Ex MIL and her bitchy comments

[Evelyn92]

Hi everyone. I have 2 DC ages 6 years and 20 months old. Their father has moved abroad and has no contact with them (his choice), but his mother does. I will start by saying, she is a fab nan and the kids adore her. She takes them out one day a week which I really appreciate as it gives me a much needed break. My relationship with her has been rocky over the years due to the stress of the situation, but overall we get on well. My problem is that she makes bitchy comments which to me insinuate that I am not a good enough mother, she sends me a detailed list every week of things I need to pack for them, which is fine, but after 6 years I think I know what they need! She told me that my daughter needed "proper fitting school shoes, not ones from just anywhere" after I told her that I purchased her school shoes from Sainsbury's (all I could afford and they seem good quality to me). She nit picks at other aspects of my parenting and has a very annoying habit of acting like she knows my kids better than me, telling me what they like and need, etc. I care for them alone 24/7, with no financial support from their father and I am trying my best so I do get down about this. I often wonder if she does it to make herself feel better as I know she is deeply ashamed of her son's behaviour. Should I say something, or should I just let it go over my head?

@Evelyn92 I’m sorry but constantly nitpicking she’s not a great nan!, a great man supports you as well as your children or at least keeps her shitty nitpicking to herself!
Unless she wants to pick up her sons financial slack by actually buying the shoes etc out of her own pocket tell her to mind her bloody business!

Great point well made Janet ...a woman who has raised a feckless son is no position to criticize your parenting OP!

Tell MIL she’s very welcome to take he kids to Clarks

She's sapping your power.
Do not put up with these comments.

Definitely not over ill fitting shoes!!
It will erode you and wear you down. It feels much better to say things back sometimes at least.

But with this, you need to put it back in its box NOW.

I think you are doing an amazing job all on your own, and you dont need comments / death by a thousand cuts to make you feel diminished or like youre not doing the best job you can. You are affording her an immense privilege by allowing her access to your precious children and the opoortunity to be involved in their lives. i would have to set her straight on her comments and put her back in her judgmental little box. Is she in contact with her feckless son? If so she can pass on the summons for maintenance.

Sorry, part 2

Tell your ex MIL that you can’t afford Clarke’s shoes because her son pays nothing so if she believes in children don't have enough she should buy it herself.

An ex MIL an the ex are unlikely to have a great relationship. MIL is looking for faults in you because she knows her son is a deadbeat dad. I find some old school attitudes means no one admits to any flaws in their family. The fact she can’t face unpleasant truths about he precious son is her issue.

Grow a skin and make more friends so you can support each other and laugh at this cattiness.

florid

Great word, havant seen it in ages

I like the note pp did about being given lists etc.

She's not on your side op. She's still defending her son and her blood and her corner.

I agree its the carrot to be drawing you in.

Quite wicked really.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Do you think you could have a frank conversation with her? How would she respond to that? For example, next time she makes one of these comments could you say “MIL, I really can’t bite my tongue any longer. I don’t know if you realise but almost every time I interact with you, you give me some instruction relating to the care of my own children or make a criticism of the things I provide for them. I know what my children need and I don’t need reminders. I care for them alone 24/7 and I’m a damned good mother. When you give me lists of things to pack for them, it sounds very much like you are insinuating that I wouldn’t know what to do without your interjection. This is not the case. I also could do without the commentary on the items I buy for them. I buy the best quality I can afford, bearing in mind that your son does not contribute financially at all to his own children. It’s wrong to put pressure on me when you know it should actually be directed at him. I don’t want to fall out because the children love you and I do appreciate you spending time with them, but I won’t put up with these remarks any longer.”

It’s a tough one because she does give you a little break from the kids. You shouldn’t have to put up with her BS just because she does a tiny bit to help you, but the reality (depending on whether you think she’s open to criticism) might be that you have to choose between putting up with the comments or sacrificing the help.

This is what you should be saying to your exMIL. Sit her down and be frank about your feelings and the fact their father has completely abandoned them, but in a calm and factual way and hopefully she will take on board your feelings and modify her comments in future.

..... Death by a thousand cuts... Another great line!

^ yes perfect.

I won't put up with it any longer.

Throw grenade in, shake her up... She may not even realise she's doing it.

I wouldn’t be able to resist criticising her parenting as she’d raised such a feckless, useless prick of a son...

Bon jon bovi..

'' the spawn of your parenting skills '' 😂 and.. '' I think you can attest that we all make mistakes '' 😂 😂

I often wonder if she does it to make herself feel better as I know she is deeply ashamed of her son's behaviour

I think you've probably got a point, here. It's not fair on you at all. But I often find that people who make these sorts of comments are not happy people and they need to deflect themselves from this.
Happy people don't need to undermine others.

In your shoes, I would do a bit of a grey rock. Try not to take it personally, you know you are doing a great job.

Keep politely batting the comments aside, without engaging in them emotionally and don't take any notice of her advice.

I completely agree that she has obviously parented a feckless son, hence the current circumstances. However, maybe she does realise this only too well and is therefore now over-compensating by being too full-on with her GD. She needs to back off with the criticisms (which she probably sees as just trying to help), but she's obviously stuck around herself and made sure that she's a regular part of her GD's life, even if her son doesn't want to know.

I'm not convinced it's completely fair to hold her personally accountable for the appalling behaviour of her son, as an adult. She may well have been deficient in her parenting, but it might be that she couldn't have ultimately done anything to prevent him from making disgraceful adult decisions, in spite of her very best efforts.

We see enough threads on here about siblings where some of them are thoroughly decent people and others act despicably - all from the same parents.

Honestly you need to repeat her lines back to her exactly as she said them

They need better fitting shoes
They need better fitting shoes?

She now has to justify that statement, not you - she has now said it and heard it back she needs to answer the question.

