AIBU to ask my 22yr old DS to start paying board regularly?

[Bethiboo40]

Don't really know how to broach the subject with him tbh. I'm beginning to get a little pissed off with it all if I'm honest. He's 22 like I say, works full time and earns around the same as me and DH. He has a car on finance to pay for along with insurance, petrol and his phone contract - that's it. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, he's quite canny on buying clothes/shoes as doesn't have expensive tastes really. Does have a GF and they like to go out for a meal once a fortnight. He lost his last job in December last year and started a new one end of January this year and since then he's probably contributed around £300 towards household. It's not that I have really "told" him he needs to pay his way, I just don't know how to broach the subject as I say and don't really know what is a reasonable amount to ask him to pay. I think £300 a month is more than fair but don't want to seem like a greedy bitch to him. We have mortgage, council tax, gas & electric, broadband/sky, insurance, food and our own car to pay for. When I was at home I had to pay £25 a week out of my YTS pay of £62 but my greedy bitch of a mother wouldn't include lunches in that so I had to buy my own additional bits and bobs too. Think this is why I feel dreadful and starting to get pissed about it, truth be told. AIBU?

He needs to learn this stuff now before he leaves home or he's going to get a shock OP. You need to get over this issues you have with your mother.

I think it would absolutely be fair enough to suggest he rent elsewhere or start paying board. If I were him I’d look at a house share. Moving out of my parents was key to be growing up and had a very positive effect on my life.

YANBU in my opinion the sooner they learn the realities of managing money the better.

I too paid for my "Board" as soon as I started on YTS then increased it when I got a full time job 6 months later.

My 2 elder sister's did the same. All of us are now comfortable and mortgage free and I really think the fact that we were expected to work and pay our way within the household really helped.

Same when it came to buying a car too.

When dds were at home for a year or two after graduating (working) they paid roughly half of what they have had to pay for a flat share locally, just the rent, no bills.
We didn’t need the money but to me it was just the done thing to pay your way, to some extent at least, if you’re earning.

During the summer between school and uni (aeons ago) I had a job on a supermarket checkout - pay was about £8.50 a week, of which I had to give my mother £3, which admittedly I thought was a bit much at the time. Esp. when I heard that dh in the same circs had been earning £20 on building sites and had paid nothing - and his folks were by no stretch of the imagination well off.

It's not about "seeming like a greedy bitch", it's one adult saying to another that they need to contribute to the home they live in.

An adult, working full time, should absolutely be expected to contribute financially to the cost of running a home.

OP,

So your son is canny? He certainly is!
Of course he should be paying his way.

If he has a problem with this, he really should move out.
But if he's canny I doubt he'll want to!

I think parents do a great disservice to their adult children by not taking money from them when they are in FT work.

In real life people have to pay their way.

Guys like your son can end up cocklodgers because they had free board at home and feel entitled to it elsewhere.

OP, you shouldn't feel nervous of asking your son to pay his way.

A very bad sign if you are.
Even worse if you think he would give you attitude for doing so.

ours have always done a percentage, 20% of take home pay. that way the lower earners paid less than the ones earning more. it still leaves them 80%. can you suggest something similar?

Of course your grown up child should be contributing to the household bills etc. I used to charge my daughter 25% of her wages. She moved out last year (aged 21) and paying rent,bills,food etc didn’t come as a shock to her and she budgets marvellously.

We charge our working son £300 a month.

We consider it a token board, and I'm pretty sure he realises its a bloody bargain.

Is he saving to buy his own place?

My mother was a martinet taking every opportunity to remind us that , "she wasn't put on earth to wait on us". Her rigidity and sharp tongue marred my up bringing and I vowed never to treat my children like that. As a concequence I don't ask for , or expect, money from my three. We both have good , secure jobs plus we don't have a mortgage or any debt and as they are all at University I don't see the need to.

Thanks for responses so far. The "greedy bitch" is in reference to my own mother and a couple of conversations had with DS over the last couple of years in regards to paying board. I no longer speak to my Mother, which does along with lots of other issues relate to money (a whole other story) The other issue with DS is that majority of his friends are all from wealthier families, who don't have to pay their way, parents brought their car outright, paid holidays etc. I'm not making out that he's being selfish by any means but I feel like it's me being the selfish one by asking in the first place.

If your ds calls you, or even thinks you, a "greedy bitch" for wanting him to contribute to his own upkeep, then he needs to move out and get his own place. And you need not to think of it in those terms. Your job is to help him complete the transition to independent adult, not infantilise him.

