Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to extra Christmas guests? (Sort of light-hearted)

53 replies

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 30/08/2020 01:40

For many of the last 10 or so years, one of my uncles (in his 60s) has asked for an invitation for himself, his spouse and his two children (my cousins) to my immediate family's Christmas day. Usually between 12 and 20 people otherwise attend (my parents, brothers, sisters, BILs and SILs and nieces/nephews, and occasionally another of my (many) uncles and his partner who are good fun and whom we enjoy seeing).

About half the time an invitation has been extended to him and his family (upon his request). When they attend, they just turn up and do not contribute to said Christmas day (ie no wine/flowers/offer to bring pudding etc). And this is a bit harsh - but they are all so jolly boring and their sole conversational topics are themselves and complaining about various things. They would not be invited unless they asked to attend.

Christmas dinner is at my house this year so I'm quite sure he's going to ask me if he, his spouse and his (mid 30s) children can come.

I can afford to have them join us and we have enough room. But I want to say no because they add very little to the day and I think they all have a bit of a brass neck. For context, my uncle also does the following regularly:

  • asks various family members for free work/legal advice for himself and his children (he is reasonably well off and could afford to pay, but I think he sees it as his 'right' to get things for free and never offers to even give a bottle of wine. I've personally done about £4000 worth of work for his children in the last few years at his request. I don't really mind this as I have time and the work is not hard and they are my cousins after all - although the expectation is a bit irritating. He never says thank you either and neither do his children);
  • invites himself and his spouse to stay at various family members' homes for the weekend/long weekend (which is rude in itself) and then expects to be waited on: eg asks for tea/coffee rather than making own, never offers to buy or cook dinner.

So WIBU to say no, they can't come? I just think they are jolly rude in many respects and they're boring and I don't want them there stamps foot and pouts. No-one else who is coming for Christmas wants then there either for similar reasons to mine.

Or should I just bite my tongue and be a grown up about it? I do think he and his children really enjoy having a big family Christmas day with us (he has no grandchildren) and they have nowhere else to go - so I feel a bit mean saying no.

OP posts:
cjpark · 30/08/2020 07:08

As others have said, I expect it will be a 2 household Christmas due to Covid. Send them a message saying you're pre-emitting the lockdown and having a quiet one this year. Enjoy!

Tappering · 30/08/2020 07:13

So you mind if you fall out with them? If not then I'd tell him, if/when he asks, that you are only hosting people who contribute. And as he and his family have never lifted a finger over the years - not even to thank you for work you've done for free - then, no you will not be inviting them.

If you want to stay on good terms, then tell him that unfortunately you are fully booked for Christmas and will no doubt see him and his family soon. Be vague and don't get into any detail.

Personally I'd be honest with him. He only gets away with freeloading because nobody's pulled him up on it. And if he's "oblivious" then wouldn't it be fairer to be honest rather than everyone quietly chuntering behind his back?

Tappering · 30/08/2020 07:13

That should start "do you mind"!

7yo7yo · 30/08/2020 07:14

They do have somewhere to go! They have each other. It’s not as if he’s on his own. Say no. Say that you don’t want lots of people there.

IslaMann · 30/08/2020 07:19

You probably shouldn't be having such a large gathering even without them this year. I suspect it'll be max of 2 households, and that will be generous in the circumstances. How can 12-20 people remain socially distant in a house unless you live in a mansion?

Raindancer411 · 30/08/2020 07:19

Be the one to break the chain! If you do it this year, others may be brave and follow suit the following. Say no!!

ivfdreaming · 30/08/2020 07:20

If he asks for an invitation then say yes but stipulate that him and the adult children need to bring something with them to contribute - wine, nibbles etc 🤷‍♀️

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 30/08/2020 07:28

Yeah as PP's have suggested, blame covid for reducing numbers, or ask them directly to bring dessert, for X amount of people or so many bottles of wine.

I'd not want to host a freeloader. As you say, it's not about the money, but showing that they are grateful. Also, The whole family including 30 year old kids? No thanks!!

MayFayre · 30/08/2020 08:01

Covid is a great excuse to break this cycle.

