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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about toddlers and new baby birth

65 replies

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 10:49

Hello!

I'm wondering about what to do with DC1 aged 2 while I'm in labour.

I can't find this answer online and I've only seen my midwife once and when I ask the people at the hospital they just say no no no 😊

I spoke to my parents last night and they said - when you go into labour we can be here in 3 hours to look after DC1.

But what if that's not fast enough? DC1 was born in 4 hours start to finish.

There's a window of perhaps 5 weeks when DC2 could be born so I can't drop DC1 off to theirs for the duration.

So my question - based on your own experience please 🙂 - when you have literally nobody to look after DC1 and you go into labour - what happens. Are you forced to give birth at home?

Now, In my situation I do have a DH. He would have to stay home and look after DC1 and I would have no birth partner. Has that happened to you? Did you give birth at home rather than give both with no birth partner?

I am curious though, if you don't have a partner at hand for whatever reason, and you have existing DC and no childcare options at all, what did you do?

I'm asking this in order to decide if I should have a home birth (rubbish as ideally I want drugs) or a lone birth.

Were any of you at home, giving birth, and had to be transferred in, but had no one to look after DCs? What happened?

OP posts:
strawbmilk · 03/09/2020 11:48

I feel for you as I was in the same situation. Other advice I was given was to put a note on a local mums group on Facebook or on Nextdoor and someone might know of a nanny / doula local to you.

LouiseTrees · 03/09/2020 12:25

@SomeOtherGirl

Thank you for your kind answers :-)

We have no one. We have friends of course but they have jobs, so I couldn't relax into the next couple of months knowing DC1 was sorted.

I think it would be hard on both of us for DH to not be with me, but I'm not the kind of person to kick up a stink.

I suppose a CS is an option yes, seems like a bold step to go just because I don't have childcare. I feel like a bit of a failure in that respect.

Or an induction not a section?
Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 12:28

I'm not sure you can request an induction for non medical reasons...? Even then it's hit and miss of when the baby comes.

I worry what would happen if DH was at work and I had an emergency labour situation and had to call an ambulance.

Or, if I booked a nanny and I had to go in in the night- I couldn't envisage calling a childminder at 3am. Oh dear.

OP posts:
wishcaptainbarnaclewasmyboss · 03/09/2020 12:44

How long do you have to go?

Do you have any friends who:

  • would be prepared to do the night shift with your child outside working hours, or
  • work from home at the moment and for the foreseeable future and would be able to look after your child until the end of their working day if absolutely needed

that you could spend a bit of time with in play dates etc? You could line up a couple of them. It might mean your child being passed around a bit but at least in familiar settings and not for very long if your birth is quick.

My local hospital says partners are fine but as soon as they leave they can only come back to collect you, btw, so I am factoring in that i will have a c section (need to anyway for medical reasons) and my husband will then leave and look after our toddler (who won't be allowed to visit) and I will rely on the hospital staff for the first night. The HCAs Were great with my first and I will have pain relief for the section every 3 hours anyway, so all being well I will try to feed in line with that so they can help me when they come in.

yellowgecko · 03/09/2020 12:49

@SomeOtherGirl I'm in exactly the same position as you as well, following advice with interest!

My plan is to make a matrix of people and dates / times they could maybe be called on...my son is at preschool so I do have a small network, but I can't call them at 3am (when waters broke last time). Which will be fine if waters break at a reasonable hour...

I know a few neighbours but again no one I feel comfortable to have DS overnight. I was going to ask DM to come stay, but DS was born 10 weeks early and I think we'd all go mad if she lived here that long!! Grin

It's so stressful isn't it. I hadn't actually considered a C section, there's no guarantees of the timing for that either tho..!

Do you have anyone to be a stand in birthing partner instead so that DH can do childcare? I'm considering that as an alternative as well, as I really don't want to be on my own Sad

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/09/2020 12:52

Use Sitters. You can ring up and get a babysitter at quite short notice I think.

unchienandalusia · 03/09/2020 12:53

Just to add when I was little my dsis and I went to the hospital with parents when DN went into labour with no 3. My DGPs came and picked us up there. An option?

unchienandalusia · 03/09/2020 12:54

*DM!!!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/09/2020 12:55

I do think it's a little sad that you know no one in your community that could watch your toddler for 3 hours if you are in labour while family travel to get there. Do you live somewhere quite remote with no neighbours?

formerbabe · 03/09/2020 12:55

There are babysitting agencies who might be able to provide childcare at short notice...then your dc could be with a babysitter whilst the grandparents make their way down. Ask friends anyway, it could be the weekend or evening or some may be working from home. You're only asking for a few hours anyway until gps arrive. I'd happily look after a friend or neighbours dc in that situation

Meg631 · 03/09/2020 12:57

I used a doula for my first, £500 for some pre birth meetings, on call and present during labour and a post birth meeting. Worth every penny.

Blueberryblueberry · 03/09/2020 12:58

Just to say though, I'd be more than happy to be woken in the middle of the night to look after someone's child if they went into labour, be that a friend, or an acqaintance like a neighbour, playgroup/school mum, colleague ... Most people with kids will totally understand your need and that you don't have anyone else. It's also a one off! Just putting it out there as I imagine most people would want to help out and I'd feel really bad if someone I knew gave birth alone if I could have had their child for a few hours/a day - we had a couple of people on standby in case family were not around. May be worth just asking if people don't mind you contacting them as a last resort?

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2020 12:58

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland the OP has explained about her neighbours and her friends all have jobs so can't just drop everything.

I can empathise. We live in an area with no family near and it is tough, but one of those things and it will sort itself out for the OP one way or the other.

