To be absolutely terrified of becoming a single mother by choice?

[lostindreams]

Even though I'm taking steps to become one? I've always thought I wanted to be a mum but as the years went by I've never felt ready (mainly because I've not had many long term relationships). But I'm 42 and really can't put it off any longer. If I had a partner I would 100% want to be a mum and I would love to experience that unconditional love and bond.

But I'm worried about doing it on my own. I own my own flat but it's a studio so I would have to move at some point (if I could even afford to by then), I don't have any family support I could rely on, I have good friends but they all have busy jobs, I'm currently working for my dream company but my job is not very secure at the moment so I could potentially be cutting my career short.

I only have money for 1 IVF attempt and it sounds like most people need multiple cycles. Most of all I worry that I will be consumed with regret if I don't at least try. I'm not asking for people to tell me whether I should become a mum or not (I know only I can decide that) but I would love to hear the cold hard truth - good and bad - about parenting especially on your own (would love to hear from other SMBCs). I feel like I already live the parent lifestyle as I'm very much a homebody. I love time on my own but sometimes my life does feel empty and I feel like all I do is work. Will I end up feeling trapped/resentful/isolated? Is it really as fulfilling as everyone makes out?

I'm a SMC with a 10yo & 7yo. At times it's not always easy, but I truly wouldn't have it any other way.

Have you had any fertility tests done? Truthfully, at 42, luck isn't really on your side in terms of statistics for IVF.

You are more likely to regret it if you don't at least try. I know a lot of other SMCs and don't know of any that have regretted their decision.

Have you found the Fertility Friends forum? That was a massive help to me when I first started out.

I have had tests done and apparently it's good for my age. I do realise I may be stressing over nothing as biology may have decided for me already! Part of me is not expecting it to work even if I do try but I need to think realistically about how it would affect my life if (on the small chance) it did.

It will make your life so much better! Ultimately, only you know in your heart what you can do.
You could always consider donor eggs too. Have you looked at treatment abroad? The costs can be lower than the UK

I think if you dont try you'll always wonder "what if". That aside, doesnt sound like you're in a great place financially so you do need to think about whether you can bear 4 years of scraping for every last penny. Whether you regret it or not depends a lot on what your life will be like with a child. So think through the scenarios- you working full time and paying childcare, no support when child is sick, no time to meet other mums? You working part time - could you make ends meet?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you have financial security and a place of your own, being a single mother is the best kept secret. I didn’t intend to be one but I would not change it for the world now tbh.

Such a great feeling to bring your kids up as you and only you see fit. And so good not to have to rely on anyone else or fit in with anyone else.

What is it that scares you?

@lostindreams I’m in the same position as you, 42 with decent AMH for our age and starting the process on my own! I actually start doing my suppression injections next Friday. I don’t know if it will work but I know I’ll regret not trying if I don’t. I also don’t know if I’m more scared that it won’t work or that it will...

Could you go for the option where you pay the clinic monthly. Leeds offer this. I’m a (relatively recent) single parent and it’s hard, so hard but I’m trying to organise myself better and ask for help more. My baby group friends have been invaluable for moral support. Family have pretty much stood by and watched me suffer which was unexpected.
My advice is you can only really depend on yourself so maybe it’s better to be alone right from the start.

It’s a massive undertaking you’re considering. If you think you can live with a small, messy, doubley incontinent person who will deprive you of sleep on work nights and sleep soundly when you have to be out of the door on time, if you’re happy to fill your tidy, organised life with strollers, toys, nappies, bottles and beakers. If attending parents evening will take preference over the final of Masterchef and a nice bottle of merlot then go for it.
What I’m trying to very clumsily say is, children aren’t all white babygro’s and pink cheeked cherubs, they’re hard work, they can break you when you’re part of a couple, doing it alone and at 40+ is something to be admired. I know I couldn’t do that. Only you know if you’re strong enough, but please don’t be under any illusions. Doing it alone is hard, especially when they cry for the umpteenth time that night and nobody else is there to give you a break.
What ever you choose, I wish you well.

