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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL and her bitchy comments

90 replies

Evelyn92 · 31/08/2020 10:59

Hi everyone. I have 2 DC ages 6 years and 20 months old. Their father has moved abroad and has no contact with them (his choice), but his mother does. I will start by saying, she is a fab nan and the kids adore her. She takes them out one day a week which I really appreciate as it gives me a much needed break. My relationship with her has been rocky over the years due to the stress of the situation, but overall we get on well. My problem is that she makes bitchy comments which to me insinuate that I am not a good enough mother, she sends me a detailed list every week of things I need to pack for them, which is fine, but after 6 years I think I know what they need! She told me that my daughter needed "proper fitting school shoes, not ones from just anywhere" after I told her that I purchased her school shoes from Sainsbury's (all I could afford and they seem good quality to me). She nit picks at other aspects of my parenting and has a very annoying habit of acting like she knows my kids better than me, telling me what they like and need, etc. I care for them alone 24/7, with no financial support from their father and I am trying my best so I do get down about this. I often wonder if she does it to make herself feel better as I know she is deeply ashamed of her son's behaviour. Should I say something, or should I just let it go over my head?

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 31/08/2020 11:02

Why isn't their father contributing financially?

How do you respond to her bitchy comments? For example, if you said to her about the shoes, "well I cannot afford Clarks, as you know, Wankbadger pays me no maintenance" how would she react?

Lifeisabeach09 · 31/08/2020 11:05

Say something but as PP said, respond to her comments.

Such as with the shoes, "If I could afford 'proper fitting shoes' then I'd buy them..."

Don't put up with these comments.

Sally872 · 31/08/2020 11:07

That is outrageous. Especially for anything financial! Re shoes I would have said "better that the ones your son provides"

However if she is a good Nan, generally you get on well and you appreciate the break then might be better just to try and see it as a personality flaw in her rather than a criticism of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2020 11:07

She’s not a great gran if she’s undermining and criticising their mum/only remaining involved parent. She’s not, sorry.

Is there anyone else who could give you a break sometimes? I don’t think relying on this woman is wise at all. She’s trying to erode their trust in you and that will only get worse as they’re old enough to understand what she’s up to.

katy1213 · 31/08/2020 11:10

Exactly. My first thought too was, "I'll buy Clarks when your goodfornothing son faces up to his responsibilities.'

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/08/2020 11:12

Well she clearly bought her son up well if he's buggered off and takes no responsibility for his own children.
Hold that thought as a mantra when she is being particularly irritating,
As PP has said, I would call her out on unwarranted comments like the shoes, but general low level stuff, rise above it - her having them one day a week sounds as if it is giving you a break and your children enjoy their time with her.

bonjonbovi · 31/08/2020 11:12

“Dear XMIL - if I could afford proper shoes I would. Unfortunately the spawn of your parenting skills decided to abandon his children and doesn't pay a penny towards them.

I am trying my best here, but as you can attest we are all susceptible to mistakes.”

mrsBtheparker · 31/08/2020 11:12

Such as with the shoes, "If I could afford 'proper fitting shoes' then I'd buy them..."

Give her directions to the Clarks shop.

Mellonsprite · 31/08/2020 11:15

It’s very cheeky criticising you when her son pays nothing towards the kids. The answer to this each and every time needs to be ‘yes I agree, will you please ensure that their dad makes a fair contribution to their upbringing costs then’.

ambereeree · 31/08/2020 11:17

Ask her to buy shoes as her son won't contribute. I think you need to be that blunt.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2020 11:18

A few sharp words should do the trick. "You know I'm struggling financially. If your son paid child maintenance I'd be able to afford better things for my children" and "If you continue to make bitchy comments then I'll have to reconsider you seeing the children. I can't risk you saying nasty things about me to them."

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 31/08/2020 11:21

She’s not a “fab nan” if she’s talking to their mother this way. How do you know she’s not these type of things to them? They’re old enough now to be influenced by these type of comments. I get that you need a break from them once a week but maybe now once school starts stop limiting unsupervised contact until she can learn to control what she says before your kids start picking up on what she’s saying.

tiredanddangerous · 31/08/2020 11:23

Does she know that her son doesn't give any money for his children?

Hopingtobeamum · 31/08/2020 11:26

@lockdownalli "wankbadger" 😂😂😂 love that,'I'm totally stealing it.

@Evelyn92 you're doing your best. It's very easy to criticise from the sidelines.

GinDrinker00 · 31/08/2020 11:27

Just reply with “well I would buy Clark’s, but your good for nothing son has stopped me from that by not contributing to his children’s upbringing. If that’s much of a issue Karen, then you can always ring him and tell him this.”

AnxMummy10 · 31/08/2020 11:28

She isnt anywhere near fab if she is doing this. In fact, she should be doing the opposite for having a disgrace as a son. I think you need to be very clear to hear.

Tell her that if her son stepped up to his responsibilities, you would be doing more for your kids. As you are left to deal with it all by yourself, she needs to respect that and her comments are not wanted.

Dont be grateful for the 1 day a week that she takes the kids, to the extent of accept her nasty comments.
You are already doing 100% of it all so you do not need to be put down.

AnxMummy10 · 31/08/2020 11:29

*her

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 31/08/2020 11:30

Why doesn't their dad pay maintenance?

As other have said - i'd have responded with "well if their dad paid any maintenance I could afford proper fitted shoes".

Oldraver · 31/08/2020 11:31

I think you need to say something everytime she is bitchy

And maybe it's time to take her aside and tell her the comments are unwarranted and it has to stop

VettiyaIruken · 31/08/2020 11:31

Don't wait until she's dripping poison into your children's ears to act.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2020 11:32

If I was unlucky enough to have a son who buggered off abroad, abandoning his child, then I'd make sure I helped the child's mother in every way she'd allow, and that would include buying school uniforms etc.

StaffAssociationRepresentative · 31/08/2020 11:33

As her to get the money for the shoes from their dad if she is so concerned.

Crystal87 · 31/08/2020 11:33

This must be confusing for the kids that they see their father's mother, but not their father. They must wonder why. It's too late now as they have a relationship with her, but if it were me in this situation I don't think I would have had her involved from the start. However, I agree with above poster that told her to contribute because their dad doesn't.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 31/08/2020 11:33

Wonder what story she will tell to the dc if /when they ask where df is...

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2020 11:36

@GinDrinker00

Just reply with “well I would buy Clark’s, but your good for nothing son has stopped me from that by not contributing to his children’s upbringing. If that’s much of a issue Karen, then you can always ring him and tell him this.”
Ok. Enough with the 'Karen'. It diminishes your point