Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to extra Christmas guests? (Sort of light-hearted)

53 replies

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 30/08/2020 01:40

For many of the last 10 or so years, one of my uncles (in his 60s) has asked for an invitation for himself, his spouse and his two children (my cousins) to my immediate family's Christmas day. Usually between 12 and 20 people otherwise attend (my parents, brothers, sisters, BILs and SILs and nieces/nephews, and occasionally another of my (many) uncles and his partner who are good fun and whom we enjoy seeing).

About half the time an invitation has been extended to him and his family (upon his request). When they attend, they just turn up and do not contribute to said Christmas day (ie no wine/flowers/offer to bring pudding etc). And this is a bit harsh - but they are all so jolly boring and their sole conversational topics are themselves and complaining about various things. They would not be invited unless they asked to attend.

Christmas dinner is at my house this year so I'm quite sure he's going to ask me if he, his spouse and his (mid 30s) children can come.

I can afford to have them join us and we have enough room. But I want to say no because they add very little to the day and I think they all have a bit of a brass neck. For context, my uncle also does the following regularly:

  • asks various family members for free work/legal advice for himself and his children (he is reasonably well off and could afford to pay, but I think he sees it as his 'right' to get things for free and never offers to even give a bottle of wine. I've personally done about £4000 worth of work for his children in the last few years at his request. I don't really mind this as I have time and the work is not hard and they are my cousins after all - although the expectation is a bit irritating. He never says thank you either and neither do his children);
  • invites himself and his spouse to stay at various family members' homes for the weekend/long weekend (which is rude in itself) and then expects to be waited on: eg asks for tea/coffee rather than making own, never offers to buy or cook dinner.

So WIBU to say no, they can't come? I just think they are jolly rude in many respects and they're boring and I don't want them there stamps foot and pouts. No-one else who is coming for Christmas wants then there either for similar reasons to mine.

Or should I just bite my tongue and be a grown up about it? I do think he and his children really enjoy having a big family Christmas day with us (he has no grandchildren) and they have nowhere else to go - so I feel a bit mean saying no.

OP posts:
Dillydallyingthrough · 30/08/2020 01:44

I don't think that makes you mean, they are rude and they are not alone they could all have Christmas together!

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 01:45

Has he ever posted the whole family? Even out to dinner of he doesn't have the space? If not, he clearly isn't a grown-up so why do you have to be one. Personally I think part of being grown up is not doing things clearly against your own interests for someone who wouldn't piss on you were you on fire.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 01:46

Hosted dammit

Original poster
Mincingfuckdragon2 · 30/08/2020 02:41

@MrsTerryPratchett no, never the whole family though he has hosted me, DH and our children (after we hosted him, his spouse and his children).

I do think he'd help me out if I asked for help and he had the relevant skill set. So I don't think he's mean - just largely oblivious about social mores.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 30/08/2020 03:28

He's a free loader and taking you and the rest of the family for mugs so no you wouldn't be mean or mean spirited to say it doesn't suit you this year.

MaggieFS · 30/08/2020 03:52

I'd probably end up inviting him, and then just try and ignore the fact he's there, but probably also be annoyed. Or I'd invite someone else new and then say sorry there's no room. I probably wouldn't have the nerve to not invite him outright.

I do think I'd be able to give him quite a specific shopping list though with the invitation e.g. 'please do come for Christmas. Everyone's chipping in so please can you bring four bottles of xx wine'.

I'd also have no qualms about calling out the lack of a thank you for the work!

Blondie1984 · 30/08/2020 03:59

I’d invite them but say everyone is chipping in and so they will be in charge of dessert/ crackers/soft drinks / something similar

lydia7986 · 30/08/2020 04:03

Just blame Covid - using it as an excuse for things you don’t want to do is one of the only upsides.

Say that you’re planning a very small Xmas with only immediate family, as there’s no way of knowing what the infection rate/lockdown restrictions will be come December, and you don’t want to make big plans only to have to cancel them.

Lumisade · 30/08/2020 04:19

I suspect Covid may be your friend on this one so don't worry. Say you'd love to have them but that you don't think gatherings of more that many people from that many households will be allowed by then.

Spiderbaby8 · 30/08/2020 04:26

Why would you do all that legal work for them if they don't reciprocate with their own skillset and you are going to resent them for it?
So many people will martyr themselves whilst quietly seething, it makes no sense.

kidsdrivingmemad · 30/08/2020 04:29

Just use corona as an excuse so you want to keep numbers low.

folkloreore · 30/08/2020 04:48

I wouldn't mention covid as they sound like the sort of people who would have a comeback to any reason you give. Just say it won't be possible for them to join you this year and you hope they have a lovely time together instead

If you're happy to do the work free of charge for them then do, but I would be pulling them up each and every time about not saying thank you.

