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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

weird woman at work

59 replies

sixswans · 01/09/2020 21:54

There's a (gay, married) woman at my work who has a crush on me (she's told people this). She's also autistic to some degree, and just doesn't get social cues or hints at all. She's constantly trying to get my attention, being over effusive, if I assist her with anything, even minor, (work related) she buys me chocolates. She clearly wants to be friends and doesn't get the hint that I want to be professional acquaintances only. If we have a minor insignificant interaction at work she'll message me that evening on facebook, saying things like 'thanks so much for blah blah blah, hope all's well with you'. A couple of times she's randomly driven in next to my car just as I'm leaving work, 'because she needed to tell me my car windows were open', though there's no reason for her to be there. I can only assume she was waiting.

I find her annoying, but harmless, but it does make me feel uncomfortable at times. Currently my approach is avoiding unnecessary contact, being polite when needing to, and not replying to any social media messages. It feels weird ignoring messages but I'm not obliged to interact with someone outside of work if I don't want to do I?! Am I rude ignoring her?! Anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:

RubixMania · 01/09/2020 23:47

Gay women don’t behave like men

How do men behave? And, more to the point, how do gay women behave, as a homogeneous mass?

A silly point to pick on. I think it’s clear what the poster meant when she said this woman isn’t a threat in the same way as a man would be.

Does it really need spelling out why men are a far, far greater risk to women than other women (lesbian or not)? Is it necessary to provide all the statistics showing that the vast majority of sexual assaults/violent attacks on women are carried out by men? Not to mention the usual size/strength difference.

It’s perfectly reasonable and blindingly obvious why the op would be at far higher risk from a creepy man at work than a creepy woman.

IvyEf · 01/09/2020 23:58

Why does everyone always suggest HR in the first instance?!

Speak to her - be clear. 'this attention is unwarranted and unprofessional and it's making me uncomfortable. I'm afraid your crush on me is not reciprocated. Please stop doing x y and z.'
Remove her from Facebook.

If that doesn't work speak to your manager and ask them to deal with it.
If them speaking to her/her manager doesn't work that is when you involve HR.

borntohula · 02/09/2020 00:05

Just checking to make sure this isn't about me.

Linning · 02/09/2020 00:11

I wouldn't go to HR without speaking to her first.

You have never made her aware her behavior is inappropriate, tell her and if she continues then yes proceed to HR.

In her head she probably sees herself as doing nothing wrong and just being kind and probably can't see how that can be perceived as inappropriate (which has probably a lot to do with you knowing she has a crush though yes I could see her behavior as a little annoying/over the top regardless), if she didn't have a crush, her buying you chocolate as a thank you and sending you a text everytime you do something to help her to thank you and catch up, probably wouldn't gather as much of a reaction.

It's okay to feel the way you do btw, but I would assume she doesn't know why what she does is too much and I would let her know to give her a fair oppportunity to stop and change before treating it as harassment and contacting HR.

seayork2020 · 02/09/2020 00:14

It would be sexual harrasement if it was a man, why is different if it was a woman? tell her to stop and/or go to HR

pinksunday · 02/09/2020 00:20

Agree with the others who have said soraj to her first - even if it's via WhatsApp. Say she is making you uncomfortable and can age stop doing x, y, z or you'll need to escalate. Do you have the same line manager at work? X

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2020 00:20

@RubixMania

Gay women don’t behave like men

How do men behave? And, more to the point, how do gay women behave, as a homogeneous mass?

A silly point to pick on. I think it’s clear what the poster meant when she said this woman isn’t a threat in the same way as a man would be.

It’s perfectly reasonable and blindingly obvious why the op would be at far higher risk from a creepy man at work than a creepy woman.

So because she's not a 'threat' or a 'risk', the OP should put up with this woman telling people she has a crush on her and making her feel uncomfortable in the workplace?

I hope you don't work in HR...

pinksunday · 02/09/2020 00:21

That was supposed to say speak to her..

