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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of my depressed husband?

55 replies

StitchInLime · 29/08/2020 11:11

Hubby has always been a 'glass half empty' kinda guy while I've always been a 'glass half full' type. I don't tend to give up on things whereas he gives up at the first rejection/obstacle.

I knew this when we got together. Maybe it was part of the attraction, this brooding silent type.

But it's becoming too much. The pandemic has compounded it and I think he's slipped into actual depression. He's just so miserable all the time and it brings me (and I think, our daughter) down. He talks about not having any luck, nothing good happening to him (he dislikes his job and has half heartedly tried to find another but gives up at first sign of rejection). In truth, there is so much he should be grateful for! We have our health, we have our amazing daughter, we have a lovely house in a lovely area. My job has been paying well lately so I've been doing things to help, like I paid for him to have 3 months off to focus on finding a new job / focus; I paid for something to help with his hobby....to be fair, the pandemic hit in the middle of all that. But he still had some time.

He has been to Dr and on anti depressants but not making a difference.

I'm not sure how much longer I can live with the relentless sadness and negativity.

AIBU to tell him to snap the f&£k out of it or I'll leave? Or is there more I can do to help him?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 02/09/2020 15:29

I don't think you really understand depression if you are expecting him to "snap out of it".

Prettybluepigeons · 02/09/2020 15:38

It's also " for better and for worse"
If all you ever get is the worse then what's the motivation.
Living with someone with depression is draining and life altering. Yhere is only do much you can do.

Pumpkinnose · 02/09/2020 16:43

I feel for you. You sound like an optimistic go getting person. It’s bloody hard being married to someone who isn’t. You’re not alive

PurpleMonkeyDishwasher86 · 02/09/2020 17:18

YABU. Your attitude towards your husbands illness is awful. What happened to in sickness and in health? You do know he can't 'snap out of it' though, right? It's an illness. Imagine telling someone with cancer or any physical illness to snap out of it. It's the same. He can't.

I have depression. Have had for over a decade. I wish I could snap out of it, but it isn't possible. Fortunately my partner understands that.

Beelzebop · 26/01/2021 00:46

I can't really advise to be honest but I really, really understand how you feel. Your situation is remarkably similar to mine. I have a good understanding of the effects of depression, having a diagnosis myself. I therefore feel awful that I am reaching the end of my tether. Thank you for being so honest, I am sure many partners suffer like this.

user1473878824 · 26/01/2021 00:51

I commented the other day on the thread about the woman with the new boyfriend who was depressed. I will echo what I said there: it’s incredibly hard to be with someone who is depressed.

I’d also say it must be even harder to be a depressed person with such an unsympathetic, horrible wife.

katy1213 · 26/01/2021 01:02

You're not unsympathetic and horrible. You've had enough - and you're quite entitled to feel that way. It doesn't help anyone if you get dragged down, too. His depression doesn't trump your need for a bit of joy in your life. Sounds like he'll be depressed whatever you do, so you might as well suit yourself.

RootyT00t · 26/01/2021 01:07

You describe yourself as half full yet have zero empathy for your husband who is clearly depressed. Do you know anti depressants can take up to six months?

The poor man. Yes maybe you should leave - I think that would do him a favour.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 01:22

Clearly some of the goody two shoes on here have never had to live with someone with severe depression.

Even if you adore them, and they're doing all they can, it can be really really hard. It's scary. And when it affects your kids as well, there's a huge loyalty conflict. You don't want your kids damaged by what they're witnessing, but you want to help and support your DH.

It must be even harder if your DH is by nature not the best company anyway, so there's no real prospect of the sun coming out even if he gets effective treatment.

And yes, some of the advice on here is stunningly naive, as @MitziK points out.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 01:24

It's also clear that the partners of people with severe depression have no outlet. It's simply impossible to be honest about what you're going through, because people will just tear you down.

RootyT00t · 26/01/2021 01:25

@saraclara

Clearly some of the goody two shoes on here have never had to live with someone with severe depression.

Even if you adore them, and they're doing all they can, it can be really really hard. It's scary. And when it affects your kids as well, there's a huge loyalty conflict. You don't want your kids damaged by what they're witnessing, but you want to help and support your DH.

It must be even harder if your DH is by nature not the best company anyway, so there's no real prospect of the sun coming out even if he gets effective treatment.

And yes, some of the advice on here is stunningly naive, as @MitziK points out.

I can sympathise / empathise with your post.

That's the difference between yours and Op's. Her thread is all me me me "I paid, I paid, I did, I think".

If this was DH saying the things to OP she is saying about him (in fact there's a thread running just now where he says pretty much that) it would be unanimous.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 01:26

I've just re-read the OP.

OP says that because he hated his job, she paid for him to have three months off to focus on finding something else. And she helped with the purchase of something hobby related to help him with the stress. yet people are yelling at her for not being supportive?

saraclara · 26/01/2021 01:29

@RootyT00t, she mentioned those things because they were clearly the practical things she could do to help. He wasn't responding to her other efforts. And saying 'okay...you need time away from the job that's stressing you. Have three months off to regroup and find something else' is a massively supportive thing to offer.

