To bloody hate all the people who say ‘enjoy them when they are young, you’ll never get it back’....

[ThreenagerToTeenager]

My 3 - nearly 4 year old - is so incredibly difficult to enjoy spending time with. Every single day is a struggle. She has huge overblown screaming and sobbing crying episodes every single day, often for up to an hour in the mornings particularly, and whenever anything goes ‘wrong’ or over the slightest injury or scratch. She whines at everything. She can’t tolerate socks, they itch. She can’t play at the beach, the sand is too sandy. She can’t go through mud in her wellies in case she falls and gets dirty or gets stuck. She is extraordinarily risk averse so cries easily at swing parks, at anything physical really, particularly if it’s new to her. She doesn’t mix easily with other children, nursery have recently started telling me she’s quite solitary in her play. She does have a very small number of friends - through sheer perseverance on my part- but I have to work so hard on play dates that I often wonder why I’m bothering when she needs so much encouragement and input to interact and enjoy being around another child.

It’s so so bloody hard to get through the days. It’s just one long jollying her along session after another.

I see people sharing and posting these stupid things about how these are the best years of life and not to wish it away or let it pass you by and it makes me feel so inadequate as a parent. I love my daughter so much, but I can’t enjoy this. I should do myself a favour and leave social media, I know.

I think at this point I have totally lost sight of whether her behaviour is normal for her age, whether im a really shitty parent, or whether she has some sort of underlying issue I should be seeking to address.

Mine was a little like this. Feel she spent most days having a tantrum, screaming, crying, not wanting to go, not wanting to come back.
It does get better I promise.

These are not stupid people saying stupid things

But you just don’t understand what they are saying

When someone says “enjoy this age, it’s gone before you know it” they are not really giving you instruction, they are saying “I wish I had spent more quality time with my kids when they were small”

It’s a wistful thing. Nobody is telling you what to as such, is just a flash of regret for the speaker

When someone says “enjoy this age, it’s gone before you know it” they are not really giving you instruction, they are saying “I wish I had spent more quality time with my kids when they were small”

It’s a wistful thing. Nobody is telling you what to as such, is just a flash of regret for the speaker

Well, maybe they could keep the wistfulness to themselves, and stop phrasing it as an imperative to whoever they're speaking to, then? Because I'm going to be the judge of whether the baby/small child stage is enjoyable or not for me.

I definitely think the sensory issues are worth keeping an eye on? Maybe keep a diary of exactly what triggers her. And I’d also be pushing for another assessment unless the paed you saw was a specialist in ASD.
The food issues also are worth pursuing. Has she ever had allergy tests? While you need to be careful of any restrictive diets for kids, again it might be worth keeping a food diary to see if any patterns emerge.

Gosh, it’s just people making conversation

A bit like:
“Enjoy your meal/holiday/new job”
“I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much”
“Wow... ok”

@Pikachubaby don’t you think it’s a little more than that though? I would love to enjoy these years. It hurts my heart and causes crippling mum guilt to hear over and over that I should be, when I’m trying my very best and yet I’m not.

I don’t think someone telling me to enjoy my dinner because I’ll be sad when I’ve eaten it, or my holiday because I’ll be sad when I’m home from it, has quite the same impact.

If you're trying your best and it isn't working, you need to try something else. Parenting the child you wish you had won't do the child in front of you any favours at all.

You’ve got the wrong end of the stick, your taking it to literally.

How is it nonsense? You are obviously not at the stage where your older and your children are adults, if you are but your most prominent memories of their entire childhoods are of how horrible it all was then what can I say!!

Op, it’s hard now because your living it now, perfectly normal. They are not saying to you these SHOULD be the best years right here and now, they are saying when your 65 and looking back, maybe holding your own baby grandchildren your memories will be fond and that’s when it seems ‘like the best times’

Smile and nod. I’ve spent years hearing about the ‘awful teenage years’ yet when I got there, I found I had two wonderful, fun, joyful teenagers who I have an incredibly close relationship with. One of them was a bloody nightmare baby and I don’t miss those two years despite SO many people saying, “awww those years go so fast you’ll miss them”

They didn’t.
And I don’t. At all.