Mintjulia · 02/09/2020 00:22

Agree with @Ivyef, why involve HR first. Just block her on social media, tell her calmly that you prefer to keep your professional life professional, and leave it at that.

pinksunday · 02/09/2020 00:22

She not age

I need to proof read before I post

melj1213 · 02/09/2020 00:25

Why does everyone always suggest HR in the first instance?!

Perhaps because one of HRs main roles is to facilitate employee relations, including minor disputes?

I work in a major supermarket, our HR colleague would prefer that people came to her with minor issues to get advice on how to handle things properly rather than trying to solve it alone, getting their approach wrong and the other party ends up putting a grievance in and it turns into a massive issue that needn't have existed.

Additionally, it means HR is aware that the OP has an issue, so even if she is going to try and deal with it directly first it is already flagged with HR if that doesn't work. Especially considering the fact that this woman is gay and autistic, both protected characteristics, HR would probably want to know sooner rather than later so that they can advise for or against a specific course of action.

Idontlikeyoghurt · 02/09/2020 00:45

Speak to HR asap. Tell them what you've told us on here and how it makes you feel. Delete her off social media. Keep conversations brief, be professional, courteous and kind but don't engage in any social chit chat. It's a tricky situation to be in but HR need to know so it can be managed in the appropriate manner. I wouldn't confront her and tell her how you feel as it could make things worse, speak to HR first.

Idontlikeyoghurt · 02/09/2020 00:49

Perhaps also mention it to a couple of colleagues (without her knowing) so that they are aware and can back you up with HR as they have probably witnessed how she is. Avoid being alone with her, too. I don't mean that in an unkind way or that she is harmful or likely to hurt you but if she did say or do anything to make you uncomfortable it would be your word against hers. Try and have someone else close by at all times if possible!

ktp100 · 02/09/2020 00:54

I would discuss it with a superior in a minuted meeting so that something is logged on the system. You could also request that it be logged as an ongoing situation with HR.

She clearly doesn't understand boundaries so I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. It sounds unlikely that she would try to stir up trouble for you at work but, her disability aside, if the roles were reversed and this was a male employee making you feel uncomfortable by waiting for you in the car park etc you'd look at this for what it is. Creepy!

Maybe you could start keeping a diary of every time she is inappropriate just in case things come to a head?

ktp100 · 02/09/2020 00:59

The problem with speaking to them first is that if the conversation happens while you are alone it can be twisted. Some people can be spiteful once they've been rebuffed and making a superior aware of the situation beforehand would be better id things do come to a head.

You don't have to complain to a manager/HR, just log your concerns.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/09/2020 00:59

If this were a man, this would be considered verging on harassment so yes, you need to say something to HR.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Jonoula · 02/09/2020 01:02

Just tell her you do not want chocolates. You have only other people’s word that she i) is autistic and ii) has a crush in you.

Shaniac · 02/09/2020 01:08

Have some of you never seen single white female?!

I understand how you feel op. She sounds exactly like an old customer of mine, autistic, lesbian, overly friendly but only with me she also used to make malicious complaints against other staff and sometimes came in with her girlfriend but ignored her. She was harmless to me but i made sure to change my facebook so she couldnt find me on there. You need to take her off facebook and definitely speak to hr if she is purposely waiting for you after hours.

WeNo · 02/09/2020 01:16

@melj1213

Unwanted attention is unwanted attention and you should not just keep quiet to keep the peace.

Firstly you need to speak to HR or a manager about her behaviour - whilst it isnt threatening or abusive, it is still unwanted and is making you uncomfortable - and they can speak to her about general workplace expectations/interactions.

Also, every time she does something inappropriate you should politely but firmly shut it down. You dont have to be rude, just politely acknowledge the gesture but ask her not to do it again. If she continues then just don't engage. If she gives you chocolate for doing your job: "Please don't buy me chocolates, it makes me uncomfortable to feel obliged to accept a gift for doing my job, " and then any future time refuse with a polite "No thank you" and don't take it/return it to her if she leaves it on your desk or whatever. If she messages you outside work time over something insignificant: "You're welcome, but I prefer not to discuss work out of the office. You thanked me at the time, that was enough" then stonewall all future messages and if she asks you why you didnt reply "I dont discuss work in my personal time" etc.

