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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

weird woman at work

59 replies

sixswans · 01/09/2020 21:54

There's a (gay, married) woman at my work who has a crush on me (she's told people this). She's also autistic to some degree, and just doesn't get social cues or hints at all. She's constantly trying to get my attention, being over effusive, if I assist her with anything, even minor, (work related) she buys me chocolates. She clearly wants to be friends and doesn't get the hint that I want to be professional acquaintances only. If we have a minor insignificant interaction at work she'll message me that evening on facebook, saying things like 'thanks so much for blah blah blah, hope all's well with you'. A couple of times she's randomly driven in next to my car just as I'm leaving work, 'because she needed to tell me my car windows were open', though there's no reason for her to be there. I can only assume she was waiting.

I find her annoying, but harmless, but it does make me feel uncomfortable at times. Currently my approach is avoiding unnecessary contact, being polite when needing to, and not replying to any social media messages. It feels weird ignoring messages but I'm not obliged to interact with someone outside of work if I don't want to do I?! Am I rude ignoring her?! Anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:

Muggly · 01/09/2020 21:59

Do you have a manager or hr person you can go to that can clearly give the message she needs to back off? If she's waiting in the car it's unacceptable and stalkery.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/09/2020 22:04

Don’t deal with this on your own. It’s a minefield.

What kind of work place is it?

user18534687433234 · 01/09/2020 22:10

Well, if she uses mumsnet I expect your problem will be sorted, as she'll recognise herself from your post.

We all have our quirks and things that annoy some people but others find endearing. You say yourself this is harmless - just seems like a mismatch in personalities. Personally, at work I find it easiest to just learn how people are, adapt to it, and accept them for the quirky individuals they are rather than getting annoyed.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/09/2020 22:13

@user18534687433234 is this you?

OP, it sounds like you are tolerant and have been accepting. However, this has moved into a space where you are uncomfortable in the work place as a result of her actions. You don’t need to accept that. But, tread really really carefully - ideally with HR/managers experienced support.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 22:15

You need to block her from all of your social media.

littlecatfeet · 01/09/2020 22:16

No one would be saying this is harmless if it were a man.

I would definitely bring this to the attention of management / HR, and then, if she is actually autistic, have a very blunt conversation with her. Spend some time preparing so you can be specific - "this behaviour makes me uncomfortable, this is unacceptable, this is okay".

Hoppinggreen · 01/09/2020 22:19

As she is gay I think you need to treat this situation the same as you would if it was a man doing it (although a woman is generally less physically threatening).
If she is making you uncomfortable peak to HR

ArcticSky · 01/09/2020 22:45

If she's autistic she may not understand your social cues of not being interested any may need to be told directly which of her behaviours are not appropriate. Agree this should be done by line manager/HR.

agododopushpineapple · 01/09/2020 22:48

@user18534687433234 and if this were a man what would you say?
I would try and speak to someone - a manager maybe rather than HR. Very tricky situation

Grannyspecsandslippers · 01/09/2020 22:58

Is there someone you can speak to to have a Word with her? A work friend she has? Or a mgr ? Presumably they know she’s autistic so that will be taken into account but she’s being overly friendly, which is a pain, but could cross the line so I would nip it in the bud.
Can you speak to her and say that you don’t want presents or thanks, it’s too much?

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2020 23:01

Why on earth is she your friend on Facebook?

That's a blurred line there if you want to be professional acquaintances only.

Grannyspecsandslippers · 01/09/2020 23:01

I wouldn’t treat her the same as if it were a Bloke for the obvious reason that she isn’t a man, gay or not. Gay women don’t behave like men. Don’t th in a like men and she’s not a threat to you in the same way as a man might be. Also, you’ve only got other people’s word that she has a crush on you - and it may not be a romantic crush either.

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2020 23:03

Gay women don’t behave like men.

How do men behave?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 01/09/2020 23:07

@WorraLiberty

Why on earth is she your friend on Facebook?

That's a blurred line there if you want to be professional acquaintances only.

This. You’ve blurred the boundaries having her on social media. You’ve added her as a fb friend, so she considers you a friend

BigBadVoodooHat · 01/09/2020 23:07

@WorraLiberty

Gay women don’t behave like men.

How do men behave?

And, more to the point, how do gay women behave, as a homogeneous mass?

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2020 23:09

BigBadVoodooHat that was going to be my next question!

thatplaceinjordan · 01/09/2020 23:10

If you don't feel happy with the messaging outside work then block her on social media.

I'd also mention it to hr. with a 'paper trail'.

BashfulClam · 01/09/2020 23:10

Unwanted attention is not acceptable no matter who it comes from!

LonginesPrime · 01/09/2020 23:14

She clearly wants to be friends and doesn't get the hint that I want to be professional acquaintances only

Why did you befriend her on Facebook then?

BigBadVoodooHat · 01/09/2020 23:17

@WorraLiberty

BigBadVoodooHat that was going to be my next question!

Great minds ...

Shizzlestix · 01/09/2020 23:20

Take her off your Facebook for a start! That’s over friendly, IMO.

Bbang · 01/09/2020 23:29

OP has just mentioned messaging via Facebook so it’s possible they aren’t friends on their personal profiles, the colleague could be utilising the Facebook messenger app? Even so OP I would block her on all social media but also make sure to block on the messenger app. And absolutely speak to HT first thing in the morning and get a paper trail going with emails (send a follow up recap email regarding said HT meet etc).

Bbang · 01/09/2020 23:29

HR even!

SquidwardTortellini95 · 01/09/2020 23:38

@WorraLiberty You can message someone on FB without being friends with them.

But I agree that, OP, you should block her on all social media so she can no longer message you. I think it's worth mentioning it to HR as well. She may not mean to make you uncomfortable, but she is, so she needs to stop.

melj1213 · 01/09/2020 23:46

Unwanted attention is unwanted attention and you should not just keep quiet to keep the peace.

Firstly you need to speak to HR or a manager about her behaviour - whilst it isnt threatening or abusive, it is still unwanted and is making you uncomfortable - and they can speak to her about general workplace expectations/interactions.

Also, every time she does something inappropriate you should politely but firmly shut it down. You dont have to be rude, just politely acknowledge the gesture but ask her not to do it again. If she continues then just don't engage. If she gives you chocolate for doing your job: "Please don't buy me chocolates, it makes me uncomfortable to feel obliged to accept a gift for doing my job, " and then any future time refuse with a polite "No thank you" and don't take it/return it to her if she leaves it on your desk or whatever. If she messages you outside work time over something insignificant: "You're welcome, but I prefer not to discuss work out of the office. You thanked me at the time, that was enough" then stonewall all future messages and if she asks you why you didnt reply "I dont discuss work in my personal time" etc.

The whole buying chocolates for doing your job is weird - it's almost like she is buying attention. One of my colleagues will randomly buy me a bag of sweets, bottle of pop or bunch of flowers maybe once a month but we are friends and it is usually because I've offered to cover a shift or let her leave early just a spontaneous thing to be nice because the fancy took her. If she started buying me gifts every time I did something for her then it would definitely no longer feel like a nice gesture and would make me feel uncomfortable.

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