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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to do hours of unpaid work

97 replies

needAbackBone1 · 01/09/2020 11:41

I'm pretty sure i'm not being unreasonable but maybe I am or someone can help me get out this situation.
In short, I run a very small consultancy (just me). A distant family friend runs the sort of business I help out. About 5 months ago this friends elderly mother died, not unexpectedly she had been ill for a long time. Right up to her death she helped out a lot with the business (was originally hers) and after she died family friend asked for some help getting things in order as things had slid whilst she was ill. I said off course and spent many hours with him helping him improve what was being done.
Over the last 4 months I have answered every call and helped in anyway I can but its starting to get a bit much. He is now expecting me to essentially manage the business for him, in the last week he has called asking me to deal with a crisis (expecting me to interrupt time allocated to a paying client), sent me a pile of expenses to analyse where we can cut costs and given my number to his staff and asked them to call me with any problems. I lost a lot of work due to corona so currently have the time to be dealing with these things but I can't help feeling a little put out.
Anyway the AIBU would be am I being unreasonable to tell family friend that whilst I was happy to help sort out the immediate mess after his mums death if he would like me to continue to help and manage aspects of the business he needs to pay me? I wouldn't necessarily charge my standard rate but at least a token offering would be appreciated since my income has dropped almost 50% since January.

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/09/2020 15:25

needAbackBone1 I'm glad I got to hone my skills with fending off crochet cheeky fuckers because there is an unbelievable number of face mask cheeky fuckers around and I can bat them away effortlessly before they even get started properly.

Heartlake · 01/09/2020 15:26

Rather than saying no...

Say that the last thing you'll help with is helping them find a virtual assistant and / or accountant which would be a very generous use of your time.

Then stop working for them.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/09/2020 15:29

I'd love to know what you do! I am imagining you are a lion tamer

I've been freelance/consultant for 15 years. I would say sit down and meet in person and say you need to be able to manage your workload and if he wants you to diary supporting his business that you will need to agree terms. You were happy to help out during transition but can't afford to do so on an ongoing basis. What does he propose would be a fair agreement? (so that it is more he has to say I want you to do this for nothing rather than you saying I can't do this for nothing). all very gracious and pleasant and breezy. It might help if your diary is actually booked fully next week and the week after. So he understands that you run a business.

I would write down what you want to say to him so you know you can refer to notes. And then follow up the meeting with a email that records the conversation.

ChateauMargaux · 01/09/2020 15:33

Please please please say that you have been doing your accounts and time sheets for the past three months and have attached details as well as a cost estimate so that he can factor these into his decisions on how to manage the business going forward. You could also state that in light of his recent loss you would like to waive the charges for the first month but if he wishes, he could donate these the the preferred charity of his dear mother on your behalf. Also, you could say that if his staff need to contact you while he is away, your in call charge is £x per day plus hourly rate for time spent responding to calls.

Please please please do not be another woman who does unpaid work for a man while he makes money out of the fruits of your labour.

honeygirlz · 01/09/2020 15:34

In response to my message about needing to meet to set up a formal arrangement he has let me know he will be back early next week.

I suspect he thinks a formal arrangement still means you doing the work for free, albeit with SLAs in place

VampireBill · 01/09/2020 15:45

Are we allowed to guess? Initially I thought dairy, but now thinking sheep?

SuitedandBooted · 01/09/2020 15:48

Well done OP, and stay strong and keep your professional hat on.

You were/are in danger of being co-opted into being this man's unpaid employee! Remember that he is older than you, and he and his later mother were both involved in the business for many years. I'm sure he knows the going rate for your work, but is happy to avoid it if he can, as you are kind-of friends.

Don't do his work for 50% less. Value yourself - why does sharing a bit of past history entitle him to such a bargain? He's a distant family friend, not you son.

Jux · 01/09/2020 15:52

@zingally

You absolutely need to cut this off, or start charging!

You say he's quite a lot older than you... and his mum died. Well, without sounding cruel, she was probably pretty elderly, and that's what all elderly people do. They die.
Assuming this man is well into middle-age, it's not unreasonable to expect him to pick his life back up, and crack on fairly quickly.
While it's sad when a parent dies, when you're middle-aged, you can't expect 5 months of hand-holding and personalised service - for free!
A couple of weeks, fair enough, while you deal with funerals and all that, but any more than that is taking the piss.

Perhaps he hasn't meant to take advantage of you, but he has.

Older man, taking advantage of a younger woman's in-built, socially-conditioned, inability to say "no" to older men. What a shocker!

This.

You were happy to help in the immediate aftermath of his mum's death but now that hump has been cleared.

