To be upset by these comments about my 19 month old

[SadBrows]

My 2 DC (5 and 19 months) go out with their gran once a week. Yesterday they went to an amusement park and when they were dropped home, their nan's boyfriend wouldn't stop going on about how much of a pain my 19 month old is. That he eats too much, won't stop running off in that wrong direction, is hard work and that when he picked him up he bit him so hard that he "drew blood and nearly dropped him". I feel like an absolutely crap mum now and like my son is just a nuisance. He is a very active little boy but pretty easy I would say. Nursery have never had any problems etc. He is biting at the moment, which they are aware of and I am trying my best to deal with. It's now been suggested that they want to only have DS 2 times a month so that my older child doesn't "miss out". No point to this post really, just feeling a bit down and like a crap mother. :(

My fulltime babysitter quit when my son was about that age. You're a good mum, he's just getting into the "terrible twos". All normal.

Awww he sounds lovely - 19 month olds are still babies really. Don't feel down about these negative comments. Babies do bite at that age, they wriggle, they do all sorts of things that are perfectly normal! You are not a bad mum either, he sounds just how he should be at that age.

I think as parents we do tend to minimise how hard work they can be, or how noisy they can be. You see it all the time in cafes where kids are being really noisy but the parents seem impervious to it. I would imagine your children are just being exactly as children are, and perhaps it’s so long since your mum and her boyfriend were caring for young children, they cannot remember how noisy and hard work they can be. It sounds like it’s too much for them. Once a week seems a lot to have them. My benchmark is a bit off kilter as my parents never had any interest in my children though.
It very much sounds like your children are just being children of their age and don’t let anyone tell you you’re a crap mum. You sound like a switched on and loving mum. Your mum’s boyfriend is possibly from a generation where men didn’t really do much of the hands on caring for children. Maybe they shouldn’t have the children as often or maybe have them separately so they can give all their time to one child.

What did your mom say about it? Your son sounds like a normal 19month old to me but maybe 2 very young children are just too much for them to handle

@Boatonthehorizon bitter much.

My dad commented he can't believe how much DS eats, he eats well lots of fruit and veg, good variety of foods, doesn't have sweets or chocolate or crisps etc but has three good meals a day plus one or two small snacks. He's 20 months strong, lean and active. It wasn't a criticism just a comment, I think people get used to children being fussy or not finishing meals etc so when they find one not like that it draws comments.
All of the other stuff is par for the course with toddlers except the biting which you've said you recognise and are dealing with. He seems a bit clueless, but some of this is about your confidence, if someone said DS eats loads, is noisy , runs around etc I'd say yes I know I live with him, and it wouldn't make me question my parenting. Also I'd say they don't get to leave DS out, say you recognise at their age an active toddler might be too much for them every week, so it would be lovely if they saw both children fortnightly.

Was your nan there when he made these comments? If so, why didn't she tell him to wind his neck in?

They'd see both or neither. However as it doesn't seem they can manage or like they really want to see your 19mo then I'd be stopping them having them for a while.
That's where favouritism spawns.

Not being able to cope with a toddler (particularly one on the more exuberant end of the scale) does not make someone a bad person.

They are telling you in a clumsy way that they cannot cope with him.

What you do with that information is up to you.

I'm another one about the age. I look at friends and relatives with toddlers and I totally feel for them (and I have 4 kids, the youngest 5!!!) Fair dues to grandparents who mind young kids, I always said I'd definitely do that for my kids but now I don't know! I'd say ask if they want you to come or if they want to change it a bit but saying that he is going on a bit!!

How old is your mum and her boyfriend?

@Nanny0gg

How old is your mum and her boyfriend?

She's 54 and he is 48

48!

Nope, it'd be both or neither, and that's what I'd say.

So no age at all

Maybe he resents her having them

Probably excuses to try and rescind the original offer.

A 5 yr old and a lively toddler at a theme park on a bank holiday would be a trial for anyone, even their mother. I expect they thought the toddler would sit quietly in his buggy when they had to queue or walk from one attraction to another.

I think it's a good idea to split them up occasionally so they can do more grown up things with the older child. The toddler's time will come when he's 5 and the older child loses interest in Peppa Pig or whatever.

My 5 gc range from 6 to 17. Sometimes I have them all at once at my house so the cousins can get to know each other, but I do special outings by age-group and try to get some one to one time with the older ones.

Just chalk it down to experience and try not to make an issue out of it.

What does your nan say about it all?

I think a few pp have got confused - it's the OP's mum who has the DC, not her nan.

What has your mum said about it OP? I have a 21 month old and your DS sounds completely normal. I do agree with pp that taking a 19 month old and 5 yo to a theme park on a BH Monday might have been over-ambitious, but your mum's BF sounds like he has no idea how children behave.

I would have more confidence in your parenting and have a chat with your mum. Try and find out whether it is a bit much for her or whether it's just him being an arse. How long have they been together? Does he play a 'grandad' role to your DC or is he just 'nan's boyfriend'?

What did your mum say?

Because I might encourage her to have them in her own instead.
The bf seems to think that a toddler should act like the 5yo which is not possible. If he can’t be bothered (fair enough), he shouldn't stop your mum from seeing her dgc

I'd probably be telling my mum that it's both or neither AND that I'd prefer if the BF wasn't around when she had them.

What did your mum say about this?

Who requested that your youngest only went to his grans twice a month? Your mum or her boyfriend? Tbf they probably are finding it hard work. My son at that age was exhausting.

He sounds like a very normal 19 month old so I don’t think you should feel like a crap mum. Sounds like they’ve forgotten what toddlers are like.

Who’s suggested they only have your youngest twice a month? The boyfriend or your mum?

I think the real question is whether you’re happy with them only taking your eldest twice a month and not taking your youngest. Personally I’m not sure I’d be happy with that, I think I’d see it as both or neither, but I only have one child (your DS’ age) so have no experience of sibling dynamics. Toddlers are a handful and it is perfectly normal for siblings to do things separately!

Perhaps lend them the reigns to stop the toddler running off so as to make life a bit more manageable for them.

I wouldn't send my child to be around someone's boyfriend without personally supervising it.

I wouldn't let my child spend time away from me with someone who didn't seem to like them and didn't want to have them.

I would get into a situation where a grandparent was closer/spent more time with one child than the other.

In your position, I'd tell my mom that it was clearly best if she and I spent an afternoon with both children together, just ourselves. As it was clear that the boyfriend couldn't cope/didn't want to cope. That's all Id offer. And I'd make it clear that there was to be no more criticising.

wouldn't