My lockdown life exactly the same as my normal life

[OtissReadingtoomuch]

Anyone else noticed their lockdown life is pretty much representative of their normal life? I didn't hear from anyone prior to lockdown, and that is not unusual. Don't hear from anyone now either!

Have work colleagues, and "mum" friends, arranged with all of them to do garden meet up's in the summer hols. ( at mine , as usual and at my expense as always, because i never get invited anywhere as i am chintzy and house proud and people assume i will judge their homes even though i never have... nor ever will. ) If i do not organise socials , no one will , ones that i am party to anyway.

We are all fit as fiddles , no shielding family issues at all. I kept in contact since March, if i don't text, waiting for someone to take the initiative, no one bothers. All the summer garden meet-ups i was really depending on for social interaction, not happened. No one has contacted me to arrange. I have not followed up as i do not want to appear desperate and clingy.

I have been on my own now, with my youngest DC since, March. No family as i am NC, and i moved to a new area 9 yrs ago where everyone has their own friends and and family. I have been into work but i am not from around here and i clearly do not fit in, despite my best efforts and respect of local traditions.

I found lockdown a great leveller, but lockdown has ended now and i am still in "lockdown". I know i need to move back to my hometown but i cannot do that for at least 3 yrs due to youngest critical years schooling.

How can i continue to live a lockdown style life for another 3 yrs? I have effectively done it for 9 yrs already and i am getting older. How do i cope with another 3 yrs lockdown?

I've been there. Sometimes your face just doesn't fit a place and you can try everything, groups, reaching out, volunteering, looking at classes and nothing works. Superficial acquaintances are a piss poor substitute for meaningful relationships.

Sometimes the problem is with you but sometimes it really is the place. I spent 5 years living somewhere like this for me and it was a relief to move somewhere else and find that I actually was a likeable person who could build worthwhile relationships.

I'd be tempted to stop trying, I wish I'd stopped trying sooner as it made me feel so much worse.

I know you feel your DC schooling is critical but honestly you need to move.

Why are you NC with family?

You do sound quite uptight - what do you do for pleasure/enjoyment or to relax? Can you meet people through your hobbies and interests where people will see you having fun? This is attractive to people as a friend.

You say you are no contact with your family.

If it hurts you to be cut out or ignored or uncared for by friends how are you not doing the same to your family?

I live in a village surrounded by other villages , town is about 15 min drive away. Everyone who lives here has done so for generations. They have all their families and friends around them.

I think they do see i am on my own ,not often out , always home, no visitors that sort of thing but no one feels they need to act in any way. I suppose when you are busy and have a full life with friends and family around you, people like me get forgotten about. I do see cars outside houses and know that that is so and so visiting so and so. I see families are reuniting etc. I know others have met up through their fb and twitter feeds. I was born in a city and i am very much a product of that. I do wonder that i just don't fit in in terms of character. Not being local and being single does single me out. I have always been popular and had friends, living here has changed that. I want prepared for that. Moving back to big city would bring me into contact with others who are new to area and also looking to make friends. I know i will find it easier. I am in my 40's and my youngest will be 18 when we leave. They are excited about moving away but not until sch finished as has established friend group and does not want to change schs now.

I didn't really see any one before and i do not now. I have never been part of "the" group here. Basically work and home. I have stopped entertaining as i did as it just never came back and i grew tired of it. People always knock on each others doors for chats and cuppas etc. Always let in. I see it from my windows. When i try i am left on doorstep and fobbed off so i stopped. Its soul destroying. I have gone from having a very full life to a very lonely one. When i have reached out and said i have had no visitors since March, be nice to catch up i can see people feel awkward. As time passes it gets more awkward , i have stopped txting to see how people are and no one has txt'd me so i guess there you have it. I wonder if some think that someone else will see me or i will see someone else , so leave it , without realising no one is seeing me! I have accepted it now and just waiting to move now.

@Emeeno1 My mum is extremely unpleasant, i cut contact 3 yrs ago.

