Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Childcare one

58 replies

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 14:10

Could do with a bit of outside perspective on an issue I’m currently having with my DS father. DS is 11, separated from father for 7 years, share 50/50 custody whereby weekends and week days are split and alternate in a 2 week rotation. We do not speak, our communication is via text due to abuse hurled at me through the years.

My DS has always attended an afterschool service, they collect from school, feed him and do his homework with him. I collect after work at 5.45pm.

This service is vital for me, I work a stressful job, very long hours but the remuneration and satisfaction make it worth it. I live alone, claim no benefits or maintenance and provide my son with a beautiful home in a lovely area.

The afterschool service we were using is now not being offered this year so I have booked him into an alternative service which has a great reputation. While DS is not overly excited about it, he also is not fussed as he is a very sociable kid and this has always been his routine.

His father is now refusing to send him to the service, citing Covid as the reason which to me is not a justification, we live an area with very low level of cases and both his school and afterschool service are following all public health guidelines. Neither of our households have anyone considered at risk and society as a whole have made so many sacrifices in part to ensure that children can return to school safely. I personally believe that this is mostly about the money – he does not want to pay for child care when he has a GF sitting at home, not working, claiming benefits who can do it.

DS father has INFORMED me that his girlfriend will be collecting our son from school every day, even on my days. (He has been with his girlfriend approx 3.5years, they live together and have a child about 1.5yrs. She also has another child from previous relationship.)

I’m not comfortable with this at all. Reliable, professional childcare is something I need to continue to progress my career. I need the knowledge and security that my son is well looked after by professionals when I am at work. I’m not comfortable with my son spending all of his time in that house either for various reasons, particularly during my contact time. Also, as all of DS recreational activities are now cancelled for the year, it will provide some sort of social outlet for him. He will be with the same 4 children in the afterschool every day so exposure to Covid not massively increased.
The new service will only take bookings for the same days every week and therefore cannot accommodate the rotation of days that we currently have in place.

But his father has dug his heels in and is refusing. I have made an appointment with my solicitor for Monday to reassess custody arrangement as DS father has made it such that I will now need to push for set days in order to avail of the service.

I just don’t understand why he feels he can change the status quo like this, it’s so unnecessary and will now likely end up in court. I’ve never fought him for contact and have never taken a penny from him in maintenance.

I guess I’m wondering, AIBU to be totally uncomfortable and pissed off that he is causing this unnecessary drama and any advice/opinions any of you might have would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Lucyccfc68 · 28/08/2020 14:18

Dig your heels in and tell him to sod off. Book and pay for what you need and on your contact days your DS attends, on his fathers contact days he can choose to have his girlfriend pick your son up.

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 14:22

I would love to do this but the way the service works, you need to pick set days. I have my DS every Monday, but all other days rotate. So if I book and pay for 4 days I will likely end up paying for 2/3 days a week that DS is not there as his father won't send him. The only way I can see to resolve this is by changing the custody arrangement so that I have set days, which he has also said he "won't agree with" 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 14:58

Bump

OP posts:

Thehop · 28/08/2020 14:59

You need set days by the looks of it, awkward sod he sounds.

Will
It be long before you’re happy for him to be home alone? Any childminders you can use?

Snailsetssail · 28/08/2020 15:01

It really sucks but I can see the only options being;

Pay for the full week knowing he will only actually use a few days.
Sort a set day custody arrangement
Find a different childcare provider that is more flexible about days.

Rhubardandcustard · 28/08/2020 15:03

Op how long do you need this wrap around care for? You say your ds is 11 - can he not be trusted home alone after school?

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:04

@Thehop

You need set days by the looks of it, awkward sod he sounds.

Will
It be long before you’re happy for him to be home alone? Any childminders you can use?

It will be another 2 years that after school will be needed for. Honestly can't understand why he's upsetting the set up when its only another 2 yrs. Court is really not what I want but it's looking like the only option really.

OP posts:

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:08

@Rhubardandcustard

Op how long do you need this wrap around care for? You say your ds is 11 - can he not be trusted home alone after school?

Unfortunately not, there is the distance, about 10minute drive from school to our village. DS is really such a good boy and so so intelligent but he's off in a land of his own most times, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him crossing the road on his own as he'd forget to look both ways, not to mind spend hours on his own at home. Don't mean that in any derogatory way towards DS - he obviously has other far more important things his brain focuses on rather than his immediate surroundings! 😂

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 28/08/2020 15:10

I'd let them crack on. It's an extra few hours a week he'll spend with them as he wouldn't send him on his days anyway.