Yanbu

If you need the money to run the household then 100% you should ask your son to contribute as you shouldnt be out of pocket because he is living at home without contributing. Even if you dont need the money you should still charge him something as he is a working adult and should get used to contributing just like he would have to when he moves out and has to pay all his own rent/bills in a house share.

How much you ask him for depends on your circumstances. If you need the money then at the very least you should work out how much his share of the bills come to and then round it up. If you don't need the money and want to charge him to prepare him for managing his budget when he does move out then perhaps you can do it more as a percentage of his take home pay.

@CasuallyMasculine

I can’t get past your gratuitous use of the word “bitch” tbh.

Same. Whole tone of this post is weird.

Just tell him one day it's about time he started contributing to the household expenses. He should pay his share of the bills, possibly excluding mortgage but including groceries. However you want to divide that up - in thirds, proportional to income, whatever.

Frankly, it’s time to have a discussion of his life plans. How long does he intend to live at home? If he wants to save for a deposit to buy/rent, you need to discuss with him prices and expenses (just as you listed out)) so he can get an idea what it’s like to be a self sufficient adult. Discuss budgeting so he can save for deposit (either to buy or rent) as well as to build up a savings pit for any unexpected things that could happen when he’s living independently. Usually aim for three months of expenses in savings. It’s part of parenting to discuss this with your kids so they’re prepared for life.

At that time, you can decide to include asking for board. A number of people I know actually saved that board and gave to their children towards their deposit (either to rent it buy). If you need the money, then by all means ask for contribution to their living expenses while they’re living at home now they’re in full time employment.

I suggest you look at your costs.
You then look at what his cost would be if he went to a local house share. Talk to him about this.
You also look at how you run the house - cleaning, cooking, washing.
You discuss how your son moves towards becoming a fully functioning adult e.g in charge of all recycling and bins, responsible for laundry into personal piles, cooking twice a week, ensuring a shopping list is produced

At least give him an idea of how life is as an adult.

Don’t charge mine
They both gave house buying isas and one had just saved enough to get their own house at 25 and hopefully The younger will too

They saved at least £1000 a month for the 3 years with us. We had the shared goal of getting them into their own house

It's absolutely not greedy. It's important for him to have some idea of the cost of living, as it could be a shock to the system when he does move out and his disposable income is massively reduced.

£300 all in is still a bargain and he doesn't have the mental load of being responsible for bills, food shopping, home maintenance etc.

My two both early 20s and public sector workers on decent salaries pay keep of £220 each per month. I've worked that out based on outgoings, plus I want them to be able to save because we live in a very high cost area. Even rent on a small flat is over a grand a month, and house prices are crazy.

To be honest, having them at home and contributing has been a godsend during lockdown as I am self-employed and my business has been completely decimated by the restrictions. I haven't had a paid job since May 7th and am surviving on the government grant plus what the kids pay me.

I do the third
Third digs
Third saved
Third spend

Works for my lot

When my son is older and working and we don't need the money then we will give him a choice of charging him money or he saves what we would charge him.

The savings would therefore be used for him to move out when it came time

In my experience (and between DH and I we have a surprising number of nieces/nephews/cousins in this age group), young adults in their early 20s, especially men (I hate this fact, but it's true) are remarkably clueless and selfish, even if they are, at heart, good people.

Which means you have to spell things out for them. They seem to just about be able to handle responsibility and thinking in the context of job etc, but it's way too easy to stay in the parent-child mode of childhood. At some point, this absolutely has to change and las parents, I think it's partly our job to facilitate this.

So, of course he has to start paying. Because he's taking the piss. He may not realise it, but he is. He's an adult, with a good job, and he's happily freeloading on you. So you need to sit him down and tell him your expectations. Decide whether or not you are willing to let him continue living with you. if you are, decide on what he should be paying for and what he needs to contribute in other ways (eg cooking/cleaning etc). Then discuss with him. Perhaps there's some negotiation. I think some notice is perfectly reasonable - "DS, you're 22 now, and an adult, and it's time for you to pay your own way. From January, you need to start paying rent whether that's here with us or in your own accommodation..."

The wealthy friends is a red herring. My parents weren't wealthy, but they absolutely could have afforded to let me and my siblings stay at home indefinitely. But they had always made it very clear that this was not an option and they expected us to be independent and competent adults. At various times, we all landed up back with them for short periods but the deal was clear - it's a short term gig AND we contribute financially in a meaningful way.

I use to pay £25 a week 5 years ago, any food treats and clothing I had to buy myself, this allowed me to save to buy a house of my own and still be able to enjoy the perks of living with parents!