To cut my mum out of my life?

[iamsupersayan]

I've never had the best relationship with my mum.

She remarried when I was a teenager and has since always put her husband first.
At 17 I was told by mums husband to leave our house (he didn't like me) my mum stood by and let it happen!

So from a young age I lived a lone.

There have been multiple times when I needed my mum over the years, but she was never there. She was too wrapped up in her husband to be a good mum.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm now married with a beautiful child of my own and as awful as this may sound, I don't need my mum.

Mum is still with her husband but is miserable as ever! I genuinely believe she will never split with him because she's too afraid to be on her own.

The issue is, I feel like she needs me now!! She puts me under a lot of pressure and tries to make me feel guilty most of the time.

I get several messages from her telling me she's feeling down, shes lonely, she needs company, she doesn't see anyone, I should make an effort to go and see her more (she doesn't drive so expects me to go to her)

She sends me arsey messages when I have a day out and will make digs that I haven't called to her house whilst i was out.
If she ever knows I've been to visit my husbands family (which is less that we actually go to visit her) she will message k telling me I prefer them to her, or she will bring things up about how much money she may have spent on me on her grandchild (Christmas and birthdays etc) and say "do his family do that" (my husbands)

She makes me feel like I'm responsible for her happiness and that I'm obligated to keep up a regular visiting schedule with her.

She knows she's welcome to visit me but she never does as she doesn't drive and she doesn't want to make the journey to my house via public transport (I live 9 miles from her but it's two busses)

She doesn't understand that I still feel a lot of resentment for the years she was never there for me, and I also resent her husband and don't like going to her house when he is there.

My husband can always tell when my mum has been messaging me as it really does put me in the most irritable mood.
Simply because she makes me feel bad about myself and like I'm a bad daughter.

My husband keeps telling me to cut ties as she's making me unhappy.

She's my mum and I do love her.

I know she'd be heartbroken if she didn't see me or her grandchild again but she is making me feel unhappy.

I've of course tried to talk to her about this but she's not reasonable and the conversation never ends well. 😔

Should I be making more effort to see her?
Aibu to cut her out? 😔

Or there's just reflecting it back to her, 'you know what Mum, I refuse to let you guilt-trip me, tough shit. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, so quit your whining, or tell it to someone who might have more reason than me to care. Say that arsehole of a husband of yours. You made your bed, you lie in it. If I'm going to bother with you, it's going to be on my terms, in my time, not yours. Take it or leave it. But don't keep coming to me with this crap, I haven't got time for it.'

If she starts with the ‘I’m bored and lonely’, tell her not to be silly, she has her husband to keep her company.

She’s continuing to treat you like crap and at this stage I don’t think any apology from her would be genuine. She’ll only apologise as a means of keeping you under her control.

iamsupersayan

@GinDrinker00

I’d pull her up about her treatment towards you if she says she’s lonely reply with: I was lonely too when your husband kicked me out. Sounds harsh but clearly there’s some deep ongoing issues that need to be dealt with. You shouldn’t be feeling guilty

I've tried this. Pretty much said those extract words and her response is always along the lines of. "it's in the past, I'm not going to live letting you make me feel guilty for a mistake I make"

Jesus wept OP, my heart just broke for you there

You deserve a life without her misery. I wouldn’t think twice about cutting her off.

Full of excuses and manipulation that one!

I'm actually feeling righteously wrathful on OP's behalf, and those of you that have posted, that suffered the same terribly callous and selfish treatment at the hands of your parents.

I honestly don't know how you could look your child in the eye, let alone think you had some call on their time, and affections.

OP you are still allowing her to control and manipulate you! She is the one with the problem now but through her guilt-tripping she is accessing your weak point. You are permitting this and it will eventually destroy everything. If she sends blackmailing emails and texts ignore them. Concentrate on your own feelings! Don't let her determine how you end up feeling and becoming so antagonised by it that your DH notices!

@Mary46

Op terrible. What age is she? Yes hard to let go of the hurt. Mine is bit of a bully if doesnt get her way. Moods for weeks if we on hols. Ive gone no contact but then back to her own ways. I call but its on my terms. Find once week is enough for me. Feel for you

@Mary46

She's 56.

She probably wont change. Its not nice. Ours starts the Im alone (she widowed). She keeps me sweet dinner etc til I say no or something doesnt go her way. Fookin nightmare! 70s

It's quite heartless to throw a young (17) girl out of her home. A hard thing to get over. You do say you love your mother and it appears you cannot find it in you to cut the thread. She is just as hard now in her response when you try to tell her how you feel about it, as she was then so it looks as if you are not going to get the acknowledgement of regret from her that you need. Until that happens, resentment will be like a stone between you while you still also feel ties of love and obligation. It's not great but if you can't live with cutting out completely, the best you can do is to set limits on contact and keep to them.

How about gradually lengthening the interval for visits by a day each week until you get it up to two weeks? She'll get used to it, so long as you are consistent and stick to it. And limit the opportunity for her to contact you in between by getting your husband to answer your phone and say you are out or whatever and you'll see her next week. Do not give in and give her the opportunity to whine and demand. Maybe block her temporarily on your phone so that she gets used to a new arrangement - say you are going offline for a while, are busy at work or studying for an exam or something and give her your husband's contact number for emergency use. You can steel yourself to do it by remembering that she isn't alone as she still has that husband and she will just have to accept your conditions if she wants regular contact.

Don’t make any more effort! Once a week is loads as it is. What I’d do is try and work out how often you want to see your mum. So if once/month or year. Then tell her you are happy to meet once/month Or year.
Don’t go to her house, tell you want to meet half way or at your house. Refuse to go back to the house you were kicked out of as a child.
Remember if she doesn’t want to feel guilty about that, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.

I think you should write to her explaining your feelings and that you are going NC.

What do you want op? Do you want a relationship? Does she just make you feel guilt? Do you enjoy time with her?
It feels like you need to get it all out, whether that’s face to face, a letter or therapy. She’s saying you need to move on, she’s not taking your feelings into account at all?

Is she physically able to catch 2 buses? Does she do anything for you?
Does she have issues your not disclosing...

I’d lay it all out in a letter, whether you cut contact or hugely limit it is up to you. She’s making you unhappy. Tell her that and the reason why and how she can make that better. I’d give her a chance, if nothing changes either see her once a month (purely because you say you’ll feel guilty) or cut contact entirely. Sounds an emotionally draining situation to be in.