To take DD's DP to task...

[8catsisnotunreasonable]

I'll try to get everything out here and not drip feed...

DD became pregnant at 19, considered not progressing, I offered support, to take the child etc but expressly said that I would support whatever decision she made.

FFWD... scan shows twins, DD decides to continue with pregnancy. Goes into early labour (33 +3) ECS without partner present, just me. DD suffers terrible PPD (was HG during pg). Goes home with her DP and leaves me holding the babies in SCBU.

I raise the DGS until they're 6 months as a single parent, minimal financial support from BPs and no visitation.

At 6 months DD and her DP (children's father) arrive and take beloved DGC away from me. No explanation, left me broken hearted.

I took all of DGC things to DDs home (several hours drive away) and DDs DP refused to let me in, to let me see my beautiful DGC.

FFWD several years, DD and I have repaired our relationship, we're absolutely fine and enjoy a fabulous relationship. DDP has NEVER apologised for his behaviour and never even thanked me for what I did (DGC would have been taken into care had I not stepped in).

AIBU to expect an apology from DD's DP for his hideous behaviour, or should I just rejoice that I now have a wonderful relationship with DD again as well as my gorgeous DCG?

I feel that DD's DP is a dick and should not have (literally) slammed the door in my face when I travelled to take everything I had here for DGCs after they took them without warning.

I'm sorry for the long post, it's something that has had an awful impact on my MH and family relationships.

Please give me your unbiased opinions?

At 6 months DD and her DP (children's father) arrive and take beloved DGC away from me. No explanation

They were the kids parents. Unless there was a court order they had no need of giving an explanation.

FFWD several years,

This is several years back. How long can you hold your DD's mental health crisis against her, or her DP? Tbh I dont really feel she should have apologised at all to you. She wronged the kids not you.

I am sorry i have previously said there are two sides to ever story and some of the problems are evident even hearing just your side. Nothing you have said indicates he did anything horrendously wrong, I can only imagine theres more to it to still be holding it against him several years later.

Is he abusing your daughter? I understand your daughter had mental health issues but why didn’t he try and see his kids for the first 6 months of their lives? You e been treated awfully and if I were you I’d be keeping a close eye for signs of abuse.

@8catsisnotunreasonable

I turned up with everything, they had asked for me to do this through extended family, and had promised that I would be allowed to see DGC...

I definitely haven't let DD off the hook, she has apologised numerous times and we have had in depth discussions about what happened and why. She accepts her responsibility for the situation and we have discussed it and made peace with each other about what happened.

DD and DDP don't live together, DGC live with DD so I can have a (mainly) separate relationship without him. I just feel that he has behaved like a total whatever, totally disrespected what I did, and wants me to do whatever I do for DD and DGC (most of which also benefits him) with no apology for his historic behaviour.

To put things in context, if he is at DD's when I arrive he stays in another room, makes no effort to engage...

But what did happen? I don't understand how she just upped and left her babies after they were born...and then they just strolled back in after 6 months and took them away? And then they were angry at you?

I'm very confused, is there a big back story here?

Either way, her 'D'P sounds horrible, but I don't think you'll be able to 'take him to task', he clearly thinks very little of you and I think he'd probably just tell you to f off or close the door in your face again.

@HollowTalk I didn't take the children there, they had already been taken from me by their parents. I took the clothes, bedding, toys, pushchair etc that I had bought

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Thanks for your view. I don't agree with you but I appreciate your input.

They had no experience of childcare whatsoever, no prenatal lessons, no parentcraft, no idea of the childrens' routine

@workhomesleeprepeat

No back story whatsoever.

Zero contact for 6 months, arrived on my doorstep, took the babies.

End of.

Heart broken at the time

Thanks everyone for your comments and insight.

I guess I just need to count my blessings and ignore DD's DP as much as possible.

💐for all the advice 💐

Did he not let you visit because your dd didn't want to see you at the time? Could he have being a dock at your dd's request (don't let her in I don't want to see her)?

I was confused OP because I'm amazed that after all you did for them that your dd and her dp were so ungrateful to you.

Is your dd being abused by him? I just can't imagine treating my mother the way she has treated you. I'm glad she has apologized, but I would be so hurt if I were you.

