Ex MIL and her bitchy comments

[Evelyn92]

Hi everyone. I have 2 DC ages 6 years and 20 months old. Their father has moved abroad and has no contact with them (his choice), but his mother does. I will start by saying, she is a fab nan and the kids adore her. She takes them out one day a week which I really appreciate as it gives me a much needed break. My relationship with her has been rocky over the years due to the stress of the situation, but overall we get on well. My problem is that she makes bitchy comments which to me insinuate that I am not a good enough mother, she sends me a detailed list every week of things I need to pack for them, which is fine, but after 6 years I think I know what they need! She told me that my daughter needed "proper fitting school shoes, not ones from just anywhere" after I told her that I purchased her school shoes from Sainsbury's (all I could afford and they seem good quality to me). She nit picks at other aspects of my parenting and has a very annoying habit of acting like she knows my kids better than me, telling me what they like and need, etc. I care for them alone 24/7, with no financial support from their father and I am trying my best so I do get down about this. I often wonder if she does it to make herself feel better as I know she is deeply ashamed of her son's behaviour. Should I say something, or should I just let it go over my head?

As great with the kids as she may be, I don’t think you can reasonably say she’s a fab nan if she’s continuing to make comments like this. She knows her son has left you high and dry yet still sticks the knife in? Yeah that’s not being a great nan whichever way you cut it. I’d have to reply to her as lots of others have suggested- tell her you could afford them if he helped or give her directions to Clarks. She doesn’t get a free pass on talking to you like a piece of crap just because she has the kids and you need a break sometimes.

She's doing a number on you.... the 'reason' she's such a good nan is because that makes it very hard for you to distance yourself from her, being a good nan is the carrot that draws in the donkey so that she can beat you with the stick

Her son of shame has scarperred & pays heehaw Maintenance. She’s in no position to instruct, or demand
Address her lists with succinct to the point factual answers,don’t get all florid in response
Shoes: proper shoes cost £x, your son makes no financial contribution I’ll buy shoes I can afford

wankbadger is hilarious!

@Heffalooomia

She's doing a number on you.... the 'reason' she's such a good nan is because that makes it very hard for you to distance yourself from her, being a good nan is the carrot that draws in the donkey so that she can beat you with the stick

This.

She sounds like a right dose OP.

In what way is she a fab Nan?

You say that your relationship with her has been rocky over the years-so why do you bother with her?

Sounds as if all the effort comes from you & she just puts you down-why put up with that?

Do you think you could have a frank conversation with her? How would she respond to that? For example, next time she makes one of these comments could you say “MIL, I really can’t bite my tongue any longer. I don’t know if you realise but almost every time I interact with you, you give me some instruction relating to the care of my own children or make a criticism of the things I provide for them. I know what my children need and I don’t need reminders. I care for them alone 24/7 and I’m a damned good mother. When you give me lists of things to pack for them, it sounds very much like you are insinuating that I wouldn’t know what to do without your interjection. This is not the case. I also could do without the commentary on the items I buy for them. I buy the best quality I can afford, bearing in mind that your son does not contribute financially at all to his own children. It’s wrong to put pressure on me when you know it should actually be directed at him. I don’t want to fall out because the children love you and I do appreciate you spending time with them, but I won’t put up with these remarks any longer.”

It’s a tough one because she does give you a little break from the kids. You shouldn’t have to put up with her BS just because she does a tiny bit to help you, but the reality (depending on whether you think she’s open to criticism) might be that you have to choose between putting up with the comments or sacrificing the help.

I think the shoe thing is a bit of a generational assumption. When I was a kid supermarkets didn’t really do clothes and so most people went to Clarks. But now supermarkets do much more affordable shoes (Clark’s seem so expensive!) and I think those that use to buy Clark’s think the quality/fit must be bad as they are just from the supermarket, which isn’t the case.

It sounds like she is treating you like she wants to treat her son.

She probably has a lot of shit she wants to say to him, but their relationship is too fragile, so she takes it out on you instead.

Next time she says anything I would ask her if she thinks she is talking to her son, you know your kids, you know what they need and you are more than capable of choosing and buying the appropriate things they need.

She is belittling you, but she should be thanking you, she wouldn't get to see the kids if it wasn't for you facilitating that. This is not her doing you a favour by giving you a break, this is you doing her a favour.

I ask her: 'are you aware that your son pays no money for his kids?'

then wait - she will have to say yes or no.

