To cut my mum out of my life?

[iamsupersayan]

I've never had the best relationship with my mum.

She remarried when I was a teenager and has since always put her husband first.
At 17 I was told by mums husband to leave our house (he didn't like me) my mum stood by and let it happen!

So from a young age I lived a lone.

There have been multiple times when I needed my mum over the years, but she was never there. She was too wrapped up in her husband to be a good mum.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm now married with a beautiful child of my own and as awful as this may sound, I don't need my mum.

Mum is still with her husband but is miserable as ever! I genuinely believe she will never split with him because she's too afraid to be on her own.

The issue is, I feel like she needs me now!! She puts me under a lot of pressure and tries to make me feel guilty most of the time.

I get several messages from her telling me she's feeling down, shes lonely, she needs company, she doesn't see anyone, I should make an effort to go and see her more (she doesn't drive so expects me to go to her)

She sends me arsey messages when I have a day out and will make digs that I haven't called to her house whilst i was out.
If she ever knows I've been to visit my husbands family (which is less that we actually go to visit her) she will message k telling me I prefer them to her, or she will bring things up about how much money she may have spent on me on her grandchild (Christmas and birthdays etc) and say "do his family do that" (my husbands)

She makes me feel like I'm responsible for her happiness and that I'm obligated to keep up a regular visiting schedule with her.

She knows she's welcome to visit me but she never does as she doesn't drive and she doesn't want to make the journey to my house via public transport (I live 9 miles from her but it's two busses)

She doesn't understand that I still feel a lot of resentment for the years she was never there for me, and I also resent her husband and don't like going to her house when he is there.

My husband can always tell when my mum has been messaging me as it really does put me in the most irritable mood.
Simply because she makes me feel bad about myself and like I'm a bad daughter.

My husband keeps telling me to cut ties as she's making me unhappy.

She's my mum and I do love her.

I know she'd be heartbroken if she didn't see me or her grandchild again but she is making me feel unhappy.

I've of course tried to talk to her about this but she's not reasonable and the conversation never ends well. 😔

Should I be making more effort to see her?
Aibu to cut her out? 😔

OP she has let you down dreadfully as a mother...you owe her nothing.Also please do not allow her to treat you as she does. You deserve to be happy.You have done nothing wrong here..I am with your husband on this.Choose to live happy with your family,choose to enjoy life.

Perhaps her birthday and Christmas to maintain some contact, but nothing else.

I agree about the channels of communication.

What happened to you was really tough, and really difficult. I have a daughter too and I wouldn't dream of doing what she did.

However, lots of people have got depressed etc during lockdown and the pandemic. See is you can find a middle way, in the buddhist sense.

You are not (yet) completely estranged. If that happens it is very very difficult to go forward.

In your place I would work on your own boundaries. Try to work out what you are prepared to do, what you are comfortable with.

i.e. maybe don't meet at her house

Think of it a bit like staying psychologically safe with someone on a first date. Limit the time to say 15 minutes if that is what you are happy with.

Go to a restaurant your like.

there is a small chance that if you show her attention and be honest about how you feel that you might be able to begin healing and repair something. Totally get if if you feel you can't.

Hey op, I know how you feel, I don’t have the best relationship with my mother.
What worked for me was moving away and only being in contact every few weeks, it has given me the headspace I need.
I’m always jealous of people with great relationships with their mums, and it makes me super determined to have a great relationship with DD.

Also Mumsnet is full of people saying ‘Go non contact’ but it’s not always that easy.
I tried it and actually missed my mum, even though she’s a shitty parent sometimes.
Do what’s best for you, don’t feel pressurised to see her or cut her out altogether

You could try and reduce contact gradually. So move visits to once week maximum and shorter time. Phone calls not every day. If she then starts the guilt trip have phrases ready to end the conversation. "Mum you are being negative and rude so I will talk to you in a few days"
You see many threads from woman about their MIL ruining relationships. Your mother has the potential to ruin your marriage.

OP you are wasting your breath. This woman allowed her new Husband to throw you out of the family home at 17 years old. This woman does not care one iota about you, your needs or your feelings.

She cares only about her own needs, her own feelings, and her own wants. She will never accept responsibility for her behaviour, her mistreatment of you and abandoning you when you needed her most.

Now.. she needs you, I wouldn't even bother sharing your hurt with her, she's numb to you, I'd be closing the door firmly in her face.

Horrible spiteful selfish woman needs a spoonful of her own medicine.

@LadyLairdArgyll

OP you are wasting your breath. This woman allowed her new Husband to throw you out of the family home at 17 years old. This woman does not care one iota about you, your needs or your feelings.

She cares only about her own needs, her own feelings, and her own wants. She will never accept responsibility for her behaviour, her mistreatment of you and abandoning you when you needed her most.

Now.. she needs you, I wouldn't even bother sharing your hurt with her, she's numb to you, I'd be closing the door firmly in her face.

Horrible spiteful selfish woman needs a spoonful of her own medicine.

She doesn't want to live with guilt.

Well OP, try taking THAT on board and model it.

Block her.

Live your life.

Sometimes people need to live with the consequences of THEIR decisions.

You were a CHILD at 17.

Wait till your daughter is that age.
You will be even more horrified that she did what she did.

She expects you to visit every week.

Jesus🙄

Block her.
See if you can get some counselling and live your best life.

Your husband is right.
Don't allow her to spoil what you have achieved with her selfishness.

You sound just great.

