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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about toddlers and new baby birth

65 replies

SomeOtherGirl · 03/09/2020 10:49

Hello!

I'm wondering about what to do with DC1 aged 2 while I'm in labour.

I can't find this answer online and I've only seen my midwife once and when I ask the people at the hospital they just say no no no 😊

I spoke to my parents last night and they said - when you go into labour we can be here in 3 hours to look after DC1.

But what if that's not fast enough? DC1 was born in 4 hours start to finish.

There's a window of perhaps 5 weeks when DC2 could be born so I can't drop DC1 off to theirs for the duration.

So my question - based on your own experience please 🙂 - when you have literally nobody to look after DC1 and you go into labour - what happens. Are you forced to give birth at home?

Now, In my situation I do have a DH. He would have to stay home and look after DC1 and I would have no birth partner. Has that happened to you? Did you give birth at home rather than give both with no birth partner?

I am curious though, if you don't have a partner at hand for whatever reason, and you have existing DC and no childcare options at all, what did you do?

I'm asking this in order to decide if I should have a home birth (rubbish as ideally I want drugs) or a lone birth.

Were any of you at home, giving birth, and had to be transferred in, but had no one to look after DCs? What happened?

OP posts:

ShinyGreenElephant · 03/09/2020 14:06

Before Covid I intended for her to come to the hospital with me but theyre not allowing that now

Tenner · 03/09/2020 14:12

It's pretty common for dads not to be present at the birth of subsequent children as they are looking after the older kids. (DH looked after DC1 - he dropped me off at hospital and I gave birth without him). It was far more relaxing than having him nearby when I had DC1. Honestly, it is a non issue. He can come and visit as soon as the baby is born.

Howmanyhourswastedfindinganame · 03/09/2020 14:12

Can you contact local childminders and explain your situation? Some are licensed to care for children until late and also offer a babysitting service.

itshappened · 03/09/2020 14:19

I went into labour early with my second and left my husband and toddler at home, whilst I went to the hospital in the evening. It was an extremely long labour in the end, so he had time to make arrangements for family to look after her the following day and he joined me in the hospital once they had picked her up. It was another 2 days before the baby made an appearance though! However I was prepared to do it alone if things had progressed quickly that first night, as the whole thing was so unexpected and there wasn't time to call the gp's as they were on holiday! I think now is the time to get your toddler familiar with a baby sitter or nanny so it won't be such a shock when the time does come for
the birth.

110APiccadilly · 03/09/2020 14:23

If your DC1 was in a church crèche, I'd contact the church - whoever you can get hold of through their website if you don't have anyone's number. Chances are there'll be someone in the church who would be happy to look after your child for the 3 hours it will take your parents to get there at least.

(You may also get bonus offers of meals/babysitting etc once DC2 has arrived if you're lucky!)

Temple29 · 03/09/2020 14:23

Also in the same boat as you OP. I’m due to have my second baby in 3 days and been worrying about childcare for months! Covid has made everything more complicated because nobody I know is cautious about social distancing etc so only options are to ask a family member to mind DS1 (16 months) even though I know it’s risky or for DH is stay home and I go in an ambulance.

We’ve just moved to a new house and we’re an hour from everybody we know and nobody is willing to stay here in case I go in to labour so I would have to wait for them to arrive and then drive an hour to the hospital.

My hospital has told me to leave as soon as I have any pains and not wait for someone to arrive because second babies tend to arrive faster. Maybe discuss it with your midwife and see what they say?

Wanttolearnmore · 03/09/2020 14:38

Do you know your working friends would not be okay with a 3am phone call or are you assuming? It's worth asking if they would be willing to so it ,you might be surprised, it is a one off very important event. Are none of the working friends on furlough or working from home who could just work from your house until your parents get there?
Do you know any mums with toddlers same age as yours who might help out?
I had a baby 4 months ago at the height of the lockdown and no family could come to look after DS as travel was banned and they're not local. So I had a shortlist of local mum friends, other friends and a neighbour in case any of them were unavailable or had to go to work . Fortunately delivery was quick once I was at the hospital and DH went home after 4 hours away and my local mum friend looked after DS until he got back.
People were willing to help in a tricky situation I would explore all options .

