In expecting some help?

[Gkjja]

2 late teens still living at home.
One is basically nocturnal but will help without complaint when awake.
Other considers that having a job exempts them from any household chores.
Last weekend my partner was visiting (long distance relationship) and offered to help me with some garden tasks, specifically painting the fence panels (there are about 40, of which 20 are the slot in type). I have a very fancy sprayer which can complete this task quickly however I can't use it with the slot in panels in situ because obviously it doesn't paint the whole panel and also because the panels are near my neighbours house who would kick off if any fence paint cane through. DP said that we could lift out the panels.

Asked DC for help as we couldn't do it without them (I am the shortest and also not very strong so struggle to lift panels etc. So nocturnal DC says they will help if other does; other DC response is no, I'm not doing that. It's too difficult and a waste of my time. You should just do it with the panels in place.

No other help was offered. The fence is still unpainted.

I found the response quite rude; I appreciated my partner's offer to help, he has his own house and stuff to do yet often ends up having to help me with tasks I can't do alone because my DC either are not awake to help or just refuse.

This weekend they are having friends round, I am away for the weekend but have been cleaning until 10 every night, tomorrow I have work plus a final clean to do (I have to clean all the loos as they never leave them in a fit state, plus if they have anything to eat tomorrow there will be crumbs and food everywhere so I'll need to hoover, mop floor and wash up!), and I know by the time I come home it will be a tip.

So WIBU to expect some help in the garden given everything else I already do?

Why are you saying DC, rather than DS or DD?

Not that if really matters, I suppose. You're being an idiot here. Sorry to be rude, but why the fuck are you cleaning for them if their such shits to you?

I mean, I already know the answer, but yeah..

I voted YANBU but actually YABU. You've raised your children to treat you as a maid in your own home and are then surprised they won't help you with a task that offers them no benefit?

Actually worse than a maid because at least maids are paid!

Obviously you won't stop dusting and hoovering behind them, you won't tell them to buck up - so what will you do OP? Do either of them pay you any keep? For food even? I'm imagining at least one is 18 or older.

Wow cross-posted with your later posts - so these are not a 16 and 18 year old. They're older. And you rush round cleaning the house so that the girlfriend of one of them doesn't judge 'you'.

Yay, more men who think women exist to be their skivvy.

Ffs, my 6yo is more helpful

@Gkjja

They do clean their own rooms, well I don't really clean them. I wash the windows in their rooms every few months and hoover them weekly but that's it. I could stop that.

I don't give them any money, or pay for phones, they have a car. I only cook 2-3 times a week, so there not much I can reduce there.

If they clean their rooms they seemingly don't like living in a dirty or untidy room, yet it seem that they could not care less about you having to live in their mess outside their rooms.

Time to fight fire with fire OP, collect their mess from around the house including, kitchen, bathroom - COLLECT IT ALL, dump it all in their rooms, preferably their beds.
It's petty, it may mean you're living in a warzone, but it might be the shock to the system they need.

Your situation is the reason I told my DC, from the age of 8 plus, that as adults they will be helping in the house or will sadly have to leave, so best learn to vacuum, tidy etc. now.

They have arms and legs, same as you, they live in the same house. Set a deadline..."over next month housework and garden help must be done or I'm giving you notice to leave. I'll provide the black bags for you to pack if you prefer this option."

Why are you being such a doormat?

You have made yourself their maid. The nocturnal one should be looking for work if they aren’t in education full time, and the working one needs to either pay keep or work it off. No more cooking until they can clean, no more friends to stay until they can clean up for them.
They don’t respect you, don’t be a door mat, take back control... NOW!

You need to grow a pair and read the riot act. Wrote down a list of chores that they are responsible for. It is YOUR house. And if they fail/don't like it then good luck with finding alternative accommodation on minimum wage/no salary. And no you can't have your girlfriend or friends over. Living together requires compromise and at the moment you re giving and they are taking. But you have to take action and take back control.

