To take DD's DP to task...

[8catsisnotunreasonable]

I'll try to get everything out here and not drip feed...

DD became pregnant at 19, considered not progressing, I offered support, to take the child etc but expressly said that I would support whatever decision she made.

FFWD... scan shows twins, DD decides to continue with pregnancy. Goes into early labour (33 +3) ECS without partner present, just me. DD suffers terrible PPD (was HG during pg). Goes home with her DP and leaves me holding the babies in SCBU.

I raise the DGS until they're 6 months as a single parent, minimal financial support from BPs and no visitation.

At 6 months DD and her DP (children's father) arrive and take beloved DGC away from me. No explanation, left me broken hearted.

I took all of DGC things to DDs home (several hours drive away) and DDs DP refused to let me in, to let me see my beautiful DGC.

FFWD several years, DD and I have repaired our relationship, we're absolutely fine and enjoy a fabulous relationship. DDP has NEVER apologised for his behaviour and never even thanked me for what I did (DGC would have been taken into care had I not stepped in).

AIBU to expect an apology from DD's DP for his hideous behaviour, or should I just rejoice that I now have a wonderful relationship with DD again as well as my gorgeous DCG?

I feel that DD's DP is a dick and should not have (literally) slammed the door in my face when I travelled to take everything I had here for DGCs after they took them without warning.

I'm sorry for the long post, it's something that has had an awful impact on my MH and family relationships.

Please give me your unbiased opinions?

Wow, what a story!

He may be a horrible person but bitterness that you carry around is only going to make you unhappy, and probably won't have the slightest effect on him.

Be very happy to have the children in your life and when they are older you can tell them how you looked after them at the start. Their opinion is all that matters.

I understand how hurt you must be at the way he treated you, and I can absolutely understand the need to have it out with him (them) but no good will come from dredging it up and you run the risk of him (them) turning on you again.

Just enjoy your relationship with DD and DGS but ALWAYS remember what her DP did to you....

Has your DD actually apologized or was it swept under the rug?

How many years has it been?

How is he generally now?

How did you resolve this with dd?

Has your daughter apologised to you?

They've both been a massive pair of dicks but at least your DD has apologised and you now have that relationship back with her and your GC.

I'd let sleeping dogs lie now as a forced apology is no apology at all.

Wow what terrible treatment, that must have been soul destroying for you. Honestly though I would just be happy you are seeing your GC and have made amends with your DD (I hope she apologised and appreciated what you did for her and her children?) I would be civil to her DP just so I could carry on seeing the children tbh

DD has apologised, she wasn't in a good place health wise and I understand that. DP on the other hand literally stood on the doorstep, told me I wasn't going in and shut the door in my face. I don't want plaudits for what I did, I just want an acknowledgement that I did what I did and that my actions then mean that they now have their children with them. I love my DGC to bits and the situation with their DF and I makes me unhappy, uncomfortable and feeling (by him) unappreciated for dropping everything in my life to make things easier for him... That sounds awful, it's more that I bonded totally with DGC and they were taken from me with no notice (I KNOW they're the parents but they had no experience/relationship whatsoever with the babies).

I just feel that he should at least apologise for shutting the door in my face, even if he doesn't say thank you for what I did?

I sat in the car and cried for over 2 hours before I was able to get myself together and drive back.

Sorry, it's still very raw even now

Wow. No advice but I’m sorry this happened to you and you sound like a fantastic mum and grandmother

Terrible behaviour from both of them.

I wouldnt demand an apology as my priority would be to maintain the relationship for the sake of the babies, but i wouldn't forget what they are both capable of.

I also wonder if you are directing more of your anger at the dp rather than your own daughter, who is the one with the most responsibility not to treat you like that, because it feels easier?

Have you transferred any blame, anger or resentment that your DD possibly deserves onto her partner to enable your relationship with her to now be so good? Any feelings you have about your treatment should be equally divided between the two of them - if any was his decision, then she enabled it.

I would probably weigh up how important my relationship with my DD and DGSs was and, assuming you want to keep it, have a civil but distant relationship with him.

I can understand why it hurts so much and yes her DO should apologise but I think you need to accept that he won’t and that by opening it all up again you’ll risk your relationship with your DGC and DD. It’s not fair but it’s also not worth causing further problems which will end in a bad outcome for you.

