To be absolutely terrified of becoming a single mother by choice?

[lostindreams]

Even though I'm taking steps to become one? I've always thought I wanted to be a mum but as the years went by I've never felt ready (mainly because I've not had many long term relationships). But I'm 42 and really can't put it off any longer. If I had a partner I would 100% want to be a mum and I would love to experience that unconditional love and bond.

But I'm worried about doing it on my own. I own my own flat but it's a studio so I would have to move at some point (if I could even afford to by then), I don't have any family support I could rely on, I have good friends but they all have busy jobs, I'm currently working for my dream company but my job is not very secure at the moment so I could potentially be cutting my career short.

I only have money for 1 IVF attempt and it sounds like most people need multiple cycles. Most of all I worry that I will be consumed with regret if I don't at least try. I'm not asking for people to tell me whether I should become a mum or not (I know only I can decide that) but I would love to hear the cold hard truth - good and bad - about parenting especially on your own (would love to hear from other SMBCs). I feel like I already live the parent lifestyle as I'm very much a homebody. I love time on my own but sometimes my life does feel empty and I feel like all I do is work. Will I end up feeling trapped/resentful/isolated? Is it really as fulfilling as everyone makes out?

It doesn't sound like a good idea to be honest. It's one thing to be a single mother by choice, but who would choose to be a fatherless child?
Plus you are anxious and financially insecure. You could be setting yourself up for years of penniless loneliness.

It doesn’t sound right for YOU.

Your living situation is not ideal.

You have no support. I didn’t rely on any help, but I did have my mum around and DH, when he finally got home from work. It’s hard being a mum even with support. It’s a maternal prison. You can’t do what you want, when you want; you can’t sleep or wake up when YOU want. For years. They really don’t take over and control your life, even with support.

You have anxiety. Trust me, with a baby, this will get worse.

You don’t have much financial back up.

You are 42. You are likely to need donor eggs. Just because you may have a good reserve, it doesn’t mean the quality is as needed. Even if you do use your own eggs, the chances of abnormalities is much higher. Not to mention the high chance of miscarriage and other potential pregnancy complications at your age.

IVF is hard. It will be harder on your own. My chances of conceiving through IVF when I was just 33 were only 26%. I was lucky.

You only have enough money for one cycle. You’ll pin all your hopes on it and you will be devastated if it doesn’t work, with no hope of another chance.

I'm a solo mum. And yes there have been one time where it would have been nice to have passed the buck when making a decision in the last 8-9 years from when I started my ttc, pregnancy and had my beautiful school aged child.
Being a solo mummy honestly is the best decision ever. Like you I am an older mummy. However, I was told I'd never conceive so the issues were slightly different.
In your scenario, I'd look at how much finance you have, how much you could raise in addition?
Either way, in your position, I'd why you have a job be looking at moving, be it moving further out so that instead of a studio you have a more pleasant home. By selling now you don't have to worry about stamp duty so will be saving loads and presumably could add a little extra in. I get your role may not be secure, but tbh right now very few genuinely are.
Re treatment - depending on your savings level, I would lol at going abroad and getting treatment. Statistically donor eggs has more than double the success rates. And you can often get a 3 cycle package for equivalent or just a little more than a cycle in UK. For example in Greece serum.
I would also look at fertility friends as they have brilliant advice and support that will be more upto date than mine.

I would have regretted never being a mum more than anything else in my life. But I would have regretted never trying more than anything.
Financially, you may n2need 3 years worth of childcare money as it may actually may make more sense to earn less and possibly receive a top up, than work ft earning more technically but liable for all costs and not eligible for any top ups.
I was a sahm and then once school age I recommenced working. I have tbh, it was the best decision I ever made and was totally right my lo. Yes before like you I was very career driven, but once lo appeared that drive evaporated and now I simply work to live. And have opted for part time to be available for my child as much as possible and always be able to attend school events etc.

I have to say that I totally disagree with @Osirus.

@SoloMummy

So you think it's a good idea to have a baby when you're not sure you'll have a job soon, live in a very small flat and have zero support?