I forgot to add the important bit...dur. I was having fertility treatment, I had had a few procedures and was waiting for my first round of ivf when I fell pregnant on my own! We had waited so long that we didn’t bother with contraception after she was born and I ended up pregnant again within weeks. I had 3 children under two years old and I don’t think I could have done it by myself.

Not trying to put you off such a personal decision, but have a read of wearedonorcon ceived.com to read the views of the children of donor egg/sperm. American site so does have some slightly different issues but still worth reading before going ahead so you can have an idea how your future children might feel about it.

If you are on Facebook there are a number of forums, search for Solo mum by choice as that is the term most are using now. There is lots of advice from members at all stages of the journey. I have done it myself and it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done but I was 100% certain I did not want to go through life without a child. My friend wants to be a mother but does not want to do it without a partner so is struggling to come to terms with the thought that she might never have children. I would recommend joining the forums on Facebook to help you consider your decision.

I've been a single parent since my son was around 6 months old and I love it. I have no family support so there is very little opportunity for some time to myself but I wouldn't want it. I think I've never been awsy from my son for more than 2 hours apart from to go to work. Its also a bit difficult keeping on top of the housework but I've learnt tricks to save time and be more efficient. Being a single parent means there is no one to argue with about parenting methods and discipline and you're not trying to keep a partner happy as well as a child.

I delayed ending my relationship because I was scared of becoming a single parent but what I was imagining was no where near the reality and its a lot easier than I expected.

You'll always regret it if you don't try.
If it doesn't work out, I've seen some wonderful foster families where a single 40+ has fostered a child and they've formed a wonderful bond. Several went on to adopt the child so that may be something to look at?

@Rigamorph

Not trying to put you off such a personal decision, but have a read of wearedonorcon ceived.com to read the views of the children of donor egg/sperm. American site so does have some slightly different issues but still worth reading before going ahead so you can have an idea how your future children might feel about it.

You're right, there are some very negative views on that website. Mostly, they come from people who found out an an older age that they were DC. Honesty is always the best policy and there is more likelihood of children growing up being more secure about their genetic heritage if they have always known that they're DC.

I’d suggest moving to a bigger place while you’re pregnant, if you do conceive. You’ll find it so hard moving with a newborn and babies quickly become toddlers who need more space!

I have one DS with DH and I’ve found it so, so hard. I could never in all good conscience recommend going it alone in the first instance, sorry. Maybe different for different women who have less tough times of it, and if it’s this way or not doing it at all then maybe it’s your only option.

I’m a 38-year-old SMBC to a two-year-old DD.

It is non-stop and I’m lucky to have a supportive family. A support network of family/friends makes all the difference IMO. Although, it has to be said that some single parents seem to manage on their own, even though that must be very, very tough.

I was thrilled with the baby I got - she was absolutely adorable - but if I’m honest, I didn’t enjoy the baby stage as much as I expected. It could be relentless and tedious, the feeds, the nappy changes, the nursery rhymes and building towers out of cups. Hour after hour, week after week and month after month. The toddler stage brings new challenges and frustrations. However, I’ve never regretted having DD. She amazes me all the time.

Financially, I was lucky that I owned my own flat (albeit only a one-bedroom), and had paid off most of the mortgage. My monthly mortgage payments were were very small, which really helped when I was on maternity leave. I would like to upgrade soon, though.

I have to admit, I couldn’t afford full-time childcare for DD. My parents look after her two days per week, which I do feel a bit guilty about as they’re nearly 70. However, many married couples I know also rely on childcare from grandparents. Most of them, in fact. I should probably look into whether I’m entitled to tax credits.

Before I started treatment, I contacted the Donor Conception Network. They were really helpful, and sent me details of studies into the outcomes for donor-conceived children. These were much more positive than I’d feared. The person I spoke to at the DCN said that the stories on websites such as wearedonorconceived.com aren’t a representative sample.

That makes sense to me. After all, you don’t tend to hear from the donor-conceived people who aren’t that bothered or who have no interest in the donor (and they certainly do exist). You do hear a lot from angst-ridden teenagers, people who found out the truth in a traumatic way, and those born from anonymous donation. That’s not to say that you can guarantee a happy outcome for your child by using a identity-release donor and telling them the truth sensitively from a young age. But it helps.

