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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother to pay half towards a takeaway?

100 replies

LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 22:36

Several times she has come over to stay the night with me ( I am a single parent) I have suggested takeaway last night so I didnt have to cook but she never contributes.One of my friends also joined us and contributed and left a bottle of prosecco here. She said to me last night she would never ask for paying halves with friends?!

I said to her this morning I will take the bottle back to her and my mum said no you dont do that!

I would always offer to pay towards a takeaway and pay halves for anything brought.

OP posts:
ThatDamnScientist · 31/08/2020 00:03

You invited her to your home and offered to feed her - you chose a takeaway not her so you should pay. (If you had cooked sausage and mash would you have charged her half?) I would go with this whoever it was, she maybe can't afford a takeaway and you are throwing it on her without warning. I think YABU.

Porcupineinwaiting · 31/08/2020 00:10

In your house you provide food - you decide what you feed guests, and you pay. If you go round to hers she pays - and if she asks you to, tell her no because she never pays at yours.

seayork2020 · 31/08/2020 00:17

If I offer food/takeaway it is because I am willing to pay, otherwise I would not offer. whether I am the child or the parent (well if my son was older)

If I don't want to pay I don't get takeaway

Didkdt · 31/08/2020 00:18

Is she coming to you for a visit or to help out?
If she's easing your burden then I think you should pay.
If she is visiting because she's bored then if it's a regular thing she should chip in a bit.

MadameBlobby · 31/08/2020 00:24

My parents would pay for the whole thing. They are awful at letting us treat them! I don’t think I’ve ever put my hand in my pocket ever when my parents are around! They’re not wealthy but generous with what they have.

AlwaysLatte · 31/08/2020 00:27

If I invite people to my house I never expect them to pay, whether I cook, eat out or get a take away. But maybe you should go to hers for dinner more often 😉

DeeTractor · 31/08/2020 00:36

Don't suggest a takeaway at all then. If she mentions it, tell her you can't afford it.

lborgia · 31/08/2020 00:38

I am feeling all sorts of unsaid issues here.

Does she come over to keep you company? Does she pitch in and help with the kids? Does she invite herself over?

I think that the fact she said she would transfer half when your friend was there means she knows damn well she didn’t want to look as if she was expecting you to pay.

Does she ever cook when she’s at yours?

I’m not sure what bugs me about this, but it feels as if she’s floating in and expecting it all to be a bit like being a guest, rather than a parent.

If you were too worn out to cook, would she help/take over for you?

So many questions... but bottom line, she doesn’t seem to be a life-affirming, supportive person to have over at the moment.

pcmcgregor · 31/08/2020 00:43

I think YANBU. I've never eaten a takeaway at someone else's house and not paid my share. If someone was at my house and we ordered a takeaway I'd think it very rude if they didn't pay for what they'd ordered but they always do. It's just assumed that they will. But I am clearly in the minority here. I find it hard to believe the number of people claiming they would just pay. No limit, just whatever they pick off the menu? Must have more money than I do. I completely understand that a single mum would struggle to afford it and I'd never expect someone to pay for my food meaning it's likely their child would then have to go without something.

Pixxie7 · 31/08/2020 01:37

Irving alone I don’t often get a takeaway and sometimes go to my daughters for one we take it in turns to pay, at my insistence. However there is 4 of them. So I think you should pay if you are deciding the meal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 01:43

You don't want to cook.

You don't want to go to hers.

In which case, she's your guest and you buy the takeaway.

And don't return prosecco that someone left. That's just weird. Your friend was being nice and returning it is just not OK.

LittleDoritt · 31/08/2020 01:49

I would never ask my mum to pay halves if she had travelled to see me at my house, but likewise I have never offered to pay halves at her house. I would be really shocked if I found out she had been wanting me to all this time!

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 31/08/2020 01:50

@TheUnquestionedAnswer

YABU. What I wouldn't give to have a takeaway with my mum.
Irrelevant. I’m sorry you miss your mum but don’t put that on the OP.
DancingCatGif · 31/08/2020 02:47

It depends on so many factors. I don't see my parents much, but when we see my PILs, sometimes they pay, sometimes we pay. It all evens out so we don't think about it that much.

If you're skint, that changes things. If she's skint, it changes things again. If you always order takeout and she never does, it's different again.

DianaT1969 · 31/08/2020 02:58

I would never ask guests to pay for food.
Your mum might think you are doing well financially because you can afford takeaways. Unless they are particularly cheap where you are? In London a takeaway probably starts at £12 per head. Whereas a good home-cooked meal could be £3-£4 per head. Even easier and cheaper if you shove a shop bought lasagne in the oven.

StoppinBy · 31/08/2020 03:43

YANBU, my inlaws often come uninvited at tea time with very little notice, I haven't planned for extras so don't have enough for them so end up with takeaway and they never ever offer to pay...ever!

They are financially very stable, we are a family with two young children.

LovePoppy · 31/08/2020 03:55

@TheUnquestionedAnswer

YABU. What I wouldn't give to have a takeaway with my mum.
I hate answers like this

So much freaking guilt! So unnecessary

steakhousesally · 31/08/2020 04:01

It's your choice to get a takeaway and she shouldn't have to pay. If you cook a meal for her do you give her a bill for the food and expect her to pay ?

pigsDOfly · 31/08/2020 13:09

@MadameBlobby

My parents would pay for the whole thing. They are awful at letting us treat them! I don’t think I’ve ever put my hand in my pocket ever when my parents are around! They’re not wealthy but generous with what they have.
This is exactly how it is in my family.

If we go out to eat as a family and my exh, my children's father, is with us he will always pay, always. They're his children and he likes to treat them, and he also pays for me.

One of my DD's has children. Both my exh and I have contributed a hell of a lot of money for things for our grandchildren.

My exh has given money for house deposits, for cars and so on. It's what a lot of people do for their children. And we're not wealthy either.

Why would anyone be stingy about paying towards a bloody takeaway with their single mother DD.

I really don't get that attitude.

TheHappyHerbivore · 31/08/2020 13:36

I wouldn’t expect my mother to pay for a takeaway at my house. If money is tight I would stick to cooking something more affordable.

dottiedodah · 31/08/2020 14:04

How is she off financially ? If shes on pension credit and struggling along I would pay no problem .If she is comfortable then I think she should make some effort to pay TBH! Maybe suggest you pay this time and her the next ? That way she will find it less easy to wriggle out of it!

WendyHoused · 31/08/2020 14:08

If someone’s staying with me and I can’t be arsed cooking I would expect to treat them to the takeaway, just as I wouldn’t ask them to pay for ingredients if I did cook.

She’s your mum, fgs.

And you say she never pays, so surely you knew what you were getting into when you presented it as an option?

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 14:08

Would you expect her to pay half for the food if you were cooking it, if not then it’s no different to you buying the take-away.
But it would be nice if she offered.

katy1213 · 31/08/2020 14:15

The wine was a gift; of course you don't return it. But how can you begrudge your mother a takeaway that was your own suggestion? If you can't afford one, then suggest something else.

Angelina82 · 31/08/2020 14:17

I would expect my mum to offer but I would never accept.