To not allow visitors in my third trimester

[user1487755366]

I'm currently pregnant. I've been following the Covid guidelines closely on the royal college of obstetricians website and have tried to be sensible without being neurotic. Up until now, I've been out and about as normal wearing face-masks and we've also hosted some visitors at home staying overnight at times and just being sensible. We live a good 4 hour journey from our families so when they come they really have to stay.

My work have been very supportive and have altered my role to non-student facing and allowed me to work from home from the third trimester as per guidance I've been given. It's my choice essentially.
A few family members including my mother have asked to come visit and we've said that that's fine as long as it's before my third trimester when I've been personally advised to 'as good as shield'. I have a few extra risk factors that make me extra vulnerable:

• expecting twins so more restriction on my diaphragm
• BME background
• partner is an NHS worker so already brings things home.

Our decision has reluctantly been supported by DH family who aren't happy about it but understand. However my mother is absolutely devastated and extremely angry resulting in a very difficult phone conversation today. She made out as if I was being ridiculous about following these rules to the letter. I said I had to be fair and consistent to DH family too and she disagreed saying she should be seen as an exception to this rule. I said I'd love her to come before hand (about a month away) and she said she didn't know if she had time but if she did she would just leave things at the door. I said DH could come collect them but she said no in a very bitter way. It was very unpleasant.

I had also said previously that I'd want her and DH at the birth. She asked about that again today and I said I'd love her to be there but rules in our hospital (and I think nationally) are that it's only one birth partner allowed and that would obviously be DH.
I'm used to her overreacting and I do, honestly, understand her upset about something like this but I'm now questioning myself. AIBU to enforce this rule so strictly?

YABU given no one is 'officially shielding' anymore. I am also pregnant in the 3rd trimester, black and asthmatic and consultant led for a few reasons. My midwife has not advised me to shield.

The guidance says to be cautious in the 3rd trimester but at no stage have pregnant woment been told to shield solely on the basis of being pregnant.

You seem overly anxious and can see why your mum is upset.

Hi OP, I would follow the medical advice you’ve been given. It sounds like you’ve come to a decision based on what you’re comfortable with as well, which is absolutely fine. I would also be cautious. I was very anxious during my pregnancy and that was before Covid!

Perhaps talk to your Mum again and emphasise that it’s medical advice, not what you do want to do, but you have to do it. Tell her how upset you are by having to do it. If she’s still upset then there’s not much you can do about it beyond maintaining your boundary and saying it isn’t your ideal scenario either.

Best wishes with your pregnancy

I don’t see how you can say you are shielding if you are still living with someone who is going out and you plan to go out as well.

It's not really hard to see why someone would want to limit their risk in the final trimester of a twin pregnancy.

Especially when your Mum is even more frontline NHS than your DH.

No point needlessly increasing your risk.

YANBU. It’s your health, your babies, you do what you want

I'm a little on the fence tbh. Frontline NHS workers were at one point having to live elsewhere to avoid infecting their families. Your husband is a far greater risk to you and the babies than your mum visiting. So if you're that concerned, why are you not addressing that?
However, this is what you've been advised by the professionals and your family will need to respect it. I have twins and the pregnancy and delivery is high risk so it makes sense to do what you can to make it as safe as possible.

I don't understand all these people saying the mother should get a test before visiting - on what grounds? In UK you can only have one if you habe symptoms (or live with someone who has). If everyone has one wnenever they fancy, we will run out again.

OP, your mum has a right to be upset bit I think you are doing the right thing by following the advice of your consultant/midwives. People saying 'i'm pregnant and high risk and haven't been told to shield ' - maybe you're not high risk in the same way as OP, otherwise you probably would have been told to.

I think given your situation you are being very sensible and in your shoes I would be following the guidelines given by your professionals. I hope you mum comes round to the reasons.
The next four weeks especially will be interesting with schools back and more things alreasy open e.g. soft play. We may start to see a rise again or we may not. The weather may impact a rise or it may not.
The important thing to remember is that as this is a new virus we aren't sure of the long term implications yet or how the virus will evolve. Science is important, I would keep an eye on the research (but not necessarily trust the government as they seem to disregard the science regulary!).
A lot of people seem to be just doing what they like now but you need to think about yours and your babies' health, yes the chances are everything will be fine BUT would you forgive yourself if you went against guidelines and something did happen?

Sorry typos.

I’m on my third trimester. There are a few women who have caught Covid in their third trimester and died, possibly because of the extra work your body has to do. We know it crosses the placenta, and we know that babies have been born with Covid, and we don’t know the long term impact.

I am normally very relaxed, but in your situation I would absolutely be being as careful as you can over the next few weeks.

Not being unreasonable at all!

The reactions here just show that lots of people either don't read the guidance or don't want to follow it.

I’m in my third tri, I want to follow the guidelines and I have read them. I’m still going to work in a job I can’t social distance in because I’m self employed and can’t afford to be off for 12 weeks unpaid, whilst still having business overheads and requiring a business to return to.

It really isn’t that straight forward for some.

Who has advised you to 'as good as shield', given that no one is officially shielding anymore? the point here is “officially” just because the government said people don’t have to shield doesn’t mean that the risks suddenly became less. It just means that certain things associated with shielding are no longer available.

I have different vulnerabilities and I to have been advised to as good as shield. I have bent a little in that I have my DP staying here this week for the first time since March. But we are strictly social distancing and he’s in the spare room.

TBH if I was pregnant with twins I’d be delighted at having a valid excuse for not hosting visitors.

Yes, people have to go to the shops, but the OP’s mum doesn’t have to be there, added to which, the very fact that she believes that she should be the exception is good enough reason to not let her come, IMO.

Just because other people are acting as if we’re no longer in a pandemic doesn’t mean those who are still taking it seriously shouldn’t.

The OP is acting on medical advice, not just on her own paranoia.

I think you should do whatever you feel is best for the health of you and your baby. Tbh, I'd be tempted to tell my mum (or anyone else for that matter) no, solely based on acting like this and trying to dismiss and bulldoze my feelings and decisions.

*YABU given no one is 'officially shielding' anymore. I am also pregnant in the 3rd trimester, black and asthmatic and consultant led for a few reasons. My midwife has not advised me to shield.

The guidance says to be cautious in the 3rd trimester but at no stage have pregnant woment been told to shield solely on the basis of being pregnant.*

Important word is guidance and her doctors have said different to her than what your midwife has said to you. They told her to shield, yours did not so why does your midwife trump her doctors?

Do what you feel happy and comfortable with. May have missed this, does your mum live close enough to not stay but meet for a walk or something?

My sister is pregnant at the moment and throughout lockdown has only seen people if they have been at home for 14 days, socially distanced from anyone else. So they're seeing me at the moment because I've been really careful, only going to supermarket/a couple of outdoor walks with friends, but if I popped round someone else's house, my sister would ask me to wait before visiting her again. Everyone has accepted this.