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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this wedding

63 replies

AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:24

Invited to a wedding in April that is next August. Invited by a friend who I used to be quite close to and who set me up with my now ex boyfriend. Groom is ex boyfriends best friend. Group that is going are all friends that I made through ex and none have really bothered with me since we broke up in January. No longer get invited to things. Wedding is a short flight away, everyone going for 3 nights and staying in same hotel. I just don't want to go. Im not part of the group anymore, I'd feel like a desperate hanger on, I still love my ex and us trying to be friends hasn't worked. I can already picture myself sat at wedding table alone feeling awful hundreds of miles from home. AIBU not to go? And how do I tell herP

OP posts:
Lockheart · 02/09/2020 18:27

It's not obligatory to go. If you really don't want to just apologise and say you can't make it.

Original poster
AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:28

I think I need to say a bit more than that as I accepted the save the date

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 02/09/2020 18:28

Just say you can’t make it, send a card and a bottle of bubbly. They will understand

peachypetite · 02/09/2020 18:32

You just decline. They won’t ask for a reason. No big deal.

AuntieDolly · 02/09/2020 18:33

Have you only had a 'save the date'? You may not get an official invite.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 02/09/2020 18:33

Nah. Decline.

Original poster
AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:33

I was sent a save the date 5 months ago and didn't say anything about not being able to go so I don't think I can just say I'm not going I think I need to give a bit of an explanation

OP posts:
peachypetite · 02/09/2020 18:35

You are massively over thinking this! You don’t RSVP to a save the date.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/09/2020 18:37

Just say you can't go, as the situation has changed for you.

Original poster
AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:40

@peachypetite I've spoken to my ex today, no one has had an official invite. I am part of a group chat where they are booking accommodation.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:40

Would you be fuming if you were the bride or do you think you would understand?

OP posts:
OfficialLurker · 02/09/2020 18:44

Personally I would keep it simple and not explain why. I would do it verbally rather than text or anything (texts can be taken out of context, taken the wrong way, read again and again & shown you others. Give her a call and say things have changed since April and you’re not going to be able to come, you would love to take her out for the day before or afterwards go celebrate a fabulous milestone in her life and look forward to seeing photos of her fabulous dress and the day. If she’s a true friend, she’ll accept that. If she’s not, then no point tying yourself up in knots for someone who doesn’t care enough about you.

ShirleyPhallus · 02/09/2020 18:45

@AIBU22

Would you be fuming if you were the bride or do you think you would understand?
I don’t know anyone in real life who “fumes” about anything so I think you’ll be ok!
Original poster
AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:47

@ShirleyPhallus you don't know anyone who gets annoyed or angry about anything? Lucky you!

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/09/2020 18:48

Why would you need to give an explanation for not going. You just send a decline invitation card with a bottle of champagne.

vapeinafleshlight · 02/09/2020 18:48

You'll be doing them a favour! They won't know how to remove you from the group. Just leave the chat with an "enjoy guys, hope you all have fun".

ShirleyPhallus · 02/09/2020 18:48

[quote AIBU22]@ShirleyPhallus you don't know anyone who gets annoyed or angry about anything? Lucky you![/quote]
No I know lots of people who get annoyed and angry. But “fuming” seems to be something that exclusively happens to people on Mumsnet

romeolovedjulliet · 02/09/2020 18:50

i don't want to be mean but it seems you aren't on their radar as it is and things change. decline and do something YOU want to instead.

OldEvilOwl · 02/09/2020 18:51

Don't go. As long as your not letting them down last minute its fine

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 02/09/2020 18:52

If I was the bride I'm sure I'd understand... honestly on the day she'll be noticing who is there not who isn't...

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2020 18:52

Things change. Making up some bullshit explanation is only going to be glaringly obvious. I seriously doubt they will even really care, honestly.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 02/09/2020 18:53

I’ve been married, I wasn’t upset about anyone who declined an invite tbh, even the couple who decided the week before to book a holiday on the day of our wedding. They told me in enough time to fill the space (was a little peeved but understood their reason). As someone else said you’re massively overthinking this! Just decline.

Rainbowshine · 02/09/2020 18:58

All you have to say is that circumstances have changed and you’re no longer able to attend, you wish them a lovely wedding day and hope to celebrate with them another time. Better to do that now than in July next year.

GameSetMatch · 02/09/2020 19:01

I’m positive the bride would understand! I wouldn’t go if I was in your position either.

I’d just send a little note thanking them for the invite and be really breezy say something unexpected has come up so you can no longer attend if you don’t feel comfortable giving the real reason. If you act breezy and don’t say any specifics I’m sure there won’t be a follow up question.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/09/2020 19:05

Tbh OP if they're not inviting you to other things and you only really knew them through an ex then they'll probably be relieved if you say you're not going.