I'm curious as to why? I could get why op would be having a baby if she really really wanted it, even in her situation, but she's having concerns about her situation and that's never going to be a good idea to go into having kids when you're not 100% dedicated to it. She's worried about regretting not having them, what happens if she regrets having a child? Pnd would be likely to happen, and with anxiety that's going to be a horrible time for her. Alone.

I agree with osirus unfortunately. It sucks, but the circumstances just sound like it will likely end up a disaster. It just doesn't sound like a good choice for her. You said for her to sell her studio, but from what she's said she doesn't have enough money to buy anything bigger. She has savings for 3 years of childcare and that's it. If she uses that on a deposit, no childcare money then. If she uses it on a deposit, and then loses her job, she'll likely lose the house and be back to renting as she'll have no savings to pay the mortgage. I think you were in a better situation financially than the op, that's why you could manage. That's great for you, but the circumstances are not the same, and we are in a very unstable time right now.

Noone can tell you because all babies, toddlers kids and teenagers are different and we all adjust to motherhood differently too.

When my best friend announced she was pregnant at 39 and was going to do it alone I was horrified. She was a very self centered woman (not meant in a bad way, she could be as she was only responsible for herself), a bit brain scaterred and had always claimed she wasn't mother material.

As it turned out, she had the easiest baby, rarely crying, happy with everything thrown at her, was travelling the world from the time she was 3 months old and continued to be an easy child. My friend took on motherhood like she'd had 10 already and is the best mum in the world.

I myself found it much much harder despite having much experience of looking after kids, and although not much support but more than her. My babies though all suffered from bad colic, cried all the time, needed constant attention, only slept being rocked and would wake up at the slightest noise or movement.

In the end, you have to go with what you think is right. Give it a try and then accept whatever happens, however hard it is.

So you think it's a good idea to have a baby when you're not sure you'll have a job soon, live in a very small flat and have zero support

I think given ops age she can’t leave it till everything is perfect and I think very few people get pregnant with everything perfectly planned out. Life has a habit of throwing you some curved balls.

She owns her own place, probably if she gets made redundant she will get a pay off and lots of people have zero support and manage.

It's a bit of a controversial subject but would you be better off considering having a baby with a gay man or couple? It would mean not having the child fulltime but it would also mean that you have financial help and support. You wouldn't be doing it alone. You would have to be on the same page regarding parenting and the future and you'd need an ironclad contact agreement set up but it might be an option for you. It would also mean you can try home insemination first before trying ivf.

Personally I wouldn't have a child unless I felt my life would be completely unfulfilled without one.
Children are really hard work, they are often boring, they are very expensive, they always come first.
I think it's important that you feel you can't live without a child rather than this is my last chance.
I didn't feel particularly fulfilled having a baby, I mostly felt knackered and was skint for years. But at least I was 21 and had tons of energy.
I never wanted another - I didn't find it particularly enjoyable.
Its probably better without a partner though, I find most men are too selfish for children and you will feel like piggy in the middle all of the time with two people pulling you in different directions and trying to please everyone.
Being a mum is easier on your own. Well I thought so anyway.

Given your situation, there is no way I'd be having a baby. What would you do if the baby were born with severe disabilities that would prevent you from ever returning to work? You have no support system, inadequate living conditions, and a financial position that is already on shaky ground.

I would not even consider having a baby if I were you.

Regarding the studio, is there a possibility to build a wall to create a small bedroom for the child and you sleeping on a sofabed?

I think you need to build, find, accept, some kind of support network. Friends, family, paid help.
The job - it is often just a job at the start - is unrelenting. Husbands and partners are often useless but parents and friends can help. You will need a break. You will need help. Your child deserves other adults in her life, it's too hard alone.

I think given ops age she can’t leave it till everything is perfect and I think very few people get pregnant with everything perfectly planned out. Life has a habit of throwing you some curved balls.

She owns her own place, probably if she gets made redundant she will get a pay off and lots of people have zero support and manage.

Yeah she'd get some kind of pay off but we don't know how much that would be. If she's only been there a short time, it will be small and doubtful it will pay off the mortgage fully, so she'd still have to make payments on benefits.

She can't wait til everything is perfect though, no. But this just seems far too risky to take the chance.

Why are you considering having a DC? The overwhelming impression I get is that you are worried you might regret not doing so in later life. There's no suggestion that you would feel incomplete, no biological urge, none of these overwhelming feelings that women who know for sure that they want DC often talk about.

