To ask DH to contribute to childcare?

[Changeditagain]

Name changed as some personal info given.

When dc was born dh wanted his parents to give childcare as they take care of grandchildren in the family. Their last grandchild is 7 years older than our dc and mil and fil struggle to walk/ lift plus some of my own issues!
I sold nursery to dh as I said I'd be paying it wouldn't affect his wage (I was on £800 pcm more than him so no issue).

I lost my job just before COVID-19.

I now have a new job which isn't as well paid so I earn less than him.

He pays out £300 a month to his ex for his eldest child support.

Childcare is £850 a month.

All bills, mortgage etc are split in half so that is taken care of through a joint account.

I have a dog and pay the medication bills/ vets bills/ food as I see it as my dog my choice and a prior agreement.

He would pay half for childcare if I told him to but I feel bad asking. He doesn't spend wisely and will waste money on crap gadgets and alcohol whereas I choose to spend most of my money on dc's clothes/ toys.

AIBU to ask for half when he never wanted paid for childcare in the first place?

If I don't I'll be pissed off he's left with money to play with while I have to be cautious. But on the other hand think he should contribute.

TIA

Your situation has changed, of course he should pay half of the nursery cost.

Your reasons for not wanting his parents to provide sole care for your child sound sensible if they have some mobility issues.

As a compromise, and only if he complains, perhaps you could suggest dropping a day at nursery so the grandparents can have the child one day a week and you'd save a fifth of your childcare cost.

It’s sad that you need to ask this. Of course he should contribute. How you divide your finances is up to you but expenses like mortgage and childcare are family expenses not lifestyle choices such as owning a dog.

I don’t think you should be asking him to pay half of the cost for childcare. In your situation I would present him with the cost and see what he says, he may surprise you.
What is your plan if he says no, his mum would do it for free so therefore I am not paying??
This would be a big problem, because he would be telling you it’s his way or you pay. Not a nice trait to have.

of course he should pay towards childcare for his own child, his parents looking after them isn't a viable option if they're not capable

Who came first, him or the dog?
It’s a family dog isn’t it. Why are you solely responsible for financial obligations?

You are married and have a DC and you pay 50/50 for stuff even though he earns much more than you?

I think the whole setup is odd. Why don't you pool your money instead? That is the only way it makes sense of you are earners on very different levels.

Sorry o wasn’t clear. I meant I would begin asking because it’s absolutely his responsibility to pay have. Is be giving him the bill in one hand and taking half in the other. This shouldn’t even need to be discussed. It’s obvious.

You have a very odd way of thinking about family finances. You share children together yet you are reluctant to share childcare costs?

I’d work it out so you have equal money (and free time!) left over at the end of the month. Doesn’t matter who earns more.

Children’s clothes & toys are a joint expense so shouldn’t be coming from your spending money.

OP, sorry in advance for this rant - constructive ideas at the end

Dear God, why did you have a child with a man who thinks childcare is your responsibility????????

Of course he pays half - women are shooting themselves in the foot all over the country if they let childcare expenses come out of their salary alone - then it seems as if minding children is their job - guess what, unless you are a SAHM it is not.

His parents minding the children was not cost free surely - how do people think they can exploit their parents into minding their children for free??????? I am honestly astounded at people who would even entertain this.

Also, elderly grandparents should be avoiding children in this Covid environment so you could use that.

Also, you need to be more assertive - why are you afraid to discuss this with your DH? He should not even have to be told, he was a dick in the start to say yes to you paying 100% of childcare - how do you split other household expenses?

Total up the entire cost of all of your bills: phone, insurances, electricity, gas, petrol, food, childcare, dog, step children. Then see what percentage of your current salary you are spending on them vs your DH. I would hazard a guess that you have far less money left over because you are contributing far more of less money.

Now work out what is 80% of your salary and what is 80% of your DH's salary. Does that cover all the outgoings? Tweak it until it does. Then from now on you both transfer that % of your salary into your joint account and all family bills go out of that. You should be left with equal spends. That's far, far more fair.

His parents are unfit to look after your joint children. He probably now realises this. You don't have a job. Who else will pay the childcare bills?

Just ask him.

Have a discussion with your DH about how to arrange the finances, especially childcare, now that you earn less than before.

There are good reasons why childminding by your in-laws would be a bad idea, as stated in previous posts, so be ready to explain those to him.

I see no problem with the 50/50 arrangement for bills but childcare should also be 50/50.

I hope your DH can see this is his responsibility too.

The fairest way to look at this is to pay all joint bills out of your joint income.

Put all your income into one account. Pay your mortgage, bills, cost of getting to work, food and costs for your shared DC like childcare from this account. Make sure you have some savings for annual and irregular expenses like Christmas, insurance, car replacement, broken washing machines, etc etc from this money.

Only then think about his money and her money by splitting what's left 50/50 for personal spending. I think in your case, I'd treat the cost of the dog and his DC in the same way, so either both come out of the joint pot or both out of your own personal spends so a similar effect on both of you. He can then spend his own personal money on booze and crap gadgets, but you shouldn't be spending your personal money on essentials for your children, that's a joint expense.

You are married with children and pets. Pool your money and pay the bills out of the pot. We don’t have a joint bank account, but we do effectively pool and freely share money between us. I cannot imagine a scenario in which the pet food has to specifically come out of my bank account because I suggested we get a dog!

I love how every single ranty reply has completely ignored all the particular facts that are the reasons why she thinks she might be unreasonable...

OMG, he has another and won't pay for your shared child.
Obvious why he is someone's ex.
You are married, all money is shared and would be considered so in a divorce.
Pool it all and then split what is left between you both.
If he doesn't agree then you've managed to land a financially abusive DH, congratulations.

Of course he should pay half. It should go without saying.

I don’t understand your setup. You’re married and have kids, yet have separate finances? What’s the point in that?

You shouldn’t even have to ask him

@Figgygal

You shouldn’t even have to ask him

This!

@RandomLondoner

I love how every single ranty reply has completely ignored all the particular facts that are the reasons why she thinks she might be unreasonable...

Please enlighten us - for the "ranty" amongst us.

OP, why do you have separate finances if you are married with a child? Honest question - I never fail to be amazed at the belief on MN that family finances should all be separate - really if you feel like that, why get married?

His money is yours and vise versa - you are married so there shouldn't be any separation of income OR expenditure!

I cannot understand why people even get married (let alone have children) if they do not take on this basic and fundamental notion.

You’re married, you have children together, it should just all be family money anyway. Never understood keeping money separate once married. It would all be included in any divorce settlement so include it in your actual marriage!