2bazookas · 03/09/2020 15:10

We had no family to call on; we just asked trusted local friends and neighbours. I had several all lined up, ready and waiting for the call to serve. That way, nobody needed to panic if the first called was out, ill, on night shift etc when I went into labour.

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 15:17

Come on op. Just ask some friends /neighbors to be on stand by.

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 15:18

They would only have to be helping out for max 3 hours as your pil would be there then.

NameChange30 · 03/09/2020 15:29

If DC1 was born in 4 hours (start to finish) there's a very strong possibility that DC2 will be born even more quickly. If I were you I would plan for a home birth because I think it's much better and safer to give birth at home (with midwives attending) than in an ambulance or car on the way to the hospital - the thought of that fills me with horror! The advantage of a home birth when you already have DC is that if it happens at night (which is common apparently) then there's a possibility DC1 could just sleep through the whole thing. You'll still need a plan for childcare, though, in case you need to transfer into hospital. I think you have two options:

Friend or babysitter looks after DC1 while DH stays with you.

"My friends have regular jobs, I couldn't call them at 3am." Why not? My friends work full time and they've offered to look after DC1 when I give birth to DC2, they have said I can call at any time of day or night and they are keeping their phones on at night in case I call. Do you not have one local friend who might be willing to do this? Someone who is working from home, maybe? If you don't have a friend who could do it, I suggest researching babysitters - try agencies or ask for recommendations - and use the babysitter a few times beforehand, so that DC1 (and you) can get to know them a bit. Obviously you need a babysitter who lives very close (in case of a fast labour which is likely as I said) and is willing to be "on call" 24/7, they will probably charge a premium for this, but I expect it will work out cheaper than option 2...

DH looks after DC1 (including taking DC1 out of the house if you're having a home birth and don't want them in the house) and you hire a doula to support you while you give birth. This will be a more expensive option. But if you can afford one I think a doula is fantastic and worth the money, there are many more benefits than just solving your childcare issue!

By the way, you said you want pain relief drugs, but presumably you didn't have time for an epidural last time around? You probably won't this time either.

liveitwell · 03/09/2020 15:30

I think with everything you've said (small budget, no family or friends to rely on) you're going to have to seriously consider labouring alone. It won't be that bad and it's just what you may have to do.

FWIW I dropped work for my sister when she went into labour and I would again for a friend. Employers are often good about it, especially now people are at home anyway. I just warned them I will need a few days off around July time and that was that. People take emergency leave all the time.

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 03/09/2020 15:36

My second planned homebirth due to the same issues as you.
Hospital refused to allow it on the day so went with no birth partner.
3rd going in knowing that I will have no birth partner. There is no one the would be reliable to have the kids or young enough so unfortunately we just have to get on with it.
Our isn't actually that bad. I barely noticed my husband was there with our first looking back. The staff were lovely and let me go in the birth centre after the birth so I didn't have to go to the postnatal ward.

EssentialHummus · 03/09/2020 15:39

I'd ask friends / neighbours. In a situation like that people will generally step up. I'd arrange a few gentle introductions between toddler and the relevant person so that toddler gets used to them.

Likewise a babysitter - explain the situation and if they agree have them round for a few short sessions with the toddler, if your budget can stretch to it.

Also, though I accept that the baby could come anywhere from 37 weeks or so, if you're still pregnant at 40 weeks and ready to accommodate your parents for a week or two just to have them there when needed, I'd do that.

ChanklyBore · 03/09/2020 16:05

Second babies often come faster than the first. All the medical professionals I came into contact with strongly suggested a home birth for this reason. If I had tried to leave home in any of my labours id have had a baby at the side of the road in a taxi, not a good idea. So my oldest was at the births of my others and helped. I had to teach the older children about what happens in birth and the noises and what you can do to help and who you can call, that kind of thing in case i was alone with them and had a fats spontaneous birth before help arrived. I didn’t in the end, had time to get help in but I definately considered it was a priority to prepare the children for the eventuality and that they didn’t need to be afraid either of the process happening to me or the emergency people who might come in, things they might see.

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