My lockdown life exactly the same as my normal life

[OtissReadingtoomuch]

Anyone else noticed their lockdown life is pretty much representative of their normal life? I didn't hear from anyone prior to lockdown, and that is not unusual. Don't hear from anyone now either!

Have work colleagues, and "mum" friends, arranged with all of them to do garden meet up's in the summer hols. ( at mine , as usual and at my expense as always, because i never get invited anywhere as i am chintzy and house proud and people assume i will judge their homes even though i never have... nor ever will. ) If i do not organise socials , no one will , ones that i am party to anyway.

We are all fit as fiddles , no shielding family issues at all. I kept in contact since March, if i don't text, waiting for someone to take the initiative, no one bothers. All the summer garden meet-ups i was really depending on for social interaction, not happened. No one has contacted me to arrange. I have not followed up as i do not want to appear desperate and clingy.

I have been on my own now, with my youngest DC since, March. No family as i am NC, and i moved to a new area 9 yrs ago where everyone has their own friends and and family. I have been into work but i am not from around here and i clearly do not fit in, despite my best efforts and respect of local traditions.

I found lockdown a great leveller, but lockdown has ended now and i am still in "lockdown". I know i need to move back to my hometown but i cannot do that for at least 3 yrs due to youngest critical years schooling.

How can i continue to live a lockdown style life for another 3 yrs? I have effectively done it for 9 yrs already and i am getting older. How do i cope with another 3 yrs lockdown?

Yes, what @Caplin said. Do you actually know from their own mouths that people don’t invite you to their houses because they think you’re ‘chintzy and houseproud’, and hence judgemental, or is that you speculating?

If they think this — or even if you think they do — WHY do they think it?

@Caplin yes, I have done exactly that. I have said i am lonely and not seen anymore since March. I have also invited friends and colleagues over to me, they never follow up/come.

@Caplin i am not salty nor am i woe is me. I am an independent single mum who is lonely, moved away from her hone town years ago and despite her best efforts , and believe me i have best efforted , is alone and been since March. I have no family. I have reached out to friends and neighbours ,i have been honest. I cannot keep asking people.

Reality is no one cares. Does not make me a bad person. There are others on this thread experienced the same. I am a good and nice person,still no one cares. I am not woe is me, i am asking for asking advice how to get over the hurt that induces. I am house proud and i know friends have commented on it before, they have said they would be embarrassed to have me at their house. I have never ever criticised anyones house ever! This is their issue but becomes mine when they won't have me over.

I get it, no one cares enough to call/txt/ knock on my door/ spend time with me/ invite me over/ come to mine. It happens, its life.

I just posted here in the hope that i was not the only one, i'm not. People have been supportive to me and i am appreciative.

You could volunteer to be a befreinder in your area. Basically someone who visits other elderly people in your local area who are themselves feeling lonely. This could help pass the next few years and give you a sense of purpose outside of your children.

@Caplin my last post sounds salty but its not. I was just trying to get all my points out. Basically, yes i have reached out and said i am lonely, nadda.

Also friends have told me they would be embarrassed to have me over, even when i said that means i miss out on events. They said yes! I cannot tell you what my sch mum friends and neighbours houses are like inside as i have always been left on doorstep and never been in. That is gods honest truth. I always have people here because if i didn't i would see no one.

OP, I could have written your post. I've lived in my town for the same length of time as you, and don't have any friends or social life, only work colleagues. Like you, I can't move now due to dc's stage of schooling. I'm a single parent with health conditions, and no one contacted me during lockdown to see if we were ok. I feel sad that despite the media encouraging people to contact others who might be lonely, no one thought of me and that I might appreciate some adult communication. Lockdown for me was no different to my normal life as I had nothing to miss.

It's felt like I'm the only person in this situation, but I guess your thread has shown that there are a few of us out there! I also want to try to change things going forwards - just don't know where to start.

@theliverpoolone you have put so eloquently what i was trying to say.

I am really sorry you have had same. I plan to move away when youngest DC finished sch. I am hoping things will improve for me then. Have you thought about moving in the future? I guess you are a scouser, will you go back to the Pool? I am looking at Manchester or Liverpool for my next move. Somewhere with a bit of character!

Same here, life isn't any different, I'm disabled & housebound, maybe seen more of ds due to school being closed but that's all.

OP I am on the same boat. Only difference is that I have now stopped inviting people. It kept breaking my heart being the only one making efforts and keeping in touch. I am also not bothered about making friends. I would love some, but real friends are extremely rare.

Instead I am focusing on me, my family and work. It may sound boring to some, but at the end of the day you can't force people to be your friend, whereas you can work on yourself, your family and work.

With solidarity.

@OtissReadingtoomuch

That is shitty if they are basically r Ed using to invite you, I would probably distance (not just social distance) as you clearly haven’t found friends right for you.

What about family, have you been clear to them about what you need? You may come off as too independent and capable?

I had counselling a while back (for work stress), and it was interesting as it flagged that even though I never thought of myself as a victim, I often fell into victim behaviour after giving my heart and soul and getting little back. Just a couple of sessions really shifted my thinking about how I ask for things, and how I refuse to be the ‘fixer’. Maybe there are some parallels for you?

Urgh, autocorrect! *refusing

My dad's the same he's happy.