The whole buying chocolates for doing your job is weird - it's almost like she is buying attention. One of my colleagues will randomly buy me a bag of sweets, bottle of pop or bunch of flowers maybe once a month but we are friends and it is usually because I've offered to cover a shift or let her leave early just a spontaneous thing to be nice because the fancy took her. If she started buying me gifts every time I did something for her then it would definitely no longer feel like a nice gesture and would make me feel uncomfortable.

I totally agree. Speak to HR first before speaking to her directly yourself, for advice on how to handle the situation.

This happened to my brother...he had a male admirer at work who didn't have many friends. My brother, being the lovely guy he is, took this admirer under his wing because he felt sorry for him, but the colleague thought his feelings were being reciprocated. So you're doing the right thing to keep her at arm's length.

The situation didn't end well... the guy was carrying a photo of my brother in his wallet -very odd! And claimed he was in love; he was devastated when my brother moved away to move in with his girlfriend and change jobs.

The one thing my brother did right was to keep his FB account private so even friends of friends couldn't see his profile existed, and he told the guy he wasn't on FB. You could change your settings, defriend her (if you're FB friends) and say you've come off social media? However it may be best to be honest and also block her. But if she thinks you're not on FB then there's no temptation to get in contact ... you never know, if you only block her she could set up another account to try to contact you.

My FB is set up so I can find people on FB but they can't find me, even if they have my email address or telephone number and as a rule I'm not friends with work colleagues on FB until I leave the company.

I hope HR are supportive and help you manage the situation well. I think in hindsight my brother wishes he'd gone through HR.

WeNo · 02/09/2020 01:20

Totally agree. You need to tread carefully.

A friend of mine rebuffed unrequited attention and instead of accepting it the person made up a complaint about them, but my friend had told his manager first so his version was believed.

Shaniac · 02/09/2020 01:25

Definitely speak to hr first. I know this from the other side. My cousin became fixated with a young lady in his local bank. Now he was harmless to her at the time just a nuisance as he went in every day just to talk to her. In the end she became so creeped out she must have spoke to her boss and was transferred to another branch. Cousin was shocked and soon after was diagnosed with schitzophrenia so believes thats what trigged him going to see her all the time. Even he saw it as inappropriate in the end i cant imagine how scared the young woman was to have asked to transfer to another branch.

earthyfire · 02/09/2020 01:36

I remove and block her from facebook and just say that I had deactivated it if she questions why. I'd also speak with HR about it.

WeNo · 02/09/2020 01:36

@WeNo

Totally agree. You need to tread carefully.

A friend of mine rebuffed unrequited attention and instead of accepting it the person made up a complaint about them, but my friend had told his manager first so his version was believed.

Sorry, this was meant to be in response to ktp100's comments. I agree you don't know how she could react and could twist things

simitra · 02/09/2020 02:01

Many years ago when I was a mature student at uni I was friendly with a younger student. We used to enjoy lively discussions in tutorials and often go for coffee on campus to continue our debates. One evening I invited her back to my flat for a meal and she immediately backed off, saying that she "Did not want to get involved". I dont know whether she got the wrong impression because I was older. I had no lesbian interest in her and it was only a meal. I felt hurt that she had rejected the invitation and the friendship. It really did put me off. Although I remained polite our association definitely cooled. I never again went for coffee with her on campus unless we were part of a group.

Perhaps she had felt the same about my attempts to be friendly as you do your co worker. She may have felt there was something sinister in them. It was obvious that I had done something to make her feel uncomfortable but I was never able to get to the bottom of it.

expat101 · 02/09/2020 02:01

If removing her from your FB page is going to cause an issue (and she will notice) there is a drop down menu box where you can put someone on the restricted list, so they don't see any new updates.

That way they think they are still on your friends lists. Saves all sorts of unpleasant and perhaps unwanted conversations. Limits your audience of who sees your posts.

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