To be angry at my grans death ?

[idontthinkicare]

My gran was in her late 90s
She fell broke her hip but recovered in April.
Social services said she had to go in care home.
The care home neglected her and she ended up nearly dying due to untreated uti and severe dehydration which damaged her kidneys.
Moved her care homes but she never picked up.
She was drinking sips of water and a few spoons of food.
The hospital put a care plan which stated they didn't think hospital admissions and iv drips was the right thing for her every few weeks.
So she effectively was left in the care home to die.
She was only drinking small amounts.
10 days ago she was really sleepy and I knew that was because she was dehydrated and I knew her salt levels will have been high.
Due to the care plan no hospital admissions.
She then died 7 days later.
I'm angry
When she first went in this home she was eating and drinking fine.
Now she's dead.
I know she died with dehydration didn't she?
If they had admitted her and put her on a drip she would still be here today?

I'm so sorry

sorry about your gran.

I'm sorry OP, I would be angry too.

I'm sorry to hear about your Gran.
People of that age often don't really recover from an accident and it isn't always anyone's fault.

Try to focus on the the fact that she died peacefully in the Care Home where people knew her rather than on a busy hospital ward.

All the for you OP - it's really shit. However, I will say that it's very common for elderly people to stop eating and drinking when they're bodies are giving up - it's the closest thing you can get to dying of old age and it's usually not uncomfortable for them. IMO it's less dignified to be force-fed and put on drips than it is to let people drift away naturally. I hope you find some comfort in that but it doesn't make it any less shit.

I’m sorry that happened OP. It is natural to be angry. Where was she living before? Was there any chance she could have moved in with family?

I think it was her time, and the only unfortunate part is that you think she was neglected in the care home. But I agree with the hospital that being transferred all the time would not have been in her interest either.

*their bodies

OP, I am so sorry for your loss

I know it's hard, but honestly, interventional treatment for a very elderly person can be brutal and is often not the kindest course of action, it's why we have such things as uDNACPR and palliative care pathways; because trying to get a drip into an elderly patient can be difficult and cause more harm than good.

I understand you are angry, and by all means raise your concerns with the nursing home manager or your Gran's GP and see if there is anything they could have done differently so that lessons can be learnt.

But you have to be realistic, she was late 90's and no one lives forever (please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest)

I am sorry for your loss. You have written before haven't you. Your poor nan had dementia and was dying sadly. Forcing someone to stay alive forever is pointless unfortunately and not in their best interests. It was her time

I just hate feeling like I've let her down.
I should have refused the plan but the doctors were so convincing it was the best.
I thought I could get her drinking but she was just sipping everything and the smallest spoons of food.

@Nevergoingbackthere hi yeah I posted a month ago when she was last in hospital

Her dementia had got worse.
She still recognised me but was talking about things years gone by.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please do try to get a debrief on your Gran's passing. We had a McMillan nurse come to speak to us even though my Dad wasn't passing with cancer. She explained that a drip would not be kind to him as his body was no longer processing food or drink and any liquid would just end up pooled in his abdomen. The mechanics of dying are often kept from us but when it is explained you realise that eventually the body fails and nothing more can be done. I hope she was able to go peacefully and with her dignity.

I would be angry too. Just because she was in her 90's doesn't mean she deserves to be left in a corner to die. My aunt fell and broke her hip when she was 98. The doctors didn't even want to do surgery. They said she wouldn't heal, just make her comfortable. We insisted. She had the surgery, went back to her home and lived five more years! I am almost 70 now and I am more afraid of the Health Care System than I am of covid.

I’m sorry for your loss but I do think that this is the reality of dying for people who don’t die of cancer/ heart attack etc but simply die of old age. It happened to my gran my mum and my aunt.
Try and focus on the good times you had with her and the love you shared.

I’m so sorry this happened to your Gran I can understand why you are angry and I would feel the same way. Are you able to seek advice regarding the care (Or lack of) she received?
Try to focus on the positives of her life and that she passed away peacefully at a grand age. I know it’s hard though, I still feel down about my nans passing 13 years ago feeling that everyone had let her down and not tried hard enough, give yourself time to grieve

Feeling guilty is a normal part of grieving. The doctors are right. It would have been cruel to extend your nan's life, through drips and hospital admissions. We are not meant to live forever. Hold on to the many good memories that you must have. She will always be with you.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Iv fluids and other hospital based treatments to not keep a person alive forever and can be distressing. They also carry their own risks.

If your gran indeed had dementia and was in her high 90s it is very likely that she had reached the end of her natural life span. This is clearly very sad for you and upsetting, but death is a part of life.

If she had died in hospital on a drip would you feel any better? Are you having any kind of feelings of guilt regarding your own input in to her care decisions??
There is no right way to grieve and anger is often part of the process (sometimes even anger directed against the person who died).
Be very kind to yourself, accept that your feel what you have to feel and try to remember the good times and memories you have with your gran and not just her final day/weeks.

She knows you loved her, and how much you wanted to help her. There comes a time when you can't keep a person in their body any longer. Ours weren't designed to get to 90 (mine is trying hard to pack up at 50!). Veins and skin get very delicate, digestive systems don't work too well, and kidneys stop doing their job properly.

My husbands gran lived on biscuits for the last few years. Not something we could have tolerated for a child, but not unreasonable for someone whose body was quietly packing up, and who couldn't be bothered with proper eating anymore.

try and focus on happier times.

I had looked after her since I was a teen and I'm 34 now and then she didn't even live 3 months after placing her in care home.
My brain is saying 2 things.
1.she was refusing to eat and drink a lot because she didn't want it but then I think they should have gave her drips.
Then I think If the first care home hadn't neglected her and started her down spiral this wouldn't of happened.

@idontthinkicare I remember your last post about your gran. I’m so sorry, many of us tried to prepare you then that she was coming to the end of her life with not eating and drinking being extremely common with dementia patients as they reach the end. A hospital admission would absolutely not have been the best thing for her. I’m sorry for your loss and I really hope you can focus on the happy times you had together and how much you loved and cared for her.

it must be hard i lost my mum when she was 57 i was angry i wwanted to sue im still not convinced they cold have saved her-but now what will it do it wont bring her back

you need time to grieve she was a good age and you looked after her-dementia is cruel and alot of people dont recover after a fall at that age it was just her time

I'm sorry for your loss, you obviously loved your gran loads.

However, it has been a long time since you've been able to think rationally about what's been going on and I really think some counselling would help.

@idontthinkicare

I had looked after her since I was a teen and I'm 34 now and then she didn't even live 3 months after placing her in care home. My brain is saying 2 things. 1.she was refusing to eat and drink a lot because she didn't want it but then I think they should have gave her drips. Then I think If the first care home hadn't neglected her and started her down spiral this wouldn't of happened.

It's very likely that had they put a drip line in, she would have either fought it or pulled it straight back out again. DP's GM did exactly that - putting a drip into a non consenting patient isn't something you can do without causing distress and risking injury. And they can really hurt even when you consent.

It sounds like they gave her the opportunity to die without being scared, without being forced or sedated into having treatment she would have found distressing, in a relatively peaceful environment compared to a hospital ward and she went as gently as possible.

I remember your previous thread, sorry to hear about your gran, she was obviously very loved by you.