Works wonders in rude people.

she's already started poisoning your dc's minds.......and as they grow up they will automatically 'understand' that Nan doesn't like mum cos "mum doesn't look after you properly"........and no doubt their fathers absence will also be attributed to you.

For now she uses days out with a long list of demands for 'provisions'.....undermining you as the parent.
As they grow older she will further undermine you - and will continue chatting shit about you in front of them.
It doesn't have to be as blunt as "your mum doesn't care about you"......it's more likely to be along the lines of "Oh....those shoes are awful - lets go shopping and i'll buy you some that FIT" etc

I'd be laying down boundaries with her - starting with the list of provisions for a day out, cut that right down.
Also the constant digs and put down and passive aggressive undermining.
If she can't respect you as the mother then she can fuck off.

Your kids don't actually need her in their life - and they definitely don't need to be manipulated by her.

Does she send videos/pics of them to their father?
Does she let them facetime their father in secret?
Cos if she isn't now, she will at some point cos her loyalty lies with the useless lump she gave birth to....and as she no doubt holds YOU responsible for the breakup, she won't see anything wrong with this.

I know you think you need a break, OP, but I'd start to create some distance. Maybe arrange for something on their usual day with MIL, and find reasons why you can't offer an alternative day that week. Do this more and more and break the "set in stone" weekly cycle.

Sooner or later, your DC will have parties, etc at weekends, and may want to be with their friends instead of MIL.

Then there's the fact that once they are at school, you will want some quality time at the weekend, etc.

I'd be wondering what MIL is saying to them behind your back. I'd be very careful and make sure that your children know that they don't keep secrets from you, no matter who is telling them to keep quiet.

I don't even think you need to 'confront' her about the lack of financial support from her son. It could be done in such an offhand way that it would take her by surprise and make her think.

So if you're talking to her on the phone and she's saying something similar to the shoes thing, you could say in a resigned tone "yes, I absolutely agree, it's a shame [her son's name] doesn't provide any maintenance, DC would be so much better off if he did".

She couldn't really argue with you there, and it wouldn't be the kind of thing she could reasonably take offense to.

Hi OP - nothing much to say that PPs haven't done already but to reiterate:
STAND YOUR GROUND NOW. Before they get any older and before you get any more demoralised.

With my (actually pretty decent) MIL, the one time she massively crossed the line, I told her: "your relationship with my children is not your right, it's my gift to you. If you ever speak to me in front of them like that again you will not have a relationship with these children."

She stormed out and when she was home she called DH to bitch about me, but he backed me up 100% and she apologised. It's never happened again.

You can be more thoughtful because you won't be in the WILD rage that I was in :) and tell her what you appreciate about her too, to cushion the blow! But say something to set up a healthy boundary, and say it soon.

It may need saying more than once if she doesn't get it and/or if it's become a habit to her. You'll have to think about how often you're prepared to repeat yourself... But in the long term your mental health and the dynamic between you and your kids is more important than anything else, including her feelings.

I'd give her one chance now and I'd make it clear that was what I was doing. Call her when you're feeling calm and challenge what was said. Tell her first that you appreciate her support with the children but something she said has upset you and you think you need to discuss it. Tell her that you are absolultely doing your best by your children and it isn't right that in front of the children, she keeps undermining you - the shoes example is a very good one to give her here. Remind her that her son is making no financial contribution to the upbringing of her children and that is unfair and her comments are contributing to the unreasonableness of the situation and making you feel badly of her and worried for her relationship with the children. Tell her you're sure she didn't mean to upset you but things need to change because you won't have your children be told either explicity or implicity that their mum is no good. Reiterate that in your opinion, you are doing a great job and that's particularly the case in comparison to their absent father. Tell her if she undermines you again in future you will need to seriously reconsider her taking the children out alone and that any future contact with the children would need to be supervised.

I would then end the coversation by asking her to have a think about it and you'll see her on Thursday (or evenever it is). I would expect there then to potentially be fall out - she may not take kindly but more likely she will be embarressed and lash out a bit and make it all your fault. And then hopefully things will change.

Or, she may well come out fighting so be prepared to hear whatever it is that your ex has told her about you and your relationship. You'll probably need to put her right.

Overall, if she can't reign it in, you do need to reconsider the situation. If she is happy to do this to your face, you need to be concerned about what is said behind your back.

Wooly, great speech! I wish I'd had the guts to say things like that...

What did your Mil say! (nosey).

Monkey is correct re sly digs.
My Mil said things like this All the time. '' can you bring her coat, the blue one, you know, the 'warm' one I brought her.''

Comments like that ALL the time!!
On everything, food... '' when you come to me, you'll get decent food etc ''..

Once dd read a word, just making convo I mentioned this and she said '' well of course, I read with her and this is why ''
Death by a thousand cuts indeed.

OP she's not a great nan at all, she's dangerous. She's undermining you as their mother and only decent parent because it shows how lacking her own parenting has been. As others have said quite rightly, she should tell her son to support his kids instead of bad-mouthing you to them. Believe me, this is where it starts and she could drive a wedge between you and the children, even forcing them to choose. Sounds harsh and far fetched? It really isn't, take it from one who's been there and had to undo the substantial amount of damage done to children in exactly this way. She needs warning off now. And yes, I understand the much needed break as a lone parent who receives no support from the kids dad. You do your best & she needs to be called out both on her own and on her son's behaviour.

I'd simply tell her she was aiming her comments at the wrong parent.

Absolute cheek of her. She should be mortified about the product of her own child rearing rather than nitpicking at hers.

Don't let her get away with it. Call her out e everytime.

*at yours

Her loyalty lies with the useless lump she gave birth to
I agree, she will constantly undermine you, she has no loyalty to you whatsoever, she is 'working' for her son