It is difficult, I can say don't have friends over but if I'm not here I can't control what they do.

I've not babied them, I never have - I read threads on here where 9 year olds can't get themselves a drink or cereal, mine were making their own breakfasts at 3 or 4, dressing themselves, then when a bit older sorting washing, stripping beds, loading dishwasher, I was leaving them at home alone in school holidays etc from the age of 10...but somehow they've gone backwards. It's not that they don't know how to do things or that I've not taught them, I don't really understand why they are behaving like this.

Stop the girlfriend coming over for a start.

They’re behaving this way because you allow it. I’d be telling them the house rules and if they don’t follow them they have 30 days to leave. And mean it. They are walking all over you and you’re creating lazy, entitled people. It stops when you step up and stop it.

They were making their own breakfast at 3 and now they can't even pick up their own crumbs?

The reason they are behaving that way is because you're allowing it. I'd be putting my foot down right now and laying out the new rules. Things have to change and they can show you a bit of respect and pull their weight.

Draw up a rota. You can do plenty if they defy you and have people in the house when you've said no. You can tell them to start looking for somewhere else to live!

Are you scared of them?

You use their car? Who paid for it? You, I bet. Stop bloody cleaning for their mates to come round! This is madness, don”t you see this? You buy their food, I bet. Stop that. Don’t do their washing/clean their rooms, fuck that shit!

Ya by on expecting help
Yabu in allowing them to not help.

You're letting your children treat you like crap. So either do something about it (like stop being a doormat, tell your kids to shape up or move out and mean it) or stop moaning about it

I remember my mum gathering everything I'd randomly left around the house and either dumping it on my bed (dirty plates, empty packets etc) or putting in a black bag and putting in the outside bin (clothes, schoolwork etc). Only happened once because I knew she wasn't playing around when I had to rake through a black bag to find my homework which was due the next morning.

@Shizzlestix

You use their car? Who paid for it? You, I bet. Stop bloody cleaning for their mates to come round! This is madness, don”t you see this? You buy their food, I bet. Stop that. Don’t do their washing/clean their rooms, fuck that shit!

no, the car is on a PCP agreement, I haven't paid anything towards it.

And yes age 3 they were capable of doing their own breakfast, by which I mean getting out a bowl, putting cereal and milk in it, or making a slice of bread and jam.

Sometimes, I read threads on here about women with ridiculous, cocklodger partners and I wonder how men could actually grow up to act like that.

This is how.

Don’t know what the answer is but I’m sad for you, OP, that you can allow yourself to be so disrespected. I’m not surprised you feel ground down.

I notice you mention control, I think this is an issue; you want ppl to see you have a perfect home and won’t risk it for the sake of standing up to these users.
Why do you care what their friends think?
I’d go away for the weekend and leave it, teenagers aren’t doing an aggie & kim
on your house!!

There's not been much talk of the fence panels either. They are so entitled to sit there and say no, I'm not doing it. They need a serious kick up the arse.

What are you going to do OP?

And I wouldn't leave the house messy if you don't like it like that. They can clean it before anyone is allowed through the door

I can say don't have friends over

Why are you being a wet lettuce about letting these two walk all over you? It is your home, that you pay for and clean, so your word is final.

I am going to guess that their is a backstory of a feckless dad in the background who treated you like dirt and you are now trying to make up for his walking out by allowing the DC to treat you in the same way.

You sit them down. You agree house rules. Even make a daily chore list for 3 of you if need be. Then if they cant stick to the rules then give them 2 months notice to find somewhere else to live

You need to stop minding so much about having a clean house for the short term (one DC doesn’t like it? Tell them whose fault it is), and start laying down rules that are enforced. Changing the wifi password for no -compliance should be a good place to start.

It’s either your rules or they find somewhere else to live. Stop being a doormat!

I don’t understand why you started this thread. You’re happy being a martyr, with no plans to change. You’ve made your choice.