Page 3 | To be absolutely terrified of becoming a single mother by choice?

KeepingPlain · 29/08/2020 17:24

@SoloMummy

The difference is, those women who wanted a child desperately wanted one, and were suffering psychologically from not having one. They have wanted one for years usually and struggled to have one. Op has admitted she's not even felt a biological urge to have a child yet and wouldn't be bothered if time wasn't running out. It sounds more like she's got a fear of missing out rather than needing to have a baby.

Her situation isn't secure either, she's admitted that herself. Other women who have children with no owned home or income usually have a home through the council and benefits coming in. Op may not even be eligible for anything other than child benefit. So how is she going to upgrade to a bigger house in London? She can't do that now, let alone with a child. Having a mortgage with no job isn't a situation you want to be in either.

I don't need to have been in the same situation to know this is a bad idea. Others are agreeing. Even op knows its not a good idea hence why she's asking about it. She doesn't have the savings for both house and baby, lives in a studio flat with no chance to upgrade if she has a baby, possibly losing her job soon no doubt thanks to covid. It just makes zero sense.

Normalmumandwife · 29/08/2020 17:27

Does it have to be IVF? Could you have a FWB that might oblige ?

cocog · 29/08/2020 17:33

They don’t put your career choice on your headstone, you’re life achievement is your legacy ie your children. I could not imagine not having children. I personally would throw every penny you have at trying to become a parent if that’s what you want The pieces will fall into place the accommodation will be fine! once little one goes to school you can think about moving. Try to keep to space saving furniture for the child keep pushchair in your car or buy a decent foldable stroller if you don’t have one. You can get lots of space saving ideas in ikea! Put your name down for a good nursery early pregnancy. I’ve been a single parent and now have more children as a couple single parent with a good routine was easier by far! If ivf didn’t work you have the rest of your life to build savings but you only have a few years in which you can have a child and regret it massively if you don’t try! Good luck!

Thisismytimetoshine · 29/08/2020 17:35

It really doesn't sound like a good idea to me. It will be financially disastrous and tbh the "mini best friend" thing sounds quite concerning.

piscean10 · 29/08/2020 18:12

I think you do owe it to yourself to try. Wishing you luck.

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 29/08/2020 18:13

"The pieces will fall into place" - that's meaningless almost dangerous advice. If she loses her job she could lose everything and have an extra mouth to feed.

That aside, babies arent mini best friends they are hard work. It's well and good to say you enjoy being a homebody but thats because you have a choice. It's not much fun when it's the only option.

Sleepless nights, relentless slog, precarious financial situation ? I get the desire for kids, but this situation doesnt sound like the right set up.

Elsewyre · 29/08/2020 18:17

@lostindreams

Even though I'm taking steps to become one? I've always thought I wanted to be a mum but as the years went by I've never felt ready (mainly because I've not had many long term relationships). But I'm 42 and really can't put it off any longer. If I had a partner I would 100% want to be a mum and I would love to experience that unconditional love and bond.

But I'm worried about doing it on my own. I own my own flat but it's a studio so I would have to move at some point (if I could even afford to by then), I don't have any family support I could rely on, I have good friends but they all have busy jobs, I'm currently working for my dream company but my job is not very secure at the moment so I could potentially be cutting my career short.

I only have money for 1 IVF attempt and it sounds like most people need multiple cycles. Most of all I worry that I will be consumed with regret if I don't at least try. I'm not asking for people to tell me whether I should become a mum or not (I know only I can decide that) but I would love to hear the cold hard truth - good and bad - about parenting especially on your own (would love to hear from other SMBCs). I feel like I already live the parent lifestyle as I'm very much a homebody. I love time on my own but sometimes my life does feel empty and I feel like all I do is work. Will I end up feeling trapped/resentful/isolated? Is it really as fulfilling as everyone makes out?

I'd just say at no point in any of this do you seem to actually think of the child.

It's all just me, me, me and some fantasy about how it will improve your life and fulfil your needs.

This seems very much like the start of a puppy is for life not just for Christmas story

Bigdogsmalldog · 31/08/2020 12:55

I'd just say at no point in any of this do you seem to actually think of the child.
It's all just me, me, me and some fantasy about how it will improve your life and fulfil your needs.

Perhaps because she knows the child will be loved and cared for and so doesn't need to mention it. What is up for discussion is will she be able to cope as a single parent, will she enjoy motherhood or would she prefer to carry on without a child, which is why those are the points she has focused on.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2020 13:33

The pieces will fall into place" - that's meaningless almost dangerous advice. If she loses her job she could lose everything and have an extra mouth to feed

But things do fall into place. You work with what you have.

lostindreams has her own place and a job.

If she lost her job then she wouldn’t have to worry about childcare. We have a benefits system that would help till she can get the next job. If it is in a cheaper area then she could find herself being able to buy a much bigger place for less money than her studio
and everything working out.

No one knows what is going to happen in life so not doing something because something might or might not happen or it isn’t the right time will only lead to regret.

