To ask DH to contribute to childcare?

[Changeditagain]

Name changed as some personal info given.

When dc was born dh wanted his parents to give childcare as they take care of grandchildren in the family. Their last grandchild is 7 years older than our dc and mil and fil struggle to walk/ lift plus some of my own issues!
I sold nursery to dh as I said I'd be paying it wouldn't affect his wage (I was on £800 pcm more than him so no issue).

I lost my job just before COVID-19.

I now have a new job which isn't as well paid so I earn less than him.

He pays out £300 a month to his ex for his eldest child support.

Childcare is £850 a month.

All bills, mortgage etc are split in half so that is taken care of through a joint account.

I have a dog and pay the medication bills/ vets bills/ food as I see it as my dog my choice and a prior agreement.

He would pay half for childcare if I told him to but I feel bad asking. He doesn't spend wisely and will waste money on crap gadgets and alcohol whereas I choose to spend most of my money on dc's clothes/ toys.

AIBU to ask for half when he never wanted paid for childcare in the first place?

If I don't I'll be pissed off he's left with money to play with while I have to be cautious. But on the other hand think he should contribute.

TIA

I agree with PP that it’s sad you even think you have to ask this.

They’re his children. You didn’t have a virgin conception. Childcare should be shared 50/50 and should be what’s best for the child not the grandparents!

Get strong OP. Good luck!

For clarity the child in nursery is his right?

Of course he should pay, he doenst contribute for his child, he pays half.

You need to rethink childcare together and come to a joint agreement based on your joint income and outgoings.

I also am a firm advocate of one-pot finances where there are children for exactly this kind of reason. As far as the law is concerned your money is joint money. It's appalling that one parent is free to splurge money on themselves while the other has to spend theirs on basic family expenses like childcare. It was one of the issues that led to me losing all respect for my first DH and ultimately ending in divorce.

@RandomLondoner

I love how every single ranty reply has completely ignored all the particular facts that are the reasons why she thinks she might be unreasonable...

I haven’t ignored anything, it just doesn’t make sense. There is no scenario or “particular facts” that would ever make it reasonable for one parent to have to shoulder all the child care costs. It is joint, family money.

I'm married with kids and have separate finances. For those of you questioning the OP on this it was just the norm for me, my parents always managed money this way and it is reassurance that should I ever need (or should he leave me) to leave I can exctricate myself financially very easily.
Also a similar situation in that I pushed for creche over his family minding them, for various reasons. He always paid half, was never a thought that he wouldn't.

Have you asked him?

Of course he should pay, his child he pays half. He pays half of clothes, toys etc too.

Set up a joint account for your wage and his wage, and everything is paid out of the one account, problem solved

@Mylittlepony374

I'm married with kids and have separate finances. For those of you questioning the OP on this it was just the norm for me, my parents always managed money this way and it is reassurance that should I ever need (or should he leave me) to leave I can exctricate myself financially very easily. Also a similar situation in that I pushed for creche over his family minding them, for various reasons. He always paid half, was never a thought that he wouldn't.

Keeping your money separately, does not mean that you can walk away any more easily than if it were physically pooled. It would still need to be declared ahead of a financial settlement agreement, you don’t get to walk away with whatever is in your own personal bank account.

"with my wages going down, I'm going to put the nursery bill through the joint account, you're ok with that aren't you?"

@Florencex thanks. As I said, it's normal in my upbringing to have separate finances. Maybe you're right about ability to extricate myself, hopefully I'll never find out, but I still prefer separate. It's not a given you have to merge finances upon marriage was really the point I was trying to make.

No but if Pony needed to our a deposit down on a flat, she could do so safely without him knowing. If she said she wanted to break up, he couldn't draw all the money out and leave her stuff. If she got it he couldn't freeze their account so she'd be stuck. There's a lot more security in having your own account even if long term you have to hand over some of that cash

you should each pay proportionate to your wages so if he earns 10% more than he pays childcare 10% more - should be same for housing etc and food etc - proportionate into the pot

Presumably you live together, don't couples have an account for joint expenses like this. BTW the dog is part of the family.

But OP is asking him to contribute to something that he thinks he can get for free. Surely the logical approach is to convince him that his plan of using his parents for childcare is the next step? If you can get him to agree on that then you can work out who pays for what.

Sorry, confusing. He needs to agree that using grandparents for childcare is not an option.

@GisAFag

Presumably you live together, don't couples have an account for joint expenses like this. BTW the dog is part of the family.

Why does everyone who cohabits immediately have to have a joint account? Plenty of us are quite able to have grown up discussions about money whilst keeping separate accounts

Why wasn't he contributing financially in the first place?

@SueEllenMishke

Why wasn't he contributing financially in the first place?

Rtft. He didn't want to use it and she earned far more so agreed to pay it all

Yes he should now pay half.

I did read the full thread. Paying for your children shouldn't be optional.
She has valid reasons for not wanting to use his parents which he should respect.
He's a disgrace

@SueEllenMishke

I did read the full thread. Paying for your children shouldn't be optional. She has valid reasons for not wanting to use his parents which he should respect. He's a disgrace

Which is a valid point, but then why ask a question that was covered quote clearly. And if she's earning £800 more than him she should be paying more of the bills than him. They're paying half half on everything else so it's probably works or right anyway. Now finances have changed obv who pays what should too

He should pay half. Of course you shouldn't feel bad, especially since it sounds like he would waste the money on crap anyway. May aswell get him spending it on something useful.

If it’s his child then childcare is as much his responsibility as yours, ed of.

Childcare isn't 100% of your responsibility.

Therefore, it might differ in what split works for you.. but it shouldn't be paid 100% by you.

What an odd idea, that you have to cover all the childcare bill - you don't have to justify paying for childcare, in a childcare setting kids get to socialise, meet friends, have carers with proper first aid certificates, get into messy playrooms, etc.. which they don't neccesarily get with family members. Family care doesn't suit all families or all children even.

Why you ever paid 100% childcare costs is bonkers!

AIBU to ask for half when he never wanted paid for childcare in the first place?

You’re responsible for 2.5 days of childcare each, each week.

You can put your child in a nursery for your 2.5 days, and he can decide what to do for his 2.5 days. He either pays half the nursery bill, or he asks his mum to do 2.5 days ON THE PROVISO that/when his mum is flaky, it is up to him to provide cover. He can’t ask his mum to do it, and then expect you to step in when she lets you down.