If they claim to be offended by any of the above it's just a further example of their entitlement and putting their own feelings above yours.

It's ok to set standards for how you will/won't allow yourself to be treated.

kateandme · 30/08/2020 04:52

well,we maystill be at one other household only so.

oakleaffy · 30/08/2020 05:04

@Spiderbaby8

Why would you do all that legal work for them if they don't reciprocate with their own skillset and you are going to resent them for it? So many people will martyr themselves whilst quietly seething, it makes no sense.
This- I don't understand it either. No one would ask a skilled carpenter to ''Do work for them'' for free- Just because Legal work involves no outlay on materials, isn't a physical skill, isn't a reason you should do it Scott free!

You studied for years to get where you are.

Tell him and his kids ''no can do'' - and as for turning up empty handed...Rude man!

As others have said- Covid is your perfect excuse this Winter.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/08/2020 05:26

When you said about all the free work he gets done I was going to say YANBU, but then you said:

I do think he'd help me out if I asked for help and he had the relevant skill set. So I don't think he's mean - just largely oblivious about social mores.

and it seemed more like he isn't a bad guy, he just isn't naturally charismatic and socially gifted, so then it seems meaner. I don't think it's an obligation to ask them or that you'd be bad to say no. But if I were in your position I'd probably say yes, maybe with a direct request for them to bring some wine or Christmas pudding or something, or maybe I'd just talk to whichever of my parents was his sibling and ask them to talk to him about being a bit more socially graceful.

MrsSlipSlop · 30/08/2020 05:33

I would blame COVID too “we are planning a meal with just our bubble this year, spreading out along the table”, or if you wanted to be pointed add “it’s pot-luck this year, people who we have invited are helping us by bringing stuff”.

AlwaysCheddar · 30/08/2020 05:42

No way! Use Covid as an excuse for a small gathering.

CJsGoldfish · 30/08/2020 05:52

I wouldn't say no if they asked, that just seems mean. He/they act the way they do because people let them.
I'd say "sure, everyone is bringing something this year, do you mind bringing x/what would you like to bring so I can mark it off?"
Upon arrival, they'd be shown where to make their own coffee/pour their own drinks etc and they would know straight up that noone will be waiting on them. In fact, I'd make sure they helped out.
Honestly, being in my home, I'd do my best to engage and hopefully bring out another side of them. If that failed, I'd leave them to enjoy the hospitality and company any way they like (NOT being waited on/helping out of course)

Quire · 30/08/2020 05:57

No. I have a No Boring Bastards rule.

I thought reading the beginning of your post that your uncle invited himself because he didn’t have a partner or family and was lonely, but if he does, I don’t see why they don’t just spend Christmas together?

Whenwillthisbeover · 30/08/2020 06:06

I would insist that if he comes that he brings something as Christmas is expensive you know. Your turn to buy the turkey Uncle John, and I need it the day before Christmas Eve, thank you.

HazelBite · 30/08/2020 06:07

I honestly think that we will all be having a quiet Xmas this year.
Most experts are saying as the weather gets cooler there are likely to be more outbreaks of Covid.
I don't think that it is a good idea to make plans for Xmas at the moment, and if he asks or assumes say that you were waiting to see what the guidelines are this year before any plans are made this year.
If no firm invitation is extended he (his family) can have no firm expectation.

TattyMcBab · 30/08/2020 06:20

Knowing our government they’ll probably announce it on Christmas Eve, but I don’t think anyone’s going to be having Christmas with 12-20 this year (or not within the rules anyway).

I can’t believe your cousins don’t have somewhere better to go! No other family on their mother’s side, no friends, partners, etc...?

Roselilly36 · 30/08/2020 06:42

Have your excuses last lined up ready, why should you host anyone you don’t want in your home, it will spoil your day.

Also I think large Xmas gatherings could well be banned.

Hollyhead · 30/08/2020 06:50

I don’t think you’ll be having that sort of Christmas anyway this year - I think it will be possibly 2 households only. I’m managing my expectations early that it will be single households for Christmas.

Normalmumandwife · 30/08/2020 06:54

Suggests he hosts everybody and see how that goes down?

Swipe left for the next trending thread