To bloody hate all the people who say ‘enjoy them when they are young, you’ll never get it back’....

[ThreenagerToTeenager]

My 3 - nearly 4 year old - is so incredibly difficult to enjoy spending time with. Every single day is a struggle. She has huge overblown screaming and sobbing crying episodes every single day, often for up to an hour in the mornings particularly, and whenever anything goes ‘wrong’ or over the slightest injury or scratch. She whines at everything. She can’t tolerate socks, they itch. She can’t play at the beach, the sand is too sandy. She can’t go through mud in her wellies in case she falls and gets dirty or gets stuck. She is extraordinarily risk averse so cries easily at swing parks, at anything physical really, particularly if it’s new to her. She doesn’t mix easily with other children, nursery have recently started telling me she’s quite solitary in her play. She does have a very small number of friends - through sheer perseverance on my part- but I have to work so hard on play dates that I often wonder why I’m bothering when she needs so much encouragement and input to interact and enjoy being around another child.

It’s so so bloody hard to get through the days. It’s just one long jollying her along session after another.

I see people sharing and posting these stupid things about how these are the best years of life and not to wish it away or let it pass you by and it makes me feel so inadequate as a parent. I love my daughter so much, but I can’t enjoy this. I should do myself a favour and leave social media, I know.

I think at this point I have totally lost sight of whether her behaviour is normal for her age, whether im a really shitty parent, or whether she has some sort of underlying issue I should be seeking to address.

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow that’s really interesting. She is NOT well rested and complains of (low level) stomach pain every day. These two things were part of the package of us seeing the doctor over lockdown. She was tested for ‘esis’ a nighttime childhood epilepsy, hope I’m describing that correctly... negative. I insisted on bloods for coeliacs at one point as she fit all the symptoms.... negative!! We did figure out that she has a bad intolerance to egg and when we cut that out it helped the stomach issues a lot. Not gone though.

People say it because it’s true. When there older and time has gone by you look back with rose tinted glasses. All the hard work, tantrums and problems don’t remain, but all the good memories and joy does.

OP!

I could have written this when my DD was this age (and probably did on here a few times!) Age 3 with her was the hardest year of my life. We had all the sensory stuff, awful violent tantrums and terrible social skills. I was convinced it was asd but couldn't get any support because she was fine in nursery and whenever the HV saw her! The HV told me because she was ok in school it couldn't be asd and when I asked about masking she said young children can't do that.

Anyway, she is now five (just turned) the sensory stuff is almost completely gone. She occasionally has a small fuss about socks, but that's it. Tantrums practically non existent and only when she is tired/ emotional about something else which seems in line with other people's five year Olds. She has been in reception a year and been absolutely fine, loved it. Has friends. She is very young for the year and social skills I still think aren't great but teachers weren't concerned at all.

I'm not saying there's nothing the matter, just letting you know our experience was she grew out of the majority of the behaviours and is mostly a joy to be around. There was very little joy at 3!!

I have boy who is coming up to 3 and more challenging by the day so wondering if we just make awful 3 year Olds!

@Redcups64

People say it because it’s true. When there older and time has gone by you look back with rose tinted glasses. All the hard work, tantrums and problems don’t remain, but all the good memories and joy does.

With respect, that’s nonsense. Not everyone has a selective memory about the unenjoyable periods of parenting.

I had a v close gap with my two, it was very hard work, so I totally get how you are feeling.

My two are 19 & 17, time has passed in a blink of eye to be honest. It does get easier OP, you are doing the best you can. I can remember mums at school saying how the loved the school holidays etc, they were an absolute nightmare for me, two boys fighting most of the day, but by the time they were 10 & 8, I loved the holidays too. Life changes as they grow. Smile sweetly at well meaning comments and ignore.