I have 2 nieces the same age. They are both unbearable at the moment, constant whining about every little thing. They have very different parents so I don't think it can be blamed on that. I think lockdown has perhaps led to them being bored and self obsessed? Hopefully they will improve now they are back at school

From everything you said in your original post and description about your DD you could be talking about my DS at that age. I literally nodded along with every word you wrote.
It was tough and - I won’t lie - it went on for several years. He started to change and mature about the age of 11 / 12, slowly getting better each year.
He is now 15 and lovely, like a different child completely. Honestly, I am so enjoying the teenage years.
I do look back on his younger years and feel sad, because I didn’t enjoy them as much as I wanted to due to the way he was.
In hindsight, I was constantly ‘wishing’ that he would be easier so that I could enjoy him more and I think I wasted a lot of energy trying to find ways to make him ‘better’. I look back and realise that I should have tried to go with the flow more and accept that was just his personality at the time, instead of trying to make things better and worrying so much.

Op , please, please don’t feel like a failure. I have three gorgeous children who I love all equally.
My first was so placid and easygoing , honestly he never had a tantrum., never bolted , did exactly what he was told etc.
My second was unbelievably hard work and still is tricky at 5 but much, much improved. Constant screaming and tantruming , constantly objecting to getting dressed etc, it was so incredibly wearing and difficult.
I do think my ds is on the spectrum but it’s slight as he’s doing really well in school , socially , tantrums have gone , he’s fine with most clothes now etc but still we have made school aware and have brought him to some play therapy etc but no formal diagnosis.
It’s so, so , so hard and of course you aren’t enjoying it , htf is someone supposed to enjoy constant screaming and in our case constant waking at night etc, It’s NOT enjoyable, doesn’t mean you don’t love your child and cherish them.
People who say this have rose tinted glasses on or have very easy kids.. I remember my sil who had very , very easy children being full of judgment over my second dc bolting etc and how hers didn’t cause she “made sure they didn’t” , it was all what they did etc and it’s constantly implied.. ignoring the fact that we brought up my first exactly the same way and he’s never bolted in his life or tantrums , would wear anything etc..
People often project too and social media is so, so fake so I really wouldn’t take that into account.
Definitely go to your gp too and list the behavior which concerns you , there might be something going on if maybe your dc might grow out of it. Op it’s not your fault, it’s nothing you are doing?

@Thefab3 thank you, your post is so kind. I’m sorry you’ve felt the same, it’s very tiring and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It doesn’t take away from how much I love her at all, but it does make her exhausting to be around at times. Yes other people and the ‘I just wouldn’t have that’ is infuriating. I’ve deliberately let quite a good friendship drift because of this, my friend constantly asked me when DD was getting up in the morning and how she was overnight - I assume to be nice and show an interest and some support- but would then without fail say ‘that just wouldn’t wash in my house, I wouldn’t have that’. Cheers, if only I had thought of not having it before now 🙄

@hippohector thanks for your advice. I’m really glad to know you’ve come out the other side. Fair play to you for not losing your mind in the process......! I try my best to parent the child I have. I try my best to protect her from people who expect her to behave like a more typical 3 year old, too, and who put unnecessary pressure on her to change or ‘man up’. Sounds so stupid but I’m currently arguing with her gran over a bike for her birthday. My mum is hell bent on it and went and bought one despite me repeatedly saying shes not ready and I don’t want to rush her and cause her to take against it, or to make her cry on her birthday.

She (my mum) just doesn’t get/won’t accept that though most 4 year olds would love a lovely shiny first bike and a chance to learn and cycle themselves, that’s not my child. She hates activities involving balancing, she dislikes any new sport or physical activity, and has to be coaxed over many months into trying and sticking with something physically out of her comfort zone. (Which is crafting, reading, playing with barbies, ballet, cuddling in the house quietly).

(I actually could care less about this aspect of her personality. Lots of people are naturally quiet and gentle. It’s part of who she is and what I love about her. The tantrums and whining though.....that I could most definitely do without!)

Hang in there. You’re not the only one. I have never been more relieved than when a friend quietly said to me (with a toddler who nursery advises should be reviewed for autism and came back with ‘many traits but very clever, will learn coping strategies’ from the nice lady from the NHS)...’not everyone lives this stage, mine were much more fun at Primary age’. It took away so much guilt and has so far proved very true!

