To not allow visitors in my third trimester

[user1487755366]

I'm currently pregnant. I've been following the Covid guidelines closely on the royal college of obstetricians website and have tried to be sensible without being neurotic. Up until now, I've been out and about as normal wearing face-masks and we've also hosted some visitors at home staying overnight at times and just being sensible. We live a good 4 hour journey from our families so when they come they really have to stay.

My work have been very supportive and have altered my role to non-student facing and allowed me to work from home from the third trimester as per guidance I've been given. It's my choice essentially.
A few family members including my mother have asked to come visit and we've said that that's fine as long as it's before my third trimester when I've been personally advised to 'as good as shield'. I have a few extra risk factors that make me extra vulnerable:

• expecting twins so more restriction on my diaphragm
• BME background
• partner is an NHS worker so already brings things home.

Our decision has reluctantly been supported by DH family who aren't happy about it but understand. However my mother is absolutely devastated and extremely angry resulting in a very difficult phone conversation today. She made out as if I was being ridiculous about following these rules to the letter. I said I had to be fair and consistent to DH family too and she disagreed saying she should be seen as an exception to this rule. I said I'd love her to come before hand (about a month away) and she said she didn't know if she had time but if she did she would just leave things at the door. I said DH could come collect them but she said no in a very bitter way. It was very unpleasant.

I had also said previously that I'd want her and DH at the birth. She asked about that again today and I said I'd love her to be there but rules in our hospital (and I think nationally) are that it's only one birth partner allowed and that would obviously be DH.
I'm used to her overreacting and I do, honestly, understand her upset about something like this but I'm now questioning myself. AIBU to enforce this rule so strictly?

So are you proposing to stay at home seeing noone bar your dh for your entire third trimester?

@Prettybluepigeons

So are you proposing to stay at home seeing noone bar your dh for your entire third trimester?

I can socially distance if I go for a walk or got to the shops, I can't do that if somebody is staying in my home.

I think if your dh is nhs worker anyway, he's already probably your biggest risk and I'm assuming you won't be distancing from him? I think if your mums being sensible I don't see why she couldn't visit, I don't get it. But it's your choice of course. As for the birth partner thing, it's hard that we can only have one now but I would think anyone would understand you would want your dh. I'd like my sister and partner at my babies birth but it's looking like it will be just my partner.

You can stay a metre away from someone in your own home. You can practice good hygiene.

Of course it’s your choice. But your partner is already a risk factor - which, presumably, you will mitigate with washing and sanitiser. Why can’t you practice similar measures with your mother?

Could they stay at a cheap B&B or Premier Inn type job near to you so you can meet up and see them whilst being able to still socially distance, and don't have the worry of having them in your home? To be honest, third trimester with twins sounds hard enough to me without having to run about and look after visitors too!

Perhaps your mums looking at it from the POV that you won’t allow her to see you in the 3rd trimester and you highly likely won’t want to see her after you’ve given birth, either. Which means she won’t be able to see you for a long while.

I think as family are so far away that they have to stay YANBU, it would be different if you could pop out and meet them outdoors for a coffee or picnic or whatever but as they have to stay in your home I think it’s fair to say no visitors at the moment.

I very recently had a baby and only saw people outside when I was still pregnant as I didn’t want to risk any complications and I was comfortable with that level of risk.

You aren’t wrong for wanting to protect yourself and the other people in your life should accept that boundary like adults rather than kick off about why they should be the exception. Sorry your DM is behaving this way.

I think you'll find it more difficult to be "normal" after the birth if this is your level of anxiety about Covid now.

@TheSeedsOfADream

I think you'll find it more difficult to be "normal" after the birth if this is your level of anxiety about Covid now.

Who said anything about anxiety? I've been given guidance by professionals and this is following the guidance.

Could she stay in an airbnb nearby so she's not there constantly? I feel your pain - I'm in a similar position and my MIL kicking off about it is not helping my last few weeks of pregnancy be relaxed and calm!

I dont think your mum is unreasonable to be upset that she won't get to see you for the final three months of your pregnancy.
I can understand you wanting to take the advice seriously but I would be looking for a work around the problem. Perhaps as a previous poster said, her staying in a local hotel?
I genuinely think though that so long as you all practise good hygiene that coming to stay for a weekend would be of minimal risk.

I think you are being a bit silly particularly as your partner works for the NHS. Do you normally have this level of anxiety?

If you don’t want visitors to stay in your 3rd trimester - for whatever reason (for instance, they’re hard work at the best of times!) then that’s your choice. If people like to push your boundaries when your viewpoint doesn’t suit them, this will only escalate when baby is here so may as well have the battle now if this is what feels best for you to you. If she’s really that bothered, can she not stay somewhere like a hotel and meet you for a couple of walks? That’s what I would suggest if my child felt the way you do & I wouldn’t push that option either if they didn’t want to.

Have a relative that openly admits it’s very challenging for them if I don’t feel the way they wanted me to about things! It’s taken me many years to drop the family conditioning and realise that’s their issue and not a “shared” issue (that requires my capitulation!). It’s not unusual for parents to view their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals in their right - look at holistic phycologist & Mel Robbins on Facebook...they say it much better than I can. When you start enforcing your boundaries, others get disappointed - that’s human nature (& their disappointment is their responsibility to deal with).

Congratulations on your pregnancy, well done on getting a work set up going forward that works for you in these Covid-times. All the best for your 3rd trimester.

Sorry if I’ve missed something but are you saying you will ban your family and friends from visiting but you’re ok with a dp who works in front line nhs and has far more potential to bring COVID home? Or am I being particularly dim?

Seems an extreme reaction to me.

@CatSmith

Sorry if I’ve missed something but are you saying you will ban your family and friends from visiting but you’re ok with a dp who works in front line nhs and has far more potential to bring COVID home? Or am I being particularly dim?

Seems an extreme reaction to me.

I was just about to say that too.

YANBU.

If you let your mum come, then you would likely have to let your mil come or get grief about it. It’s a difficult time, but better to be safe than sorry in your condition.

Could she get a hotel and you two could social distance somewhere?

Your partner is a much higher (although still tiny) risk than your mother, unless she is being really reckless.

I don’t know why people are calling the OP anxious when she has stated she is following guidelines and advice she has been given by medical professionals?

Mother also works in the NHS and is just as frontline (more so in fact).

My DH takes precautions when he comes home, showering and change of clothes etc. It's not ideal but he isn't at liberty to change that role and that's something we have to live with. I see these things as different. The emotional and physical cost to me of him moving out would be significantly greater than not having DM around for a weekend.

Who has advised you to 'as good as shield', given that no one is officially shielding anymore?

Just to put the risk into perspective, a pregnant woman in her 30's is 10x more likely to die during childbirth than from Covid. Covid is scary but it isn't as scary to younger people as some people think and I find it helpful to know equivalent risks that have always existed

It's not unreasonable to take extra precautions, 12 weeks is a long time but not forever. Some people can't see dying relatives which must be devastating. It's disappointing for family not to see expectant mothers and new babies, but not the end of the world. There aren't currently good guidelines on visitors to new babies but the main risks that I am aware of are those of causing premature birth i.e. risks are less once baby is born.
I would be most concerned about your DP bringing covid home though??

@ChaChaCha2012

Who has advised you to 'as good as shield', given that no one is officially shielding anymore?

My midwives (I see two due this being a high risk pregnancy) and consultant.

Oh sorry, just saw your recent post OP