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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother to pay half towards a takeaway?

100 replies

LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 22:36

Several times she has come over to stay the night with me ( I am a single parent) I have suggested takeaway last night so I didnt have to cook but she never contributes.One of my friends also joined us and contributed and left a bottle of prosecco here. She said to me last night she would never ask for paying halves with friends?!

I said to her this morning I will take the bottle back to her and my mum said no you dont do that!

I would always offer to pay towards a takeaway and pay halves for anything brought.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 30/08/2020 23:21

@pigsDOfly

As pp said, it very much depends on the incomes of both parties.

If my DD were a single mother and I was eating at her house I don't doubt I'd pay for the whole takeaway.

I'd hardly class myself as a 'guest' in my DD's house in the sense that she's should be the one to pay if she invited me. Our relationship isn't that formal. She's my DD, I be more than happy to pay for a meal for us to share if I was eating at her house if money was a bit tight for her.

This exactly. It’s about open and honest communication. Does your mother not have a rough idea of your financial situation?
Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:22

@SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness

You need to be upfront about it. "Do you want to go halves on a takeaway?"
I said that and she said she would never ask people coming to visit to go halves.... hmm I think she would!
OP posts:
Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:25

Thank you. I know she drives half hour to mine. I’ve paid for many takeaways and haven’t asked her to contribute but last night my friend came and she said I must transfer you money and my mum said yes I’ll do that too and I knew she had no intention too even after the discussion.
If I was at my mums or my dads I would always offer to contribute

OP posts:
TheUnquestionedAnswer · 30/08/2020 23:26

YABU. What I wouldn't give to have a takeaway with my mum.

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/08/2020 23:27

I think YABU but depends on a few factors. I'm assuming you would cook dinner for your DM? So because you couldn't be bothered to cook then you should pay. If your DM suggested it, then she should offer to pay. Also does your DM stay with you to help you out, if so I think you should pay.

Me and my siblings always treat our parents but that is because we are all comfortable and it's a battle as they always want to pay! But I've been a broke, SP and I wouldn't have been able to afford it but then I wouldn't have ever suggested a takeaway and would always cook (usually something quite cheap).

Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:28

@HeddaGarbled

Don’t know - depends on your relative incomes and whether other regular favours are done for each other. I always try to pay for my mum because her only income is state pension, and I’d like to treat her after all she’s done for me in the past, but she’s stubborn!

The stuff about the Prosecco sounds like you were both being daft.

Why being stubborn? I thought my friend had left the processo in my friend so I would take it back to her today, my mum said no you don’t give back alcohol
OP posts:
Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:31

@Dillydallyingthrough

I think YABU but depends on a few factors. I'm assuming you would cook dinner for your DM? So because you couldn't be bothered to cook then you should pay. If your DM suggested it, then she should offer to pay. Also does your DM stay with you to help you out, if so I think you should pay.

Me and my siblings always treat our parents but that is because we are all comfortable and it's a battle as they always want to pay! But I've been a broke, SP and I wouldn't have been able to afford it but then I wouldn't have ever suggested a takeaway and would always cook (usually something quite cheap).

I would cook and was debating buying pizzas which are cheaper. It’s just the way she said if friends came over they would never half if but I’m Pretty sure they would!
OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 23:32

So she wants you to pay half if you’re at hers? That’s not fair. If you go to hers, pay the fuel, pay half the takeaway, why doesn’t she do the same? I know my mum would pay for me at hers and I’d insist on paying for her at mine. Actually, I’d pay for multiple meals out if she drove here, it”s 5 hours! She wouldn’t be paying for a thing.

Dillydallyingthrough · 30/08/2020 23:32

Sorry I took too long to type and can see you have responded. Being honest it seems there are more issues here than this?

Pipandmum · 30/08/2020 23:34

If I was staying at my sisters I'd go halves. If I was at my parents they would pay. If my parents were at mine I'd treat them as they so often paid for me. If it was a friend I'd invited over and gave her a takeaway nstead of cooking I'd pay, if we'd agreed to meet up for a takeaway we'd go halves.
If you go halves when you eat a takeaway at your mother's then I'd expect her to return the favour. Your friend shouldn't have to pay for your mother. Not sure why you would return the proscecco?

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 30/08/2020 23:37

I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule but I think the problem here is the inequality and you seem to be pissed off with your DM in general about her sponging off you.

Is there anything else similar that she does?

Coffeeandbeans · 30/08/2020 23:39

If I invite someone to my house then I would pay for the takeaway, otherwise it is an unexpected expense for them and they might not be able to afford it but have no choice.

Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:42

I can not imagine totalling the money she spent to feed me as a child. I have 3 children and that is my responsibility.
I am doing ok but I would always feel the need to offer to go halves with anyone be it drinks or food

OP posts:
Cadent · 30/08/2020 23:42

As your mum would expect you to go halves with her at hers, you should also expect her to go halves with you at yours. Start charging her for her share now or just have beans on toast when she comes around, and save your takeaways for when she’s not there.

I do treat my mum but she has a good pension and no mortgage whereas we have mortgage so I don’t feel the need to pay for everything for her.

BritWifeinUSA · 30/08/2020 23:43

Don’t suggest takeaways if you can’t afford them. Let her suggest it and pay for it if she likes them that much. If you’re suggesting it for your benefit (to avoid cooking, too tired, etc) then you can’t expect her to pay.

Guineapigbridge · 30/08/2020 23:44

If money's that tight that you need to nickle and dime a takeaway then cook something cheaper and simpler instead. It's really not hard to make an omlette...

Original poster
LivingMyBestLifeNOT · 30/08/2020 23:45

Thank you all. Very useful information.
I don’t really want no to go hers due to family arguing etc.
It’s not the end of the world but even if I went to theirs I would offer to pay and mum has never offered to contribute

OP posts:
Cadent · 30/08/2020 23:47

If money's that tight that you need to nickle and dime a takeaway

I can’t stand this sneery attitude. Paying for a takeaway for 2 adults and kid/s as a single parent isn’t always easy. OP’s mum paying her share would help.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 30/08/2020 23:54

YABVU. Calculate how much she must have spent on feeding you as you grew up.

Well if you have children you are obliged to feed them, but I never realised I should have kept a note of how much we have spent on food for them so it can be repaid. Hmm

riotlady · 30/08/2020 23:54

What is she staying with you for? Is it a getaway for her or is she helping with the kids?

ProudMarys · 30/08/2020 23:58

If I visit my parents and they want a take away they never offer to pay ours but I don't expect it. I would expect them to offer to pay for theirs if we did the same at our home. Special occasion we have paid for them and meals out.

Louise91417 · 31/08/2020 00:00

Did you always contribute half to "friday night chippy" when you were growing up. YABU..shes your mum for goodness sakeHmm

Glitteryone · 31/08/2020 00:01

My god I think you need to have a serious word with yourself! Charging your mother half for a takeaway? Your own mother? I can’t fathom the rationale behind this type of thinking!!!!

Jeremyironsnothing · 31/08/2020 00:03

Don't offer to pay at hers on principle.

whiplashy · 31/08/2020 00:03

she’s your mother, YABU Confused