My son was really hard work around this age. I’d be in tears over it most days, also considered autism, behaviour disorders etc. He’s 12 now and mostly amazing 😁
I remember reading something which said to take all the negative words you think about your child and try to reframe them s as positive. Sounds hugely wanky I know. But I found it helpful. Stubborn became determined, defiant became confident etc 😂 I remember his headteacher saying to me gosh he is very stubborn isn’t he, and I said “we prefer to say determined” 😂

I’m also a big fan of what lots of people call hippy parenting 😜 but all about validating your child - if my son had hurt himself then those feelings were valid even if he seemed to be overreacting, and sometimes just allowing the feelings would help. “You banged your arm! It hurts and you feel cross and sad”. Again sounds wanky, and super annoying if someone did it to us as an adult, but it made a big difference with us. Talking through what was happening helped me stay calm too (and you can slip a little sarcasm or PA in there and they don’t notice 😜)

Kids are hard work. “Enjoy every moment“ is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say with regards to parenting. Literally no one enjoys every moment. No one.

Hang in there, you got this.

This all sounds terribly familiar. My DS8 was a miserable git all through the baby/toddler stage and only in the last couple of years has he improved considerably to the point where he is enjoyable to spend time with. He still has his moments though, far more than most kids his age. That said he does have ADHD/suspected autism (PDA) and so it's not his fault and we have, of course, adapted our parenting to suit him. It doesn't make it any less draining however (more so in fact!)

I know what you mean about the grandparents not wanting to acknowledge anything is wrong! It is infuriating and galling, as it essentially makes out you are a shit parent and if you just tried a bit harder then your child would be happy and contented all the time, like they are with them (blithely ignoring the fact that grandparents put no demands on the child and that SEN kids generally save up their meltdowns for their safe space, ie home)

Hang on in there. It gets better.

I think I would see another doctor. Girls are notoriously hard to get asd diagnosis for. I have a senco teacher friend who has given me techniques to help with my little girl, and it’s so helpful to understand more about how she processes things and how to better manage it. Might be worth looking into different behaviour management techniques, as you are certainly not a failure, but could give you different tools to cope. Also write down all the behaviour/incidents that trouble you. A doctor would only see a snapshot, and couldn’t possibly tell immediately and if she was to be diagnosed it would take many assessments.

I was talking about this yesterday with my friend. Her kids are 28/26. Mine are 18/16/12.

Her youngest has just bought a house, doing things uo, eldest living with her BF.

My eldest is off to uni and middle moving away to college.

I remember her kids coming to play with my 2 on Sundays when mine were 4 and 2. It seems so long ago, time has flown by. We talked about their annoying habits back as children, the tantrums etc which we laughed at.

You will look back fondly in yrs to cone.

I can relate to some of this!

Roselilly36- Mine are 4 and 5. Both boys. All they want to do in the holidays is fight! All of that loving the school holiday stuff is totally beyond me!

It’s nice that there is some solidarity out there. Roll on back to school!

Sounds like sensory issues to me. I had the same as a child (socks and food textures would set me off) and DD1 is similar to how your DD sounds but has settled a lot in the last two months (just turned 4)

My SIL is an occupational therapist and she showed me a body brushing technique to use with DD and it really does seem to have made a difference. Look up the Wilbarger brushing protocol.

@ThreenagerToTeenager

She was quite ill over the lockdown period and ended up seeing a paediatrician. I mentioned some of these and other issues and the doctor asked whether I had considered the possibility she might be autistic. (I have). However she then asked quite a few more questions and said she was completely happy it wasn’t the case. She interacts very well with adults and with a small number of children. She enjoys and often initiates physical contact with the same group. She plays very well with cousins and her sister and has an amazing imagination. She has no mental developmental delays, she’s a good wee counter and reader and has a great memory.

Maybe it’s just a mix of personality and parenting style.... its a nightmare whatever the cause! I have another daughter and it’s like a walk in the park in comparison!!!

Hi Op. Just a thought after reading that particular post.....it may be worth getting a second opinion. The way you described your daughter sounds very similar to my nephew, who does have high functioning autism, previously known as Asperger's. Not all people on the spectrum have all the traits. My nephew, for example, is empathetic, imaginative, plays well with his friends and cousins and does very well (above average) at school. So he probably has ASD pretty mildly, but enough for a clear diagnosis. It's always worth following things up so you make sure you both receive the support and understanding you need. Diagnoses of this kind generally font often get made too early.... Things become more apparent as they reach school age.

