To ask whether you know what you look like

[hughjackman88]

Inspired by a similar thread. Does anyone else not know how they truly look?
I honestly couldn't tell you my true hair colour, dark or light, or whether I am fat or skinny, I see myself in comparison to the people around me. Some of my features look so awful, yet on other women they look nice.
I see other women as beautiful, almost all women, yet I feel I look strange, my features don't fit and I couldn't begin to describe them.
History of depression could factor into this. I have always felt unattractive, from as early as I can remember. Does anyone else feel like this and can you describe it again properly? I'm trying to change my way of thinking, I would love to be confident in the way I look, to have the confidence to say 'I'm a blonde' or 'I'm a brunette'.

I hear you. I’m aging fast at the moment and no longer sure what I look like.
I’m concentrating on growing my hair long and losing weight to offset my disquiet with my face- which is still ok but just not how it used to look.

I have very dark hair, almost black, it’s long and thick and I have a full fringe. I’m 5ft 5 but people sometimes describe me as tall which baffles me. I have very blue eyes and pale skin. I am overweight, have been all my life really but always had plenty of male interest, more than my best friend who is super skinny which annoys her!

However, lockdown has been shit. Really shit. I injured my knee and foot and have hardly moved after being used to lots of walking and have put on around 2 st. I now look huge, nothing fits me and I feel horrible.
Hair needs a good cut, my eyebrows need doing and I haven’t shaved my legs since May. I decided this week that enough is enough and I’m going to get fit and start making an effort with myself.

I only recently got a full length mirror in the house and that shocked me beyond belief

I don’t think anyone is fully satisfied with themselves.

I don't realise I'm as short as I am. I know I'm short, but I don't think of myself as short, if you know what I mean. Then I see myself in a photo next to someone else and realise I'm tiny.

@DDIJ

I don't have a mirror in the house. I had a husband who kept telling me I was ugly. My DC say the same. My father ridicules me if I try to do anything to my appearance like wear lip gloss. I'm best off not knowing what I look like.

You look fine. You had an abusive father who gave you a terrible model of manliness and so you were drawn to an equally abusive man whose purposes were served by having you hate yourself. This was then imbibed by your children.

Ironically, the two abusive men probably felt a huge need to make you feel ugly precisely because you are anything but.

OP you might have BDD (body dismorphia). I have it and so I tend to look like how I feel- if that makes sense. I am ugly and haggard when feeling low, and I’m pretty on some extremely rare days (which just makes me feel confused.) I tend to err on the side of me being ugly, but I KNOW it isn’t true really. E.g. I used to model, and now I’m early thirties and still get asked for ID. To me I look ancient and flabby. It’s all in the eye of the beholder, I guess. I find that it helps to look in the mirror and see ‘me’ and not what I think other people see, i.e to try and see my personality, my memories and my sense of humour. It helps quite a lot

OP, I have the opposite. The mirrors in our house are too flattering. The light in our bathroom is too kind, I think I look fine then see photos of this obese, slumped, grumpy old hag. Very upsetting as I think I look a bit plump but upright and smiley.

I know I'm not a looker, but I do the best with what I have, and in recent years have come to accept that "this is just the way I look".

That being said, I feel like I'm aging better than many of the girls I went to school with, who were traditionally "pretty" and "prettier than me". I'm 35, but feel like, on a good day, I could easily pass for late 20s. Whereas some ladies the same age as me are looking far the wrong side of 40. I've also been surprised at the number with a lot of grey hairs. I've got a few, but really not many, and not enough to see in a photo.

Yes is the simple answer and I don't look good. I am morbidly obese. How I feel is more important to me though and I don't feel good either, so need to make some changes to improve that and hopefully will look better as a result.

@happinessischocolate I love your philosophy of loving your body for what it can do. And has done - 3 kids in 2 pregnancies has left marks on mine but hey, I made 3 little lives and that's mind-blowing when you stop to think about it. I'm over 40 now, I think I still look all right for my age and enjoy wearing nice clothes, style my hair most days etc but honestly I just don't CARE about it in the way I did when I was younger. I have so much else going on in my life and what the mirror says isn't a loud voice in my head any more. I still dye the grey hair though

At 52 I’m built like a parsnip. I used to be an hourglass with a pretty face and nice hair, but life took over and I didn’t keep up.

Whereas some ladies the same age as me are looking far the wrong side of 40.

There is no "wrong" side of 40, 50, 60 or 500. There is whatever side you happen to be on of whatever arbitrary number terrifies you, and that's that.

Besides, the definition of beauty is not as young as possible. You might want to train yourself out of that.