I have three kids with disabilities and lockdown was better than normal for us because we weren't expected to go anywhere so the pressure was off. We don't normally get invited out to places and barely socialise anyway. We haven't seen any of our friends out socially since Christmas.

On the positive side, our church has been streaming services and medical appointments have been online. We were able to take a walk outside everyday and our children are fitter and their stamina and balance has improved. Our lockdown was short lived (Queensland, Australia), but it was of some comfort to know that other families were experiencing what our normal is like.

I think rainkeepsfallingdown makes a good point. I am married with DC, close to my family and have friends (not many but a few good ones) and although we were all in touch more via technology at the start of the outbreak, overall, we haven't been in touch half as much as we normally would be because we are all feeling a bit overwhelmed with work, worried about jobs and future finances, are feeling a bit "peopled out" with DC and ohs constantly at home, and are just putting our heads doewn, getting through the days ifyswim. And it hasn't been that much different over the summer tbh - the same circumstances but in different locations. And marriages are suffering so it's not always as green on the other side as you might imagine.

However, having said that, I do think there is something fundamentally wrong with the way most western societies function, in that it is often women who are left alone to bring up DC and shoulder all the slog work that that involves, and men get to be scot free and live their best life (I am sure there are many lonely men too in general but I mean this in the context of raising dc) .

And if you are a good parent like the op is, raising dc does impose quite significant strictures on your life. You have to be there. In term time you are tied to school hours, doing school runs, regular meals and bed times and laundry and extra curricular stuff. You have to be there at night. You have to be there in the holidays. It doesn't give you a lot of free time, energy, money to focus on anything else. And the situation single mother's are in, and the work they do, isn't recognised or valued nearly enough. Imho it's fundamentally a feminist issue because it suits men to have society set up this way.

I don't know what the answer is op but I wish you well

I've seen the issue of moving somewhere where most people have lived there all their lives and have enough friends thanks come up a lot. There's something in it.

What you say about your location op - I think it is really difficult when you move to a place where people make friends at school and have tight knit families - they have no need to look outside of their own circle and make new connections so they don't. Is there any possibility that you could move to a city and your youngest child could commute further to school for his last three years now they are older? So school stays the same but you move somewhere busier. Three years is a long time to put your life on hold.

Stillinmypjs

Move into town! Seriously.
I tried the village life, and although I did have a (limited) social life and made some good friends, it was a very long 20 years old slog.
I moved into a city a few years back. The difference is astounding. And my kid has lots of friends on the estate, doesn’t need lifts anywhere anymore. We cycle everywhere, we have impromptu coffees, I met lots of open minded people.

Or could your youngest go to a sixth form college for his last two years? It's not the same as switching schools in your early teens as DC a bit older and many move around then.

It could also be that people have withdrawn as they have had to face the harsh reality of lockdown. This has caused a huge impact on mental health. There's also the domestic issues where couples have had to spend a lot of time together under the same roof. I have heard 2 friends and 1 relative that have filed for a divorce recently, some households are going through tough times even though they try to show the opposite on social media.. Although I have had friends and relatives that have checked on me at the start of the lockdown, this has all fizzled out now. Everyone's getting on with their lives but minimising contact because they are scared of catching the virus or carrying it to someone that it could be deadly to and being responsible for that. I had a acquaintance who shared on Facebook she caught the virus and literally she was shunned.

I lived in a city and moved to a village at secondary school and I was left out all the time. We soon moved to a large town nearby when I started college and it was much better then. I'm still friends (on FB) with some of those people from the village and they still live there. They married school friends and still is a tight knit community. As you have said, these people have been there for generations and have family there. They are all somehow connected and they don't see you as part of that community. Ok they were really friendly but they didn't need new friends. New friends mean extra effort. In the city where I eventually got a job after uni and married, I have friends and made friends in different compartments.

• Single girlfriends for drinks and fun and gossip over coffee
• Couples friends were we do sophisticated stuff

-Family friends where we hang out so dc could play together but also share bbq's and drinks

• Real friends/siblings/relatives/family who know every aspect of your life and you wouldn't mind them walking into your home even if it's a mess and they go above and beyond for you

-Workfriends where you sometimes hangout at after work and mainly Christmas do but when you see them in the shops you duck down but if you are so close, you may set them up with one of your single girlfriends

This is a typical city life friendship. When you live in the village, you have one that fits all and you need to be very, very close or family to be part of that.

