Bullies in a FB group

[WhateverThePace]

Many women from my Baby Bus/FB group are lovely. We’re supportive, kind, advise each other. Speak with honesty and integrity. Many of us have unique skill sets and life experience that we try to share.

But there’s a group of 5 or 6 who get so nasty. Over the silliest things. They allow a select clique to express opinions but not others. If we challenge their behaviour we are told off for ‘stirring up conflict’ or accused of being unkind.

I’ve noticed this clique are quick to criticise certain members, for things they’d not dare attack others over. I detest bullying and intervene when I see this happening.

I know this cliques are part of life. But I find their behaviour sickening at times. It’s wildly obvious they are supportive of some and highly critical of others, yet the clique always back each other. A culture of fear has developed.

How do you deal with people like this? I like the group and know some of the members in RL. Yet those who are wise and kind are being dominated by this unpleasant minority, to the point they engage less and less. Some have left the group now. Those who dare to speak up are accused of being unkind or unsupportive!

It was once a happy, supportive group where opinions and values were respected. People were polite and caring.

Is there a way back or is it doomed? WWYD?

Sounds like Mumsnet.

Leave the group and say why.

Well you either leave or you start ignoring them. You can block them or get an admin (who are apparently your friends?) to delete them?
It’s really NOT that difficult.

Its not that hard to 'admin' a Facebook group so just set up a new one. You say you're too busy but the amount of time you are wasting on the 'bullies' will be nowhere near as much time as it would take to create a new group. Then remove yourself from the original group.

Start a WhatsApp group?

My baby bus was exactly the same; I left. (I wonder if I was in your group?) The clique were truly awful and I just couldn’t stand it any more. It’s a real shame because it’s so lovely to have support and connection with a bunch of people who are all going through the same stage as you. Luckily this is my third child so I’m not relying on it quite as heavily for advice and friendship as I did with my first. My MN group from my firstborn is still going with 70+ members and over the last 3ish years there have only been two arguments. We all have our particular friends and the ones we don’t engage with as much, but we all rub along well I think - which makes the crumbling of my newest group feel even more sad to be honest.

I'd do a very honest post explaining that you are leaving and the reasons why. Then leave. I'm in 2 of these groups. They've both had the odd tiffs and Queen bee types. I left one of them quietly as it wasn't really doing it for me anymore.

Thanks for advice. Glad it’s not just my bus/group! Sadly I’m not an admin so I can’t kick anyone out.

I don’t want to leave. I just want the bullying and nastiness to stop! Some of the women getting bullied are having a hard time in their personal lives and they post about it. But the clique either ignore them or tell them they’re wrong! I try and support them by PM and meeting up. We have lots of sub groups (specific topics) and I admin 2 of those, funnily enough the clique don’t gang up in my groups as I don’t tolerate it.

It’s not myself I’m worried about, it’s the other women. Especially those at a disadvantage (family problems, financial issues, depression/anxiety, isolation, English as a second language etc).

We have a little Whatapp group but it’s not the same as a big group.

We have a village Facebook group, and it gets quite spicy at times. There's a lot of 'alternative beliefs' locally, which don't always sit comfortably alongside the general humdrum of village life.

There was a post yesterday about the anti-COVID March up in London, loads of people had attended and the FB page was going crazy, 50% in support, 50% in outcry.

Lots of subsequent posts calling on admins stating bullying because people weren't all nicely in agreement.

One rather sage local popped up with a post that said something along the lines of 'if you have the time and the energy to get offended by something a stranger says on the internet that disappears from your life within seconds, you've got fewer things to worry about than most and you should count yourself bloody lucky'

With that in mind, I'd ignore, or tell them they're being rude and to shut up - if they take offence, same rule above applies to them!

I don’t want to leave. I just want the bullying and nastiness to stop!

I think you’re looking for a magic solution that simply isn’t there.

My policy with people like this is to assume that whatever I say will be the wrong thing, so I say what I like. Whatever you say will offend them somehow, so you may as well call them out for being bitches, in the knowledge there was no ‘right answer’.

