Childcare one

[User1230989]

Could do with a bit of outside perspective on an issue I’m currently having with my DS father. DS is 11, separated from father for 7 years, share 50/50 custody whereby weekends and week days are split and alternate in a 2 week rotation. We do not speak, our communication is via text due to abuse hurled at me through the years.

My DS has always attended an afterschool service, they collect from school, feed him and do his homework with him. I collect after work at 5.45pm.

This service is vital for me, I work a stressful job, very long hours but the remuneration and satisfaction make it worth it. I live alone, claim no benefits or maintenance and provide my son with a beautiful home in a lovely area.

The afterschool service we were using is now not being offered this year so I have booked him into an alternative service which has a great reputation. While DS is not overly excited about it, he also is not fussed as he is a very sociable kid and this has always been his routine.

His father is now refusing to send him to the service, citing Covid as the reason which to me is not a justification, we live an area with very low level of cases and both his school and afterschool service are following all public health guidelines. Neither of our households have anyone considered at risk and society as a whole have made so many sacrifices in part to ensure that children can return to school safely. I personally believe that this is mostly about the money – he does not want to pay for child care when he has a GF sitting at home, not working, claiming benefits who can do it.

DS father has INFORMED me that his girlfriend will be collecting our son from school every day, even on my days. (He has been with his girlfriend approx 3.5years, they live together and have a child about 1.5yrs. She also has another child from previous relationship.)

I’m not comfortable with this at all. Reliable, professional childcare is something I need to continue to progress my career. I need the knowledge and security that my son is well looked after by professionals when I am at work. I’m not comfortable with my son spending all of his time in that house either for various reasons, particularly during my contact time. Also, as all of DS recreational activities are now cancelled for the year, it will provide some sort of social outlet for him. He will be with the same 4 children in the afterschool every day so exposure to Covid not massively increased.
The new service will only take bookings for the same days every week and therefore cannot accommodate the rotation of days that we currently have in place.

But his father has dug his heels in and is refusing. I have made an appointment with my solicitor for Monday to reassess custody arrangement as DS father has made it such that I will now need to push for set days in order to avail of the service.

I just don’t understand why he feels he can change the status quo like this, it’s so unnecessary and will now likely end up in court. I’ve never fought him for contact and have never taken a penny from him in maintenance.

I guess I’m wondering, AIBU to be totally uncomfortable and pissed off that he is causing this unnecessary drama and any advice/opinions any of you might have would be appreciated.

Also, what happens if this rebounds on you and court decides your ex gets more custody as he is offering to look after your child more (they will prob view his step mum as family) whilst you will be putting him into childcare?

Book all the days, pay for it yourself, and when GF decides she's not available then DS has his place.
Then teach him how to cross the road and how to manage on his own for a couple of hours. He may only be a bit unworldly because you do all his thinking for him.

I think it's fair that you book in ds to all the afterschool days and you pay for them, even the ones you don't use. Your exdp doesn't need after school care so shouldn't be responsible to pay. He's being unreasonable in saying your ds can't go at all. I think you need to tell him you'd be paying, he's not a mind reader and if they're not on big wages then it will be a big factor.

You also sound like you don't want set days as it doesn't work well for your work. If set days would work well then you should pursue that.

Why not keep DS with you full time and let him put the application in to court.. You aren't doing anything wrong because you have PR obviously! He sounds like he's just doing this to fill his back pocket.

Pay for all the days, send him when it’s your slot. If Ex’s GF does the pick up and care on “his” days that’s their lookout.

It isn’t reasonable for him to stop you using the club on your days, but it also isn’t reasonable for you to insist he uses it on his.

Obviously it would be financially preferable to switch to fixed days so you don’t have to pay “extra” but it may well not be worth the hassle...

I’m not sure he can dictate that you aren’t allowed to use childcare on your days. He can’t demand you must effectively use his girlfriend as childcare. It’s absolutely none of his concern what you do with your days.

However, on the same vein you can’t dictate what he does in his days either. You can’t insist that he useS child care. As far as he’s concerned he has an adult at home to care for his son alongside his other children in the days he has your son so why would he need childcare?

The problem is that you have no suitable childcare for just your days because they vary each week and the service you have found can not accommodate that. I’d imagine it’s a massive problem for shift worker families also. So realistically you either seek alternative more accommodating childcare or you pay for the full week and accept you won’t use all the days. (It would be your choice if you then “offered” your ex these days to use for free but it’s very much a side issue as he doesn’t actually need childcare).

Yes you could go to court to change to set days thus reducing your childcare bill but it sounds like you were already willing to pay for the full week anyway. I’m not sure the court would be as willing as you think to change long-standing rotating agreement which has up to now been working purely because you have childcare issues (especially with the other parent has offers to provide childcare for you). (From a pure factual position...I can complete see all the reason s you want to Minimise any further contact But I’m not sure they’d be relevant in court?)

@Bekind2020

Why not keep DS with you full time and let him put the application in to court.. You aren't doing anything wrong because you have PR obviously! He sounds like he's just doing this to fill his back pocket.

Yes because it’s totally reasonable to keep a child away from his parent who has up to that point had 50:50 care just because there is a relatively minor disagreement regarding after school care. Yes complete normally to just stop an 11 year old boy from seeing his Dad in those circumstance - honestly some of the utter nonsense that’s sprouted on here. There is nothing to suggest the dad isn’t an okay parent. Benefits were mentioned - how awful the boy has to live with a family that claim benefits And yes abuse so only via text but OP hasn’t elaborated on that and hasn’t went to court to alter a 50:50 arrangement so I (like to) assume she feels her child is safe with his dad. Any suspicions that dad is going this for ability to claim maintenance afe just that ... suspicions (I though actual night were the key there in uk anyway). Basically fexk all to suggest keeping this boy away from his dad is a reasonable or rational response to this issue

If you're willing to pay for it all, why is it an issue to do that anyway to keep the space and he just goes there on his days? I'm not saying his father isn't being difficult, but take the emotion out of it, if you're willing to pay for the full well and for his father to use the provision, why does it matter if it's paid for and he doesn't use it?