AIBU to have had enough of my depressed husband?

[StitchInLime]

Hubby has always been a 'glass half empty' kinda guy while I've always been a 'glass half full' type. I don't tend to give up on things whereas he gives up at the first rejection/obstacle.

I knew this when we got together. Maybe it was part of the attraction, this brooding silent type.

But it's becoming too much. The pandemic has compounded it and I think he's slipped into actual depression. He's just so miserable all the time and it brings me (and I think, our daughter) down. He talks about not having any luck, nothing good happening to him (he dislikes his job and has half heartedly tried to find another but gives up at first sign of rejection). In truth, there is so much he should be grateful for! We have our health, we have our amazing daughter, we have a lovely house in a lovely area. My job has been paying well lately so I've been doing things to help, like I paid for him to have 3 months off to focus on finding a new job / focus; I paid for something to help with his hobby....to be fair, the pandemic hit in the middle of all that. But he still had some time.

He has been to Dr and on anti depressants but not making a difference.

I'm not sure how much longer I can live with the relentless sadness and negativity.

AIBU to tell him to snap the f&£k out of it or I'll leave? Or is there more I can do to help him?

It's hell. I speak as a diagnosed currently trying to be ok depressive / anxiety/ PTSD sufferer. I have lots of empathy. That's the problem. It's worn me down and I'm losing my patience. Have empathy for OP. It's so hard.

@MitziK
You explained it so well. It’s exhausting and sometimes you really have tried everything and you realise that there isn’t much more you can do. I also experienced my ex moping about and refusing to engage with my family and friends but being life and soul of the party in front of his own. The final straw for me was when I had a serious illness and all he cared about was how bad it was for him.
My current partner is suffering from depression at the moment but he’s engaging with counselling etc. There is a huge difference between this situation and what I endured for 20 years with my ex. I think you need to give him an ultimatum OP.

Please have empathy for the OP - having a depressed partner is one of the most draining things ever, even more than jobseeking.
He is unhappy about his degree - I thing of solutions like talk to the director of studies. He does nothing.
He is struggling with practical work. I offer to do proofreeding. He plays computer games and does nothing.
He is finding it hard to revise. I go to the library to revise and invite him along - he keeps raising his voice and gets kicked out. I go on my own. He does nothing.
He freaks out over maths during a revision session by screaming in my face. I distance myself and continue with revision. He does nothing.
He gets chronic daily migrane and is in constant head pain. He does nothing. Then it disrupts his sleep and he finally gets painkillers.
His depression flairs up and he misses lectures. I copy my lecture notes. He laughs at my distress over his worsening condition. He does nothing.
My friends and I try to show him some love and show he is not alone but he needs to get some professional help as he cannot do this on his own and there is no stigma in getting help. He does nothing.
I split up when he confesses that the thought of spending time with him makes him scream. He still does nothing.

So in the end It was best for me that we split up while he eventually got a deferment since there was no way he would pass the year but other than that he did nothing. As far as I know he still does nothing and lets life happen to him.

If the ADs aren't working he either need to go back to the gp a a try something different, or he's just this type of person and it's not depression

I think people reacted strongly to the OP’s flippant way of speaking about her DH. She refers to him as a ‘glass half empty kinda guy’ and said how she’d previously liked the idea of a ‘strong silent type’.

Other than that, though, I could imagine my DH feeling like she expressed in her posts. I’m the one with MH issues, PTSD and more recently CFS and now long Covid. He’s lovely, but it’s taken its toll, especially as we also have two adopted DDs of 11 and 8 and have been under a lot of stress for a long time.

Anyway, in November, it became too much for my DH, who was also under stress from work (he’d been WFH all the way through lockdown and my own illness). He had what appeared to be a breakdown because of the stress and simply couldn’t cope anymore because of burn-out, and thought he would have to retire early. Our DDs went to stay with our BIL and SIL for a week to give him a chance to have a long rest. In the end, he had two months off work and he’s okay again.

At least in my case, I have consistently looked for help and, of course, long Covid isn’t something that can be ‘snapped out of’. Although he does also understand mental health better now, which he himself acknowledges.

For a couple to work through MH issues and difficult circumstances, they both have to be on board. The OP’s DH doesn’t appear to be and just moans in a defeatist way and doesn’t do anything to help himself.