To cut my mum out of my life?

[iamsupersayan]

I've never had the best relationship with my mum.

She remarried when I was a teenager and has since always put her husband first.
At 17 I was told by mums husband to leave our house (he didn't like me) my mum stood by and let it happen!

So from a young age I lived a lone.

There have been multiple times when I needed my mum over the years, but she was never there. She was too wrapped up in her husband to be a good mum.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm now married with a beautiful child of my own and as awful as this may sound, I don't need my mum.

Mum is still with her husband but is miserable as ever! I genuinely believe she will never split with him because she's too afraid to be on her own.

The issue is, I feel like she needs me now!! She puts me under a lot of pressure and tries to make me feel guilty most of the time.

I get several messages from her telling me she's feeling down, shes lonely, she needs company, she doesn't see anyone, I should make an effort to go and see her more (she doesn't drive so expects me to go to her)

She sends me arsey messages when I have a day out and will make digs that I haven't called to her house whilst i was out.
If she ever knows I've been to visit my husbands family (which is less that we actually go to visit her) she will message k telling me I prefer them to her, or she will bring things up about how much money she may have spent on me on her grandchild (Christmas and birthdays etc) and say "do his family do that" (my husbands)

She makes me feel like I'm responsible for her happiness and that I'm obligated to keep up a regular visiting schedule with her.

She knows she's welcome to visit me but she never does as she doesn't drive and she doesn't want to make the journey to my house via public transport (I live 9 miles from her but it's two busses)

She doesn't understand that I still feel a lot of resentment for the years she was never there for me, and I also resent her husband and don't like going to her house when he is there.

My husband can always tell when my mum has been messaging me as it really does put me in the most irritable mood.
Simply because she makes me feel bad about myself and like I'm a bad daughter.

My husband keeps telling me to cut ties as she's making me unhappy.

She's my mum and I do love her.

I know she'd be heartbroken if she didn't see me or her grandchild again but she is making me feel unhappy.

I've of course tried to talk to her about this but she's not reasonable and the conversation never ends well. 😔

Should I be making more effort to see her?
Aibu to cut her out? 😔

Based on what you have said, I am in total agreement with you DH.
Sorry to say but it sounds like your mum cares very little for you. It would be different if she cared for you and now needs you but she is toxic - then and now.

Wow I could have written this! Do we have the same mum?! I've been toying with going low contact for a long time, over lockdown I decided to do that as a way of prioritising my mental health. Like you, when mine contacts me I feel really depressed/anxious/pissed off and it has an impact on my time with my own kids. Anyway she hasn't noticed I'm barely in touch with her which proves my point really but is still upsetting. I feel like I'm in mourning for the mum I wish I had. and sympathy for you OP.

@beepbeepsheep

Wow I could have written this! Do we have the same mum?! I've been toying with going low contact for a long time, over lockdown I decided to do that as a way of prioritising my mental health. Like you, when mine contacts me I feel really depressed/anxious/pissed off and it has an impact on my time with my own kids. Anyway she hasn't noticed I'm barely in touch with her which proves my point really but is still upsetting. I feel like I'm in mourning for the mum I wish I had. and sympathy for you OP.

@beepbeepsheep

I'm sorry to hear this.

If I don't contact my mum for a day, she would notice and then the guilt trip would start. 😕

I’m afraid I’d have cut her out long ago. A parent who chooses a partner over a child is not worth spending time on, especially if they refuse to acknowledge their behaviour.

I’m sorry your mum behaved so poorly.

I have a similar story to yours including being thrown out at 17 and being left to fend for myself, and I went no contact with mine when DS was about 3. I could see her repeating her abusive behaviour towards him, and it gave me the kick up the bum I needed to say 'thats enough'. She has made repeated attempts to involve us in her drama over the years, its been a massive relief not to have to deal with it all.

Its normal to feel guilty for a few months after you do it. If you google 'out of the FOG' you realise why. Some people are only capable of selfish, damaged relationships and need to control others using Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

@Merryoldgoat

I’m afraid I’d have cut her out long ago. A parent who chooses a partner over a child is not worth spending time on, especially if they refuse to acknowledge their behaviour.

I’m sorry your mum behaved so poorly.

@Merryoldgoat

Her answer to that is "you weren't a child, you were 17"

Which makes me feel like I'm over reacting to the situation. But I was young. I needed her and she wasn't there!

You don't owe her visits. If she's not prepared to discuss the situation then she's not prepared to properly deal with it, maybe she'll own it one day but that day is on her if you've tried.

Ignore her moans and start "handling" your visits to her.

There's no contact, which is quite extreme but very necessary for some people or there's grey rock, where everything is minimised, no effort on a personal relationship, everything remains on a superficial level it's basically fulfilling an obligation, if you feel that's necessary.
With this dig behaviour it's partly about managing her and partly about your internalised response to her.
As much as you can, fuck the guilt. She wasn't there for you, that's a hell of a betrayal.
With regard to visits if you plan a visit, maybe you choose Boxing Day (because she doesn't get high profile days); book it long ahead. If she messages about a visit: respond you will see her on Boxing Day.

The rest of the time it's Cats in the cradle time and saying "see you soon, really busy with my family".

I’m with your dh.