VestaTilley if I get pregnant I don't think I can afford to move as I will need to keep my savings for the first 3 years for childcare etc. And using my savings will mean I have less money for a deposit so who knows if I will be able to afford a bigger place especially as I might have to go part time.

CatSmith, yes I am worried about how I will cope when there is no one to take the burden off me even for a few hours so I can nap after a sleepless night. And basically doing everything by myself. I know I would enjoy the freedom of making all the decisions on my own but never being able to switch off seems like such a huge undertaking.

thepeopleversuswork everything scares me! I'm a very anxious person and I just wonder how people with anxiety cope with being a mum. I worry about resenting a child if I have one because I would have to make so many sacrifices but I'm also worried about lying on my deathbed and wishing that I had had kids if I don't.

I'm a single mum and I also work. It's the hardest job in the world I will not lie to you. But.. My daughter has beautiful manners, is so kind and gentle and respectful and loving she affectionate and that's because of me and only me.. So when I'm having a down day or worrying about things that keeps me going.. When I first became a single mum it was just a case of muddling through and taking each day as it came. Now we have a beautiful house, my daughter is settled and we're happy x

I don't think it sounds like a good idea to be honest.

I'm a single mum by choice. Best thing I've ever done.

I'm now 43 with DC 6 .... most perfect thing I have ever achieved.

I don't think it sounds like a good idea either.

You said your job might not be secure. What are you going to do if you find out you're pregnant and made redundant? You're then competing for jobs amongst other similar people who aren't pregnant.

You live in a studio flat. Is it going to be enough space for another person? That's going to have to last you a long time from the sounds of it. 3 years for childcare, meaning all savings gone so you have to start saving again, unless you own the studio and can upgrade without needing much more savings. What if you end up still living there when the child is 10 years old?

No family support either or friends who can help so all childcare costs are on you.

It's your life, but in your circumstances no way would I even try.

@lostindreams I'm a solo parent by choice to 2 children, a 5 and a half year old and 18 month old. I'm 42. Honestly it's the best thing I could have done, I see so many people with partners who are uninvolved, lazy, selfish... I'm so happy doing it by myself. My decisions, my choices, my parenting. I'm lucky that I have my family close by, but during lockdown I had no one to help for weeks and I managed. It's not easy but life without my children is unimaginable now. I never though that I deserved this much happiness and love. I believe that you regret the things you don't do. There are lots of us solo mums and lots of different avenues of support. Go for it!

Friend and her dc lived in a studio for several years.
Another friend, her dh and 2 dc lived in a 1 bed flat till youngest was 12.

Personally I don’t think you should worry about the future too much.
If you don’t do this now, once you have got everything in place it could be too late.

I would think a lot of pregnancies are never perfectly planned with everything lined up 100%

Who knows you might get redundancy and a job offer in a cheaper part of the country where you can afford a house.

Go for it! It is hard and doing it alone won't be easy but if you want it, do it. If IVF doesn't work you could adopt. Could you move to an area where a 2 bed is achievable?

Can you imagine your life 10 years from now... what do you envisage for your life. Is it stability and financial security, the chance to do the things you enjoy? Is it a feeling that you'd like to have a young person who may/may not look like you, who depends on you for absolutely everything and takes it for granted you have all the answers but has little appreciation for the work it takes to ensure they are able to take all that for granted. Parenting is hard, there are so many worries and I swear you will feel vulnerable and out of your depth most days... all that said I wouldn't swap a moment with my kids. They take everything and expect you to sacrifice all you have but my God I swear I'd cut off an arm to ensure they are happy and safe.

I doubt your child will fully appreciate everything you've done for them until you are too old to realise they get it. That said the moment your baby snuggles into you and you smell the person you have created that depends on you 100% nothing will ever be the same again.

Only you can decide how much you want a baby. I'd have had children alone if necessary, it's tough but I know I'd have found life a whole lot harder if i'd never had a chance to be a mum.