P.s. I'm not saying the same will be true for your dd, just that it isn't necessarily ruled out based on a lack of some particular traits and a second opinion may be helpful.

I have DC with similar issues, doc suspects high functioning autism. For us, we manage the sensitivity and peculiarities, but it's not easy! They are highly intelligent and difficult to fob off with excuses!
I have found as each year that passes it gets better, mainly due to DC increased reasoning, maturity and comprehension sills.
No no OP, I dont miss a bit of the early years and unfortunately wish time away as I can see each year as they get older is more enjoyable.

Thanks to everyone who has given stories of nightmare three year olds who have turned a corner. It may or may not be something deeper but it helps me take a breath and keep at it to know that she may yet morph into a delight! 😬😬

Issues or no issues they are NOT the best days. are when they stop all that nonsense and leave home!

Its easy to say when youre not in the thick of it. I must admit, I found that age really hard and I really love the teenager stage, but sometimes I do think back and think I didnt realise how fast it would all go

@Ilikeviognier 😂 yes I can totally relate to that, I used to feel like the worst mum on the planet, when mums were upset their kids were going back to school, I was usually the first mum at the gates, couldn’t get them there fast enough.

My two are absolutely wonderful now, very rarely argue, they get on really well. So it doesn’t last forever, but it feels like it at the time I know.

YANBU.

I feel the same and my eldest is ten. Still sounds likes she’s been mortally wounded when she’s just lost a particular toy or the computer “isn’t working”. Also very anxious at times and was solitary until later on, but is happy at school and teacher says she’s never alone now. She is autistic (newly diagnosed) but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier for us to deal with, nor is that behaviour exclusively autistic.

I don’t have advice, save exploring SEN if you think that’s right. I can see all the good things about my DD and ignore the tantrums as much as possible. They are less severe and long lasting now. Getting her out and active while avoiding computers helps too. As does spending time away from the kids by meeting a friend. I look forward to being able to leave them home to go for a walk/to a restaurant/a day trip. Two more years to go, I can’t wait.

All you can do op, hard as it is, is love her for who she is. There are very soft socks available. And make sure everything else is comfortable and soft. Cut down on the wheat. If she is a very sensitive child then go with the flow and chill out a bit with the expectations.

Something that's interesting is that when I was little in the 60s everything was scratchy and had diggy seams and hooks and buttons. Children's clothes nowadays is so much more comfy yet so many more seem to be sensitive to textures. I wonder why that is?

Hard as it is ok I think you have to nurture her differences because they are a part of her. DD was vèry anxious as a littlie, scared of the rainmaker, coming down stairs, sitting on the big loo and whinged mostly if part of her wasn't touching part of me. At about 15 she developed anxiety and depression and the gamut of self harm. She masked it very well but looking back it was always there. It was worse because she had an undiagnosed neuro developmental disability and although very high functioning it sapped her positive energy. At 22 she is fine. Medicated for adhd, aced her A'Levels and is at an Oxbridge College. She manages the depression and anxiety well but it will always be there

I'm not sure what I'm saying really but there may be something there and it woukd be good to be mindful and ensure she has clinical suppirt if required sooner rather than later to ensure crisis is headed off at the pass. In my experience it is almost impossible to secure that support through the existing mechanisms such as sen o-ordinators or camhs unless the child is severely and noticeably affected and likely to impact a schools sats results.

Good luck.

I never want it back. The baby stage isn't fun (and I didn't even have a "difficult" baby, he slept a lot and smiled and giggled a lot). The older he gets the better it gets.

My DD has a great imagination and has always been friendly with people, mostly adults when younger and very caring to younger kids. She’ll make friends anywhere. While my youngest isn’t autistic and is very shy.

My daughter will be 14 in a few weeks and I love the amazing young woman she is but my heart aches for the little 3 year old she used to be. She’s gone and I’ll never have her back. I’ll just enjoy her as she is now - which is a different type of awesome.

I hated those messages too. Looking back at old photos, DS was an adorable baby and toddler, and I miss the small, cute IMAGE of him but, damn, he was HARD work. I wouldn't wish those moments back for anything. Nice to look at, but... No. Nope.