AIBU to ask my 22yr old DS to start paying board regularly?

[Bethiboo40]

Don't really know how to broach the subject with him tbh. I'm beginning to get a little pissed off with it all if I'm honest. He's 22 like I say, works full time and earns around the same as me and DH. He has a car on finance to pay for along with insurance, petrol and his phone contract - that's it. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, he's quite canny on buying clothes/shoes as doesn't have expensive tastes really. Does have a GF and they like to go out for a meal once a fortnight. He lost his last job in December last year and started a new one end of January this year and since then he's probably contributed around £300 towards household. It's not that I have really "told" him he needs to pay his way, I just don't know how to broach the subject as I say and don't really know what is a reasonable amount to ask him to pay. I think £300 a month is more than fair but don't want to seem like a greedy bitch to him. We have mortgage, council tax, gas & electric, broadband/sky, insurance, food and our own car to pay for. When I was at home I had to pay £25 a week out of my YTS pay of £62 but my greedy bitch of a mother wouldn't include lunches in that so I had to buy my own additional bits and bobs too. Think this is why I feel dreadful and starting to get pissed about it, truth be told. AIBU?

Ok with the best will in the world you need to deal with some of your issues. It's good parenting for a young adult to learn what it takes to survive in the adult world. There is of course a middle ground but it's totally ridiculous to see it as greedy.

My dm refused df to charge us rent as nice as that seemed (in my dm case it was totally and utterly about controlling us) it didn't do us any favours. We didn't see Bill's as responsibility until too late and both dsis and I got into financial trouble. I am not blaming my parents in this case because I am a grown adult who needed to step up herself but it absolutely wasn't helped by never having that financial management taught to me.

By the time I realised that the electric bill was not optional I suffered the consequences.

There is something really wrong with your logic if you can't see charging him a reasonable amount (I completely agree that it doesn't need to be market rate ) to teach him the importance of responsibility is important.

He can be as canny as he likes with clothes etc but can he see that if he hasn't paid his board that month he may need to forgo a meal out and take the consequence?

I realise my parents tried but it didn't do me any favours at all. I'm far better now but I've had to work really hard at changing my mindset and at 41 my credit rating is still not where it should be.

If her earns the same as you and your husband, all household costs should be split three ways, plus rent. He's an adult. Why should you be subsidising his life? You're doing him no favours, anyway - he'll either come to earth with an almighty bump when he moves out or he'll still be living with you for the easy ride when he's 30.

@Biker47 or they could think - as my parents did - what's the point of taking money we don't need that will hamper her saving for her own place.

I didn't pay board. We mucked in as three adults (me and parents) with cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for elderly relatives etc. and they wanted to know that I was saving hard to buy my own home. Which I was, and I bought my own house at 23 with no financial help from anyone but my mortgage provider. I budget just fine as an adult to have all the things I need and most of what I want.

If a family needs the money that's very different but I don't agree with taking money from a young working adult just to prove a point.

Oh I’m starting to charge, not for food though. I’m tired of asking her to clean up her sodding mess. I’m on maternity so she thinks because I’m home i can do it for her. So I will charge her a cleaning fee from September. So today !!

@RollaCola84. But you saved, not all working adults living at home do that.

Just pick a time of day and say, "I can't afford to have you live here for free anymore son. From your next pay I will need £300 every month."

Personally, I have never charged rent, as I would need a roof over my head anyway. Utilities, council tax portion and monthly shopping portion.

@Newfornow true and that's why I find the blanket "of course they must pay" arguments daft. It depends on the circumstances.

I was simply challenging Biker's position that there is no middle ground between charging board and a feckless young adult with no responsibilities and an inability to budget.

Some upthread said in real life they know no one who doesn't charge board. In real life I only know a handful that did either because they needed the money or knew their kids were likely to splurge all their wages otherwise.

You are not being greedy. You are definitely not in the wrong to ask for board. £100 would still be too low for what he’s received. But it is your home and up to you.
In some respects you are doing him no favours by letting him stay and not contribute to the overall costs. He’s an adult, and being an adult means taking responsibility for having a roof over your head and food in the fridge. - he needs to pay it contribute in some equitable fashion.

Work out what he actually costs to live with you.

Work out what it would cost him to live elsewhere.

That should help you reach a reasonable figure to charge him for living with you.

Even if you ultimately decide to charge him nothing, I think you should have a conversation about that and about his expectations, and his future plans. He's an adult, earning an adults wage!

The other issue with DS is that majority of his friends are all from wealthier families, who don't have to pay their way, parents brought their car outright, paid holidays etc.

IMHO this makes it even more important that your DS doesn't become an out-of-touch rich git. Letting him go straight from mum doing everything to wife doing everything is how he'd become said git.

@safariboot

The other issue with DS is that majority of his friends are all from wealthier families, who don't have to pay their way, parents brought their car outright, paid holidays etc.

IMHO this makes it even more important that your DS doesn't become an out-of-touch rich git. Letting him go straight from mum doing everything to wife doing everything is how he'd become said git.

Exactly.

OP other people's circumstances really have nothing to do with your choices.

Your son is living a hugely unrealistic life if he thinks his salary is for himself and life doesn't involve bills.

You are setting him up for relationship failure.

I think you should. So he remembers the value of money. You can say you have not asked for the last few months to help him back on his feet after his period without a job, even though it was not very long.

My 19 year old when she started working after finishing school set up a standing order from her bank to ours (the first months wages she got to keep for herself) -

At 18 I was on £18k a year and paid £400 a month to mum and dad.

Does he pull his weight with the housework and everything else too? He's an adult, he needs to contribute, not just financially.