To not allow visitors in my third trimester

[user1487755366]

I'm currently pregnant. I've been following the Covid guidelines closely on the royal college of obstetricians website and have tried to be sensible without being neurotic. Up until now, I've been out and about as normal wearing face-masks and we've also hosted some visitors at home staying overnight at times and just being sensible. We live a good 4 hour journey from our families so when they come they really have to stay.

My work have been very supportive and have altered my role to non-student facing and allowed me to work from home from the third trimester as per guidance I've been given. It's my choice essentially.
A few family members including my mother have asked to come visit and we've said that that's fine as long as it's before my third trimester when I've been personally advised to 'as good as shield'. I have a few extra risk factors that make me extra vulnerable:

• expecting twins so more restriction on my diaphragm
• BME background
• partner is an NHS worker so already brings things home.

Our decision has reluctantly been supported by DH family who aren't happy about it but understand. However my mother is absolutely devastated and extremely angry resulting in a very difficult phone conversation today. She made out as if I was being ridiculous about following these rules to the letter. I said I had to be fair and consistent to DH family too and she disagreed saying she should be seen as an exception to this rule. I said I'd love her to come before hand (about a month away) and she said she didn't know if she had time but if she did she would just leave things at the door. I said DH could come collect them but she said no in a very bitter way. It was very unpleasant.

I had also said previously that I'd want her and DH at the birth. She asked about that again today and I said I'd love her to be there but rules in our hospital (and I think nationally) are that it's only one birth partner allowed and that would obviously be DH.
I'm used to her overreacting and I do, honestly, understand her upset about something like this but I'm now questioning myself. AIBU to enforce this rule so strictly?

So if your 2 midwives and consultant have advised you to "shield", why are you asking randoms on the internet?

The OP is pregnant with twins during a pandemic. If she doesn't want to host visitors in the last few weeks of her pregnancy then who are we to judge? Who of us would even actually want to host overnight guests whilst in the later stages of a twin pregnancy?

Thank God you have the pandemic as a reason not to, imo.

Also: I know a good few people (transplant recipients, people on chemo) who ARE still shielding.
Just because the government says you don't need to doesn't mean these people are suddenly safe.

So, you are "as good as shielding" but still go to the shops - where, whether you socially distance from the people around you or not, 100's of people have breathed their germs/ touched things etc, and your DP is an NHS worker, but you think seeing your own Mum (or any other family member) in your own home is an unacceptable risk? This is bonkers- either you are shielding on not - you currently are very much not but are still cutting your family out. When will this end? Will your Mum be allowed to meet her grandchild?

OP, I think that you are totally right. Official guidance is for women to restrict interactions with others (not including father of baby) in third trimester. The reactions here just show that lots of people either don't read the guidance or don't want to follow it. The risk your partner presents is irrelevant as to whether to ask another person inside your house - they are an additional risk, even if a small one.

I am in my second trimester and have been seeing people with masks/outside/following guidance, but current guidance is about restricting risk in third trimester. I think that you are doing the right thing, both in following medical advice AND in not adopting different visitation rules for your DH's family - I think that both sets of grandparents should have similar rules on visits (though of course something like who sees you give birth should be a matter of choice - no need to practise equality in terms of who sees your baby come out of your vagina!).

My sister works on the frontline in the nhs, and when my DD2 comes in november she has said she will have a covid test before coming to visit (she lives 3 hours away so it will be a 4 day visit where she stays in a hotel). Could your mother not do the same before she comes to visit? I understand your concerns but I think there are ways to mitigate the risk, especially if you are already exposed to the same level of risk coming from your DH.

But I would suggest your mum stays in a hotel anyway - much less stressful for you in every way and less risk!

It's your pregnancy, you've been advised by your medical professionals, it's really up to you. I think you'll get a lot of stick on here calling you precious/ anxious but many of those women have not been in your very unusual position (high risk and a pandemic).

I can understand your mum feeling hurt but it's not about her, it's about you and your safety.
Can you placate her with some video calls and little granny gifts in the run up to male her feel included?

I'd ignore her tantrum.

I'm worse than you. Nobody is entering my house till there is a vaccine. Both DH and me and vulnerable and people clearly can't be trusted to practice good hygiene/ social distance/ follow the WHO guidelines. People still go to parties, to restaurants et cetera. These are all still a risk. It might be allowed, but it doesn't mean that it's safe. Just because your dh works for the NHS doesn't mean that that would suddenly be a good readon to take even more risks. People will just have to respect your decision and your boundaries. If they can't then tough luck, they don't get to decide about your health.

I feel that it is dangerous manipulation to call it anxiety et cetera when people follow medical advice to stay safe. It reeks of knowing better when you don't have the facts or the profession to make these decisions.

I don’t think YABU, OP. I have just given birth and spent the second and third trimester at home - working from home and not going anywhere except essential medical appointments and to local nature trails with my DS. I have asthma and my DS is under a consultant for respiratory issues so he needed to be shielded anyway. Boris Johnson can tell me anything he wants about no longer shielding but the day I act on advice from that man is the day I hang my boots up, quite frankly. If you feel safer being at home and not in contact with family members living outside the home then go for it. It’s not hurting anyone and will reassure you.

@SqidgeBum

My sister works on the frontline in the nhs, and when my DD2 comes in november she has said she will have a covid test before coming to visit (she lives 3 hours away so it will be a 4 day visit where she stays in a hotel). Could your mother not do the same before she comes to visit? I understand your concerns but I think there are ways to mitigate the risk, especially if you are already exposed to the same level of risk coming from your DH.

^This

As you are having twins you need to plan to ensure you have help after the birth when your partner goes back to work. Do you have a helpful relative who can move in with you after they have had a Covid test?

