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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to this wedding

63 replies

AIBU22 · 02/09/2020 18:24

Invited to a wedding in April that is next August. Invited by a friend who I used to be quite close to and who set me up with my now ex boyfriend. Groom is ex boyfriends best friend. Group that is going are all friends that I made through ex and none have really bothered with me since we broke up in January. No longer get invited to things. Wedding is a short flight away, everyone going for 3 nights and staying in same hotel. I just don't want to go. Im not part of the group anymore, I'd feel like a desperate hanger on, I still love my ex and us trying to be friends hasn't worked. I can already picture myself sat at wedding table alone feeling awful hundreds of miles from home. AIBU not to go? And how do I tell herP

OP posts:

2bazookas · 02/09/2020 19:21

You just say " Sorry, won't be able to make it to the wedding. All best wishes"

No need to give reasons.

Lonoxo · 02/09/2020 21:08

I would decline and send a card and gift. That would be a classy response. Would you have been upset if they didn’t invite you originally?

Newfornow · 02/09/2020 21:24

It’s an invite not a summons.

DalzielandPaxo · 02/09/2020 21:49

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks may have put it a little bluntly but basically, this.

Thehop · 02/09/2020 21:52

If they’re not inviting you to things you may not get an invite? A save the date isn’t an invite?

altiara · 02/09/2020 21:56

Save the date is exactly that - save the date if you’re not already busy. Once you actually get an invitation, then you can decline.

1Morewineplease · 02/09/2020 22:14

Just send a card that says you're unable to attend.

BigBlondeBimbo · 02/09/2020 22:24

No, this wouldn't bother me if I was the bride. Not at all. Different if you had stayed in touch with her or the groom and were friendly, but even then it really is an invitation, not a summons.

You don't need an elaborate excuse. I would just explain to the bride or groom (whichever you're closer to) that unfortunately you can no longer make it to the wedding, but you wish them all the luck in the world and would love to send a gift if they have a gift register or whatever it is people do these days! Then send a smallish gift and a nicely worded card. No bridges burned, but you don't have to go.

FWIW, I wouldn't want to go either!

LeaveMyDamnJam · 02/09/2020 22:27

Don’t worry. A save the date isn’t a formal invite. The formal invite comes out from about 3 months before the wedding date. Just leave it. If you do get an invite, decline. It’s perfectly ok.

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2020 22:36

Honestly, just decline. So what if she IS angry? Seriously - what will happen?

Shizzlestix · 02/09/2020 22:38

I wouldn’t care, as long as I was told with plenty of notice. It shouldn’t affect the price at this stage.

NeedToKnow101 · 02/09/2020 22:47

"No I know lots of people who get annoyed and angry. But “fuming” seems to be something that exclusively happens to people on Mumsnet"

And livid!

BonosSigh · 02/09/2020 23:00

Do you otherwise stay in touch with these people? Will you meet up with them in the future? You may have been a 'duty' invite given the proximity of your relationships with them and your ex and they could be quite relieved that you decline!

Just respond to the RSVP with a personalised message, and you'll be grand

Sk1nnyB1tch · 02/09/2020 23:24

I once went on a friend's hen weekend where the ex girlfriend of a friend of the groom came.
The other partners of the groom's friends acted towards her as they did the rest of us, as polite strangers.
She was obviously taken aback that her "friends" were acting so strangely and it was a weekend away with transport organised so she couldn't just go home.
I felt so bad for her and was as friendly and inclusive with her as possible. She put on a brave face but was clearly hurt.
Don't be that women, stay away from this wedding.

reader12 · 02/09/2020 23:30

Definitely don’t go to the wedding. They won’t mind. And do yourself a favour and leave the group chat too. You need to move on, leave your ex and his friends in the past where they belong and make some new friends.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2020 23:32

[quote AIBU22]@ShirleyPhallus you don't know anyone who gets annoyed or angry about anything? Lucky you![/quote]
I honestly doubt they'll lose any sleep over you not going.

Disengage from this group.

DawnAnn · 02/09/2020 23:34

I would just decline. If you are no longer close and are no longer invited to other things then you shouldn't need to explain. I would just send them a card to wish them well and leave it at that.

madcatladyforever · 02/09/2020 23:39

Of course dont go it will be awful. Just say it clashes with a family wedding you have to go to or some such nonsense.

DookaDakkaDikku · 02/09/2020 23:40

Sounds like torture to me. I agree with other posters, leave the chat with a breezy message now and decline the invite when it arrives. If anyone says anything, say you can't make it. If they push say there's an even longer standing family engagement on that date!

Poppyisa · 02/09/2020 23:45

Is the wedding August 2021? That’s so far out. No one will be fuming, it gives them loads of time to seat plan and organize. I wouldn’t go. Cite not wanting to travel alone, or not being able to plan that far out due to job insecurity, Busy with studies, or anything you like really.

I wouldn’t want to go either.

Ginseng1 · 02/09/2020 23:47

You should leave the group & move on. Do nothing & IF you get an invite (because no guarantee of that) politely decline. Do u really want to be stuck at a wedding abroad with your ex & his friends.

RatInADollhouse · 02/09/2020 23:48

OP it sounds like you are struggling with this breakup and part of that is no longer being part of your ex’s group of friends. Unless you’d been with your ex for a decade and the bride had become your personal very close friend I actually think it would be strange if you did go. I wonder if you might be subconsciously looking for someone to tell you that you really should go to this wedding and maybe you will look amazing and your ex will realize what he’s missing. It’s natural that you would be hoping for that if you still love your ex but I think you would end up really uncomfortable the whole time. The rest of the group would be wondering how to treat you and it would just be awkward. And what if your ex brought somebody else? This is almost a year away, you could both be married to other people by then!

I know how tempting it is to keep these connections alive when you are sad about a breakup but the healthiest thing is to let it go. Likewise why are you speaking to your ex? You said yourself it didn’t work to be friends. These friends may be lovely but they are your ex’s friends and that means it’s time for you to bow out gracefully for everyone’s sake.

The faster you move on the faster you will meet the amazing guy who will make you forget your ex even existed.

CurlyStrawsRock · 03/09/2020 10:46

I was sent a save the date 5 months ago and didn't say anything about not being able to go so I don't think I can just say I'm not going I think I need to give a bit of an explanation

No you don't, you just send a message and say you can no longer go but thank them for the invite and hope they have a wonderful day! End of.

So many over thinkers in the world, how do you get through the day?!

VainAbigail · 03/09/2020 10:57

You don’t RSVP a save the date. You RSVP the actual invitation when it arrives. It’s next August so 11 months away. That’s a long time for people to book themselves in advance. When you get the invitation, send your decline card and leave it as that. You don’t need to explain and you certainly don’t need to send booze

PS - if you’ve not agreed to pay money out yet for anything that you may owe the b&g for, no one will be “fuming”. That’s illogical.

Original poster

AIBU22 · 03/09/2020 18:23

People are not reading the whole thread. I am part of a group chat including bride and groom and about 10 close friends who are all booking accommodation.

OP posts:

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