here for a 24hr creche next to the Labour ward! I'd happily pay to have DC looked after there during the big day.

DC used to go to a little creche at the church but it was all stopped six months ago due to coronavirus. Therefore we don't have contact details for anyone else who went.

OP posts:

fedupandlookingforchange · 03/09/2020 11:18

Could you hire a nanny or doula to look after your toddler?

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:19

No, no other child care atm. He's 2 so not at preschool, and I do little bits of writing here and there for a small amount of self employed money so i never put him in a nursery.

OP posts:

Cabinfever10 · 03/09/2020 11:19

My ds came 7 weeks early and it was only 45 minutes from first twinge to baby as you can imagine all plans went out the window as dh was on a plane home a work trip (last 1 until after ds was here) and my parents who were going to have dd were on holiday. My lovely neighbour ended up having dd until dh got home and ds was born in the back of the ambulance

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:20

@fedupandlookingforchange

Could you hire a nanny or doula to look after your toddler?

Can you do that as a one-off, potentially middle of the night, potentially for hours on end arrangement?

OP posts:

negomi90 · 03/09/2020 11:21

In your situation a homebirth would be worse as you'd be worried about the toddler. Homebirth in day - hubby entertaining toddler. Homebirth in night - you trying not to be loud to wake toddler. Transfer at any time - hubby watching in fear as you get into an ambulance while he stays with toddler. Far worse for both you and hubby to be separated in an emergency then by a planned hospital admission.
If your house is big enough and you like them enough can parents or in laws come camp out at yours for those weeks?
Otherwise if no friends prepared to be on standby, can you get a doula to come to hospital to support you while hubby stays with toddler.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:22

@Cabinfever10

Gosh what a story! I hope you were calm and relaxed nevertheless.

Our immediate neighbour lives in Spain for much of the year. The man upstairs is in his 90s. I believe he's in the process of moving actually.

The person downstairs is a man possibly 50 who I don't know at all and have only ever seen on his balcony smoking. Wouldn't feel comfortable dumping DC on him really.

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:24

@negomi90

In your situation a homebirth would be worse as you'd be worried about the toddler. Homebirth in day - hubby entertaining toddler. Homebirth in night - you trying not to be loud to wake toddler. Transfer at any time - hubby watching in fear as you get into an ambulance while he stays with toddler. Far worse for both you and hubby to be separated in an emergency then by a planned hospital admission. If your house is big enough and you like them enough can parents or in laws come camp out at yours for those weeks? Otherwise if no friends prepared to be on standby, can you get a doula to come to hospital to support you while hubby stays with toddler.

Thanks. We're in a tiny apartment unfortunately. I might have to look at a doula. Anyone got any experience of that? Ball park costs? We don't have a huge amount of money going spare.

OP posts:

PopsicleHustler · 03/09/2020 11:28

I'm in same boat. I have 4 children and expecting number 5. I have no family as I am NC with them. I have a close family friend who helped out last time. But her husband kept complaining and gave my husband a lecture about the children l whilst my friend loves having them and kept texting me updates as to what they all have been up to and what is happening and so on. I have even given her gifts each time to show we really appreciate it.And so this time I have decided to book a nanny to have all kids whilst hubby and I are in the hospital.

PopsicleHustler · 03/09/2020 11:30

@SomeOtherGirl you would probably have to save up to book a nanny or doula, unless you're due really soon. We will be saving and putting money aside also because it also depends on my recovery and how long I will be in hospital for, I could do with a helping hand.

Cabinfever10 · 03/09/2020 11:30

@SomeOtherGirl
It certainly does make a great story and DS's birth certificate actually says in ambulance in x lay-by on z Road for place of birth
I wouldn't say I was calm so much as I didn't have time to panic

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:31

[quote Cabinfever10]@SomeOtherGirl
It certainly does make a great story and DS's birth certificate actually says in ambulance in x lay-by on z Road for place of birth
I wouldn't say I was calm so much as I didn't have time to panic[/quote]
Oh crumbs! They were that precise ! Wow!

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:36

It sounds like I might have to get a nanny. I'll get on Google xx

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 11:37

I do wonder, if you're at home alone, and you have to call an ambulance, do they refuse to take you in because you have a toddler with you?

OP posts:

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