Thisismytimetoshine · 31/08/2020 13:54

If she lost her job then she wouldn’t have to worry about childcare. We have a benefits system that would help till she can get the next job. If it is in a cheaper area then she could find herself being able to buy a much bigger place for less money than her studio and everything working out.
A life on benefits is a very real possibility in op's situation. Do you really think this is an example of things falling into place and everything working out??
It really isn't an aspirational life choice for most people. You personally might feel different, but it's shit advice.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2020 14:36

It was in answer to the attitude if op lost her job the sky would fall down.

People have children with a lot less than op has going for her.
If everyone waited till they had a 4 bed detached house, at least enough savings for the rest of their life and a steady reliable job (although there are no steady reliable jobs) then no one but the very rich would have children.

Ted27 · 31/08/2020 15:14

@Oliversmumsarmy the issue here is not that the OP doesnt live in a 4 bed detached with huge savings. She lives in a studio apartment, that usually means no separate bedroom, on a practical level where is this child supposed to go? Her job is already precarious.
Plus she likes the idea of a mini best friend, thinks she lives a parent life style because she is a homebody and likes time on her own. She's not even sure she wants a child.

@lostindreams, I'm a single mum by choice by adoption. I sympathise with your dilemma up to a point. You want to know what its like to be a single mum - well its hard, as is being a parent in a couple.
But children are not best friends - I have a cracking son, we get on well, we have a great time together, but its not my job to be his friend, its my job to parent him.
Being a home body is not a parent lifestyle - at the moment you have freedom to stay in, go out, do what you want. With a child your life is dictated by your child's needs.
Where will this child actually fit? Have you got space for a cot, pram, all the other baby stuff, where will you both sleep. Can you imagine a winter's afternoon in your studio apartment, you can't get out, you have a screaming baby or an annoying toddler who wants to watch episodes of Peppa Pig back to back, you literally have nowhere else to escape to for 5 minutes peace and quiet.
I love my boy, I don't regret it for a minute, but its hard work going it alone. Don't do it unless you are sure

nanbread · 31/08/2020 17:00

It's great, the best thing in life, but it's fucking hard - even with a partner. You could have an easy baby, or a tricky one. Quite a few of my friends are childless by choice and they all have really great careers, lots of money, time, freedom, they seem happy. On the other hand I have friends who were doing pretty well beforehand but say having children gave their life meaning. There's no one route to happiness and fulfillment.

Can you afford childcare like a mother's help or au pair? I would strongly advise getting help of some sort lined up in advance if you do get pregnant. Good luck whatever you decide.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/08/2020 17:26

Ted27

Friend lived in a studio with her dc.

2 families I know lived in 1 bed flats with 2 children. Children had the bedroom and parents had a bed settee.

They lived like that till the children were teens.

It might not be ideal in some people’s eyes but people do live in studios and 1 bed flats with children

MumtoEDSDD · 31/08/2020 17:32

I'm a single parent to a child with disabilities. Not through choice. Been on my own for over 3 years now. DD is 6.

She does see her dad but I'm basically on my own apart from 2 days a month and the good bits like school plays.

It's hardwork, when she's ill it falls to me to take time off work, I have had to sacrifice my career.

But its honestly amazing. She's the cutust funniest little girl ever. When she's not with me I get told by her teachers and other parents she's polite.

Every decision to do with her I make. It can be hard at times, but it was also nice to know I could put down what schools I wanted when applying for those and not have an argument about someone else's family views or what they want for my DD. The big medical decisions have been hard and I've tried to include ExH but he just shrugs and says it's up to me which can be hard as I do question whether it's the right thing for her.

Overall I love being on my own with her.

Jk987 · 01/09/2020 12:57

Another thing to consider is that your Mr Right might be round the corner and he may have kids you could develop a lovely relationship with. Going through fertility treatment, pregnancy and bringing up a baby might take you away from the dating scene for a long time. This may not matter to you but thought I’d mention it.

TweeBree · 01/09/2020 13:22

Do it. All the doomsday scenarios given above could happen to people in relationships, too.

Sunbird24 · 01/09/2020 13:46

@Jk987 I’m sure you meant that kindly, but whether or not a woman might meet a man with his own kids that she could have a lovely step relationship with really shouldn’t be a factor in her decision as to whether she wants to try and have her own children or not.
Totally agree with your point that it would likely take her away from the dating scene for a few years, but who knows how long it would take to meet someone nice anyway?

yakj67 · 01/09/2020 14:08

I knew someone in your situation. She didn't have money for IVF though, so she just had a lot of one night stands until she ended up pregnant... She seems happy now.

Welikebeingcosy · 01/09/2020 14:27

I would say I'd you're the type of person who loves being outdoors all day and can prep a packed lunch then you dont need to move to a bigger apartment for a while. I lived in a women and childrens homeless shelter for nine months and the kids were so happy even with such little space because they had loads I'd activities in the common areas. Just mininise what you own and dont buy tonnes of clothes and toys as you can entertain them all day at libraries toddler groups etc and nurseries are rammed with toys. Obviously when the lockdown is over as toddler groups and libraries still closed.

The only thing is make sure you ask for help and support from local amenities whenever you need it. If you need a counsellor to support you or extra support from a health visitor etc. Dont fall into the trap of believing you shouldn't ask for help because you chose your path. Good luck!