Have a word with one of the admins. If they don't deal with it, just accept the group isn't what it was and leave.

Life is too short to stress about this stuff.

Namechangearoo

I’m sorry your group went the same way. It’s so sad isn’t it.

These kind of people are in all walks of life. You can’t avoid them or protect people from them. You can challenge it when you see it or ignore and encourage others to ignore. This takes away their power, literally don’t read it and when they start on someone else just encourage them to act is if the nasty comments aren’t even there.

To be honest, it sounds a bit like you're wishing the group was how you want it to be but without taking any positive steps whatsoever to try to shape it into that. Lots of people have made suggestions but you're giving reasons as to why they won't work. I'm not really sure what we can suggest if you don't actually want to do anything to change it.

longcoffee

That’s wise advice, thank you.

I’ve tried calling people out when they gang up, but they turn on me instead and accuse me of being unkind or stirring conflict. And when 6 people do that simultaneously I don’t know how to respond without sounding rude; it’s like 6 against 1 (the others go into the woodwork when the knives are out). Reacting is a sure-fire way to get myself booted out. The one admin who is active supports the clique. The other admins either left (including my friend) or they haven’t been active for months/years.

I ignore most personal attacks against myself. But feel obligated to step in when they attack my friends or people who are vulnerable.

I think a heated debate can be healthy provided different views are respected and everyone has a voice. It’s the ganging up and the clique’s attempts to silence certain people that I find upsetting.

Lots of people have made suggestions but you're giving reasons as to why they won't

I appreciate everyone’s suggestions. If I didn’t want advice/ideas or positive change I wouldn’t have posted here.
You may be right about there being no magical answer. But I’m still hopeful someone has experienced similar and found a solution. I know bullying and cliques happen a lot both online and in RL.

And when 6 people do that simultaneously I don’t know how to respond without sounding rude; it’s like 6 against 1 (the others go into the woodwork when the knives are out).

This is where you’re going wrong. You should sound rude - or more accurately, angry. Stop kowtowing to these harpies!

Ask the admin to make you an admin?
Ask to agree some general be kind guidelines.
Then you can turn off comments when they pile into a thread.

Become an admin, kick the twats out including the admin that's a twat, everyone's happy again. Simple. Takes you 5 mins if that.

There's a fb group I'm on that has some ultra petty people too. It's for a virtual challenge, and some are getting so upset at people not running the entire challenge and are walking it instead. The challenge says you can walk and/or run. Dunno why, but some people are just so thick, it makes me wonder how they manage to function in daily life. They are bullying people because they are too stupid to be able to read. This is what fb does to some people, it has made them morons.

All FB mums groups eventually go to shit, in my experience.

You chose not to be an admin of the group. You also say you don't have time to set up/admin a new group. If you're not prepared to commit a little time and energy to making a nice positive FB group that has the vibe you want, don't complain. People like the bullies take advantage of others' apathy. YABU.

(I am an admin for quite a big FB group and it really doesn't take much time at all)

What the hell is a baby bus??

If you're not prepared to commit a little time and energy to making a nice positive FB group that has the vibe you want, don't complain. People like the bullies take advantage of others' apathy. YABU.

I have put time and energy into it. Without being an admin. Do you need to be an admin to create a positive vibe?
I chose not to be an admin when we set it up because I had 2 under 5s and knew I’d be back to work as soon as my mat leave ended. I admin a couple of the sub groups and find it time consuming. I’m not apathetic by a long straw: many people wanted to be Admins and it seemed fairer for those with the spare time to take it on. I didn’t anticipate them leaving the group.
Guess every FB group is different. Must be super to admin one that needs minimal input or monitoring!

No chance I could become an admin now. The clique would not allow it as I refuse to be a sheep or join in with their bullying.

Goldcurtain a baby bus is a pregnancy support group on MN. You join the ‘bus’ for the month you’re due, make friends. Then usually the group moves to FB once the due dates approach.

@FlySheMust

Sounds like Mumsnet.

Came here to say the exact thing