So when are they allowed to see you? When there’s a vaccine? Your twins will be what, almost 2 before they can see anyone other than you and your DH?

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm currently almost 37 weeks. My dad lives in America and decided he wanted to spend a week in France before coming to see me and meet his first grandchild. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable with him staying in my home with my newborn who has no immune system, so soon after visiting tourist spots and spending so long enclosed on a plane with people he didn't know. He booked a cottage for two weeks with the intention of then staying with us for a further week following that. I'm relatively high risk, as I have asthma but in all honesty, I don't want to contract COVID in my last few weeks of pregnancy, which would make for a more difficult birth and potentially put my midwives at risk. As a result, I barely go into shops, haven't set foot in a restaurant and don't plan to for the foreseeable future. I had a sigh of relief when the quarantine rules from France came in, as this meant he would have to quarantine himself for two week, not because I've asked him to, but because he's required to. Honestly, if someone is expecting to stay in your home, I think they should respect your wishes.

You're partner is your biggest risk

Who is going to help you when the twins arrive??

@PotteringAlong

So when are they allowed to see you? When there’s a vaccine? Your twins will be what, almost 2 before they can see anyone other than you and your DH?

That's a very unhelpful, goading response.

This isn't an AIBU. You're acting on the advice of two midwives and a consultant and you have clearly made your decision so there is nothing that anyone can say that would make any difference.

If you're looking for solidarity with people who feel the same way as you you might find more support in Pregnancy. If you're looking for arguments to strengthen your resolve or to practise your refutations for real-life arguments then just say as much.

There is no shielding any more. It is great that you have come to an agreement with work, socially I think you are free to decide who you can see or visit you, but I do think you are perhaps being overly cautious.

My sister is currently very poorly (terminally ill in fact) in hospital and I am in there regularly. The medical staff certainly know all the rules and I am often in a small room with one or two of them discussing her situation, they have often said we are far enough apart to take off our masks, so if you can sit a couple of metres away from your mother whilst she visits, I am sure there is no danger. Your partner, due to his job, sounds more of a risk to be honest.

@Ajahd your baby will have no immune system? Antibodies from the mother are usually passed to her unborn baby through the placenta, so the baby would have passive immunity to viruses and bacteria the mother had been expose to at birth.
OP if you don't want to see your mother then don't. If you wanted to see her then she could stay overnight in a hotel and you could socially distance. Of course she's hurt because she loves you and wants to see you. I think zoom/Skype/FaceTime is the way forward. Are you going to let her visit you're babies at all?

@Florencex

So when the OP's mother comes to stay, the OP has to be responsible for making sure she is always 1m away, that they don't share plating up of food, don't eat at the same dinner table?

Do you think that the OP's mum is likely to respect this or will be a total pain in the bum and heckle her about it being unnecessary continuously, given she hasn't really made any effort to compromise with the OP or see her point of view so far.

Don't you think this will be more stressful for the OP having someone who feels entitled to be there and doesn't seem to care about her feelings on this or the medical advice given in the house?

@user1487755366 it wasn’t meant to be unhelpful or goading, it was meant to make you think what your end point is for this. Because you will go from being pregnant to having young babies. And there really does need to be an end point for both you and your families.

OP, seriously, would your mom getting swabbed before visiting not solve this entire issue?

You've made your decision so there is no point hand-wringing over it. You have decided that the risk presented by your partner is acceptable because he is indispensable to you, but the equivalent risk from your mother is unacceptable because she is not. That's a valid judgement but it doesn't make it any less hurtful for your mother to hear.

You do need to consider your exit strategy from this, though. You are going to need support with twins.

Not unreasonable. Follow the medical advice given and restate these factually to your mother when she becomes upset. She needs to understand pregnant women in their third trimester have died or become very ill- would she want that for you? Or even if you get a moderate dose or covid, being very pregnant is hard enough as it is without adding breathing problems on top.

I am in my third trimester now and not seeing family or friends in my home.

OP, I think you’re getting a pretty harsh response on here! I imagine very few of the posters have been in the situation of being in a high risk pregnancy to twins in the middle of a pandemic.

FWIW, I’m about to enter my third trimester and my husband works frontline NHS and my DS is starting school. We live a distance from family and not going to be having people to stay in the near future. I’ll still see people out and about and go to the shops, but I’m also working from home. The risk of transmission is higher inside your home by family that don’t particularly want to socially distance (plus in laws are in lockdown hotspot areas but ignoring the lockdown guidance). The last trimester is only twelve weeks! The argument that your partner is already a risk so you should get over it is ridiculous. Just because there’s one risk in your life, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sensible about everything else! I’ve had a miserable hyperemesis pregnancy and tbh I think being pregnant (or even worse being in labour) and having covid symptoms sounds even more miserable, and I don’t have any of the additional risk factors!

After baby is born, not sure what we’ll do. I don’t want visitors immediately after anyway as family were a bit full on after the birth of my son, but I think once baby’s a week or so old we’ll either have grandparents round for a short visit and cuddle (with washed hands, clean clothes and a mask) or meet them outdoors for the same. Might be a second lockdown by then, in which case no visits.

Seriously, you’re pregnant with twins. You are a hero (I hate singlet pregnancies!)! No one who cares about you should be putting pressure on you or upsetting you right now!

Good luck with it all.

YADNBU. The advice from your HCP is evidence based and designed to safeguard you and your babies during your high risk pregnancy. Tbh I'm surprised your Mum, as a HCP, is questioning this and putting you under pressure. Perhaps suggest she have a read of the RCOG guidelines. That equally goes for the posters on here suggesting the OP is being anxious or overly cautious.