He’s a dick, but honestly I’d try to let go of the expected apology and just enjoy what you’ve built with your daughter and grandchildren

Crossed posts with your update. Yes, he was rude and unnecessarily so. I doubt he will apologise and I still stand by my question about whether you have transferred feelings that should be directed towards your daughter onto him for the benefit of your relationship.

I’m not surprised it’s still very raw. You must have been (and to some extent still are) devastated but both her and your DD are responsible for that.

They both sound awful and have treated you badly.

Realistically though, what benefit do you think an apology will be to you?

Rather than expecting an apology, you could talk to him about it? Maybe he felt he was protecting your daughter by not letting you in, or maybe she asked him not to? Did you just turn up with the car full of things?

FFWD several years, DD and I have repaired our relationship, we're absolutely fine and enjoy a fabulous relationship. DDP has NEVER apologised for his behaviour and never even thanked me for what I did (DGC would have been taken into care had I not stepped in).

Surely she’s apologised on behalf of both and thanked£ you?

AIBU to expect an apology from DD's DP for his hideous behaviour, or should I just rejoice that I now have a wonderful relationship with DD again as well as my gorgeous DCG?

Let it go as it will taint the relationship you have. They both had hideous behaviour if both can leave children like that.

I would just be glad to be back in their lives.
You don’t want to rock the boat.
Just cherish the memories of those first 6 months, their parents will never have that 💐

I think you really need to let it go. There rarely is only one side to a story like this and ultimately all's well that ends well. You gave what you had to give because it was best for your grandchildren. Take well deserved satisfaction from that.

You will harm your future relationship with your child and grandchildren if you can't move on.

I turned up with everything, they had asked for me to do this through extended family, and had promised that I would be allowed to see DGC...

I definitely haven't let DD off the hook, she has apologised numerous times and we have had in depth discussions about what happened and why. She accepts her responsibility for the situation and we have discussed it and made peace with each other about what happened.

DD and DDP don't live together, DGC live with DD so I can have a (mainly) separate relationship without him. I just feel that he has behaved like a total whatever, totally disrespected what I did, and wants me to do whatever I do for DD and DGC (most of which also benefits him) with no apology for his historic behaviour.

To put things in context, if he is at DD's when I arrive he stays in another room, makes no effort to engage...

I think part of rebuilding your relationship with your DD needs to include finding a way to let go of what went before. If he hasn’t apologised by now, he’s not going to. You’ve accepted a renewed relationship with your DD which, given he doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, means accepting his part in her life. You don’t know what was going on for him at the time or what your DD might have said about you that may have influenced his behaviour - he may have felt he was acting in her best interests.

The time to try and talk all this through was when you were re-establishing your relationship with your DD, I doubt any good will come of re-hashing it all now.

The only person feeling your anger here is you, do you really want to keep carrying it.

To put things in context, if he is at DD's when I arrive he stays in another room, makes no effort to engage...

Have you asked DD why he behaves that way towards you? He doesn't sound like a very nice person. Honestly I would just avoid him as much as humanely possible

Was it possible that they were using drugs? Do you think that could be why they didnt let you in? Or perhaps the place was a pig sty and they didnt want you to see it.
Either way, your actions have kept their family together and they must be aware of that even if they cant find the words to Thank you properly.

OP i don’t think there is much to be accomplished by pushing this. He and your DD behaved appallingly, however ultimately your relationship is with your daughter and her children, not with him. You don’t need a relationship with him, and your daughter was the one who should have really cared for you, not him.
When you forgive someone for something pretty unforgivable and try to move on, sometimes you can displace the blame to make it easier? I agree with previous posters that this is likely what you are feeling—ultimately it was your daughter who really let you down, it’s heartbreaking but bets to try to move on with her. He’s a side issue—and ultimately relationships with in-laws are the responsibility of that person, it was you DD who allowed you to be treated poorly, and who should have been there for you.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Sadly I doubt you’ll ever get full closure, just try to move on with what you can do you can still see the DGCs.

I think I would've called social services at that point and asked them to intervene. You should have had a fostering allowance, too. I'm amazed you took the children there with all their stuff just because you got a message through a third party.