Wow I didn't expect so many responses! Sadly it seems like so many of us really aren't happy with ourselves. I bet everyone on this thread is beautiful to someone, at least one person. In my experience people aren't actually unattractive. I agree with PP(sorry I can't find your name) that we try to block our own appearance out in our minds. Why does it start so early in childhood for some.
To those of you who can say it, where do you find the confidence to say 'this is what I look like, this is me'?

@Anordinarymum I'm so sorry your story really puts things into perspective.

I'm 51, I don't have a single line or wrinkle on my face but I have quite suddenly developed acne (WTAF!) It's so embarrassing and I feel awful. I'm convinced people must think I'm dirty and for the first time in my life I hate seeing myself in the mirror.

I thought that at nearly 50 I would look ancient but little did I know that age doesn’t necessarily mean wrinkles, it can also mean still looking youthful - but looking so very different, sometimes so very ugly. I have seen myself while lying in bed holding my tablet, for instance, or walking past a shop window, and been utterly appalled. Snapped up for a part in a horror film indeed (as pp said)!

It’s embarrassing - sometimes I feel misunderstood, as though I want to tell people who the real me is, e.g., I’m actually middle aged not ugly! But of course I am both.

Once a month, I look like myself again - last few hormones being squeezed out of old ovaries. People are more interested in me on these days.

Thank you op for this thread and for the wonderful responses on it. So many - Dilbertian (made me shed a tear), GNfan, and happinessischocolate, you all made me think, thank you.

I know what I 'think' I look like and that's a fatter frumpy version of myself, my looks are a bit depressing to me at the moment as I feel like I've completely lost them, what I was and how I felt about myself have gone out of the window and I'm left with a plump puffy version of who I am. It's so hard as I used to pride myself on my clothes and make up and felt good about myself. Now I'm a shadow of that. It's all changed since giving up work and moving abroad. I feel like I spend so much time at home alone that all my motivation has gone.

This thread is sad. And so much could have been avoided if we had had the right love and care from others - so that we could love ourselves more.

And YY to the fact we should have perspective and enjoy and be grateful for what our bodies can do more than what they look like.

But those childhood voices - whether critical, abusive, or simply lacking in any praise whatsoever haunt us, don't they.

But I think we are too harsh on ourselves.

I started a thread just yesterday in S&B about what to do about my hair as have a cut booked. I posted some (imvho not great/flattering, but not awful) photos of myself. Loads of lovely posters came on and said it looked great/I looked great. That wasn't why I posted. I personally see myself in the mirror as a bit drab, hair a bit lank making my face look really long, and of course I see the wrinkles and non-youthful skin. But either other posters were being kind (lovely of them but not why I posted) or they see me differently. I see myself through the critical eyes of my parents. No praise ever forthcoming. I pick out the negatives. (And I am less glowy skinned at 48 than I was at 18).

So, to answer your question, No, I don't think I do know what I look like to others.

Wheretocut I grew up with a very slim sister and bith my sister and mother were constantly on diets, my brother and dad always looked at slim girls and made comments, even my husband has mentioned a few tines in 'jest' my weight gain. So I feel as if being a few stone heavier makes me kind of worthless and unlovable, mostly in my own mind.

@Anordinarymum , I am so sorry to hear of your loss :(

When I get ready to go out I don't think I look too bad, make up ok, hair ok, then we take photos and I look flipping awful, can barely see my make up and my hair is flat :(

Not a clue. I have disordered thinking about my body and think I look about 3 or 4 sizes larger than I actually wear.

I guarantee that literally EVERYONE posting on this thread would be considered attractive by other people reading this thread. I know that for a fact.

Nice smile, pretty hair, lovely skin, strong features, quirky look...I promise you, for at least one reason, you are nice to look at.

Monstrous. Dd took some photos of me today.

I'm very photogenic/Pretty if I KNOW i'm having my photo taken and smile/angle accordingly.

If someone just takes a picture, I seriously look like a different person.

Definitely to do with my ears which are big - and if i KNOW i'm having a photo, they are well hidden. I look like a totally different person with my hair up and back than when it's loose.

I'm also a good 3 stone heavier than I still am in my head in my old size 10 body.

I don't think about it too much. I basically get my feedback from other people, so my overall conclusion is I'm fairly unremarkable looking - I never seem to have got the harrassment that most women describe as frequent, and I can't say I'm sad to have missed that! I do know a few guys have found me very attractive, so I think I am an acquired taste.

I'm short, I'm perceived as slim though I hardly have typical feminine proportions (good legs, large waist, small boobs) and I look younger than I am - most people are surprised when they hear I'm in my early 40s/have a child at secondary school.

I've always been happy with my body and how I look - it's not where my value as a human being comes from and I seemed to have missed the memo about how I'm supposed to be super critical of how I look.