Gosh, I would be so pissed off at him giving the staff my number and telling them I'd sort any problems. That is just beyond outrageous! And going off on holiday because you'll sort everything out, without even mentioning it to you, let alone asking if you can do it, is a clear indication that he's just taking the piss.

Dablikeacrap · 01/09/2020 15:55

I think a lot of us who run our own businesses have experienced similar. I’m been through similar and am super assertive now.

These sort of clients/contacts are the most hassle for the least reward.

It’s always the clients I’ve given a massive discount to who take the longest to pay.

It’s always the ones who ‘have a quick question’ who take up so much time and resource.

It’s not worth it!

Oblomov20 · 01/09/2020 15:58

Good grief, don't start charging him from September 1st. Please calculate how much extra you have done already. And ask for it. What's the worst that can happen? he says no?

I've been doing accounts for a new lady since lockdown. I told her every single week that I was doing extra hours.

In the end I plucked up enough courage, and Dh helped me write an email, where I told her how much it was. And it was A LOT. In the end we compromised and she paid most of it!

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 15:58

I often get people trying to take the piss by getting us to do work for free. I find it best to act like I didn't realise they weren't expecting it to be free and to give a quote as if that was what they were asking for all along . Occasionally they take us up on it but mostly we don't hear any more.

Oblomov20 · 01/09/2020 16:02

Please please please send him an email today and attach your costs to date.

Please OP.

Krampusasbabysitter · 01/09/2020 16:06

Wow, this CF has the money and leisure to go on a holiday! And isn't offering to pay you?!! More front than Blackpool. Keep it per email to have a written account of what you set out, you don't owe him some personal conversation. He didn't even bother to tell you he was going away and had the nerve to pass on your number without asking you. If you can be more assertive via a message than that is fine.

mrpumblechook · 01/09/2020 16:33

@Oblomov20

Please please please send him an email today and attach your costs to date.

Please OP.

I don't know that OP can charge retrospectively if there was no agreement. She should definitely quote for future work though.

SunshineCake · 01/09/2020 17:39

@missatrick

Dear Friend, Thanks for your email. I just wanted to give you a bit of an update on my work situation. As you know, I lost a lot of income/business, due to covid, and i was happy to help you during that quiet time for me. However just now, i really need to concentrate on my paid clients, and see if I can recoup some of those losses accrued these last few months. I hope you understand, but I'm a bit skint at the moment.

Oh goodness, don't say you are a bit skint fgs. That is silly. This email also says nothing about being paid from him.

RingoFlamingo · 01/09/2020 19:52

Are you sure he wasn't expecting you to quote/invoice when he asked for your help and has been thinking that you for some reason want to help out for free? I mean he's definitely taking the piss big time but I can imagine a scenario at the beginning where he thinks he's made enquiries about using your business, maybe expecting mates rates, and was leaving it to you to bring up the money?

Oblomov20 · 01/09/2020 20:20

"I don't know that OP can charge retrospectively if there was no agreement. "

I disagree. It's still open for negotiation.

gah2teenagers · 01/09/2020 20:52

Just wow he’s on holiday and you are doing his work for free !

IdblowJonSnow · 01/09/2020 20:58

Email. Be very polite but clear and firm.
I'd tell him how much you charge and see if he wants you to continue. If not stop immediately.
What a piss taking git.

VeganCow · 02/09/2020 08:07

Its becoming apparent he has decided to go on holiday and just told his staff I'll manage them until he is back

So he does this, yet you're worried how it will come across if you put a stop to it? He doesn't give a shit about your business, only his own, so its time to either start charging going rate or tell him you are not doing unpaid work, because for every hour you are doing his stuff for FREE, you are not able to do paid work. He is a cf

Akire · 02/09/2020 08:28

Good for you for finally getting this sorted. I think it’s important he knows what his business needs. If it’s 20 hours a week then it will cost roughly X for someone to do it. He has to decide if the business can afford this cost or somehow he does a crash course himself, or the business folds.

monkeyonthetable · 02/09/2020 08:47

@Dablikeacrap - Every thing you say is true. Matches my experience 100%.

Never work for free. The only people I ever do freebies for are very long standing or excellent clients who ask for a small job. Then I'll just do it and say no charge. But rarely.

OP shouldn't send that apolgetic 'I'm skint' email. He's expecting you to run the business? While he's on holiday?? Without paying you??? Or even telling you???? What an absolute shit he is. You need to contact him urgently and say, 'It's come to light your staff are relying on me to run the show while you are away. I had no prior knowledge of this. I'll have to charge my going rate of £££pd.' And don't give him mates rates.

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