Another saying your not alone. Although I am very lucky to have a DH so do have another adult to share the load and talk with.
We've moved around quite a lot and making friends has never really been an issue before but now I'm in what's widely stated as the friendliest area of Britain, I've found it anything but!
I'm afraid I have no solutions for you as it sounds like you've tried all the things I have and had the same outcome. I find just accepting that's how it is makes it easier to cope with which is what you seem to be doing. Something else I find helpful is to write stuff down, worries, concerns, things you would normally chat with friends about. I don't keep a diary, usually just chuck it away but the process of writing it out and then discarding it helps to not keep carrying it with me and mulling over it.
I hope things improve for you but keep remembering there is light at the end of the tunnel when you are able to move.

@Caplin i think you may be onto something there. I am NC with family and sadly my dad is passed. I guess i over rely on friends as they are all i have. They don't hold me in the same regard i hold them. Guess lockdown just made me see the inevitable. I have my Dc's and they are wonderful, a home and food on the table. I know i have first world issues, still hurts though.

I heard the Nat King Cole song , unforgettable , on the radio today, it was dedicated to someone, and got me thinking. I guess i am completely forgettable! Touched a nerve.

Everyone on the thread has been so nice. I am disheartened at humanity that others are in the same position but at least we are not alone. I have felt very alone but i do not feel that now , knowing others are experiencing the same. Things will get better and I have learnt a lot about the people i know now. I will not be so available from now on.

I'm the same too except I don't feel like I have a home town anymore. All my family have moved away and my parents have died. My job is also lonely and I sit in an office on my own and don't interact with anyone except by email. Lockdown was no different for me except I was happier working from home. However it's made me want to try and change my life. I used to have good friends but moving around and living where I do now is lonely. I do have friends to text but no one within 2 hours of where I live.

How will moving help though OP?

Won't it just be more of the same but in a different place?

Pretty much the same like you OP. What I found easier was I still had no money for anything and there was no pressure about having no money as either people didn’t have money suddenly or if they did there was nowhere to spend it, go with it or buy (suddenly I’m not the only one not going on holiday). It felt nice and normal in that way for a bit and of course it felt like we had money as there was no expense of even driving as we worked from home. Sad but true. I know it’s a first world problem. I am thankful we had food. Food is so important to staying sane. And paying the bills we were able to do that and we carried on working - just from home.

I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to be brutally honest. Lots of my single mum friends feel the same. You’re not going to get invited into other peoples houses if you are a single woman. You’re probably confident and attractive? Lockdown means lots of marriages have struggled. Husbands at home. Domestic violence rates have shot up. Think about it. When somebody is having home stress the last thing they want is a single woman floating around. Sorry but it’s true. It’s awful but I see it with my sister. She hasn’t made a single female friend since she became single. She’s friendly and pretty and into football and other women just don’t want her around their husbands. Other women will be happy to meet you outside their homes but you aren’t going to get an invite inside while the husband is at home.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. It's very sad nobody helped you. If there is another lockdown please reach out to community groups and ask for help.
I have noticed that I don't have any friends either. I have a lot of acquaintances and have met up with them. The people I thought were friends didn't really bother.
I don't know what the answer is though!

Interesting point @bakedoff . I'd say there could be some truth in that. Lots of husband's are working from home. If you are single and "chintzy" lol maybe that's why they can't have you around when their husbands there.

I was a bit embarrassed when they started talking about how many families could be in your bubble. I couldn’t actually think of any families to be in a bubble with! Doesn’t bother me though as I am ‘lucky’ to be quite introverted and resilient. But I can imagine it must be very difficult if you are a more extrovert person in this situation.

Unfortunately the lockdown process has resulted in a lot of people realising how isolated and tenuous their existence already was. Not being from an area, not having regular family contact and just getting on with life day to day seemed normal until lockdown, and all these rules that didn't affect us.

I hear you OP. I hear you.

I've been reading the book Together. You can listen to podcasts with the author on Feel Better Live More or Brene Brown's podcast. Vivek Murthy is a doctor and former Surgeon General of the US.

One of my favourite ideas of his so far is around the stigma of loneliness. His idea is that just as hunger is a reminder to eat, loneliness is our reminder to connect.

In my own adventures of loneliness I believe that my biggest hurdle has been truly connecting with myself as opposed to others.

@OtissReadingtoomuch All these "summer garden meet-ups" you pine for - have they taken place? Are you sure you're being left out of things, or are you just imagining it?

You've made what sounds like an assumption that everyone else is much happier than you and having an active social life. Some of us have just withdrawn, because we're exhausted. So whilst we're not reaching out to people as often, it's not because we're excluding them or have a better offer, it's because we're struggling in our own way.

It's not the solution, but I wonder if you might feel less overwhelmingly lonely if you consider that the people you want to socialise with might not actually be socialising with anyone right now, i.e. it's not you. It's them.

Have you tried organising something more neutral, like a walk in a nearby park that doesn't involve anyone being able to judge anyone else's home? Of course, that only works if you all live near a green space like that, and the kids can nip home to the toilet.

We are lucky. Ours hadn't changed that much. Dh carried on working as normal. 1 job I worked at home. My other job I went back into the office after a few weeks. I text and WhatsApp'd and phoned and messenger as much as I always did. When we were allowed to meet up and go for a walk I did. when I was allowed to meet with my two closest friends I did. I've met a friend for a drink in a pub. DH and I have been out for meals, we've been fine. it's totally fine. Ds's now going back to school, been Xbox'ing, going for runs. DS2 football training has started again. all is good. can't see the problem myself. but we are one of the lucky ones. Other friends of mine have been made redundant from BA.