Lock down didn’t effect my DH in any way apart from not being able to play football. I on the other hand has my life turned upside down and I’m frazzled!

@slightchill I agree why is it the women left to raise the children and men get off scot free? Such a good point and something I’ve been thinking about ... also like why men babysit their own kids, or help out around the home? Why don’t they just muck in and parent and not babysit? Why can’t they look after the place they live in, and not just offer to help out occasionally?
And then if really unfortunate they may even abandon their families altogether? Why aren’t guys motivated to care for and provide for their families? Just some thoughts I’m going off track.

I read an editorial not long ago about a young couple who had moved to a Cumbrian village and whilst locals were pleasant and friendly they could not seem to develop any kind of social life so they ended up heading back into a city.
I can relate to part of what you are saying in that I initiate 80% of the social contact I have with friends and I go through phases of thinking I can’t be bothered. The difference is I get responded to and overall had a fairly busy social life but post March where we are so much more limited it’s shown me again how I’m mostly the one texting suggestions for a walk etc. Funnily enough my mission this weekend is to look at expanding my horizons, obviously we all know the suggestions that get given re hobbies, local groups etc and I guess that will be my starting point. The one thing I would love is to be part of something that just happens automatically like being in a team where you train and play once a week where you aren’t constantly having to make it happen yourself. All suggestions welcome !

Where are you located. I’m sure there is a mumsnetter nearby who will gladly be your friend.
I wouldn’t dare say i am lonely as I have a dh but I don’t have any long term friends just people I chat to sometimes. There are many who feel the same I imagine.

Lockdown did not change my life that much either as a single person living alone whose children have grown up and left home. Even so I did resent losing my freedom to go where I wanted and do what I wanted, but the reality is I seldom did those things.
I felt it more once people started to bubble as friends and my family had their own families they wanted to bubble with so I did feel left out and hurt, but their actions were understandable.
Initially my family and few close friends used to keep in close contact but as the weeks went by those died down.
I felt pretty resentful at times because I felt that they were not giving a thought to how isolated and at times lonely I was on my own. I gave up contacting people as I felt that the effort was becoming one sided. At one time I felt that I was becoming a bitter old woman, but luckily I have come out of that phase now.
When my children were small I was in a similar situation to you. We moved to a very small town, I was never happy there and never fitted in with other mum's and found my tribe.
After several years we did move whilst the children were still primary aged. It was scarey finding another school and hoping they would settle happily there. It was a 4 form entry and whilst some might think it too large and impersonal, I thought of all the friendships they could possibly make and imagined it would be good preparation for secondary school. Luckily it was an outstanding school and they ended up being very happy there.
The mum's were friendlier although I only made really good friends when I joined an art class. However I loved the return to anonimity you do not get in any village or small town.
I say move if your child is still in primary...not sure if you said or not?
If it really is not an option try looking further afield for friends, travel and join a club with likeminded people in the nearest town or city.
Good luck.

No changes to my social life here either, it's been the same as it has been for the last ten years.

The pool of people around you is small. As your DC aren't young, can you spend some of the weekend in the city? Go on dates there, join Meetup groups, exercise classes there? Basically do what you plan to do when you move there - but on a Saturday and Sunday. Get an Airbnb or Premier Inn for Sat night if you need to stay over.

You sort of sound like you feel other people need to do more for you, as if they owe you some obligation to befriend you, I wonder if this attitude is coming across in some way & putting people off a bit?

I'm in a similar boat in a village where many people have lived here forever etc and it has taken me a long time to "break in" (about 3 years). How it has happened is by being on maternity leave and putting myself out there a bit - giving up my time and energy to be a part of the village.

Including: being on the committee of the village nursery (it gets you known & value). "Turning up" to things, eg I'm not a Christian but like others we go to the popular village Carol service. We also make the effort to go to things like the Scouts fundraiser, the events put on by the pub, and the spring fete at the school.