Like a PP suggested, I would read the ‘highly Sensitive children’ book. I’ve got two Dc that are the same (one other just goes with the flow).. it really is their personality. Sensory processing disorder is worth looking at too although I gather it now forms part of the Autistic spectrum rather than a separate diagnosis.
It has got a little easier as she got older but very easily upset still and new challenges come along.
Mine dc had big anxiety on starting school, displayed through difficult behaviour- worth watching out for that (noisy classrooms and being jostled in the crowd going into school really upset her equilibrium).
Good luck, it is utterly exhausting when they are a handful xxx

Ps my dc struggled with cycling hugely until much older. Loved her scooter though! L

Another word of warning she hated swimming until much later too (noise and found it hard, she is maybe dyspraxic).
Best of luck. Some take a little longer and it is fine. Best thing I think for sensitive kids is to keep their confidence up by doing things they enjoy. Good luck, you sound like a brilliant Mum xxx

Yup it's a load of absolute crap! Much prefer day to day life now mine are old enough to sleep all night, not need nappies, hold a conversation, sit through a mutually enjoyable film, play board games and go to school for 30 hours a week

If your dc doesn’t want to cycle that’s absolutely fine, do it when she’s ready. If your mum wants to buy a bike let her but you don’t have to make your child sit on it and cycle. She’s 4 , years and years to learn.
The biggest mistake I made and make is comparing myself and my dcs to others.
A classic example was toilet training, first child done in 2 weeks , no issues night and day at 2 1/2 Second child I tried at 2 1/2 , no interest, constant accidents and frustration for weeks but because of my first and from listening to others about “not going back once we started”, “never put them back in pull-ups” etc I persevered. Total mistake and awful for him and us, gave up on it and 3 1/2 he did it in a week. I had plp in my ear saying “persevere now, don’t give up, he’s well able “. He wasn’t.
My child who spent years screaming and not sleeping is actually really bright and a brilliant artist , already draws so well. He’s not an “easy “ child and it has been very hard but I found other people’s attitudes harder. People like to think that their child’s “chilled” personality is all down to their amazing parenting. I know from having 3 that it is bs but it’s very hard when you see how easy some other kids can be.

My Ds was the most mardy, difficult child from around a year old until at least 5. Every day started with a tantrum which would continue for hours,everything was my fault, every needed whining about or to be a battle. He wouldn’t walk anywhere and was so stubborn and would scream in public over nothing,it was a nightmare.

He also hated water as it was too wet, except for swimming that was fine but washing his hair my god it sounded like I was murdering him or if it rained! He hated the feeling of clothes, particularly socks so I had to constantly buy new ones as if they weren’t super soft he would go crazy. We used to be late for nursery every single day because of socks or his hat was itchy or the sleeves on his coat weren’t right! I tried to getting him assessed but no one was interested. He honestly nearly broke me.

After 5 there was an improvement which continued until he was completely lovely by 7 and now at 11 honestly is the most laid back child imaginable. No sensory issues whatsoever anymore, incredibly loving and patient. I honestly don’t know what his problem was but he did grow out of it!

YABU I'd do anything for a bit longer with mine.

“Enjoy every second” seems like gaslighting to me. No one enjoys EVERY second, but to say it to someone who is struggling, seems perverse and thoughtless. You are hating this stage, but no it’s great really. You feel awful, but looking back you’ll love it. It is trying to deny the reality you are in the middle of. Taking a break from social media can be very helpful.

OP I wouldn’t worry too much about your daughter. Given lockdown and everything, no one seems to be in their right mind at the moment, child or adult. Hopefully we can all get back to normal a bit in the autumn.

A couple of reading suggestions - google about orchid /dandelion children, I found that quite helpful. Also Philippa Perry “the book you wish your parents had read” is good on not denying their feelings. If her socks feel horrible you saying “no they don’t it’s fine” is denying her feelings and that can cause bad reactions.

One of my mates always said the terrible twos last from 18 months til 4 and that was true for us. So different now at 6 and 10. KOKO and forget all the #makingmemories guff

for you op.
All I can say is this will pass once your daughter can put all her thoughts,emotions into some kind of order and she works out who she is.She sounds a lovely little girl otherwise and hopefully before too long you will enjoy her more and more.Good luck

Not read all the replies but my ds wA like this until he got to 4.5. I absolutely detested him some days, I felt utter despair and most days it was as much as I could do to put one foot in front of the other. I loved the bones of him obviously but it was sooo hard as he was so difficult most of the time. He also never slept to make matters worse. I never enjoyed him I hate to say.

However, he's now 12 and since he was 4.5 he has been absolutely marvellous and such a bloody pleasure. I wouldn't want those years back though!

So I get exactly why you feel the way you do, but things can get better op.