I’d be amazed if such gatherings would even be allowed by Christmas anyway. I think there’ll be harsher restrictions, probably single people allowed to bubble with one household and nothing more.

Sheknowsaboutme · 30/08/2020 08:35

With that amount of people i would say every one chips in or basically you're not hosting.

Imagine how nice it would be with out anyone there!

TheHappyHerbivore · 30/08/2020 09:02

They sound cheeky and boring. Luckily with Covid you have the perfect excuse to say you’re trying to minimise the mixing of households this year!

StripeyDeckchair · 30/08/2020 09:12

Invite him but specify what you want as a contribution.

Eg yes you can come. Arrive at X time on Christmas day. Everyone is bringing something so can you bring 6 bottles of red wine and 6 of white. Thanks

Hellokitty82 · 30/08/2020 09:14

@Mincingfuckdragon2
I'd hire a cottage somewhere for you and very immediate family then you so t be home 😂

userxx · 30/08/2020 09:19

Freeloader in the extreme,

LockdownLump · 30/08/2020 09:20

Aypu sound nice and thoughtful, so if you don't invite them, it may spoil the day as you will be anxious about not inviting them.

I would invite him, but a pp's have said, specify an item to bring. Tell him he is in charge of the desserts.

LockdownLump · 30/08/2020 09:21

*You not Aypu - stupid fat thumbs

EnoughAlready2020 · 30/08/2020 09:22

I would invite but like PP I'd be really clear that they'd have to contribute significantly 😬

RomaineCalm · 30/08/2020 09:34

@HazelBite

I honestly think that we will all be having a quiet Xmas this year. Most experts are saying as the weather gets cooler there are likely to be more outbreaks of Covid. I don't think that it is a good idea to make plans for Xmas at the moment, and if he asks or assumes say that you were waiting to see what the guidelines are this year before any plans are made this year. If no firm invitation is extended he (his family) can have no firm expectation.

I agree with this.

"Sorry, we're not making any plans to host Christmas this year. It'll just be us as I don't want the uncertainty of making complicated plans that might be cancelled at short notice."

honeygirlz · 30/08/2020 09:38

He’s not oblivious OP, he knows very well what he’s doing. Don’t invite him please!

SoloMummy · 30/08/2020 09:43

I do think yabu to not invite because they're boring. Christmas is about family!

I'm so close to my nieces and nephews, that I have to say I'd be really hurt if they feel this way in 15 years time! Not because it's tit for tat with all I've done for them and with them in their childhoods, but because it would mean that the meaning of family has been lost in our family too.

This year's different though and may mean that you could only host those in whatever bubble is deemed appropriate to the circumstances, so you may not have everyone anyway. But if you do, I would start a family Christmas WhatsApp, so that it's clear for all to see and ask each family unit to contribute something specific. So for example dessert wine, cheeseboard etc.

Cadent · 30/08/2020 09:44

@SoloMummy have you actually read the OP?

HorsePellets · 30/08/2020 09:53

“No, not this year. Besides, surely it’s your turn to have EVERYONE by now!”

WouldBeGood · 30/08/2020 10:03

YANBU. I’d probably preempt a request by messaging well before Christmas saying you know they’ve been for Christmas before but you have different plans this year, letting them know so they
can make arrangements.

If you like them enough, perhaps suggest meeting around the festive season for a meal?

aToadOnTheWhole · 30/08/2020 10:04

Don't invite them, use Covid to change the expectations.

We used to end up with everyone, it used to be immediate family plus grandparents, then it snowballed. My grandparents passed away, and my DM would invite Aunt and the younger kids (older ones having homes of their own) Aunt invited her older kids, alcoholic Uncle, plus their partners and kids, one of those invited his mother and sister (people who we'd never met) because "they can't be on their own".

My DM felt sorry for them, we ended up catering for 18 extra people. Last time we did it they turned up late (for Christmas dinner), didn't bring anything, never lifted a finger, expected to be waited on hand and foot, ate and drank and then all fucked off to a party together hosted at one of their houses and left is to clean up without a word of thanks. Never again. It's much nicer now.

Potterpotterpotter · 30/08/2020 10:11

Turn it around and say that you hosted last year so it will be nice to have a year off and he can host and you would
Be delighted to come.