I also find that if you are generally kind and helpful, people reciprocate. I "made the first move" offering to help a fellow mum by doing school run for her son on my day off, she then offered to do the same for me on hers.

There is a single lady in my village who I know got lonely in lockdown. But she has had no shortage of people rallying around to look out for her, because she is a really kind lady who over the years has helped out many neighbours and friends. Her constant kindness has made her a highly valued member of our community.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

You sort of sound like you feel other people need to do more for you, as if they owe you some obligation to befriend you, I wonder if this attitude is coming across in some way & putting people off a bit?

I'm in a similar boat in a village where many people have lived here forever etc and it has taken me a long time to "break in" (about 3 years). How it has happened is by being on maternity leave and putting myself out there a bit - giving up my time and energy to be a part of the village.

Including: being on the committee of the village nursery (it gets you known & value). "Turning up" to things, eg I'm not a Christian but like others we go to the popular village Carol service. We also make the effort to go to things like the Scouts fundraiser, the events put on by the pub, and the spring fete at the school.

I also find that if you are generally kind and helpful, people reciprocate. I "made the first move" offering to help a fellow mum by doing school run for her son on my day off, she then offered to do the same for me on hers.

There is a single lady in my village who I know got lonely in lockdown. But she has had no shortage of people rallying around to look out for her, because she is a really kind lady who over the years has helped out many neighbours and friends. Her constant kindness has made her a highly valued member of our community.

I'm sure that works for some people, but I can assure you I tried every one of your suggestions and more, over the best part of eight years, before realising that moving to this village had been a huge mistake and leaving. And the reason why is that I wanted actual friends, not well-disposed neighbours -- and I simply was too different (and perceived as too different) to the people around me for friendships to really gel, despite my best efforts.

I am a deeply ordinary person, but in a place where virtually everyone had always lived there (and if they'd left, it was often only briefly, and they'd come back to raise children) and where the vast majority of women had their children in their 20s and were SAHMs, a foreigner who'd lived in a lot of places, had her only child at 40, and had a bunch of postgraduate degrees and worked FT, was not someone most people wanted a more than distantly friendly relationship with. I didn't expect, and did my best to make friends anyway, but it didn't work. They weren't in any of my tribes and I wasn't in any of theirs. It was no one's fault.

Figment I felt the same about the 'bubble' situation - embarrassed to realise I had no one to bubble with, when it felt like everyone was starting to move away from lockdown, while dc and I were stuck as we had no one to meet with.

OP, I think I'd like to go back to London actually. I've lived there before, and find it easier to do things 'solo' there. Being alone doesn't feel so conspicuously 'different'.

I suppose its a fair question how long and how much effort should you put into a place before accepting that it's not working?

For me I find after a certain amount of effort and emotional exertion the resentment starts building. I think it's hard to come back from that feeling.

I dont feel people "owe" me friendship, but maybe i am guilty of just "assuming" i would make friends, as i always have.

I have lived here 9 yrs, done all suggested on the thread and more. I cannot break through.I saw my doctor last year, i thought i was depressed. She said i was not depressed. I was " too well manicured " to be depressed. When i asked her what she meant by that , she said, i take great care in my presentation, i always like to have my hair and make up done, my home is always insta ready, i am happy and outgoing, I am excited for things and people. I am not depressed. She advised i was just reacting to how my environment is. She suggested i have a good girls night out and relax and have some fun.

I asked all my friends, said i needed a good girls night, just some fun, a good laugh, nothing melancholy. Could have at mine, i would cook, so free night out! No one responded to me and those that did had a lot on, was too far to travel or those locally ( sch mums) were so busy with the kids as Halloween in a few weeks. ( they then did do other nights as seen on FB ). When i went back to see the doctor a month later, for a follow up update, to see how i was feeling , she asked how my girls night was. I told her my responses. She raised her eyebrows and said " i despair of people sometimes, i really do". There was nothing else for her to suggest as i was doing it all.

It is basically awful living here, i have tried, i really have.