Wishing you the best

Was he a dick pre pregnancy?
If you were the babies legal guardian, how could they just take them with no social services involvement?

Could your DD have been telling him shit about you?

As someone else said, your DD was mentally unwell, no reason he couldn't have come and learned the basics off you and bonded with his children.

What did Social Services have to say? You can't just rock up 6 months later and assume nothing has happened!

You need to play the long game, they may no stay together. If they don’t you want her to feel she can ask you for help. If it kicks off now she may feel forced to choose between you and him which may have repercussions in the future.

@BigFatLiar

Did he not let you visit because your dd didn't want to see you at the time? Could he have being a dock at your dd's request (don't let her in I don't want to see her)?

That was my thought also.

There was obviously nothing in place to prevent them collecting their children or any reason to think that they weren't fit to be parents to them?

What did Social Services have to say? You can't just rock up 6 months later and assume nothing has happened!

If there’s no legal order in place parents have the right to take their children where they like. I’m going to guess social services weren’t involved though.

He should apologise but he isn't going to. I'd focus on your daughter and grandchildren because anything else is just going to cause you extra stress.

I would suspect there are conversations between the two of them that you don’t know that would explain everything.

I hope he is not abusing your daughter, trying to separate her from her friends and family so he can manipulate her. As such I’d make sure she always knows you are there for her.

You need to find out why he hates you. Did he want to take the babies initially but felt you prevented this? Did she tell him something is all your fault and that’s why he can’t stand to be in the sane room as you? Or is it just that he wants to keep away from you as he thinks you’ll walk all over him and embarrass him and he can’t hack it?

Where are his parents? Do they live near them?
What’s the backstory. Do you know it.

When it comes to forgiving people I see it like you've got a fishhook that connects you and the person who had wronged you except the fishhook is sticking in you because the other person doesn't care. Waiting for an apology that may never come will just continue to hurt you and he won't care. Forgive and move on and focus on your DD and dgc.

If there’s no legal order in place parents have the right to take their children where they like. I’m going to guess social services weren’t involved though.

Surely the hospital would call social services when the parents abandoned the babies at the hospital? Somebody must have okayed it for the babies to be looked after by the OP, because I can't believe the hospital would just hand them over to her.

For your on mental health and well being, let it go. Try to arrange therapy if you feel it might help.
However unreasonable his/their behaviour was, his supporting your daughter through her depression can't have been easy (assuming that he did), and she came through it, and was able to take care of her children once she was well. Would you really have wanted to look after them indefinitely if she had not regained her health?
An apology would have been nice, but several years on, and you have repaired you relationship with your daughter - celebrate what you have now, particularly if partner and daughter don't live together and you rarely see them as a couple/family.

Slightly confused. If dd walked out of scbu were social services not involved and formal arrangements put in place? How did she just walk in and take them without social services being involved?

DGC were in my home, post SCBU. GP, HV, SS all on board with my caring for them. No issues whatsoever with me having custody, I had parental responsibility as DGC1 had health issues requiring hospital visits and treatment consent.

I had no legal right to keep DGC, it was the way that they were taken from me that caused issues and the way that DD's DP has treated me since.

I'm taking on board that I should let his behaviour go, DD and I are very close now.

Thank you all for your comments and advice

So you've forgiven your daughter for abandoning her kids for 6months & then just taking them back when convenient, but you're hung up on her partner (& her!) not letting you in when you dropped stuff off!

Why doesnt he live with your dd now? How long have they been together?

I had no legal right to keep DGC, it was the way that they were taken from me that caused issues and the way that DD's DP has treated me since.

You might have parental responsibilities for them to the extent you needed to care for them, but without a formal order in place the children’s’ parents can remove them at any time. I don’t doubt SS we’re on board with you caring for them informally - it would save them a bloody fortune but leaves things quite unsettled.

@FoolsAssassin

You need to play the long game, they may no stay together. If they don’t you want her to feel she can ask you for help. If it kicks off now she may feel forced to choose between you and him which may have repercussions in the future.

This.

Your DD is still very young. This guy sounds like an absolute bastard. Don’t engage, don’t expect apologies - don’t make your DD choose. Keep the moral high ground. Ignore him as much as possible and concentrate on your DD. One day she’ll thank you for that.