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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my 22yr old DS to start paying board regularly?

65 replies

Bethiboo40 · 01/09/2020 07:53

Don't really know how to broach the subject with him tbh. I'm beginning to get a little pissed off with it all if I'm honest. He's 22 like I say, works full time and earns around the same as me and DH. He has a car on finance to pay for along with insurance, petrol and his phone contract - that's it. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, he's quite canny on buying clothes/shoes as doesn't have expensive tastes really. Does have a GF and they like to go out for a meal once a fortnight. He lost his last job in December last year and started a new one end of January this year and since then he's probably contributed around £300 towards household. It's not that I have really "told" him he needs to pay his way, I just don't know how to broach the subject as I say and don't really know what is a reasonable amount to ask him to pay. I think £300 a month is more than fair but don't want to seem like a greedy bitch to him. We have mortgage, council tax, gas & electric, broadband/sky, insurance, food and our own car to pay for. When I was at home I had to pay £25 a week out of my YTS pay of £62 but my greedy bitch of a mother wouldn't include lunches in that so I had to buy my own additional bits and bobs too. Think this is why I feel dreadful and starting to get pissed about it, truth be told. AIBU?

OP posts:

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/09/2020 07:58

Of course yanbu. I can't imagine anyone is going to disagree.

NoProbLlamaa · 01/09/2020 07:59

YANBU. I briefly moved home after uni at that age and paid board to my mum every month.

£300 a month might cover his food - he’s getting a bloody good deal!

itbemay1 · 01/09/2020 08:02

It's very personal, my DD works full time and earns a decent wage but we don't take any board, she buys the odd take away and will buy milk and bread etc, she often buys her brother lunch or all of us dinner, but we can afford for her not to pay, she offers all the time. My DM didn't charge me and also DH didn't have to pay so I guess it's normal in our family not to. However I've read on here some families start 'charging' as soon as DC get a job, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for what is needed to cover costs, we just don't.

lastqueenofscotland · 01/09/2020 08:04

I think it’s perfectly reasonable. It’s really splits opinion on here but everyone I know in “real life” charges their kids board or gets them to cover a bill/do the weekly big shop

DocusDiplo · 01/09/2020 08:05

"greedy bitch of a mother" wow. I think you have issues that are standing in the way of handling this well. £300 is fine if that works for you. don't be worried about broaching it, you're being fair and I'm sure you've brought him up well enough to see that too.

TeenPlusTwenties · 01/09/2020 08:24

You wouldn't be unreasonable to charge anything from:

nothing at all, if that's what you feel like
the added cost of him being at home (food, water, some electricity)
one third of all household bills
whatever you could charge for an all inclusive room if you let it out

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/09/2020 08:27

You think asking him to contribute to the household might make you seem like "a greedy bitch"? What's going on in your head then?

Livedandlearned · 01/09/2020 08:29

You don't want your son to feel that you're a greedy bitch like you do about your mum

PostedTooSoon · 01/09/2020 08:29

YANBU. He's lucky if you're planning to cover his food in that £300 a month too!

Pinkyandthebrainz · 01/09/2020 08:29

You're his mother. Just tell him.

ExplodingCarrots · 01/09/2020 08:34

It's not about you being a greedy bitch it's about you teaching him how to budget and pay his way etc Getting him used to paying some form of rent will set him up for when he eventually moves home. I got family members who still live at home in their mid 30s because they don't have to pay a thing and have everything done for them. It's too cushy. You're giving your DS life skills.

JoanJosephJim · 01/09/2020 08:34

Why don't you have a look and see what the going rate is for a room in your local area on www.spareroom.co.uk/

He would have the same set up, sort of, a room, shared bathroom and kitchen.

I think a discussion needs to be had, in future a huge chunk of his money will go on rent and bills, what is he doing with that money now? If he is spending it then he could run into financial difficulty when he moves out.

CasuallyMasculine · 01/09/2020 08:36

I can’t get past your gratuitous use of the word “bitch” tbh.

Starbuggy · 01/09/2020 08:38

Why wouldn’t you expect a grown, wage earning adult to contribute?

Tappering · 01/09/2020 08:38

£300 a month is more than fair, especially if food is included in that. It works out at under £70 per week - where else is he going to find lodging with food thrown in for that, without having to pay a share of the bills as well?

Please tell me he's doing chores and his own washing?

Boulshired · 01/09/2020 08:40

How much for me would be how much I could afford to house. If I could take the hit I would want a financial agreement on saving as I am not to keen on taking the money and saving it. Unfortunately the consequences of young adults not being able to afford to live independently adds further to the lack of social mobility with the ability to save dependant on the parents. Some able to save whilst living rent free and some paying board reducing the ability to save.

honeygirlz · 01/09/2020 08:42

He should absolutely pay. I paid £250pm at that age and often bought food too.

Sparklesocks · 01/09/2020 08:43

It’s not ‘greedy bitch’ behaviour to expect an adult working for a full time wage to contribute to the household costs. It’s standard.

81Byerley · 01/09/2020 08:46

Just ask him. I'd write down everything you have to pay in order to live, mortgage, fuel bills, water, council tax, house and contents insurance and food and cleaning, etc.. Then divide it by three. That will give you an idea of how to proceed. So if it comes to £1500 you could say "Your contribution should be £500 but we'll sub you £100", so we'd like you to make a standing order to be paid monthly, for £400. It would cost him a lot more if he moved out!

Sparklesocks · 01/09/2020 08:47

Also it will be good experience for him to start learning to budget and contribute to be ready for when he eventually moves out. I’ve known young adults who never paid any board while they were living at home and it was quite a shock to pay bills/rent/mortgage etc as they’d never had experiencing budgeting before.

jay55 · 01/09/2020 08:48

Your son is a sponger, asking him to pay his way does not make you a greedy bitch.

honeygirlz · 01/09/2020 08:50

@Sparklesocks

It’s not ‘greedy bitch’ behaviour to expect an adult working for a full time wage to contribute to the household costs. It’s standard.

I do wonder why women call themselves bitch for very reasonable things!

Also I think many parents find it easier asking their daughters for rent then they do their sons. Some misogyny at play I think. Just my own experience.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 01/09/2020 08:55

I paid when I returned home for a bit after I graduated, I insisted but my parents weren't comfortable with it, so the compromise was £25 a week but I was saving to buy a property not frittering everything away. My parents are not well off but they felt that was an advantage they could give me, living in the South east at the end of a tube line. I stayed two years saved up enough for a deposit to buy a flat and all associated costs in the same area which is no small achievement, I also paid for and ran my own car, mobile, general expenses etc. It taught me more about fiscal responsibility than paying them rent.
If you really need it I understand, but he sounds sensible, if him not paying much board means he moves out quicker and permanently it might be the better option for him to pay you a nominal amount and save well.

Biker47 · 01/09/2020 08:55

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Of course yanbu. I can't imagine anyone is going to disagree.

This is mumsnet. I've seen plenty of times people aghast that anyone would dare charge their adult children anything at all to continue to live in their home with no responsibilities, they think their children should just live there until they die without having to contribute in anyway, simply because they're their children.

Frazzled2207 · 01/09/2020 08:55

Yanbu at all. £300 a month sounds like an excellent deal. It’s for his own good he needs to learn to budget. How will he otherwise?

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