GoingBackTo505 · 03/09/2020 13:01

I think like somebody else said above, discuss with your parents them having a bag packed near the door and call them as soon as you get your first pain. Accept that there's a chance you might be alone, but that DH will dash to be with you as soon as your parents arrive. I wonder too now what would happen if it was a single mum who had nobody to have her kids.
Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 13:01

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I do think it's a little sad that you know no one in your community that could watch your toddler for 3 hours if you are in labour while family travel to get there. Do you live somewhere quite remote with no neighbours?
Yes, I suppose it is sad, isn't it. I live in a small city centre, in a small block of apartments. Man upstairs is approx 90 and is moving out, direct man next door lives most of the year in Spain, man downstairs I've never seen apart from on his balcony smoking. The church has been closed for six months . My friends have regular jobs, I couldn't call them at 3am. My best friend from school lives two hours away by car and she can't drive, and my other close friend lives in london - about 3 1/2 hours away.

I asked my sister, who is an absolutely fantastic person, but she said she couldn't promise what work would be like - and anyway, she lives 2 1/2 hours away herself.

What would they do in an emergency - would they refuse to take me? If we started knocking on doors at 3am.. I'm not sure about doing that.

DGM is 89 and lives a long way away too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 13:02

@Blueberryblueberry

Just to say though, I'd be more than happy to be woken in the middle of the night to look after someone's child if they went into labour, be that a friend, or an acqaintance like a neighbour, playgroup/school mum, colleague ... Most people with kids will totally understand your need and that you don't have anyone else. It's also a one off! Just putting it out there as I imagine most people would want to help out and I'd feel really bad if someone I knew gave birth alone if I could have had their child for a few hours/a day - we had a couple of people on standby in case family were not around. May be worth just asking if people don't mind you contacting them as a last resort?
You've made me cry reading about your kindness blueberry!
OP posts:
Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 13:03

DC1 has just seen me getting teary and is telling me it's ok mummy!

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 13:04

@GoingBackTo505

I think like somebody else said above, discuss with your parents them having a bag packed near the door and call them as soon as you get your first pain. Accept that there's a chance you might be alone, but that DH will dash to be with you as soon as your parents arrive. I wonder too now what would happen if it was a single mum who had nobody to have her kids. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.
Thank you very much indeed! xxx
OP posts:
Original poster
SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 13:05

@Meg631

I used a doula for my first, £500 for some pre birth meetings, on call and present during labour and a post birth meeting. Worth every penny.
I'll google this idea now. Perhaps I can get a slimmed down version without the extra meetings for a lower price :-)
OP posts:
LolaLollypop · 03/09/2020 13:06

7hrs for my first. 50min for my 2nd. There's a good chance your parents won't make it in time!!
I arranged for some friends who live nearby to be on standby. We rang them as soon as my waters broke and they were with us in 10min. Thankfully this was at 10pm so DD1 was already asleep. My mum was on her way round (1hr away) and just made it to the hospital in time to watch DS arrive. She left the hospital at midnight and went back to ours and relieved our friends, stayed over so DD had a nice surprise of Nanny there in the morning.
I think it's definitely best to have some sort of local cover. If the labour does take it's time then your friends will be able to leave as soon as your parents arrive.

Sailingblue · 03/09/2020 13:08

You need someone locally really even if just for a few hours until grandparents can get there. My second birth was much faster than my first. I didn’t have a clue I was so far along in labour- even read a story while I was contracting. My in-laws were 2 hours away and fortunately ignored my husband when he said they had hours and made their way over otherwise they wouldn’t have made it in time. We started panicking when they were about 20 mins away and by the time they had arrived I had gone through transition and we were in the car ready to go as they pulled up. If they hadn’t been close, we’d have needed to knock on neighbours to come over and stay with child no.1. I wasn’t far off a car park baby but did get to the hospital in time.

Hollywhiskey · 03/09/2020 13:15

@SomeOtherGirl

I do wonder, if you're at home alone, and you have to call an ambulance, do they refuse to take you in because you have a toddler with you?
My consultant told me that if I went into labour when I was alone with my toddler to call an ambulance and bring her to hospital with me. Presumably a midwife would have sat with her until my husband or parents arrived. I birth quickly and I was at very high risk of PPH though. In the event I had a relaxed latent stage, my parents arrived in time and stayed home with my toddler so my husband could come to hospital with me. If they hadn't made it then he and the toddler would have dropped me at the hospital and he would have come back later when my parents got there. I had a variety of friends ready to take her for an hour or two in case of the ambulance scenario though, I think that would be terrifying for a small child.
hadtojoin · 03/09/2020 13:35

Phone the church creche organiser and ask if they could suggest anyone who would be able to help. I am sure they could find someone who would look after DC for a few hours in an emergency. It could also be someone who you have met previously at the creche.

aToadOnTheWhole · 03/09/2020 13:48

If you're a member of the church then there will absolutely be someone who will help or will know someone to get in touch with to help. All of the "church Nana's/auntie's" I know would be happy to rally round in an emergency.

Same for me, I'd want you to knock on/phone knowing I could help rather than you giving birth alone.

ShinyGreenElephant · 03/09/2020 14:05

I'm in a similarish situation - my parents (and any number of other people to be honest) would happily have DD overnight at a moments notice, but shes never been away from me for more than a couple of hours, certainly never overnight, and is still breastfeeding round the clock, so I would much rather leave her with DH and give birth alone, but obviously that means him missing the birth which seems a little unfair on him. I just hate the idea of her having an upsetting night away from me then I come back with a new baby and she blames the baby and instantly hates it! I've considered a homebirth but it feels risky to me. I just don't know what to do. Hope it all works out for you