I worry about the advice to families to cut contact rather than thrash out differences that could be resolved by redrawing boundaries in case children are led to believe this is the only way to resolve disputes.
Managing conflict within close relationships is how children learn skills they need.

I've only read the first post, but I didn't want to read and dash.
OP, your mums behaviour is awful. 17 is so young and it's awful that you were pushed out. Her duty is 100% to you. Children always first, new man 2nd! She has completely failed in her juty as a parent. I wish I could give you a hug and congratulate you for making a good life for yourself. Do whatever makes you happy! Don't be guilt tripped into anything. Have you ever discussed her awful treatment with her?
I'd suggest telling her that you are busy with family as you want to make sure that they got the love and support that you didnt receive. Its harsh! but she's behaved really badly in the past. Xxxx

I think you should have cut contact a long time ago. Your DH is right, so do it now and then be happy in your life. Would it help to write everything down and send it to her to explain your reasons before you cut contact?

For gods sake, just block the pathetic bitch and have nothing to do with her. All the selfish old trout has done is bring sadness and grief to your life.

You will be better off without her.

I cut my mum out of my life about ten years ago and it was a good decision. People don't understand the hurt and harm that can be caused by an unloving or cruel mother, and it doesn't stop just because you're grown up. If you decide to cut her out, which is your right, do be clear and firm in your decision, because many people won't understand. They'll say 'but she's your mum, she loves you,' and they'll ask you how you'll feel when she dies if you've never forgiven her or gotten past it. They'll tell you she deserves another chance. Most people have a reasonably good or even great relationship with their mum and they just don't get it.

I think no contact or low contact is a great choice to set you free from a painful dynamic and allow you to start healing from the hurt and damage done. It has personally been the best decision I could have made, after decades of desperately trying to solve the problems, get her to love me, see me, or care. But the number of people who really understand my decision is few, so if you decide to do it, gather your support and be clear in your mind.

There is support out there. A really wonderful book called 'Will I ever be good enough?' by Karyl McBride really helped me. Peg Streep's book on 'Toxic Mothers' was also really useful. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Sorry, Peg Streep's book is called 'Mean Mothers'. It's really good.

I wouldn't persevere with this unless she was prepared to observe boundaries and it doesn't seem likely. No comments about others, no guilt tripping, no messaging, no huffing.

I’d reply that you felt lonely and Abandoned at 17, of course you sympathise but you’re sure her dh will help her with her issues. Your priorities are with your DH and child... surely she agrees with this! Get another phone, so you don’t have to engage with her unless you want to. Your DM is not going to change...she has always put herself first. so if you choose to allow her to guilt trip you into doing what she wants then you will be miserable for a very long time...

I’d pull her up about her treatment towards you if she says she’s lonely reply with: I was lonely too when your husband kicked me out. Sounds harsh but clearly there’s some deep ongoing issues that need to be dealt with. You shouldn’t be feeling guilty.

@GinDrinker00

I’d pull her up about her treatment towards you if she says she’s lonely reply with: I was lonely too when your husband kicked me out. Sounds harsh but clearly there’s some deep ongoing issues that need to be dealt with. You shouldn’t be feeling guilty

I've tried this. Pretty much said those extract words and her response is always along the lines of. "it's in the past, I'm not going to live letting you make me feel guilty for a mistake I make"

She's basically told me if I can't forget it then we can't have a relationship.

Which I've never been strong enough to break off contact with her.

I'd be telling her that her actions in the past have consequences in the present and the future. When she allowed her seventeen year old daughter to be kicked out of her home, when she chose her new husband over her daughter, her daughter had to leave home, fend for herself, carve out a new life, a new family. You've done that. It wasn't easy. There's very limited space that you have, or want to have, in your hard earned life, for that mother who abandoned you.

If she's bored or lonely, that's her problem, caused by her choices and actions. Not yours. She needs to find a way to fill the gaps in her life, not expect you to do it for her. She has no right to ask, let alone demand that of you.

You have the right to give her what you want to give, when you want to give it. Including nothing at all.

She doesn't have parental rights to you. She gave them up, when she allowed you to be booted out.

Your priorities are now your husband and your child and you can tell your mum this. She had no guilt in letting her husband throw you out. Just send your mum a message saying this and that you will be in touch some time of your choosing, then block her. She will not change and probably enjoys making you feel guilty. You are not in the wrong. If it was your partner making you feel like this the answer would be Leave him.

I’d reply back “it may be in the past, but it still hurt and if you want a relationship with me then you need to apologise and explain.” End of the day, if she’s lonely then she won’t want to loose you. And it’s time she dealt with it rather than bury her head in the sand, it’s not good for you mentally. I would cut contact back and just leave it at christmases and birthdays to be honest until she makes an effort to change the way she treats you.

Op terrible. What age is she? Yes hard to let go of the hurt. Mine is bit of a bully if doesnt get her way. Moods for weeks if we on hols. Ive gone no contact but then back to her own ways. I call but its on my terms. Find once week is enough for me. Feel for you

Go no contact before you find yourself looking after her in old age. The resentment you'll feel will be huge and you'll have no life of your own. Don't be guilt tripped by her.

She made your childhood hard....you didint really get much of a day about that....but that’s life, some of us get handed shit.

Why you are letting her make your adulthood hard too though is beyond me!! I would have cut her off ages ago.

When she calls you making you unhappy, ignore the phone or tell her that she has her husband beside her....which was the choice she made....your not responsible for that.