To bloody hate all the people who say ‘enjoy them when they are young, you’ll never get it back’....

[ThreenagerToTeenager]

My 3 - nearly 4 year old - is so incredibly difficult to enjoy spending time with. Every single day is a struggle. She has huge overblown screaming and sobbing crying episodes every single day, often for up to an hour in the mornings particularly, and whenever anything goes ‘wrong’ or over the slightest injury or scratch. She whines at everything. She can’t tolerate socks, they itch. She can’t play at the beach, the sand is too sandy. She can’t go through mud in her wellies in case she falls and gets dirty or gets stuck. She is extraordinarily risk averse so cries easily at swing parks, at anything physical really, particularly if it’s new to her. She doesn’t mix easily with other children, nursery have recently started telling me she’s quite solitary in her play. She does have a very small number of friends - through sheer perseverance on my part- but I have to work so hard on play dates that I often wonder why I’m bothering when she needs so much encouragement and input to interact and enjoy being around another child.

It’s so so bloody hard to get through the days. It’s just one long jollying her along session after another.

I see people sharing and posting these stupid things about how these are the best years of life and not to wish it away or let it pass you by and it makes me feel so inadequate as a parent. I love my daughter so much, but I can’t enjoy this. I should do myself a favour and leave social media, I know.

I think at this point I have totally lost sight of whether her behaviour is normal for her age, whether im a really shitty parent, or whether she has some sort of underlying issue I should be seeking to address.

This definitely sounds like there's an underlying issue. Is she like this at school?

Yeah I used to hate that kind of talk too.
Sorry to hear about your struggle OP.
What if any support have you got

Sorry, really long and probably not really an AIBU. Just lying awake yet again worrying about her, I needed to let it out a bit!!

In my experience they eventually morph into beautiful young adults.
It's not an easy ride for sure.
Never give up on them ☺️

First of all, I'm sure you are not a bad parent

I think in your shoes I'd be having a chat with your health visitor or GP and taking it from there.

And take no notice of social media posts, it's nicknamed Fakebook for a reason.

She isn’t at school yet, only her first year of preschool nursery. As a general rule she doesn’t scream and sob in other social settings. Or, she didn’t used to. Twice in the last two days we’ve had it out and about, once over leaving an afternoon out with friends, once over scraping her arm on a bouncy castle. The latter was so loud and ridiculous members of the public were asking me what they could do to help. I am a huge believer in rules and discipline and manners and I feel such an incredible failure for not being able to nip the tantrums in the bud when she kicks off.

I have little support as although my mum is very involved with childcare, she is the golden grandchild, and they have a very strong bond. God help you if you suggest anything might be wrong or unusual with her. It’s sweet I guess but... not overly helpful for me. I have lots of lovely friends who I can rant to if I need to but they are busy with their own young children and not really available for support as such.

OP - I'm in a similar boat in that my DD is the same age and has, mainly since lockdown, taken tantrums and general behaviour to the next level. It's very very hard to parent her properly and it's exhausting. Her older brother is doing the same, though, just in different ways (as in - he's acting out too).

I think that lockdown and all the change/uncertainty/worry has got to them and they are expressing it in different ways. They aren't coping with small changes that I would expect them to normally handle and it's hard for everyone. The world that they knew has altered a lot and they don't understand why and that's very scary.

Your daughter does sound very similar to my DS, though, in the 'top sandy' reactions. He has SPD and textures, sounds set him on edge

Too sandy

She was quite ill over the lockdown period and ended up seeing a paediatrician. I mentioned some of these and other issues and the doctor asked whether I had considered the possibility she might be autistic. (I have). However she then asked quite a few more questions and said she was completely happy it wasn’t the case. She interacts very well with adults and with a small number of children. She enjoys and often initiates physical contact with the same group. She plays very well with cousins and her sister and has an amazing imagination. She has no mental developmental delays, she’s a good wee counter and reader and has a great memory.

Maybe it’s just a mix of personality and parenting style.... its a nightmare whatever the cause! I have another daughter and it’s like a walk in the park in comparison!!!

YANBU - People enjoy different bits of parenting. My DD is 10. So far I think I've enjoyed 6.5- 8.5yrs the most. Hated the baby years, toddler years not as bad, but for me definitely getting better as she gets older.
I am dreading the teenage years though.

Find them a hobby they enjoy. Dancing, football or whatever. As they get older they're able to go on your own and you'll get some respite.

