Bullies in a FB group

[WhateverThePace]

Many women from my Baby Bus/FB group are lovely. We’re supportive, kind, advise each other. Speak with honesty and integrity. Many of us have unique skill sets and life experience that we try to share.

But there’s a group of 5 or 6 who get so nasty. Over the silliest things. They allow a select clique to express opinions but not others. If we challenge their behaviour we are told off for ‘stirring up conflict’ or accused of being unkind.

I’ve noticed this clique are quick to criticise certain members, for things they’d not dare attack others over. I detest bullying and intervene when I see this happening.

I know this cliques are part of life. But I find their behaviour sickening at times. It’s wildly obvious they are supportive of some and highly critical of others, yet the clique always back each other. A culture of fear has developed.

How do you deal with people like this? I like the group and know some of the members in RL. Yet those who are wise and kind are being dominated by this unpleasant minority, to the point they engage less and less. Some have left the group now. Those who dare to speak up are accused of being unkind or unsupportive!

It was once a happy, supportive group where opinions and values were respected. People were polite and caring.

Is there a way back or is it doomed? WWYD?

I would start to your own group. You can't fight people like this and win any other way.

Wish I could! But I don’t have the time to start or admin my own group, I’ve got 2 little ones and a demanding job.

Then do you have time to worry about some people being bolshy on a Facebook group?

I don't think it takes much time to start a new group. If you're unhappy with the current one, your options are to
a) leave
b) start a new one
c) constantly battle with the bitchy ones fairly publically until you get frozen out or asked to leave.
Up to you.

Depends on the topic 🤷🏽‍♀️ many people are accused of being bullies when really they just don't tolerate ignorant comments

Life's too short for that nonsense. Just leave the group.

I would leave the group, you see this sort of thing a lot online and you are best off not getting involved l.

*Depends on the topic 🤷🏽‍♀️ many people are accused of being bullies when really they just don't tolerate ignorant comments’

If the comments were ignorant, I don’t think that’s bullying.
But these are smart, kind, well educated women trying to help each other. And many are now afraid to post.

When certain people get attacked every time they post something not in line with the views of the clique; is that not bullying? Being selective in who can comment and who cannot?

I also notice certain members are ignored by the clique entirely. For no apparent reason.

Leave the group.

What you are describing is literally a microcosm of the current culture as a whole. I have now easy answers but often these types of people are disempowered by simply being ignored and dismissed as they are bolstered by reactions/negative attention

I could leave. But I’d rather stay. I was one of the founders so invested time and effort in getting it off the ground. And I feel sorry for the women who have no other support network. Eg Those who rely on the group, who are lonely, who look to it for support. I feel so cross when they are attacked or ignored.

@WhateverThePace

*Depends on the topic 🤷🏽‍♀️ many people are accused of being bullies when really they just don't tolerate ignorant comments’

If the comments were ignorant, I don’t think that’s bullying.
But these are smart, kind, well educated women trying to help each other. And many are now afraid to post.

When certain people get attacked every time they post something not in line with the views of the clique; is that not bullying? Being selective in who can comment and who cannot?

I also notice certain members are ignored by the clique entirely. For no apparent reason.

You sound over-invested. It's just a fb group

MASSIVE drip feed

What is Baby Bus?

@suspensionbridge is it though?

You sound over-invested. It's just a fb group

It might be a bereavement support group or something similarly really important to the OP though.

[quote SideEyeing]@suspensionbridge is it though?[/quote]
Yes. Wasn't mentioned that she'd set it all up from the beginning in the op

Sounds like some have followed you over her op. Can you remove them from the group then if you helped found it?

Sorry for the drip feed. Didn’t want to make the opening post too long!

I was one of several women who set it up, but I chose not to be an admin (too much going on in my life at the time). Some of the original admins have since left, and the ones who remain I don’t know in RL. One admin follows the clique. The others I’m not sure about, they rarely post now.

It was set up as a support group for new mothers, we supported each other through the early days, PND, various problems. It’s well established and can be great at times. Then one person starts attacking and others pile in.

I might be over invested as you say. But I feel responsible. It was supposed to be supportive, not a group for women to gang up on those who are vulnerable.

What exactly are they ganging up for? Is it to attack parenting decisions?

Can you message one of the other admins with your concerns? She might then put up a post about group guidelines/set up a three strike system or something?

Private message the people you value and set up youre own group. Then add others as admin to share the "work". Its really not much work especially if you already post and read a lot on the other group.

ClimbingAllTheTrees sometimes it’s over parenting decisions. But over petty things too. Eg unpopular member posts a thread eg funny picture of a hedge with a caption. 10 people comment in the spirit of the thread. Then clique turn it into a row, by saying it’s mean to laugh, does OP not understand how hard it is to cut a hedge? Does OP not have a hedge to trim? Think 5-6 people all putting their knives into the same person. Anyone who dares to disagree or supports the OP gets blamed for the row.

It’s like vultures just waiting for someone to step away from the herd. Even debates about kitchens or baby clothes or house prices have taken nasty turns. As if only the clique are allowed to have opinions. Or people ask for advice and get cross when they get suggestions instead of an ego stroke.

People keep writing the weirdest public apologies when they upset the clique (with no reason to apologise). Told to apologise by an admin? I don’t know.

The remaining admins are rarely active, the one who is openly supports the clique. So I don’t think I’d get much help there. My friend used to admin and she was great at intervening and reprimanding. She left the group sadly, they all got too much.

They mask their aggression behind kindness. That’s why it’s so hard to pin anyone down. Unless you follow the pattern of behaviour you could miss it. Many members dip in and out or take breaks from the group. I only noticed the bullying recently, when I realised the same people are being targeted every time and without valid reason.

I PM chat with about 10 from the group and meet up with 4 in RL. But the group has over 130 members (some inactive) so creating a new group would take forever. And I value the group, because clique aside the others are nice.

Do all baby bus/FB groups go this way? I’ve read about it before.

Or is it just the aftermath of lockdown, fraying tempers and stress causing people to bully?

If you set it up just delete them!

Kick them out !!

Wish I could! But I don’t have the time to start or admin my own group, I’ve got 2 little ones and a demanding job.

It doesn't take that much time.