I have really struggled this week. My youngest was back at sch and now at his dads today , overnight. I am only adult in my home and its been all Tik Tok and teenage life here this week and in fact all lockdown.
I looked at 2020 calendar on back of kitchen door earlier today, no social engagements at all since Dec 19 , and that was work's xmas party.
All the " friends" who planned to come to mine over this summer never materialised. Never acted or responded to my invites or never reciprocated for those where it was my turn to go to them, having been here at mine 3 and 4 times plus. I looked at August and it was just bin days and Direct Debits on the calendar. I am looking at Sept and more of the same. There is a dentist appointment there to look forward to!
I have had no txts, no WhatsApp's, no emails, no phone-calls for months now, since Feb and even the ones i did were "hope you are well" " chat soon" responses to me. I am not a fool, i know "chat soon" is cannot be arsed!!
I am looking through my phone address book to see who may want to socialise , that i have not already tried. I'm left with the window cleaner and the guy who exterminated a wasps nest for me 2yrs ago. It just really sucks.
I just don't think people really see lonely people. No one can be bothered. When your life is full you do not see others whose life is not. Everyone i know has come through lockdown fine , in fact they have all treated it as early xmas, extended summer holiday and some have deliberately isolated themselves from work for weeks , with faux flu like symptoms just to prove their worth at work, have a break and make a point . Nothing wrong with them.
It is really hard to look at yourself and see how naive you have been with regards to your friends. It also hard to look and see that your neighbours ultimately don't care either. It is hard to see no one cares I live in a village, i thought people would care. I see now you have be descended here for 1000 's of years, i have only lived here 9 yrs. I guess i do not meet the criteria.
It's just really hard to see generally that people don't care. I have always cared for people and my friends, i have always put myself out for them all. I guess i assumed that people would also care for me and do the same. I am middle aged and only now starting to see how people work. Very hard and sobering lesson.
I thought Covid may have been a turning point, it wasn't. As a PP suggested , i am an extrovert, i like to be surrounded by people. I am outgoing and confident. I have no family so friends are important as i have no family support network, friends are all i have.
It hurts when i see other people surrounded by people and living their best lives. Am i that invisible or do they simply not care? I have to assume that people just do not care! People around me know i have no family and still they ignore me.
I am just cooking myself dinner now and looking on Netflix for another something to watch after bath. Another weekend following another week of the same. Looking out my window and life and people are there living and communicating and enjoying each other. Knocking on doors and windows and talking in the street. I was outside all day today tending to the front of my house, people said hello but no one stopped, no one enquired, no one bothered ! They say Hello as they continue to walk, they don't stop. They " stop" for others. Same with the old sch mums. They stop for other mums they have known decades but say "hello" to me while still moving.
Maybe i need to be in a bit more of a hurry to fit in with people these days!!