If yes, then say: so, perhaps you would like to contribute to 'better' shoes then?
If no, then say: so, you can see why these perfectly fine but Sainsbury's shoes are the ones that I can afford.

sb: I would ask her... sorry

overall we get on well
She has controlled the dynamic such that you are subordinate and she is your superior, you only get on because you do not challenge her because you defer to her

she speaks to you as if you are a servant who is caring for a child that belongs to her, I suspect that this is how she views you...because the father has abandoned the child she views this child has now belonging to her, you are a mere vessel and a servant who cares for her child

I never had clarks as a kid,too expensive. Shoes from the market or cheapo shops

As an aside clarks outlet has good bargains

Just reply with Sainsburys shoes get great reviews.
Or I'm providing what I can with the money I have.
I'd also stop being so dependent on that day off. Shake it up offer her a different day seize back some control.

Tell her she's welcome to buy shoes from Clarks, since her loser of a son refuses to stump up for his own kids.

They're a rip off, anyhow. They don't last 2 minutes and my boys have had some of their worst fitting, least supportive shoes from there.

Clarks measure kids feet width differently every time we go. As in by up to 3 widths. Their fitters are not all as competent as portrayed. I check the fit myself and can easily feel when they are too short/long or wide and see when they are not walking right in them. As long as you have checked that why does it make you a bad mum. I'm sure you wouldn't leave your daughter in ill fitting shoes x. And yes say, I would love to shop at Clarks and will do if I get some maintenance as I can't afford it.

I’d question whether it was good her being in your kids lives. Constant criticism about you will influence the children eventually.

You don’t have to take this crap whatever. Challenge her very pointedly every single time, might sort it. She just might be the type who bitches as a routine, her family are obviously really dysfunctional with the Dad being away.

A few sharp words should do the trick. "You know I'm struggling financially. If your son paid child maintenance I'd be able to afford better things for my children"

Don't say 'my children' - that fact is evident to anybody. Say 'HIS children'.

She doesn't sound evil, just maybe unthinking. As far as the money issue goes, I'd speak to her calmly about it each time the subject comes up and just make it clear to her that it's a constant struggle when only one parent is willing to take the responsibility for supporting their joint children, and so compromises always have to be made wherever safe and practical. It's a shame you can't afford to give the children the best of everything, but you just have to do whatever you can for them, because their other parent refuses to do anything for them whatsoever.

She might not realise that he doesn't pay and possibly could 'have a word' with him about that - or she might know already but be one of those people (like a lot of the feckless dads themselves) who somehow genuinely hasn't realised that it isn't just giving the ex-gf a bonus handout for her to buy herself lovely treats, but is actually necessary to provide for the basics that their joint children need.

Sainsbury shoes are proper shoes mind, don’t buy into that overpriced Clarks shit. Children all over the world have worn supermarket shoes and their feet haven’t turned out all mangled. Ok some wear better than others but at the rate children’s feet grow they aren’t in them for long enough.

Anyhoo, as you were....

In the ways that really matter she is there for you and has a wonderful relation ship with your DC . That is so important (and rare and lucky!) I'd just grit your teeth and let the other stuff go.

I'd pull her up on that. Being a fab nan does not include having a pop at you. When she tells you something about your child remind her that you have them 24 hours a day solo.

My ex's parents have been far more involved with my girls than he has and they never once had a go at me like that. In fact the one year I bought cheap school shoes they were upset with themselves that I didn't feel comfortable asking them for help and asked how they could fix that.

Being a great nan involves being supportive to you!

@2bazookas

In the ways that really matter she is there for you and has a wonderful relation ship with your DC . That is so important (and rare and lucky!) I'd just grit your teeth and let the other stuff go.

How is she there for Op?

Oh I would be livid!! Shut this fucking down

"Frankly mil I refuse to take parenting advice from someone who raised a man that fucked off leaving his kids and giving no financial support. You are not in a position to offer advice considering the job you did with your own. I do my best, I give my kids what I can and frankly you have an absolute nerve commenting on my kids needing better shoes given I support my kids alone because of your son so from now on there will be no lists, no advice, no judgement and anything other than appreciation that I am doing a good job raising my kids despite the fact the person you raised failed us will not be tolerated if you want to continue to see my children."

Add to that I would ask her if she spoke to her son about his kids shit shoes

I suppose a mild response would be ‘oh you should tell ex that the kids shoes aren’t up to scratch.’ ‘You should tell ex what they might need for lunch if he ever bothers to see them again.’