It's quite the gamble and this is full responsibility for another human being we are talking about here, not an acca down the bookies. There is no guarantee of anything. People can and do regret having children.

Perhaps ask yourself why you think you might regret not doing so. Is it because you are scared of being elderly and alone? DC are no guarantee that this won't happen and in any case, that's a dreadful burden to place on a child.

People end up alone in old age because they have behaved badly towards others, because the family have upped and left for Oz, because they didn't develop any social life outside the husband and children. Those who maintain friendships, widen their social circles, accept invitations and treat others well remain surrounded by others.

I'm 42 op. Currently cuddling my 8 week old. I've got older children and although married have mainly looked after this one on my own. It's blissful. I would go for it. Fingers crossed for you.

ViciousJackdaw I love the idea of having a mini best friend. I was very close to my mum before she died and would love to have a similar relationship with a child (although it took many years to get there!). But it's true, I thought the biological urge would be overwhelming by now but if it wasn't for the fact that time is running out I could happily put this decision off for a few more years.

SoloMummy I have looked into clinics abroad - Serum sounds like a good option - but I'm concerned about starting a cycle and then a second lockdown being announced. I can afford to move to a bigger place OR do IVF - I don't have money to do both unfortunately as a single woman in London.

Osirus I do find life pretty relentless and exhausting now and that's just taking care of me so I wonder how I would cope with this 'maternal prison' you describe.

Thank you for all your replies - they're all very helpful and insightful.

I'd try if I was you. Better than to live with regret for the rest of your life.

I would also go for it if that's what you really want. People have been having babies at inopportune moments in history since time began. I'd say don't do it if you were living in poverty and no hope of earning any time soon. That's not your situation.

According to some of the posters on here, only rich people should have kids.

@KeepingPlain
Have you been in the same situation?
If not, then your judgements are imo ill informed.
From the advantageous position of having children with a partner, even if you regret your partner choices later is entirely different to the situation the op finds herself in.
In an ideal works, you're right I'd advocate having sufficient financial backing etc. Sadly in her 40s and alone, she doesn't have that option. And tbh her position is a hell of a lot more secure than many of the women who get randomly pregnant with no home, income etc. And rarely do many women actually get with optimal situations.
I know of women who have regretted having children. All of them with a partner. Of the many hundreds of women I have contact with who are solo mothers by choice, none have ever said this. Now obviously it could happen. But I think much more rarely, as often the regrets are based on them thinking they were entering motherhood with an equal partner and then find they're pretty much doing all of the parenting whilst their ohs life continues as before.

I also know of many women who have been incredibly depressed, some suicidal at not having a child.

I’ve adopted. My toddler son has been home for three months. He’s currently in the bath while I sob in the hallway outside the door. I feel terrible (headache and being sick most of the day) and as he’s been teething I’ve been getting 3-5 hours sleep a night for several weeks. I can’t leave him with anyone and nor do I want to but I’m exhausted and need a hug. He’s full on. I’d love a bath and a sleep. I’d love someone to tidy up my living room and entertain him so I can zone out. But I can’t. Some days being his mother is wonderful. Some days, like today, I feel very very sorry for myself.

Aquamarine1029
Given your situation, there is no way I'd be having a baby. What would you do if the baby were born with severe disabilities that would prevent you from ever returning to work? You have no support system, inadequate living conditions, and a financial position that is already on shaky ground.

I totally agree.

You say: I love the idea of having a mini best friend A mother needs to be far more than that. You need to guide, educate, discipline and there may be times when they will hate you and possibly even you hate them.

Sorry maybe I'm being really stupid here but why do you need to go through IVF if your fertility is ok - can't the iui for example be done to see if it works first?.I'd imagine it would be much less expensive and unpleasant etc.

I also read that IVF can actually be less likely to achieve a healthy pregnancy in older women because it causes lots of eggs to be produced, without normal/natural selection; whereas your very clever body tends to release the most viable at ovulation. So perhaps some chemical pregnancies that go nowhere but if it sticks, for lack of a nicer way of putting it, it's good good chances. And without the pain and expense of IVF.

Ubiquinol/Q10 is also supposed to help egg qualify.

*got a good chance