I don't think you should be putting OP down for that.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 01:30

...and yes, when you need to unload on an anonymous board, of course it's going to be "I..." related. Virtually all MN OPs are.

RootyT00t · 26/01/2021 01:31

[quote saraclara]@RootyT00t, she mentioned those things because they were clearly the practical things she could do to help. He wasn't responding to her other efforts. And saying 'okay...you need time away from the job that's stressing you. Have three months off to regroup and find something else' is a massively supportive thing to offer.

I don't think you should be putting OP down for that.[/quote]
I'm not putting OP down.

I'm pointing out that rather than a "release" ,as you put it, her OP sounds entirely selfish (as opposed to your post which I could sympathise with, and that's the difference).

RootyT00t · 26/01/2021 01:33

@saraclara

I've just re-read the OP.

OP says that because he hated his job, she paid for him to have three months off to focus on finding something else. And she helped with the purchase of something hobby related to help him with the stress. yet people are yelling at her for not being supportive?

Nobody is "Yelling at her". Why the dramatics?

These things are all money, sara. I'd imagine DH rightly or wrongly doesn't give a shit about that. He has an illness. She's said the anti depressants don't make a difference (yet does't appear to have given them time) and can't understand why him with his time off, money on his hobby , and amazing daughter can't just "fucking snap out of it".

I don't disagree she should be allowed an outlet, but where's his?

this is the phrasing people have the issue with.

As I said, it's in the phrasing.

Shaniac · 26/01/2021 01:41

People are needlessly harsh here. Yes depression is an illness and yes it can take a long time and countless medication changes before it gets better. Ive also been on both ends of it. What people dont tell you is how hard it is living with someone with depression and how it can trigger depression in you, when its relentless, constant gloom with no timeframe of when it will get better.

Laserbird16 · 26/01/2021 01:47

Ouch. PPs sticking the boot in there

OP YANBU to feel how you do. Only you know your capacity. Living with a partner with depression is extremely hard and it isn't horrible to be frustrated, exasperated and worn out. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could whole heartedly support our partners all the time, but being human you have needs too.

What support are you accessing and how are you looking after yourself? Only you can decide when you are burnt out and it doesn't make you an insensitive jerk.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation. I am in awe of her patience and fortitude. In the years I've known her she has become better at compartmentalizing and asking for help. Her DH will often bail last minute out of social events but she still attends now so her DD doesn't miss out, same for holidays. She got a cleaner as DH couldn't work many hours but also couldn't do anything around the house as he was too ill. For her I think she deeply loves her DH but it's hard to know where the line is between can't and don't want to is with her partner. She's stopped trying to take everything on herself and makes sure she looks after herself.

Best of luck OP

orangejuicer · 26/01/2021 01:53

Given that OP posted in August she might not even see these updates...

RootyT00t · 26/01/2021 01:54

@orangejuicer

Given that OP posted in August she might not even see these updates...
Argh 👽
Shaniac · 26/01/2021 01:57

Given that OP posted in August she might not even see these updates...

Oh damn... But also how sad she got little advice in August.

Beelzebop · 26/01/2021 10:13

I have just realised how old this is. Rootytoot, you have described my life. I am the bad guy though. What the hell are you supposed to do when trying to keep your kids normal and life going? I have a son with depression already and I'm sure it's not been helped by Dad. He will not get help. I am beginning to wonder if I can do anything at all to be honest.

Indecisive12 · 26/01/2021 10:24

I understand it’s no fun being with a depressed partner but depression is an illness. An illness it seems he has also recognised and has sought treatment for. It takes time for treatment to work. The worst thing you can do with a depressed person is say ‘why are you depressed when you have a lovely home, hobbies, money, a family’ it’s not how it works.
Educate yourself on depression, find yourself some support as well then decide if you want to be that wife who leaves her husband for being unwell or if you will support him through treatment. Would you leave him if he had cancer and was going through treatment after such a short time?
Depression can be a chronic condition but it sounds like he’s struggling due to the pandemic so IMO it doesn’t signify that this is how he is always going to be. I completely understand people leaving partners with mental health problems as it does take it’s toll however your OP reads that he is seeking help but you just have no grasp on the condition and expect an immediate cure.

dontdisturbmenow · 26/01/2021 10:36

I went through a similar phase some years back. My OH was the same as yours. Telling me that I should be grateful for what I have, that my being always negative and miserable brings him down etc.. he showed to empathy at all to the fact that I hated my job but could do nothing about it then. He on the other hand loved his job.

Bring in now. He got made redundant and hates his new job that offers none of the advantages he had with the other. He is miserable and depressed. It's hard not to throw it back to his face that this was be years back and his attitude made me feel much worse. He has apologised though now that he 'understands'.

It could be you around the corner however much a glass full type of person you are.

bestbitsbetter · 26/01/2021 10:37

@MitziK, your post really hit me- you hit the nail on the head exactly about what it's like living with my depressed partner.

As other posters have said, until you have lived it, and I mean really lived it, especially through lockdown, you have no idea.