*go on their own

@morethanmeetstheeye you are right, it really is since lockdown that it has all escalated beyond what I’d previously mostly described as normal bratty three year old boundary pushing. The crying, screaming, sobbing and whining are insane now, and as you say are at a level which is very difficult to parent. I often struggle not to lose my temper, when she is genuinely distressed, just because it’s so, so constant and so so draining. Meanwhile the wee one is stoating about Happy as Larry eating dirt and raising herself in the background........

[quote ThreenagerToTeenager]@morethanmeetstheeye you are right, it really is since lockdown that it has all escalated beyond what I’d previously mostly described as normal bratty three year old boundary pushing. The crying, screaming, sobbing and whining are insane now, and as you say are at a level which is very difficult to parent. I often struggle not to lose my temper, when she is genuinely distressed, just because it’s so, so constant and so so draining. Meanwhile the wee one is stoating about Happy as Larry eating dirt and raising herself in the background........[/quote]
Oh god. I've lost my temper during lockdown far far more than I want to admit. It's been hard work and we've had some very difficult behaviour indeed.

However, I'd keep an eye on the suspicions you have regarding autism. It's such a vast sliding scale (the autistic spectrum) and girls present very differently to boys. Plus if they are intelligent and high functioning, they can mask it quite well as they develop coping and masking strategies and then let it out when they feel the safest (usually at home and often with their mum). So I suggest you maybe keep a journal and just note things so that if you need to be re-referred then you have evidence.
We've going through this process with DS and the first two times he was assessed, the school didn't think anything was wrong. But this time around they've seen him melt down. As children on the spectrum grow, the gap often widens between them and their peers and their coping/hiding strategies don't always work as well.
Hopefully this isn't the case with your DD but it's worth just keeping an eye on

Hopefully she'll calm once she's back in more of a nursery/school routine

If it's any comfort, in my experience difficult toddlers turn into lovely teenagers, and vice versa. It was certainly true of mine - the awful non-sleeping-constantly-complaining one was a doddle as a teenager and remains close as an adult.

The enjoyable times can be from when your youngest is about 5 to when your eldest is about 13 - so if you have 3 children at 2.5 year intervals you get about 18 months when they are all lovely

I think dealing with it all pragmatically and taking up a position of "this too will pass" does help

Thanks, yes despite the doctors certainty it remains a niggle in the back of my mind. I suppose my hope is that it might not be the case as although her behaviour and mood has declined massively over the last six months, other previously problematic aspects have definitely improved. Today she asked a little girl to bounce with her, she said yes and they jumped about together holding hands for a bit. That’s a social interaction she wouldn’t have wanted never mind initiated six months ago. She also has a new found love for slides and is (for her) getting really brave at trying them without whining.

There are lots of ways that the gap between her behaviour and what I see in other kids seems narrower as she gets older. But then, I don’t see or hear of other kids crying over paddling in the sea, or screaming in fake pain over slipping onto their bottom, or having sleep problems or random sock sensation sensitivities.....

Ah the joys of kids. They do not make it clear enough to you in advance that the lovely moments are balanced out by a lifetime of worry!!

@OrangeGeckoWithBlackSpots 😆 thankfully I don’t have three so maybe I’ll get a bit more respite overall. And I often try to think ‘this too shall pass’..... 🍷 helps with that!!

I have one of these OP (and I'm also big on behaviour, manners, quite old fashioned in some ways!)
There is a book about sensitive children, here you go:
www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/elaine-n-aron/highly-sensitive-child/9780767908726
My DD ticked about 16 out of 20 of the list the writer gives you at the beginning. It was hugely helpful in understanding why situations are overwhelming for her etc.
However, I'm a big believer in the world isn't going to change for you because you don't like the lining of your socks or this isn't the kind of ham you like , so I balance the "understanding" bit with being really quiet firm.
For example. She scraped her leg on a tree at preschool last week and was making a huge fuss about not having her bath as it would sting. Whingeing at 100 decibels and about to start having a bloody tantrum. I told her to stop it (very cross, almost shouting) and if she stopped making such a fuss I would lower her in like an abseiler so it wouldn't get wet. What I was aiming at is stop the bloody stupid fuss, but find a pragmatic solution.
She's nearly 5 now and has always been like this but I often get complimented on her behaviour out and about because she is also very sensitive to my expectations of her "thank you" to woman at supermarket checkout, etc.
She's also a fantastically kind big sister and has taken a younger child at preschool totally under her wing.

