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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In expecting some help?

62 replies

Gkjja · 26/08/2020 22:42

2 late teens still living at home.
One is basically nocturnal but will help without complaint when awake.
Other considers that having a job exempts them from any household chores.
Last weekend my partner was visiting (long distance relationship) and offered to help me with some garden tasks, specifically painting the fence panels (there are about 40, of which 20 are the slot in type). I have a very fancy sprayer which can complete this task quickly however I can't use it with the slot in panels in situ because obviously it doesn't paint the whole panel and also because the panels are near my neighbours house who would kick off if any fence paint cane through. DP said that we could lift out the panels.

Asked DC for help as we couldn't do it without them (I am the shortest and also not very strong so struggle to lift panels etc. So nocturnal DC says they will help if other does; other DC response is no, I'm not doing that. It's too difficult and a waste of my time. You should just do it with the panels in place.

No other help was offered. The fence is still unpainted.

I found the response quite rude; I appreciated my partner's offer to help, he has his own house and stuff to do yet often ends up having to help me with tasks I can't do alone because my DC either are not awake to help or just refuse.

This weekend they are having friends round, I am away for the weekend but have been cleaning until 10 every night, tomorrow I have work plus a final clean to do (I have to clean all the loos as they never leave them in a fit state, plus if they have anything to eat tomorrow there will be crumbs and food everywhere so I'll need to hoover, mop floor and wash up!), and I know by the time I come home it will be a tip.

So WIBU to expect some help in the garden given everything else I already do?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/08/2020 22:44

Why on earth are you cleaning for them to have guests?! Stop being such a door mat.

Look up rates for a lodger with a maid service.

SBTLove · 26/08/2020 22:46

You’re cleaning for them to have friend round?
Give yourself a break!!
Do your own laundry and buy ad cook
your own food and leave the lazy lumps to it.
I hope the working one at least pays digs.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 26/08/2020 22:48

I would remind them thay they will need you before you need them - so next time they ask for a lift for eg say no...and mean it. They will soon get the idea.

katy1213 · 26/08/2020 22:50

You're cleaning loos for an invasion of teenage boys? It's not like they'll even notice!
If they won't pull their weight, tell the one with a job that it's time he moved out.

Justkeeprollingalong · 26/08/2020 22:53

Why are you cleaning until 10pm for several nights so your lazy boys can have friends around?
A) grow a pair
B) clean after they've been, not before!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 26/08/2020 22:53

They need to do the cleaning for their own mates! As well as helping with general tasks when asked. Wtaf?

Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 22:57

I can't allow people in the house if it is not clean. The non nocturnal DC will also complain if its not been hoovered etc.

Don't pay as they are on minimum wage/ not working. They do mostly cook for themselves but leave mess everywhere which I have to clear up as I can't live with it.

They have their own car so never need a lift from me. Indeed as my car gave up the ghost at the start of lockdown and I haven't replaced it because I am now permanently working from home I end up borrowing their car (which creates an expectation that I should do things for them as they are letting me have the car,).

OP posts:
BurnIt · 26/08/2020 22:59

Ha ha fuck that shit. Stop doing stuff for them! Say well you wouldn't even help me with a small job at the weekend so no

No washing, cooking, cleaning

Do you understand you are spoiling them...

Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 22:59

If they won't help my partner and I in the garden, they're not going to do other tasks voluntarily.

It hasn't always been this bad, as young children they would collect up laundry for me, strip beds for washing, help me hoover. But the older they get the worse it is, they do less now not more.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 26/08/2020 23:00

DC will also complain if its not been hoovered etc
Jesus wept woman, stand up to this pair of chancers! Minimum wage or not they live there, it costs money to runs. house, they make a mess so they clean up!!
Pity the poor ppl who end up with these two as partners!

BurnIt · 26/08/2020 23:00

Ok if you wont allow people if its not clean

Essy peasy no guests then. Its your house....

BurnIt · 26/08/2020 23:01

Its your way or move out ffs

Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 23:02

I have to live here, I am here all day as work from home, I can't live in a shit tip which it would be within 48 hours if I stopped doing anything. I would find it intolerable.

I don't care about doing the bulk of it. I just think if I ask for help it should be given. Not that's pointless, it's too much hard work.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2020 23:04

Is this a wind up?

FrenchBoule · 26/08/2020 23:08

Time for your kids to find their own accommodation and for you to stop being their maid.

I would clean communal areas but wouldn’t touch the bedrroms. I would also stop any services for the one that refused help-cooking, washing, pocket money, phone bill and lifts if needed.Anything really as it’s “difficult and waste of my time”.

Entitled lazy git.
Shocking attitude.

1Morewineplease · 26/08/2020 23:09

They’re walking all over you and guilt-tripping you into doing their bidding.
This needs to stop...NOW!
Yes, you’d find it intolerable , but they clearly know this too.

Sack them off for a week and do nothing at all for them. Wash and clean your things only and if they complain, then explain why.

You’re enabling them to live entitled lives.

Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 23:13

They do clean their own rooms, well I don't really clean them. I wash the windows in their rooms every few months and hoover them weekly but that's it. I could stop that.

I don't give them any money, or pay for phones, they have a car. I only cook 2-3 times a week, so there not much I can reduce there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 23:17

The problem with downing tools for a week is one of them has their girlfriend round 2-3 days a week (and I hate people seeing my house dirty or untidy which is it if I stop doing anything), plus it's unfair on my DP when he visits to have to tolerate the mess.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 26/08/2020 23:17

Do not clean or hoover in their rooms, no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning up after them at all.
Do for yourself only!!
I cannot believe the audacity of them to complain!!!
You are letting them walk all over you.

SBTLove · 26/08/2020 23:18

Also loosen up ffs, I’m sure the gf if she uses their room knows who is responsible for the mess!

Original poster
Gkjja · 26/08/2020 23:18

I'm not sure there is an answer to this. I just feel quite ground down by it, because I seem to be cleaning constantly and the house is always a state. And any bit of help is never given willingly, well certainly not by one of them.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 26/08/2020 23:20

There is an answer as you’ve been told repeatedly!!
Stop doing it, a teenage girl isn’t judging your cleanliness, the world won’t end if your house doesn’t get scrubbed for a week.
You are being a martyr, no point moaning if you won’t help yourself.

Rennlau · 26/08/2020 23:20

No, no absolutely not.

They are adults, they should be paying rent and a portion of the utilities, they should be participating in the upkeep of your/their home.

I mean this respectfully, but I think you're infantilising, this will only prolong them from being the well-adjusted, competent adults they are (or should be) capable of being by now, don't limit them in this way and demand more of them.

Also, the audacity to expect you to do "things for them" as a transaction for them allowing you to borrow their car, do you refill the fuel, use it to go shopping for the home? Yet they can't comprehend paying for their own living expenses or participate in the upkeep of their home.

Please don't clean your home for the purpose of their guests.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 23:23

Don't allow them to have guests. Including the girlfriend. They are disrespectful to you and are treating you like an absolute doormat.

Your teenage son would be unhappy with YOU because HE left his crumbs on the floor.

You need to stand up to them and lay down the law in your own house. Their future partners will be coming here to complain about them no doubt.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 26/08/2020 23:25

I’m curious as to what you want from this thread? I mean will a load of YANBUs make a jot of difference? I’m not trying to be snarky but I don’t see that strangers on the internet agreeing that yes indeed, they should help when asked will change anything. It seems to me that they don’t respect you and you don’t expect them to!

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