Oysterbabe · 28/08/2020 15:12

It sounds like you are babying your son tbh. Isn't he about to start secondary?

AryaStarkWolf · 28/08/2020 15:13

YANBU, he can't just decide that. Unfortunately you will have to get days set by court though. Can you tell the school in advance for now that his g/f is not authorized to collect your son from school on your days?

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:15

@Oysterbabe

I'd let them crack on. It's an extra few hours a week he'll spend with them as he wouldn't send him on his days anyway.

It would be about 12 to 15 additional hours a week. I just don't feel comfortable with it, we have different values and standards, I work hard, save hard to provide for me and my son... they draw benefits, expect council houses and state support to raise their children. I've never stopped DS going there but I don't want them influencing him more than is necessary.

I also don't want his father thinking he can dictate what happens during my contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:17

@Oysterbabe

It sounds like you are babying your son tbh. Isn't he about to start secondary?

No, he is still in primary and has another few years left. Don't really think I baby him, it's just honestly not safe to have an 11yr old alone at home all the time in my opinion.

OP posts:

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 28/08/2020 15:17

I think it's fair enough that if his partner is a sahp that she would look after all of their kids and not just hers instead of paying for childcare.

Similarly it's not fair that he insists on her minding on your days.

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:19

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think it's fair enough that if his partner is a sahp that she would look after all of their kids and not just hers instead of paying for childcare.

Similarly it's not fair that he insists on her minding on your days.

I agree with you, and I would not dictate the childcare he arranges during his time. But by his refusal to use the service, it means that I also cannot use it due to varying days I have DS every week

OP posts:

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:21

@AryaStarkWolf

I agree court looks like the only way. Good idea to inform the school about what's going on. I'm afraid now that by the time we get a court date I will have lost the place with the after school service and then I'll be rightly up sh1ts creek

OP posts:

Crazycakelady17 · 28/08/2020 15:22

I’m surprised you have managed to get childcare for a high school child nothing like that runs here.
However your in the right he should be going especially on your days he doesn’t have the right to dictate your contact time but on his days you can’t make him send him

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:25

@Crazycakelady17

I’m surprised you have managed to get childcare for a high school child nothing like that runs here. However your in the right he should be going especially on your days he doesn’t have the right to dictate your contact time but on his days you can’t make him send him

Thanks @Crazycakelady17 just to clarify, he has another 2 years in primary school left. Once high school rolls around I'm sure he'll be capable of looking after himself after school

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 28/08/2020 15:26

I would be speaking to local childminders to see if anyone can offer the flexibility that you need. They are more likely to be accommodating to it. Has he got any friends with parents that may help in an emergency so that you feel that you have a plan B if childcare falls through? I can absolutely see why you don't want him there extra and why you don't want to be dictated to. I also think if you have a 50/50 arrangement that things don't start to fall too far towards dads house especially if they have a poor financial situation where they may be seeking to suggest he is with them more.

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:34

@blackcat86

You've hit the nail on the head with one of my issues... I earn substantially more than both of them combined I would imagine, I don't trust them not to use the additional time he would be spending at the house to expect maintenance be paid by me. I would sooner stick hot pins in my eyeballs than hand a penny over to him. Local childminders are so difficult to find where I am but I am looking, there were only 2 after school services in my locality, 1 has now closed and I'm afraid with all this agro I will now lose the place I'd secured with the other one... it was like winning the lottery securing the place 😭

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 28/08/2020 15:34

Don't all children start secondary school at 11? I say your days your ways, his days he says... To a point.

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:36

@SummerHouse

Don't all children start secondary school at 11? I say your days your ways, his days he says... To a point.

I'm not based in UK x

OP posts:

Minimumstandard · 28/08/2020 15:37

Sounds like getting an arrangement for set days is going to be the best way forward.

Original poster

User1230989 · 28/08/2020 15:41

@Minimumstandard

Sounds like getting an arrangement for set days is going to be the best way forward.

I think so too... I'm just upset and angry that the set up that has worked for everyone for the last 7 yrs is now thrown in the air and we'll be looking at a court date... so unnecessary

OP posts:

Rhubardandcustard · 28/08/2020 15:56

Regardless of what age in your country they stay at primary. Most 11 years old are ready for the next step at this age, giving him a bit more responsibility- maybe he’ll surprise you op but all the while you pick him up from school you aren’t giving him that opportunity.

Flip

1 2 3