So there is hope, but I think you do have to balance being understanding that "small" things REALLY bother them, with clear rules on what is and is not acceptable in terms of fuss about them (which I'm sure you are doing).

My DD2 now 6 was just awful when she was 3, single mother to 3 I would dread doing anything with her weather it was just dinner time, getting dressed, brushing her teeth, school time, popping to a shop, the park, and leaving anywhere was just a nightmare the list was endless, it was always a battle with her trying to take control id never seen a child so young so stubborn,, I tried numerous ways to try and change her behaviour but nothing did any good, it was just a miserable time for me, her sisters & herself, then I broke down to my sister about how much I dreaded doing anything with her even waking her up and got to a point we was all so miserable and how little attention her sisters got and one to one time was a thing of the past because I’d spend so much time getting her to do the most mundane things like brush her teeth, my other two Dd’s have completely different personalities to her and it’s horrible to admit but were just so much easier than her I as her mother had gotten to the point I didn’t enjoy her company at all and I hated myself for feeling this way, she told me she thought it was a good idea for me and my dd’s to go stay with her and my brother in law and their children for however long we needed too, so they could help and also give me time to spend with my other children, I hated putting on anyone like this or having to move my girls from their home but for all my dd’s Sake I needed to, 6 weeks that’s all it took and the change in her behaviour no more telling me no or the rest of her fits or trying to take control, she now was eager to do anything I asked even would ask if I wanted her to anything, we come back home, at the time I was so agitated she would start trying to control everything again, the months and years passed and she is the most delightful loving easy going child now and I love spending time with her, I still hate that I felt that way about my own child and often wonder exactly what it was that helped her with her behaviour, me and my sister think it was first me being able to recharge, refresh and actually have proper time to think and her realising how much she missed out on when she take over an hour complaining about having to do something while everyone else just did it and then all doing something fun without her and realising I wasn’t ‘mean’ as she always called me whenever I asked her to do something like come sit down for dinner, that her auntie and uncle expected the same from her too, but we will never know the real answer just that within that 6 weeks she changed & im not sure she remembers any of her behaviour back then but I sure do and I sure don’t miss it, neither does the rest of my family, the solitary play and reaction to certain things most children love to do, that you mention such as puddles and sand especially if being mentioned by her preschool too, maybe a cause for concern or not but a doctors appointment just to see what they think of it all

The days are lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg

But all of a sudden the years are short.

My four year old is just like your daughter, you are not alone!

He’s ridiculously over the top sensitive about things. Saying “mummy you hurt me!!’ if I bump into him slightly. Whinging and screaming if a tiny drop of water gets on his clothes and wanting to get changed because of it. He’ll refuse to go on the slide or swings at the park if there’s any water on them.

It is very tiring. I have found not reacting to his tantrums helps. I tell him he has to use his big boy voice and talk properly or I can’t understand him. I say “it’s only a spot of water, it will dry”, and he’s started saying that too.

Possibly an issue there to be looked at in years to come, but yes, I agree 100%. I still remember the simpering friend who used to spout crap like this all the time and how much I came to hate and avoid her. At the very worst moments, during say a five-hour scream session or similar, I'd turn to my DH and do my best whispery impression of her saying "Oh it's SUCH a PRECIOUS TIME" and we'd both laugh bitterly.

DCs are young teens now and have become more and more fun and interesting to be around as they have grown and matured, and now we genuinely like and seek their company. I get it, some people like the mewling infant stage, but we did NOT.

You have reminded me of the mother of a daughter I used to chat at the school gates with. The tantrums and some slightly strange speech patterns were the child’s only symptoms of autism. It was one of the teachers who picked up on it.

Also does she look well? Is she tired? Run down?

My neurotypical eldest child is very sensitive to processed foods/colourings and has horrific tantrums after eating lots of sugar - especially processed foods. No one believed me until witnessing her behaviour post-party. And my youngest (again neurotypica) had awful - blood curdling screaming - tantrums age 3 and coincidentally they all stopped - rather dramatically - when we removed gluten (for other reasons- she has some tummy aches and was negative for celiac but GP suggested it). My nightmare toddler turned into a dream. Maybe she has sore tummies or maybe it went deeper, who knows? But the blood-brain barrier is a developing area of interest and many autistic children do better when gluten is removed so worth bearing in mind.