@ApricotJams
I’ve struggled with depression, and I think it’s very difficult for people who haven’t to understand what it’s like. Folks offer practical support (as you have with supporting him while finding another job, which does show you care). But for me, the illness takes away all my motivation, and hope for the future. It really does all feel pointless. And knowing that he is disappointing you probably isn’t helping. My family focussed on the practical and got annoyed when I couldn’t manage to ‘cheer up’ and ‘snap out of it’ and it nearly broke me.
I would suggest you take small steps. Focus on being there and being supportive. Go for walks together, talk about random things, not the big life stuff that feels so important to you but is overwhelming for your H. Listen to his concerns but don’t try to ‘fix’ it. I believe the family’s role is to be kind and patient, and for counselling to work on the underlying causes and solutions.
I'm really sorry, I don't want you to feel like I'm picking on you, but I've thought of other things in response to your comments to illustrate my point of view.
Focus on being there and being supportive
So you're there. But he's ignoring you/in bed staring at the wall/sighing and muttering 'oh, what's the use?'.
Being supportive. But he's not making eye contact, turning away, telling the kids to leave him alone whilst you're tiptoeing around picking his socks off the bedroom floor, he stinks because he won't change his clothes or wash and it's permanently dark because he won't accept the curtains being opened. If you ask what he'd like for tea, he says 'Don't care'. So you grit your teeth and make something nice, full of flavour and healthy, putting it near him so he can eat it if he wants. It's still there three hours later. It would still be there 3 days later if you didn't clean it up. And then you spot the halfeaten packet of crisps and chocolate wrappers shoved down the back of the bed because he did eat, but couldn't be bothered to tell you or put the remainders in the bin. Because whilst you were at work, he went out and bought it all. It's just the boring stopping for anybody else that he can't possibly manage.
Go for walks together
Nice idea. But he won't even get out of bed until you get in there, much less leave the house when it's not his decision.
talk about random things, not the big life stuff that feels so important to you but is overwhelming for your H
Might as well be talking to the cat. Who, although he has no comprehension of 'The savings are gone and we're not going to be able to pay the rent in October', at least pretends to listen and doesn't make out that you're being mean by making their life worse/putting pressure on them.
Listen to his concerns but don’t try to ‘fix’ it-
Everything's shit. There's no point. It's all pointless. He's saying about how he feels (if he can summon up the energy to bother having a conversation when there are boxsets to watch or a wall to stare at. But you could just as easily say that about trying to talk to him.
I believe the family’s role is to be kind and patient, and for counselling to work on the underlying causes and solutions
Patience doesn't pay the bills. Patience doesn't stop you feeling invisible. Patience doesn't stop you feeling that everything has fallen on your head - earning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, every single thought, act is your job and in return, you get a largely miserable and frequently invisible housemate that makes your bed smell because he's in it all the time whilst you do the work to keep everything together.
Counselling? That would suggest he was willing to do it. But, as he's said already, there's no point. He won't leave the house to attend an appointment, He won't use the phone. He won't use the internet. He'll ignore email based counselling. Because he says there's no point and it won't possibly work anyhow.
And that's before you get to things like drinking, rejection of all physical affection or wanting sex but it being crap because of the medication or you being too tired because you're doing everything and he complains you're denying him comfort.
When somebody has been supportive and kind and had everything they've done thrown back in their face for months if not years, 'Snap out of it' means they've had enough of everything being their responsibility and the other person's sole purpose in life appears to be making sure everybody else is as unhappy as they are, just so long as the 'supportive' person continues to do all the heavy lifting.
A refusal to understand that or act on it means that the depressed partner is running on the theory that they won't actually end the relationship. Which is a dangerous gamble to place.