It took me until o was nearly 40 to cut mine off. I’ll ice is so much easier

Sorry for typos

Life is so much easier

Her answer to that is "you weren't a child, you were 17"

Well my biggest problem at 17 was that I was too young to rent anywhere because you can't sign a contract until you are 18, even if you have the money. You can't earn an adult wage at 17. These days you cant even claim Jobseekers or anything until you are 23, the Govt assumes your parents should be responsible for you.

@D4rwin

You don't owe her visits. If she's not prepared to discuss the situation then she's not prepared to properly deal with it, maybe she'll own it one day but that day is on her if you've tried. Ignore her moans and start "handling" your visits to her. There's no contact, which is quite extreme but very necessary for some people or there's grey rock, where everything is minimised, no effort on a personal relationship, everything remains on a superficial level it's basically fulfilling an obligation, if you feel that's necessary. With this dig behaviour it's partly about managing her and partly about your internalised response to her. As much as you can, fuck the guilt. She wasn't there for you, that's a hell of a betrayal. With regard to visits if you plan a visit, maybe you choose Boxing Day (because she doesn't get high profile days); book it long ahead. If she messages about a visit: respond you will see her on Boxing Day. The rest of the time it's Cats in the cradle time and saying "see you soon, really busy with my family".

@D4rwin

I'm expected to visit her at least once every week. If I dont the messages just get worse.

I hate feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness.

Your experience really rings true with me! My mum remarried when I was 15 and he has been her priority ever since. Until I had my DD now she is constantly asking for pictures, wanting to visit etc. But I can’t shake how left out I felt at that time and I don’t really want to speak to her/ meet up with her but do otherwise she gets really grumpy and unreasonable with me.
It’s such a shame you’re going through this! I’d try to go low contact if you can. Take longer and longer to respond to messages and maybe she’ll get that you’re backing away a little bit.
She shouldn’t have prioritised a new man over you that’s terrible :(

It sounds like she feels guilty, and the only way she knows how to try to get you back is to play the victim so you feel sorry for her.
But you need to feel like she is genuinely sorry for her poor behaviour, she messed up and now she's paying the price.
Until she convinces you she got it all wrong and asks for your forgiveness, I don't think you can have a decent relationship with her unfortunately. If it causes you too much pain you'll have to distance yourself. It's a shame because you could rebuild the relationship, with effort from her. I would write it all down, give it to her. Unfortunately though she may not admit how wrong she was.

Id be minimising contact, you don’t need to give excuses. Just tell her you didn’t want to talk to her. She allowed her husband to put you out of your own house?? I”d have zero sympathy for her demands to see you. You owe her nothing.

I realise it's difficult. But being firm and sticking to your boundaries and comfort zone is about asserting your mental health.

Can you push it down to once a month to start with? As children get older they tend to have quite involved hobbies, make time for friends and family who are supportive and a joy to be around. Get out your calendar and fill it up.

Consider it a training process for her to respect that you have a life and are not her entertainment.

OP, have you told her how you feel and how she has damaged the relationship so you want so little do with her? I think I would let her hear it all. Depending upon her response depends whether you walk away for good or work with her to rebuild a more suitable relationship for you.

She can turn around and say at 17 you were an adult but we all know it is never that simple. If she does this again, then walk away and live happily ever after without her there to ruin it for you.

Visit once a week? Sod that. You are not responsible for her happiness even if she had been a good mum - which sadly, she clearly wasn’t. I would go very low contact - you have your own life and family to be concerned about - as others have said, maybe book her in for a Boxing Day visit (or similar), and leave it at that.

You are not responsible for her inability to form a relationship with you as an adult, that was very much her choice not an equal power dynamic.

You are not responsible for entertaining her.

You have responsibilities and commitments.
Again. Tell that guilt to fuck off. It's holding you back from getting a distance from her.

She’s a manipulative one! Go LC!

@Wishihadanalgorithm

have you told her how you feel and how she has damaged the relationship so you want so little do with her?

Yes I've told her several times, she's never apologised, well, not how I'd like her to.

She just always says it's in the past, she knows she made a mistake but she refuses to live feeling guilty for it and tells me I need to move on.

Her answer to that is "you weren't a child, you were 17"

"Well Mom, you're 52 (or whatever) and you can take care of yourself too!"

Change your phone number(s), change your email address. Tell her you need a break and will contact her in a couple of months. (& then don't)

@Purplecatshopaholic

as others have said, maybe book her in for a Boxing Day visit

Well at present we have to see her every week. If I miss one week the "I'm lonely" messages start.

I'd have to change my number if I told her i was going until Boxing Day.
I couldn't handle the guilt.

I sometimes feel it would be easier to cut her out completely but I just don't know if that's wrong.

Your mum’s happiness is her responsibility alone. You do not have to stay in any relationship (parental or otherwise) which makes you feel bad. I have been through similar myself with my mum and really benefited from a course of counselling (even a few sessions to work through the reasons why you want to cut her off- so you will feel more confident doing so. Good luck and take gentle care of yourself

I wouldn't cut her out until you've spoken to her about everything. It doesn't sound like you've told her how let down you felt and how you feel she's using you now but wasn't there when you needed her.

Communication is key to all relationships. If after talking she's still behaving the same then reconsider cutting her out but I think you'd regret it if you haven't even spoken about everything first.

OP your mum has a cheek expecting you to entertain her after she abandoned you when you were just a child. You need to stop feeling guilty for not visiting her. I think how she behaved is unforgivable!